Chapter Text
HOBBIT SEX LOTTERY
-or-
AN UNEXPECTED BONER
-or-
A SUBSTITUTE FOR PUDDING
The following text is contentious to say the least. It purports to describe events taking place between Thorin and Company’s rescue by eagles and their arrival at Beorn’s house. Although the manuscript pages were found inserted between those of the Red Book, and are in a hand consistent with that of known Baggins papers, many authorities believe they are a later forgery planted by persons unknown. Even settling whether or not they were Baggins’ own work would not determine whether they are factually true; they may simply indicate that he harboured certain fantasies regarding his comrades on the famous quest. Regardless, they form one of the more unusual and distinctive mathoms in our collection. We can be certain that he did not intend them to be included in the published version of his narrative. This is understandable.
Bilbo turned over and tried again, fruitlessly, to find a comfortable spot on the ground. He’d got rid of all the rocks and lumps under him, and he’d even dug little holes to accommodate his hip and shoulder when he lay on his side, but nothing altered the fact that he was lying on bare earth with only his coat wrapped around him and his arm for a pillow, and it was a very far cry from his warm soft bed in Bag End. At home, about this time, he would be snuggling into goosedown pillows following a tasty supper and a hot bath, just settling down to a nice, relaxing wank that would send him off to sleep like a baby.
Instead of which, he hadn’t had a bath, or more than an outdoors stand-up wash with cold water, for far longer than he cared to think about. At least the smells of everyone’s bodies were more or less blanketed over by the smells of campfire smoke and cooking. He would grudgingly admit that supper tonight had been good, because Bombur was an excellent cook in his improvised way, but not a patch, he thought wistfully, on what he could have whipped up in his own snug, well equipped kitchen. And there had been no pudding. Spit-roasted duck and rabbit shot by Fili and wild greens gathered by himself, yes, and all very well prepared, but still, no pudding. How did people live like this? It certainly gave you an appreciation for the hardships of the dwarvish diaspora.
So reasoning, he sighed and rolled over again. All was quiet, in that special not-quiet way you got when a large group of dwarves were sleeping. He had never known such people for snoring, teeth-grinding, sleep-mumbling and blanket-lifting farting. While apparently sleeping peacefully, they would be grunting, snorting, smacking their lips and generally making it impossible for a confirmed bachelor to doze off. He’d have taken his little excuse for a bed quite a long way off, if he weren’t so afraid to sleep alone and far from the fire. They had set up camp below a rocky bank at the base of the great crag the eagles had dropped them on, so the bank was at their backs and the watchers only had to look out one way.
The fire was burning low, arranged to last through the night, but still gave off some rosy flickers that he found reassuring. Kili and Fili were sitting up beside it on watch, and he didn’t envy them one bit. His own turns on watch had been punctuated by nodding off, falling over sideways, being nudged awake by whoever was his co-watcher, and frowned at by Thorin for the whole performance. Even if Thorin clearly thought better of him since the adventure of the burning pine-trees, he was still far from thinking of him as a fully paid-up adventurer. He was sleeping close behind Bilbo now, though at least he didn’t snore. His only concession to his injuries from the recent fight had been to go to sleep rather early.
More smacking noises. And heavy breathing. Irritated, he propped himself up on his elbows and looked around for the source of the noise.
Oh. Um. Fili and Kili. By the fire. Not actually doing a particularly attentive job of keeping watch. Kissing. And them brothers!
Bilbo scooted back down and pulled his blanket up over his nose, his face reddening and eyes widening. Good manners really called for him to pull the blanket up over them too, and probably to roll over and turn his back entirely, and stuff his fingers in his ears. Instead he lay there staring at two handsome young dwarves nuzzling, licking and nipping at one another’s wet, rosy lips, thinking absently ‘oh dear.’ There was a kind of tender, playful roughness in the way they handled each other, as if all this had started off in boyish wrestling, the kind he remembered with his own Took cousins. Kili’s hands stole into Fili’s thick golden hair, and Fili’s hand snaked down between Kili’s legs, gripping and rubbing through his trousers as comfortably as if he’d been touching himself.
‘Can’t wait till we go to bed, can you?’ Kili murmured.
‘Since when do we wait? Mm? Come on, everyone’s asleep. You know it’s not good for you to bottle it up.’ Fili’s voice was low and husky and coaxing, with a faint undertone of laughter.
‘Psh... all right, you talked me into it.’ The laughter was there too, a soft chuckle down in Kili’s throat.
‘Always have, always will.’
I should be scandalised, Bilbo told himself firmly. I am scandalised! Thoroughly! I should not be lying here watching them... kissing... and getting each other’s cocks out... and rubbing them... long and thick and rosy red... I wish he’d move his knee so I could see better. There!
He could feel his heartbeat down in his own cock, and it seemed, more and more, that he had no choice but to give it a little rub himself. Fili was probably right about bottling it up; he’d been holding back what with the unaccustomed company, and it wouldn’t do any harm, would it? No, it wouldn’t, just a little harmless self-indulgence, a substitute for pudding, really. It was the least he deserved.
He was breathlessly rubbing and tugging, and enjoying himself quite as much as Fili and Kili seemed to be doing, when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder and warm breath on the back of his neck.
‘What are you doing under there?’ Thorin’s voice rumbled in his ear.
‘Nothing!’ Bilbo squeaked, snatching his hands up to chin height as if they had been burned.
‘I disagree. I think you’re enjoying watching my nephews. Aren’t you?’
‘I - I - no! I mean no offence to your family! Goodness, no!’ Why on earth is he putting his arm around me? He felt Thorin’s arm tighten around his waist, pulling him back against his strong, stocky body, half familiar from that very long hug on top of the crag. The other arm pushed under him and wrapped around him too, and he felt the prickle of Thorin’s moustache on the back of his neck, along with a long, deep, contented sigh.
‘Mmmmm... none taken. I’m afraid they’ve always been like that. Incorrigible. Still... it’s not a bad show, is it?’
‘Er... no.’
‘You needn’t stop on my account.’ Very definitely, and to Bilbo’s utter astonishment, a wet kiss on his nape. ‘Didn’t we say we were at your service?’
‘You, um, you didn’t.’ His heart was drumming faster than ever.
‘I suppose not.’ Slowly and deliberately, he ground his hips against Bilbo’s bottom, letting him feel the firm, prodding bulge of his erection. ‘Thorin at your service.’
‘Bilbo Baggins at yours,’ he said faintly, remembering that much of his manners.
‘Want me to stop and let you alone?’
‘Nnnno-ooo...’ (The Baggins part of him snapped ‘Yes! Immediately! This is disgraceful!’ while the Tookish part drowned it out with cries of ‘Not for the world!’)
‘You don’t sound very sure.’
‘You and your family have a very bad habit of taking me entirely by surprise! How do you expect me to sound?’
‘That’s better.’ Another wet, prickling kiss, and little shocks ran up and down his spine. ‘It’s more fun when you show some backbone.’
‘Oh, bother you! And your smutty nephews.’
‘I’ll tell them you said that.’ And before Bilbo could attempt to stop him, Thorin had sat up and softly called out ‘Fili! Kili! You’re to stop that right now. You’re offending Mister Baggins.’
They looked up, faces flushed and eyes wide, and then broke into smiles. ‘We seem to have a way of doing that!’ Fili said.
‘It’s all done with the best intentions,’ Kili added. Neither of them had taken his hand off the other’s cock, and they seemed perfectly unconcerned. ‘This could make another verse for “That’s What Bilbo Baggins Hates”.’
‘Yes, what rhymes with cocks?’
‘Please, for mercy’s sake be quiet,’ Bilbo begged, mortified, scrambling up onto his hands and knees. ‘And no singing!’
‘We’re quiet enough,’ said Thorin. ‘This lot could sleep through anything. Come over here, you two.’
Being on his knees meant that as they ambled over, the flies of their trousers gaping open, the two stiff, ruddy cocks were just at Bilbo’s eye level. He knew he was staring, but the way they bobbed was almost hypnotic. Then there was the smell, hot and dark and musky, stronger as they got close to him.
‘Are they as bad as all that?’ Kili asked, grinning. ‘I think mine’s rather friendly-looking.’ It was the fatter of the two, and oily precome glistened on its head.
‘Look here,’ Fili said kindly, crouching down on one knee, ‘I know we tease, but we don’t really want to upset you. Are you all right?’
‘Of course I am,’ Bilbo protested, trying to recover some dignity while kneeling with his own cock poking out of his trousers. (He was acutely aware that it was rather smaller than theirs.)
‘You look a bit flustered, that’s all. Bit out of your depth.’ Another kindly smile and a one-shouldered shrug, as if to say that was all they could expect from him.
‘I am not!’
‘Oh? So you do this kind of thing all the time?’
‘And you so respectable,’ said Kili, reaching down and ruffling Bilbo’s curly hair.
‘Leave him alone,’ Thorin said, wrapping his arms around Bilbo from behind and pulling him back into his lap. ‘No handling the burglar without my permission.’
‘What about my permission?’ Bilbo objected. ‘I’m an independent contractor.’
‘Good point,’ said Fili, leaning in. ‘Then may we have your permission? Please?’
‘... All right,’ Bilbo said, with the air of one conferring a great favour.
‘Why, thank you!’ And Fili pressed a kiss into Bilbo’s mouth without hesitation, quickly followed by another from Kili, who had knelt down beside him. While he was still reeling, his head a muddle of ‘lipswethottonguebeard,’ a brisk negotiation took place.
‘Top or tail?’
‘Flip you for it,’ Kili said, producing a small silver coin.
‘Then I call tails.’
The coin spun in the air and was swiftly caught. ‘Tails it is! Lucky.’
‘What’s...’ Bilbo began, before they were both on him, Kili eagerly kissing his neck and popping the buttons of his shirt, pushing his braces down from his shoulders, while Fili pulled down his trousers and drawers, kissing down over his belly until he reached his cock and sucked it in. ‘Oh... oh!’ Both warm, wet mouths, both quick, pulsing tongues were working him, as well as two strong pairs of calloused hands on his chest, hips, belly, thighs. Gasping, he slid down against Thorin’s chest, arching his back and spreading his legs without a thought. Oh, it was good, and they were making avid little grunting sounds as they licked and sucked, as if he were delicious and they were gobbling him up. It was all very flattering to a plump little hobbit.
He had slid down until his head was in Thorin’s lap, and as he squirmed in delight he could feel the leatherbound bulge of his erection rubbing against his cheek. He looked up at him, a trifle worried that Thorin would be glowering at him again. Instead, he was watching Bilbo intently, his mouth a little open. His brows were knit together, but not angrily, and his eyes were very dark and deep.
With one hand on Bilbo’s head, he unlaced his breeches with the other, freeing his cock. It reared up, listing to one side a little, filling Bilbo’s view, crimson and rooted in thick black hair, the smell of it so sharp and strong that it stung his nose. He tilted his head, opened his mouth, and Thorin filled it, pressing his head down with that one heavy hand. A muffled moan slipped out of him as Thorin shifted his position, and he wrapped his hand around the base of the shaft as much to feel it as to have a little control of how deeply the head went into his mouth. It was both familiar and unfamiliar, since he and his Took cousins had done this often enough in their misspent and curious youth, but Thorin had a very distinct taste of his own, and filled the mouth a great deal more.
‘That’s what Bilbo Baggins likes,’ he dimly heard Kili say, and then he felt Fili sputter with laughter, which almost finished him off. They kept discussing him as he sucked, his mouth watering.
‘Isn’t he sweet?’
‘He’s so soft. Smooth, I mean. No hair to speak of. Not like your woolly chest.’
‘Or your furry bum. No, look.’ He was manhandled onto his hip and his trousers jerked right down to his knees. ‘He’s got a bit of fuzz on his lower slopes.’
‘Bags first fuck.’
‘That’s not fair, I called tails.’ He felt thick thumbs slide between his buttocks and press them apart. ‘Aw, look at the little pink hobbit-hole.’ Warm, wet spit landed there, and he shivered. ‘I’m just going to tickle you up a bit, Bilbo.’
‘Mmph?’ Bilbo couldn’t see what was going on, only feel Fili’s fingertip stroking up and down his cleft, making it tingle with heat and his ring twitch frantically. He whimpered faintly, and Thorin made a sort of approving rumble, brushing his hair back from his forehead.
‘You should find something for grease,’ Thorin grunted, ‘or there’ll be tears before bedtime.’
‘Damn,’ Fili said, still stroking. ‘I’ve nothing left. Kili, you’ve still got some of that cream you pinched in Rivendell, haven’t you?’
‘No,’ Kili said ruefully, ‘the jar got lost somewhere along the way. Any ideas, Bilbo? You might unplug his mouth,’ he added conversationally to Thorin, ‘and let him talk.’
‘Um - I don’t know,’ Bilbo said, disconcerted both by how quickly things were moving and by how solicitously Thorin wiped some wet from his chin after pulling out. His lips felt swollen and tingly, and he could still feel the shape of the bulbous cockhead against the roof of his mouth. At home there would be nothing easier than finding some oil in the pantry or some butter from the cool-room, though of course, if he’d stayed at home he would definitely not be surrounded by the cream of the House of Durin intent on ravishing him. ‘Oh, that’s right! The duck fat.’ He propped himself up on his elbows enough to point to a small covered jar on a flat stone near the fire. Bombur, at any rate, had managed to keep some of his bits and pieces safe in his pockets. ‘That would work, although it seems like a terrible waste... it’s so good for frying potatoes...’
They laughed at him, though not unkindly, and Fili shuffled over on his knees to get the jar.
‘Well, you can have fried potatoes and a very sore bum, or we can do things our way,’ Kili said. ‘What do you say? Yes please or no thank you? We’re polite about it all.’
‘Yes. Please.’ Bilbo glanced up at Thorin. ‘If that’s all right with you. Er - don’t you want to do it?’
‘I think that was an invitation,’ Kili said gleefully. ‘After you, uncle.’
‘Very much,’ Thorin answered, ‘but I’m too sore at the moment to attempt anything so vigorous. I’m happy to let Fili and Kili break you in.’
‘I don’t want breaking in. I said I’ve done this before.’ Indignantly, he kicked off his trousers and hoisted his legs up, his hands behind his knees. ‘There! Just pop it in.’
Further laughter, and Fili leaned in to kiss him again, thrusting his tongue sloppily into his mouth. Bilbo sucked on it urgently, with a sharp little grunt as a well-greased finger pushed into his bottom. He had to drop back and pant, his eyes flickering closed, as Fili jammed it deeper, swivelling around.
‘Good?’ Fili whispered.
‘More...’
‘Is he tight?’ Kili asked, over Fili’s shoulder. Both his hands were under Fili’s belly, greasing his cock in smooth strokes.
‘I wouldn’t say tight... nice and snug... ooh, that’s enough. Let me just...’ He gripped Bilbo’s hips and pulled him closer. Bilbo felt the slippery head of his cock nudging between his buttocks, sliding into the tenderest spot, stretching and spreading, and his whole body arched in response.
‘Look at his face,’ Kili murmured.
‘Shh, you’ll make him shy,’ Thorin said. ‘I want him just like this.’ Bilbo felt Thorin’s knees push in under his shoulders, lifting and supporting him again, and strong hands took hold of his ankles. He felt sandwiched between Thorin and Fili, who chose this moment to kiss him again, grinding his hips against Bilbo’s upturned bum, making him whimper desperately at the sheer bursting fullness. There was a very emphatic difference between an adolescent hobbit cock and an adult dwarf one, and he could feel the fierce pressure of it in his belly, the lovely insistent friction of Fili’s stroke.
Since Thorin was holding Bilbo’s legs, he could spare his hands, and reached his right down to rub himself. Fili broke the kiss and pushed himself up on both arms, and before Bilbo could take a full breath Thorin’s cock was nudging at his cheek, and he turned his head to suck. The position was awkward, and Thorin’s cock kept slipping out, smearing his face, so that he needed his left hand to keep it steady. Even with that, he was deliriously happy; the only way it could have been better was if they were all properly naked. And in a proper bed. And if there were some way to fit Kili in.
‘When’s it my turn?’ Kili asked, as if he’d known.
‘Shh,’ Fili grunted. ‘I’m loosening him up for your fat prick. Oh... is that good, Bilbo?’
‘Mmph!’
‘Give us one mmph for yes, two mmphs for no,’ Kili suggested.
‘Mmmmmmmmmmph!’
‘He’s quite happy,’ Thorin reported. ‘You should feel what he’s doing with his tongue, the little devil.’
‘Look at the way his little belly jiggles when you fuck him.’
‘Kili!’
‘I think it’s sweet! I want to jiggle it myself. Hurry up and come. Do you want me to stick a finger up your bum and help?’
Fili’s cock slid to a stop, his hips twitching slightly, and he sighed. ‘Bilbo, do you think you could manage with two of us? Otherwise he’ll never shut up.’
‘Mmph?’
‘He said yes,’ Kili said immediately. ‘You heard him.’
‘Be patient, you,’ said Thorin, with an admonitory frown. ‘Do you want to try that, Bilbo? On the strict understanding that if you don’t enjoy it they’ll stop immediately?’’
‘He’s nodding! That is definitely nodding!’
‘Bilbo,’ Thorin repeated, gruffly but gently. ‘I’d like to hear you say it, just so I don’t worry about you. I’ve had quite enough of that.’ He released one ankle and gently pushed back on Bilbo’s forehead, although he whined in his throat and kept sucking.
‘You’ll have to let go of him for a bit anyway,’ Fili said, ‘because we’ll have to move to let Kili in.’
Bilbo drew back and wiped his mouth. ‘I was nodding,’ he said sulkily. ‘There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘Told you,’ Kili said delightedly, slathering his erection with duck fat.
‘If you can feel the slightest thing going wrong, you stop,’ Thorin warned Kili. ‘He’s only little and I won’t have him ruined.’
‘I beg your pardon,’ Bilbo said, getting up on his dignity as well as one can with a cock in one’s arse, ‘but I’m not a child, and I’m not made of tissue-paper, and I’d take all three of you together if I could think how - if I felt like it.’
‘All right, all right, you clench up when you get fierce,’ Fili said soothingly. ‘Here, hold onto my shoulders, I’m going to hold your hips - just like that - and roll us over. There... good. Get comfortable, sort out your legs, Kili will wait.’ He stretched out his own legs as Bilbo lowered his, getting his knees settled on the ground, Fili’s hands stroking over and over his hips and bottom. ‘Comfy now? Just lean forward, lean on me and hold on as tight as you like. Lift your bum up a bit.’
‘But you’ll slide out.’
‘Not all the way, and Kili’ll be pushing me back in. Give us a kiss? Mmm. Now.... the great thing for you is to stay relaxed. I’ll keep stroking your back and your bum, and you think soft, open, stretchy thoughts. Try it now, Kili.’
‘Finally!’ said Kili. Bilbo could feel him edging into position on his knees, in between his own legs and Fili’s, and caught his breath as Kili grasped his buttocks, spreading them further apart. Kili’s thumbs pressed into the opened cleft, drawing upward, further stretching the rim wrapped snugly around Fili’s cock. ‘Dear little hobbit-hole,’ Kili murmured happily. ‘Always room for one more.’ He shifted his grip, one thumb continuing the pressure, and took his cock in the other hand, sliding the head along the shaft of Fili’s and into the ring.
Bilbo was half distracted from that astonishing sensation by a touch on his head. Thorin was stroking back his hair, kneeling beside them and staring at him with a look of earnest frowning concern that was touching, even if he considered it quite unnecessary. Perhaps a little bit necessary; it was not easy to stretch like this, and his breathing was reduced to shallow little pants and whimpers as Kili bore in. It didn’t hurt, precisely, but it felt extremely tight and tense and as if hurting were a possibility at any moment. He was gripping two folds of Fili’s tunic so tightly his knuckles ached.
‘Soft, open, stretchy thoughts,’ Fili breathed, kneading at his lower back. ‘He’s just going to slide in like a finger into a glove.’
‘That somebody else is already wearing,’ Bilbo blurted out.
‘Shhhh... plenty of room... trust me, I’ve been where you are now. So’s Kili. It’s going to feel so good once you get used to it.’
‘There it goes!’ Kili gasped. ‘I’m right in.’
‘We’d noticed,’ Fili said, smiling over Bilbo’s shoulder at him. ‘Wait a minute while he composes himself.’
‘Can you feel it twitching? Ahh...’
‘Let it stop twitching before you move, that’s all.’
Though he tried his best to catch his breath, Bilbo could not stop panting. Little sharp gasps rushed in and out of him, and his ring was throbbing along with his heartbeat. He hadn’t felt this full since his first time, and he would be as nervous as he was then if it weren’t for the vivid memory of how good that felt once he was used to it. Oh, there it was, that growing heat in his belly and his balls, and fireworks were going off in his head like flowers in the night. A long sweet shudder rolled up his body, and the tightness eased off a good deal.
‘Do you think you’ll be all right now?’ Fili was asking him, his voice gentle and coaxing. ‘We’ll go nice and slowly to start. Kili sets the pace when we do this, so you tell him how you need it.’
‘And Fili just lies there and enjoys being squeezed by you and rubbed by me at the same time,’ Kili added.
‘True.’
‘Aah... ah...’ This was Bilbo’s nearest approach to answering them at first. With a great effort, he managed to say ‘Go on.’
‘There...’ Kili drew back and rolled in again, slick and smooth, with a deeply pleased grunt. ‘Like that?’
‘C-can you push down a bit more? Oh - oh!’ That wasn’t just fireworks, that was pudding, hot steamed pudding drenched in golden syrup and drowned in cream. ‘Again!’ They were moving, sliding and rubbing inside him, and there were moments of discomfort, but far more that made him gasp and pant in delight. He was sandwiched again, pressed between their bodies, wonderfully firm and strong, their hands together clutching at his hips. Fili’s tunic had ridden up as they rolled over and Bilbo’s cock was nestled and rubbing in the soft, curling hair on his belly. He pushed himself up on his arms, braced his hands on Fili’s shoulders, and rocked back into the next thrust. ‘Oh! There!’
For a long, lovely time Bilbo thought of nothing but the deep, hot, sweet pounding sensation, the feel of their cocks sliding over one another and in and out of him. He lost whatever fragments of self-consciousness he had left, panting and moaning, and Fili and Kili’s deep grunts and rough breathing surrounded him. His hair was sticking to his forehead with sweat; he flicked it back, and caught sight of Thorin, who he had quite forgotten about. That seemed awfully unfair. Thorin was kneeling there watching them avidly, cock in hand and rubbing it briskly.
‘Don’t,’ Bilbo said. ‘I mean - come here. I want to.’
‘He does want to take all three of us,’ Kili said.
‘Stay off my hair!’ Fili cried anxiously as Thorin shuffled in on his knees.
‘I’ll be careful of your precious hair,’ Thorin said, with a trace of a smile. He slid one hand into Bilbo’s hair, smoothing it back from his forehead, and his cock into Bilbo’s open mouth to be sucked like a sweet. ‘And... aah... your precious mouth...’
When Bilbo remembered it later, and he remembered it many, many times, he couldn’t settle to his satisfaction when Kili or Fili came, but he knew he went off like a dropped bottle of cream shortly before Thorin clutched at his hair and groaned, and he felt a thick spurt against the roof of his mouth and tasted brackish salt. Thorin, trembling, fell back to sit on his haunches, leaving a trail of spunk down Bilbo’s chin. After that he lay on top of Fili feeling exhausted and blissful, far too limp to move when Kili eased his cock out with a squelchy pop and rolled onto his back beside them.
‘I have two things to say,’ Kili said faintly. ‘First, we should have been doing this absolutely all the time. Secondly, woohahahahahawhee!’
‘I don’t know,’ said Fili. Bilbo felt his voice rumbling through his chest, low and peaceful. ‘I think it’s nice we did it now...you all right, Bilbo?’
‘Mmm...’
‘You can’t go to sleep there,’ Thorin said briskly, rousing himself. He got up on his knees, slid his hands under Bilbo’s arms and hauled him off Fili and into his own arms. ‘And you’ll get cold. Find his trousers, one of you.’ He began buttoning Bilbo’s shirt for him, stopping only because Bilbo looped his arms around his shoulders and kissed him.
‘Oh, thank you!’
‘I did little enough for you,’ Thorin said gruffly, and wiped Bilbo’s chin with his thumb. ‘I think you should be thanking the others.’
‘You can thank me,’ said Fili, ‘because I found your trousers and your drawers.’ He threw both over Bilbo’s shoulders and smacked a kiss onto his cheek. ‘And I’ll thank you because that was one of the nicest fucks I ever had.’
‘And me,’ said Kili, putting a matching kiss on the other cheek. ‘Do we really have to go back on watch?’
‘No, you’re all right there,’ said another voice a few feet off. Bilbo looked round, rather startled, and saw Bofur sitting up, scratching under his hat. ‘I’ll take over, and you can get some kip. Suppose I should thank you for the show, while we’re all being so polite.’
‘Um. I’m terribly sorry we disturbed you,’ Bilbo said, all his self-consciousness pouring back.
‘Oh, no, it’s all right!’ Bofur gave his hair an affectionate ruffle as he passed on his way to the fire. ‘I just want my turn next time, that’s all.’
‘Next time?’ Bilbo mumbled.
‘Of course next time,’ Kili said, trying to manoeuvre a trouser leg over Bilbo’s right foot. ‘You’re going to be very popular. Not just a burglar!’
‘I’m not sure I can cope,’ Bilbo admitted. ‘Three was an awful lot...’
‘Then we’ll draw lots,’ Fili suggested.
‘We’ll discuss it in the morning,’ Thorin said firmly.
Bilbo slept deeply and well, albeit with his trousers on backwards and his drawers inside out, curled up under Thorin’s arm, his heavy cloak wrapped over them both.