Chapter Text
Sydney gritted her teeth against the throbbing headache taking its place beneath her temples, fighting the urge to push Carmy into oncoming traffic.
“Nice, Syd.”
Oops. “I’m kidding –I’m obviously kidding, Carm– look, I’m just saying–”
“Well, if you’re only just fucking saying.”
“Can we focus? It’s freezing out here,” Sydney said, rubbing her arms and hoping Carmy would forget that this had been her idea. One of their commitments they had made to one another post-The Fight to End All Fights and Sydney nearly running away was that they would try not to fight in front of the staff. They had to present a united front in the restaurant, and their capacity to be bitchy when arguing with one another had a way of undermining that.
“This was your idea, Syd,” Carmy grumbled, the motherfucker, arrogant in his ability to withstand the cold. “Do you want to go grab your coat?”
“No,” Sydney lied, which she immediately regretted. Why did she have to be born in the windy city? Why not the ‘city where everything is warm all the time without it being on fire’ – who had she pissed off? “Stop stalling – this is Natalie’s idea, figure it out with her.”
Carmy rolled his eyes. “About to-go’s yeah, that’s Nat’s idea, but it’s our decision because we manage the kitchen, and you can’t tell me to fuck off and handle it alone!”
“I’m not,” Sydney snapped, clenching her hands so Carmy wouldn’t accidentally trip and fall in front of the speeding truck heading down the street. “I said, ‘your call,’ I don’t know why this is some big fucking issue–”
“Because you never do shit like this, and it’s clearly because of what happened at The Beef, and we should talk about it–”
“Carmy, I do not know what you’re talking about,” she lied, badly, shrilly. “This has nothing to do with that – I just have a lot on my plate helping Tina with the new hires, and–”
“You’re such a fucking liar!”
“Okay, fuck you, first of all–”
“We said we would face this shit and not hide from it, and that’s what you’re fucking doing.”
“No, I am not,” Sydney seethed, noticing too late the familiar head of long red hair approaching them.
“Hey, Syd? Are you okay?”
Carmy and Sydney’s head snapped towards the willowy young woman, who was looking concerned as she stepped closer to Sydney.
“Yeah, yeah, all good. Hey, El,” Sydney said, reaching out to hug her friend. “Fuck, sorry, it’s been like ages–”
“Yeah, but the restaurant is doing so well, I’m so proud of you,” Ella told her warmly, “I come here all the time, and it’s better each time, it’s ‘fire,’” she crooked her fingers around the word, smiling as she did. “That’s what you guys say, right? When something’s good?”
“You got it,” Sydney couldn’t help but relax a little. “This is Carmy, by the way. My business partner – we’re, um, just discussing some restaurant shit. Carm, this is Ella, we’ve known each other since high school.
Carmy reached out a hand, and Sydney noted how taken aback her friend looked once she had turned towards Carmy, how she looked him up and down and blushed when Ella shook his hand. No, this is not happening, Sydney thought dumbly, faintly, something painful gnawing at her insides. Not happening.
“Carmy, oh my god, of course, it’s so great to meet you! Syd’s told me so much about you – a-and the restaurant of course,” Ella said, correcting herself at the warning look Sydney sent her way.
“Hey,” Carmy said back, looking – fuck, looking redder himself, “I hope it’s not all, uh, terrible,” he said, nervous –and why the fuck would he be nervous, why would it matter to him what Ella thought– and glancing at Sydney.
“No, no, it’s all super wonderful,” Ella said, which was a lie, and it didn’t feel like Ella was trying to cover for Sydney. No, this felt like something else. “I like the tattoos–”
Tattoos?
Who compliments a stranger’s tattoos?
“Oh, um, thanks,” Carmy said, stretching out his arms confusedly, “They’re mostly shitty little drawings I came up with–”
Ella’s eyes went wide, which, why. “Oh, wow, you draw? That’s really impressive – no, they suit you, they look great. Is that, like, a requirement for chefs?” she said teasingly, twirling her hair around a finger, her head slightly tilted. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a chef without tattoos.”
Carmy immediately turned to Sydney. “You have tattoos?” he said, his eyes jumping around her like he suddenly had x-ray vision.
Sydney coughed awkwardly, “Um, yeah, I-I mean, a few–”
“They’re super cute, they’re all on her back.”
“Not all,” Sydney cut in, feeling weird that she had been quiet for so long. “I have one on my thigh.”
“Right,” Ella said, snapping her fingers, “You have one on your inner thigh.”
“Inner thigh?” Carmy echoed faintly, and Sydney didn’t want to talk about how her body reacted to him in that moment. The way his voice had curled around the words.
“Are you guys going to get tattoos for The Bear? That would be super cute – great for social media,” Ella reminded Sydney. “I’m in communications,” she told Carmy with a grin. “I could totally help you guys out if you’re looking to branch out more on like Instagram or something.”
“Our insta page is fine,” Sydney said defensively, being the one that usually maintained it.
“Oh, definitely, I meant, like, in case you guys needed the help. You must be so busy with everything else. Just to take something off your plate.”
Their plates were absolutely fine, thank you, but there wasn’t a normal way to say that.
“Um, thanks,” Carmy said, pulling a spoon out to mindlessly tap against his thigh. “We couldn’t really afford that right now–”
“Oh! I meant I’d help for free – anything for Syd, y’know?” Sydney really wished Ella was a bitch, it would make things easier. She had been offering to help for months now. Sydney couldn’t really remember why she had never let her friend into the kitchen. There must have been a reason.
“Well, sure, then? That’d be nice, thanks,” Carmy said –sounding suspiciously nervous– his eyes still on Ella.
“Yeah, anytime, when do–”
“El, I’m so sorry, can we catch up about this later?” Sydney interjected desperately. “We have a million things to do before service, and we’ve wasted a chunk of the morning arguing already.”
“Sure, Syd, just let me know what works best for you,” Ella said with a bright grin. “I’ll let you get back to work, we have to catch up soon, okay. And Carmy?” Her eyes lingered on Carmy way longer than was – legal, probably. “It was so nice to finally meet you.”
“You too,” Carmy said with a nod. “Thanks for the offer.”
“Of course,” Ella told him shyly, keeping her eyes on him until she crossed the street. Okay, Sydney’s headache was definitely a migraine now.
“She’s nice,” Carmy said.
“What?” Sydney replied, feeling dangerous as she stomped back into the restaurant, refusing to look back at Carmy trailing behind her. What if he was looking back at Ella’s retreating form? She’d have to kill him.
“Um, El-Ella? She was really nice.”
Sydney gritted her teeth. “The nicest. Can we get back to things?”
Sydney had known Ella since high school, although it took time for them to become friends.
In high school, they were completely and radically opposite from one another, in a way that had not encouraged friendship then, but was much less important as they got older. At fifteen, Sydney was awkward and bitingly sarcastic, with an ambitious focus that came across as off-putting to pretty much everyone, but especially boys. Ella was already gorgeous and comfortable in her own skin, gentle and approachable. She was friends with everyone, only ever had a kind word to say, she was good at literally everything and everyone loved her. There wasn’t any drama, it wasn’t some version of Mean Girls, they just naturally didn’t run into one another very often.
A drunken, tearful night after both their prom dates ditched them in their senior year had brought them in step.
Ella was wonderful. She was supportive and considerate and funny and kind and patient – Sydney could go on for a long time about how great her friend was, how happy Sydney was that Ella was in her life.
Unfortunately, Sydney was starting to have a hard time remembering any of this, because Ella had developed a fucking crush on Carmy, and it was going to put Sydney in an early grave. She didn’t have a fucking clue how to stop it without revealing herself.
She had texted Sydney about Carmy that afternoon and that evening, then the next day, then a week later as Sydney ran low on excuses why she wasn’t responding to Ella’s texts. Partly because Sydney was desperately trying to avoid the panic that set in at the very idea of Carmy liking Ella. Because why wouldn’t he? She was literally the nicest human on the planet. Carmy would be lucky, actually, to get anywhere near her.
Ella wanted to know everything about him, it seemed. She couched it as research for developing their brand on social media, but Ella had never been very good at lying.
“Why don’t you just tell her you like him?” Andy asked her, a friend that had never met Ella or Carmy. She held her tea close and rolled her eyes while Sydney paced and ranted, her hands flying around her face. “Better idea – just fucking tell him.”
“I do not like him like that,” Sydney told her primly. “I don’t.”
“Girl, we got high like two months ago and you admitted it, stop it. Do we need to get high now?”
“No. Maybe. Yeah, hand it over.”
Sydney’s avoidance also had to do with the fact that she was embarrassed she couldn’t answer all of Ella’s casually and innocently worded texts, digging for information that Sydney didn’t realize she didn’t have. She should know Carmy’s birthday, right? Pushing aside Ella’s interest in astrology, Sydney didn’t know his sign because she didn’t know his birthday. She didn’t know if he liked sports, if he had a ‘team.’ She could tell Ella every single food item that Carmy loved, liked, tolerated, or hated, that he was horrible at math but he drew so beautifully that Sydney could cry, that he was nowhere near as patient as he thought he was and he could get mean and angry and could forget her and push her away, and it had barely dimmed how Sydney saw him.
That even with all the shit he had waded through – made them wade through – there was no one else she could spend this much time with. That he fucked up, but he tried to be better, every time, because he was so much braver than Sydney ever could be. She knew his sister and his brother-in-law and his niece and his cousins and whatever the fuck the Faks were, and had met his mother and remembered how scared he had looked when he found out Donna had spoken to Sydney, how he had reached for Sydney automatically, like he wanted to protect her the way that he hadn’t been protected, and–
But she didn’t know his fucking birthday, that was fucking weird.
Did he have hobbies? Sydney would say no, but he had a whole day to himself every week how the fuck did she know what he did those days?
What was his favourite, movie, show, book – his favourite colour, season, weather?
What scared him?
Did he like roller coasters?
Were these things that people should know? Maybe that’s why Ella couldn’t see why this would bother her, if you had a crush on someone maybe you were supposed to know all this shit. Maybe you were supposed to ask them questions so you did know this shit.
But Sydney hadn’t because they were always in the restaurant, and she liked him anyway.
But Sydney’s crush on Carmy was between her and her pillow – unless she was high, then it was between her, Andy, and a joint.
Ella would probably be good for Carmy, Sydney mused one day, as she watched Carmy try and tear his hair out instead of yelling at Richie for suggesting they start singing happy birthday to customers. Ella was calm and mature, she was sweet and supportive, she was so fucking beautiful. She would make Carmy’s life a lot better. It would probably do Carmy good to have something in his life outside of the restaurant.
If Sydney was a better woman, she would try and help Ella connect with him.
She was not.
She would pretend to be too busy to answer Ella’s probing messages, and she would be chill with Carmy, so he didn’t figure out why she had been grumpier with him the last couple of weeks. Chill, normal, completely cool–
“When’s your birthday?” she blurted out one morning instead, while they were huddled close to one another, heads bent over her most recent COGS analysis.
Carmy started, nearly knocking his head into hers when he turned to look at her. “I – what?”
“Your, um, birthday,” Sydney repeated lamely, keeping her eyes focused on the papers in front of them.
She felt Carmy’s eyes narrow. “Please tell me you’re not fucking agreeing with Richie?” he sighed dramatically. “Please.”
Richie? Oh. “Oh, um, no,” she muttered, scratching a note in the margins. “I just realized I didn’t know.”
A year long pause passed. “Okay. That’s good. Th-that you aren’t taking Richie’s side, I mean. It’s in February – the twenty-ninth.”
Sydney’s eyebrows went up. “You’re a leap year baby?”
Carmy winced. “Yeah. I know, every four years,” he said bitterly. “I’m only like six, I know.”
“Oooookay?”
“Sorry, it’s just, it’s–”
“A thing?” Sydney suggested quietly, elbowing him gently. It was never a good idea to push him when it came to his family, not when they were in the restaurant. With Jimmy and Natalie and Richie and the Faks bringing that stuff up frequently, it often made him twitchy and jumpy for hours – Sydney knew better. Usually, he would seek her out after his head had cleared and he would tell her anyway.
“Yeah,” Carmy said, clearly trying to play it off as nothing, “It’s a thing.”
“Gotcha.”
“Mhm.”
“My birthday is–” Sydney started to offer awkwardly.
“The fourth of November. I know,” he said quickly. “Um–”
“Spying on me?”
“Fuck off, Syd,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I used to be your boss–”
“Barely.”
“Barely, fine, but y’know, I had your personnel file.”
“Ooh, very impressive,” Sydney jeered.
“Shut up, Syd,” he said, sounding both exasperated and fond. He started shifting and straightening the papers in front of him. “It’s, um, soon – your birthday. Did you want to maybe–”
“Carm! Carmy! Carmyyyyyy!” Neil shouted frantically as he burst through the doors, Richie hot on his heels.
“Fak, shut up,” Richie snapped, trying to slap a hand over Neil’s mouth. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Front of house business, don’t worry about it.”
Carmy and Sydney sighed in unison, their day beginning in a different way.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” she suggested, already forming a fist.
Carmy breathed out a tired sigh. “Yeah, okay.”
“Y’know, I find it fucking offensive when you guys act like we’re hard to fucking deal with.”
“Shut up, Richie–”
“Fuck off, cousin.”
For a couple of days after that, Sydney felt back to normal. She could almost pretend that the way Ella had looked at Carmy hadn’t happened and had (mostly) stopped worrying about how Carmy had looked at her friend that day. It was fine, she would stay too busy to talk to Ella for a few months, and by then she would have met someone else. Carmy and Sydney would continue as normal. Crisis averted.
But, then–
The restaurant was busy, especially for a Tuesday.
Sydney was barely upright by the time everyone else left, but stayed anyway, so Carmy and she could clean up whatever had been missed. Natalie kept bugging them to go through their expectations with the staff so this wouldn’t happen, but Sydney didn’t mind. It was stupid that the best part of her day could be scrubbing the fucking floor with a toothbrush, Carmy right beside her. They weren’t even talking, just scrubbing.
“I meant to tell you – your friend stopped by,” Carmy said absentmindedly, focused on a stubborn smudge on the tile. “Ella?”
Sydney’s chest twisted painfully. It was late – everyone else had gone home. No one was there to witness this.
“When?” Sydney said sharply – too sharply – flinching when Carmy blinked at her. “You never said.”
Unfairly, Carmy looked at her like she had hit her head. “This morning,” Carmy said slowly, tangling one hand in his mop of curly hair. “We were busy today – I tried to tell you at family?”
She vaguely remembered Carmy trying to talk about something other than their upcoming meeting with Jimmy. “Oh. Um, cool.”
“Yeah. You were on that phone call with Sugar – she waited with me for a bit, but she had to get to work.”
Sydney was being ridiculous. This was the one time that she needed to play everything cool, otherwise Carmy was going to see right through her.
“You guys hung out?”
Maybe she did have a concussion. “Hung out? No, we just like, talked, for like twenty minutes because she wanted to see you.” Ugh, men were so stupid. “She invited me to that trivia thing, this Sunday? She said that you might not go but–”
“I’m going!” Sydney interrupted, way, way too loudly, even though this was the first time she had heard of it. “Of course I’m going. Are you?”
Carmy looked – bashful? “Um, yeah? If-if that’s cool with you?”
Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck.
He wanted her blessing to date Ella. Of course, he fucking did. This was worse than Claire. Sydney fought back the urge to throw up. She wanted to say no, but the hopeful look on Carmy’s stupid, life ruining face killed the words building on her tongue. He deserved to have someone special, and so did Ella, especially after the last year. It would be shitty for Sydney to stop them; it would be completely fucking shitty. It wasn’t Ella’s fault that Sydney had a stupid, one-sided crush. It wasn’t even Carmy’s.
“Yeah,” she said numbly. “Yeah, ‘course it is, Carm. Come.”
His bright, eager smile broke her heart.
For all that Sydney had spent the rest of the week preparing herself for the trivia night, to give Ella tips and Carmy a push – to help them spend some time together…
Well, she forgot all of that coaching the second she walked into the bar and caught sight of Ella and Carmy sitting together. Since when was this man fucking early? To anything? Ella leaned in close to him, laughing, slapping a hand on his arm. Her hand slid over the snail tattoo that Sydney was partial to –and possessive of, apparently– falling away when Carmy leaned back to stretch and cross his arms.
Sydney –who had not dressed up at all, no, and any make-up and jewelry she was wearing was an accident, no other reason– found herself sitting across from Carmy and three seats down, furious without a good reason. Carmy seemed off as well, talking and waving his hands in a way she had never seen before. Who the fuck was this? Since when did he have a friend called Logan? Was he putting on this display to impress Ella? She should say something, he didn’t need to pretend to be someone else – he was perfect as he was.
She choked on her drink – perfect? Is that what she had just thought to herself?
Fuck, Sydney needed to meet someone else.
By the time dinner was over and the bar had started to shift into the trivia part of the night, Sydney was getting desperate. She was looking over at them way too often, she was mindlessly nodding to whatever Adam, Tao, and Becca were talking about and fully not paying attention to. She was lucky that they were tipsy enough that they didn’t notice.
One of the waiters stopped by. “All right guys,” he said cheerfully, “There’s a limit of five per group, so you need to break it up a bit.”
A playful argument broke out across the table, about who went to which team. It was loud and boisterous, and her head ached and heart hurt–
“Syd?” Carmy said quietly into her ear, laughing a little when she jumped. His hand was warm on her bare arm. “Do-do you want to join us?”
He was flushed and fucking cute in the knitted sweater he was wearing, a deep blue that only pulled more attention to his eyes. She knew there would be a story about the jeans he was wearing – he always had unique pieces. He had put product in his hair, but it was valiantly fighting back, the curls tumbling down around his face. He wanted her help, she realized with a pang, probably to make it easier to talk to Ella. She wanted to leave.
But she couldn’t. “Sure, Carm,” she said half-heartedly.
“C’mon,” he said with a small smile, leading her back to their end of the table. He returned to his chair beside Ella, and helplessly Sydney took the seat next to him. This was going to be fucking torture.
“Sydney!” Ella greeted her brightly. “It’s so good to see you! It’s been so long since we did anything.”
“Yeah, um, good to see you too,” she managed lamely. Ella looked fucking beautiful; Sydney felt small in comparison. “Sorry I’ve been so busy lately.”
“No, don’t worry about it,” her friend said warmly. “You guys are doing something special – Carmy and I were talking about what we could do with The Bear’s social media presence.”
There was a beer in front of Carmy. That was weird.
“Yeah, El’s had some good ideas,” Carmy said – they were on a nickname basis now, great. “She agrees with you about TikTok,” he continued wearily, eyeing Sydney with a glint in his eye.
“I’m always right, Carm, I’ve told you that,” Sydney forced out with an eyeroll. Her wine was kicking in, thank god, she might get out of this alive.
Carmy knocked his shoulder against hers. “Yeah, yeah,” he teased. “I still think it’s dumb.”
“Oh, we can totally make it classy! Carm–” Carm? “–has said a million times that he wouldn’t want to be in them–”
“Oh, me neither,” Sydney cut in. “I thought we would stay focused on the food.”
Ella reached for her hand. “Sydney,” she said fondly, “We need to tell a story – and the human element is important!”
“Okay, maybe you were right,” Sydney muttered to Carmy. He choked on his water, coughing through a laugh.
“Too late, Syd,” Ella told her cheerfully.
“Yeah, Syd,” Carmy said in an amused, low tone. “Too late.”
Ugh.
“Carm, drink up – there’s nothing worse than warm beer, and trivia is way more fun tipsy,” Ella said playfully, nodding to the untouched beer in front of him. “You’re already behind!”
Carmy winced. “Yeah, um, like I sai– I don’t really–”
“El, do we have the sheets for trivia?” Sydney asked, pretending to look around the table.
“Oops! No, I’ll grab them – I need to powder my nose anyway.” Ella winked and sauntered away; the only person Sydney knew that could pull off a ‘saunter’ in an attractive way.
She waved down a waiter the moment Ella’s head had turned and ordered a coke.
“We can just switch,” she murmured, trying to avoid anyone else overhearing. Most of their friends had stepped away while trivia was setting up, but Adam was only two seats away from her. “If, um, if you want.”
“Thanks,” Carmy replied, just as softly. “I, uh, did say that I don’t really – um, but El was really excited about it. She got – Leslie?”
“Leslie.”
“One too.” Carmy rubbed his hands against his jeans, probably nervously. “I didn’t want to make a thing of it.”
“She gets excited,” Sydney offered, feeling defensive of Ella.
“Yeah,” Carmy agreed, his knee bouncing rapidly.
“Well, you’ll have an edge in trivia, at least,” Sydney tried to joke, disliking the anxious expression on his face. “Adam’s had like seven beers.”
“And you?” Carmy asked – fuck, why were they so close to one another? His eyes scanned over her face and body as if to discern the truth from body language alone. Sydney wondered with a pang if he had had to learn that growing up with Donna. She wanted to brush the stray curl away from his forehead. He needed a haircut, probably.
“Half a glass of wine, sorry. You still have no chance against me.”
“We’re on the same team, Syd.”
“Yeah, but if I get more answers then you, I still win.”
“Fine, Syd,” Carmy chuckled, “Why didn’t you finish it?”
“Huh?”
“The wine.”
Sydney waved her hand. “Oh, I take too long to drink, Becca stole the rest of it to punish me.”
“Too long?” Carmy asked slowly.
Sydney shrugged. “I dunno – this will definitely make me sound lame, but if it’s not paired correctly with my food, I kinda lose interest in a glass of wine long before I finish it. Hard to see the point.”
A glass of coke appeared before her, and Sydney swapped their glasses.
Carmy snorted. “If I was anyone else, I could judge you, but–”
“You’re just as lame as me?”
“You’re not lame, Syd,” Carmy scoffed. “I’m the one–”
“Oh, no, no, no,” she interrupted with a smirk, “If you’re lame, then I’m lame – all for one!”
“–and one for all,” he finished with an eye roll.
“Fucking Richie,” they said together.
There was a comfortable minute of silence, both of them sipping slowly on their respective drinks. She was berating herself for not noticing the beer thing – of course he would be too polite to say anything, especially when in awe of Ella, Sydney absolutely should have noticed. Before the awkward apology building in her chest could burst from her, Carmy turned to her and broke her brain–
“You look really nice,” he said, sounding shy.
“Fuck off,” she spluttered, “I look like shi–”
“Nice. You look nice,” Carmy said firmly, and Sydney’s throat dried up. What was he doing?
“Thanks,” she said nervously, hating how small and delighted her voice sounded. “You too.”
“Shut up,” Carmy mumbled, so Sydney poked him hard.
“Oh, but I have to take the compliment?”
“It’s different–”
“No, it isn’t–”
“Yes, it is–”
“Trivia time!” Ella interrupted loudly, holding up the sheets so everyone could see.
Sydney shifted away from Carmy, clearing her throat. Idiot.
The rest of the night passed in a daze, and they got destroyed at trivia. Sydney focused on Becca, across from her, instead of whatever Carmy and Ella were talking about.
She felt hyperaware of Carmy as they all got up to leave, he was a blazing fucking furnace, as always, and he smelled really good. He usually did, but he had put cologne on, and the effect had settled low and distracting in her stomach.
“Can I give you a ride home?” he asked as they bid goodbye to everyone else.
And Sydney almost–
“I’d love one!” Ella cheered, still delightful when she was tipsy, reaching both hands towards the sky with a massive grin. With tight feeling in her chest, Sydney remembered what she had promised herself – promised them the past week.
“Nah, I’m good. It’s one of the last good nights of the year, I’ll take the L.” Sydney hugged Ella easily, squeezing her wonderful, deserving friend.
Carmy frowned. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, yup, sure. Have a good night, you two!”
And then she fled.