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the radioactive boys of dust
threaten observers
committed organic
ubiquity of gluttons
outside interference
felt like today
a fish now two blooms
mean moon phenomena
symmetries struggle cyborgs
disarm
the certainty of domination
preferred by our elders
coded origins story
defines the nowhered
mode of mud
—Vincent A. Cellucci, “Diamonds in Dystopia”
It’s easier, Sirius has learned, for them to meet at Severus’s house, though Severus had taken one look at his car and said, “You’re parking in the garage next time.”
“What?” Sirius had said, and Severus had gestured at his car. He’d seen her from a stranger’s perspective for the first time in as long as he could remember, his trusty yellow Volkswagen Beetle with the rainbow painted atop the hood, the bumper stickers reading YES, I’M AFRAID I’VE FALLEN IN WITH THE WRONG CROWD! and LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DANCE WITH UGLY MEN!! and EVERYONE NEEDS SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN… I BELIEVE I’LL GO SHOPPING!!! It was like he’d never seen Betty before, and he wanted to hug her and retch simultaneously. “Oh.”
“In the garage,” Severus said firmly, and Sirius had let it happen. He still feels guilty about it, even months later, like he’s kenneling the car, but he hasn’t said anything about parking on the street, unsure how to back out of the garage now that he’s started, unsure whether he wants to press Severus on this. It’s one thing to have a faggot over to your house, and another to advertise it.
It’s early March now, and Sirius and Severus have a lazy weekend in planned. They’re just wrapping up dinner, about ready to settle in, when he notices a particular look in Bear’s eye. Normally, he’d just let it go; but he’s tired of neglecting his dog for Severus’s sake, and he’s had about as much cowering as he can take. And anyway, surely Severus won’t care if Sirius goes on his own. Right?
“I think Bear needs a walk,” Sirius says. “Do you want to come with?”
He’s expecting a no, and possibly a “have fun;” but Severus looks him over for a long moment, then sighs. Sirius frowns. “What?”
“Would you… could you change first?”
“Excuse me?”
“Would you mind changing your clothes first? You could borrow some of mine. I just… I have to live here, you know? I don’t want my neighbors to—”
“Stop talking,” Sirius hisses, holding a hand up to his forehead, and Severus shuts up. “I cannot believe you.”
“You know I’m not—”
“I thought you knew me well enough not to ask me that,” Sirius says. “You may be closeted, but I’m not. And I’m not going back. Not for anybody.”
“You were closeted?”
“I thought I was. I tried. Until I was sixteen. And I hated every single fucking second of it. I’m not dressing like a goddamned heterosexual for you, Severus. If you don’t want me to be seen in your neighborhood—”
“I don’t mind you being seen. I just thought maybe you could—could tone it down a little.”
“I am toning it down.”
“You’re wearing a feather boa.”
“It’s black, isn’t it?”
“I love you deeply,” Severus says, and Sirius blinks. “To a truly insane degree. And if people see us walking a dog together, they’ll assume I’m gay too.”
“So? You are gay.”
“I am not—I’m not ready for that.”
“Do you think you’ll ever be?”
“I don’t know.”
“I see.” Sirius feels irrational. Petty. Rage rises up in him, and he can’t force it back down. He thinks about spending another sixty years like this, unable to walk his dogs in his boyfriend’s neighborhood, and wants to scream. He stands and jabs a finger at Severus. “You know what? You’re a coward.”
“What?”
“You’re a fucking coward,” Sirius says. “And you’re not fair to everyone else, either. You’re so afraid of them being awful that you’re not giving them a chance to be good. All your relationships except for Lily are just surface-level. The people around you have no idea who you really are.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
Severus is shouting now too; they’re still in separate rooms, but they’re both red-faced and facing each other. “You think I don’t fucking know that?” Severus yells. “Who am I supposed to trust? My conservative fucking neighbors with ‘Vote Thatcher’ signs on their lawns? Gilderoy Lockhart? You want me to trust Gilderoy fucking Lockhart?”
“Not everyone is Gilderoy Lockhart, Severus!”
“They might as well be!”
“No! They fucking aren’t! I need you to see that! There are good people out there, Severus. I promise you there are. And you’ll never meet them if you spend all your time letting shame eat you alive.”
“It didn’t matter before,” Severus says, and looks away, and all of Sirius’s anger leaves him. “Before you, I didn’t—it didn’t matter.” He breathes out. “Let me get used to the idea, okay?”
“Okay. I think I’m gonna go.”
Severus looks devastated. “Sirius, wait, I—”
“Bear really does need a walk,” Sirius says, and hopes Severus can hear the genuine regret in his voice. “I’ll call you to say goodnight, okay? And I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”
“But I—but we—but it’s Friday. I—we—I thought—”
“I wish I could stay,” Sirius says. “But if I can’t leave this house, then I need to go back to mine.”
“Can I come with you?”
“Will you walk Bear with me there?”
Severus looks away, and Sirius laughs, aware the sound is bitter. “I’ll talk to you later, Severus.”
He doesn’t kiss him before he leaves; Severus looks like he’s about to start crying. Sirius doesn’t want to care, but has to stop outside the door to steel himself against the urge to go back anyway.
They don’t talk about it again after that, at least not until the next Wednesday. Sirius is over with Bear, and he can tell when his dog is getting antsy, and he sighs and says, “I should get home.”
“What? You just got here.”
“Bear needs a walk,” Sirius says, and Severus’s face shutters. “I should get home.”
“If you would just change—”
“I’m not going to fucking change, Severus.”
“Why not?” Severus yells. “Why the fuck not? Why does it matter so much? You want me to change for you! You want me to turn into a goddamned queen!”
“You’re sure as hell being one right now!”
Severus flinches. Sirius jabs a finger at him. “All I want from you,” he says, “is not to treat me like a dirty secret. You don’t want to be seen in public with me? Fine. But I’m not—you can’t get mad at me for putting myself first when the person I’m with is putting me down!”
“I’m not putting you down.”
“Yeah, Sev, you are. And I, for one, have had about as much of it as I can take. I—”
“I knew you were sitting around resenting me for this. I knew it.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to help it? You won’t even try! You said—you said, ‘We’ll see what happens.’ And what’s happened? Nothing!”
“You know what? Fine.” Severus strides over to him and holds out a hand. “Where’s his leash?”
“What?”
“Let’s take him for a bloody walk. Let’s fucking go. Don’t blame me if my neighbors form a homophobic lynch mob.”
“Fine!” Sirius snarls, and reaches for his bag and fishes out Bear’s unattractive, very practical retractable leash. “Bear, come.”
They’re both still simmering with rage, glaring at each other as they leave the front stoop. Half of Severus’s neighbors are in their front yards; several gape at them, looking between Sirius and Severus, but the first to approach is a middle-aged woman and her very young daughter. “Hi, Severus. Who’s this?”
Severus’s smile is strained, but it does come. “Hi, Adelaide. This is Sirius and Bear.”
“Can Lauren pet him?”
“Yes,” Sirius says, and the little girl grins a gap-toothed grin and drops to her knees and starts petting Bear all over. “How old is she?”
“Six.”
“She’s the same age as Bear!”
“Oh, how funny.” Adelaide sounds genuinely delighted. “Lauren, darling, Bear is your age!”
“Good doggy,” Lauren says. “Mummy, can’t we get a dog?”
“And who’s going to walk and feed him, darling?”
“Me!”
“Uh-huh.” Adelaide laughs. “Let’s let these nice men get on with their walk. Say goodbye, sweetie.”
“Bye-bye!”
“Bye-bye,” Severus says softly, a hint of awe in his voice. It’s there in his eyes, too, when he looks at Sirius, and Sirius gazes back with as much gentleness as he can. It takes Severus another two minutes to say anything; when he does, his tone is muted. “That doesn’t prove anything.”
“Uh-huh.”
They continue walking, and people continue gaping, and then they come across an old man clearing snow off his driveway. He does a double-take, then approaches with surprising spryness. “Hi, Severus,” he says. “Who’s this?”
“Hi, Norman. This is Sirius.” Severus clasps Sirius’s upper arm, just for a second. Sirius blinks in surprise, and glances at Severus, who’s looking at the old man. “And this is Bear.”
“He’s just precious,” Norman coos. “May I pet him?”
“Go ahead.”
Norman crouches to pet Bear, looking between them with both calculation and hope. “Are you… family?”
“Yes,” Sirius says firmly, and after a second Severus nods, and Norman gives them a huge, broad smile, revealing two missing front teeth. “Yes, we are.”
“I always had a good feeling about you,” Norman says, and Severus turns bright red. “Do you want to come inside? My husband should be home any minute.”
Sirius looks at Severus, who’s already looking at him; there’s a beat, and then they both laugh. “Yes,” Sirius says. “We would, yes.”
They both laugh again, all resentment forgotten. “Let us finish shoveling that snow for you, too,” Severus says. “Please.”
“Oh, aren’t you a dear.” Norman pats Severus on the arm. “I won’t say no. Here, I’ll make you boys some tea to warm you up.”
And he bustles off into the house. Sirius looks at Severus, who’s still a little red, and says, “You didn’t tell me you had gay neighbors.”
“I was never sure. I only ever shook their hands and learned their names. I’ll admit I did feel… particularly safe around them.”
“Yeah, I can see why.” Sirius shakes his head and picks up the shovel. “I’m going to become best friends with that man.”
Severus groans, but he looks pleased. “I suppose I’m powerless to stop you.”
“You should know by now that I always get what I want.”
Severus gives him such a warm look that Sirius has to stop himself from kissing him, right there on the street. “Don’t remind me.”
“Oh, I’ll remind you. I’ll remind you every day until we’re both eighty.”
“I’d like that.” A beat. “God, I wish I could kiss you.”
“Come on,” Sirius says. “Let’s go inside. We can finish shoveling the snow later. But I need that kiss now, I think.”
Severus is still giving him an exceptionally warm look. “Yeah,” he says, and looks around and then grips Sirius’s shoulder anyway, even despite three people looking right at them. “I think you do.”