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GOD DAMN IT ALL!
The ex-color fixer slammed his empty mug onto the grimy table. He has lost count as to how many glasses he has drunk by now. Nonetheless, he calls out to the waiter for another round.
“PHILIP, GIMME ANOTHER PINT!” Argalia angrily points at the strange wax angel in a maid dress.
“Oh! Uh- Sir yes sir!” Philip scurries away into a backdoor leading to the bar. The blue not-reverberation grips at his head as he broods in the corner of this busy pub.
After all of his effort, months of planning, rounding up distortions, stealing an airplane, breaking into the library, and challenging that black silence wannabe to a final duel, he still lost. He slams the table again just thinking about that moment. Argalia swears that one day he’ll get revenge on that idiot floating pair of arms and scarf. But not in this state. He dares not make a shameful appearance so hastily. It was luck that the Library spat him out and gave him a second chance, so he mustn’t waste it.
Soon enough, Philip returns with a newly filled pint of lager. He places it on table and quickly speedwalks away before his boss could say anything to him. Well clearly he didn’t walk fast enough because Argalia stands up, slamming the table as he does, and excitedly shouts out.
“GANG, I, THE GREAT ARGALIA, HAVE CONCEIVED!”
“...huh” Tanya quietly speaks from another area of the pub.
“AN IDEA MOST INGENIOUS!”
“ohhh”
“BUT I AM ALSO PREGNANT”
“WHAT THE FUCK”
“WE MUST TAKE TO THE STREETS AND REGAIN OUR HONOUR. IF WE CANNOT TAKE ON THE LIBRARY IN OUR CURRENT STATE, THEN WE MUST INCREASE OUR NUMBERS, INCREASE OUR FIREPOWER. THE TOWERS WILL FALL YET AGAIN. THEY CANNOT HOLD US DOWN FOR LONG. WE WILL RISE AND-” Argalia continues to rant to this pub of tired patrons who are trying their best to ignore him.
“There he goes again.” Pluto sighs, “I don’t think I’ve seen him sober a single time these past few months.”
“Let’s just hope he doesn’t try stealing a military vehicle again.” Elena takes a sip of cranberry juice as she leans back to watch the show.
Suddenly, Argalia stops his rant and stares directly at the Ensemble’s table. Everyone stops what they’re doing, wondering what this insane man is plotting. Without warning, he starts sprinting towards them, jumping over tables to reach them.
“4 of you, come with me.” He commands with a low voice, a drastic contrast to how he was speaking earlier. He stares unblinkingly to the diners, waiting for someone to accept. Pluto is the first to speak.
“Sir Argalia, I’m always on your side.” He stands up and puts a palm to his chest.
“I wanna see what shit you’re up to.” Elena also stands up.
“Well I’m down as long as we get some ice cream on the way” Tanya stands with a smirk.
“Oh oh I want ice cream!” Oswald practically jumps from his seat, excitedly raising his hand into the air.
“Perfect. The rest of you, buy some food for take out. We’ll be back soon.” Argalia says to the ensemble members that I don’t care about. He walks out of the pub with the 4 volunteers following close behind.
“So, sir, what exactly is your idea?” Pluto asks.
“I have found another heavily armoured metal vehicle that we can use to DESTROY THE LIBRARY OF RUIN A! MWAHAHAHAHA” He laughs maniacally on the middle of the sidewalk before continuing to walk normally to his destination.
The gang exchange concerned glances but still continue to follow him. They turn a corner into a dark alleyway and see a strange type of… car? They aren’t quite sure what they are looking at. Its a rather stubby looking vehicle with massive wheels and a long stick coming out of the upper part. It appears to be just small enough to fit in this alleyway.
“I give you all the Churchill VII!” Argalia introduces the machine to his group, giving jazz hands as he presents it. “A British infantry tank used in the Second World War, best known for its heavy armour, large longitudinal chassis with all-around tracks with multiple bogies, its ability to climb steep slopes, and its use as the basis of many specialist vehicles. It was one of the heaviest Allied tanks of the war. Now don’t let its size or speed fool you. It is a verrrrry sturdy piece of machinery. It may be slow but its great armour will withstand even the Pale Librarian’s tricks. The M48 HE shells will be sure to blast a great wall into that library with our 75mm cannon. As a secondary weapon, we can make use of the 7.92 mm machine gun to make sure no one can get close. 152 millimeters of armour will ensure no one is getting in this thing. You 4 will be the lucky few that get to operate this beaut. Now, any questions?” Dawg hes fucking autistic over tanks.
“Hey Argalia bud,” Oswald raises his hand, “What the fuck is a Britain”
“Don’t worry about it. Now get in the tank.”
It’s a tight squeeze, but one by one Argalia’s Super Squad managed to fit in the machine. Argalia called dibs on being the navigator and commander, looking through the periscopes and guiding his team. Pluto was sitting drivers seat, lying down on his back and in a place that cannot be comfortable. Tanya and Oswald operated the cannon and machine gun, both are way too excited to be holding this much power. And Elena was the loader. Go fuck yourself Elena.
“ALRIGHT ARGALIA’S SUPER SQUAD, LET’S MOVE OUT!” The blue 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 shouts.
“Please don’t call us that.” Elena begs. Her words fall on deaf ears as the tank begins moving. It’s rather slow, but the power can still be felt from just its movements. Rows of cars stuck in traffic lie infront of them, but no one gives a shit. Every single one of them gets crushed under the Churchill’s immense girth. Through the gunner’s periscope, Oswald spots something exciting.
“SIR! THERES AN ICE CREAM TRUCK!” Stopped on the side of the road is a nondescript white truck with “Ice Cream” crudely spraypainted onto it. It’s already serving creamy delights to a strange group of people including a pink rabbit, a half plant person, a robot, and Michiru Kagemori: blueberry flavoured.
“Ah perfect! Let’s get a quick snack before we GET GLORIOUS REVENGE!” Argalia commands Pluto to change their course towards the ice cream truck. Driving a massive hunk of steel is a little difficult and Pluto misjudges the distance, running over everyone enjoying their ice cream and destroying half of the truck. “Alright everyone out the tank.”
Argalia’s Super Squad scrambles out of the vehicle and starts robbing the ice cream truck of all their treats. Stepping over all the crushed bodies, they stuff as much as they can into the tank and drive off.
“Hey guys,” An idiot spaniard in a blue jacket walks out of a porta potty,”sorry for taking so long I was violently constipated- ohhhhhh you’re all dead now” He starts orange justicing on their asses
The tank continues its rampage through the streets of the city. Now with the team enjoying their stash of delicious treats inside the cock pit.
~~~~~~
“Oi, clockhead, how much longer is this traffic gonna last?” A grumpy briton complains, lying down on his seat, forcing Meursault to stay standing.
“Hey, I don’t even drive this thing. But if I had to guess, 49 more years until we get out of this district.” Dante is crouched over in their seat playing plants vs zombies on their ipad. They give a little fist pump after every level.
“Hm, big car in front of us” Charon suddenly mentions in her typical monotone voice.
“Eh, it’ll move out of the way.” Dante dismisses it.
“No, it’s coming towards us. Crunch Crunch.”
“what”
Dante leans over to check what Charon is seeing. A strange metallic machniation is flattening all the cars infront of them and driving directly towards them.
“Ooh dats not good. EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OFF THE BUS” All the sinners rush off the bus in time to see it get flattened by the tank as well. Faust falls to her knees as her great creation is utterly obliterated by British Ingenuity. “We can’t let them get away with this. Everyone, go beat the shit out of that thing!” The sinners pull out their weapons and charge at the tank
“Oho, some challengers approach us.” Argalia starts salivating at the idea of those great, strong cannons going off. “Tanya, Oswald, blow their asses off”
“Sir yes sir I love blowing things!” Oswald replies a little too excitedly
“Never say that again” Tanya sighs before aiming the cannon right to the midsts of the sinners
A high explosive shell fires and blows away many of the sinners. Some are killed on impact, but are quickly revived by dante. The ones that get close are quickly dealt with by the machine gun. The tank presses forward, giving them less and less space to fight back. Vergilius, who was standing back in hopes that the sinners would be able to deal with this, sighs and cracks his neck.
“Can you idiots really not deal with an oversized car?” Blood spills down his shoulders and coagulates into the form of a cape. More flow to his hand and craft a sword, gleaming red. He readys up to take charge and- BOOM armour piercing composite rigid shell to the face. Not even the Red Gaze can stand up to the penetrative power of APCR shells.
Dante seeing the red fucking gaze dead next to them starts freaking the fuck out. The machine gun is killing sinners faster than they can get revived, and the ones that revive too late are crushed by the tank. Charon is nowhere to be seen, probably written out of the story. The tank continues to roll towards Dante and they get on their knees in desperation
“GOD PLEASE SPARE ME I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB YKNOW HOW IT IS, RIGHT? I UH I HAVE A FAMILY AND 3 DOGS AND HOPES AND DREAMS AND A HAMHAMPANGPANG COUPON AND-”
“Wait you have a hamhampangpang coupon?” The tank suddenly stops in its tracks and Argalia pokes his head out.
“Y-yeah I get my next meal there free”
“Hmm a convincing deal.” Argalia looks Dante up and down, “from a handsome fellow too.” He smirks
“I- what.”
“Come along with us,” Argalia climbs down and grabs Dante’s hand, “And tell mo a bit about yourself.”
“Oh- okay then- wait how do you even understand me?”
“There are no barriers to love, my dear clock person, not even language can stop us. Besides, that ticking is quite cute.” He strokes the side of their clock head before suddenly swooping Dante off their feet and carrying them bridal style back to the tank. Listen man, as long as they don’t kill them, Dante is okay with whatever is happening. Together, they ride off into the City’s sunset and live happily ever after, plotting to destroy the library together and sharing their lives’ greatest moments.