Chapter Text
“Good job Atsushi!” I meant it. The cherry blossoms were beautiful, and he had managed to get there ridiculously early to claim a decent spot for us. We didn’t run into the ‘black lizards ect.’ either this time, thankfully. I could just lay there in peace, drinking and laughing with colleagues, watching the delicate petals blown from the trees, and then occasionally getting up to ask some nameless face to a double suicide. It doesn’t matter who they are or what they look like, it’s like I said, I like all women.
I’ll settle for any woman that’ll take me.
“Thanks Dazai!” The boy’s grinning now, still smiling as he walks face first into lamppost on the side of the street, next to a very enticing canal…oh. Shit. That’s when I see it. On the other side of the canal, sun beating down on porcelain, freckle-adorned skin, red hair blazing, framing his face in wavy strands, somewhat styled. Looks soft, almost, with sections highlighted by the sunlight, like woven gold. He’s on his fucking motorbike and gods. It’s criminally hot. Unbearably so, actually. The police should detain him. Maybe I’ll call Ango… but then I wouldn’t get to see his eyes.
Eyes that were glistening with pure, unfiltered emotion, disgustingly human, the same color as the deep blue canal, bright and sparkling, an ocean I’d like to drown myself in, if given the chance. Then he turns away and smiles. A smile so awkward and boyish and so blinding I might just have to harass him into paying for my new glasses, but then I’d look like Kunikida, which is a no-can-do.
But fuck, he’s looking right at me, and I can’t seem to force myself to look away, because he’s grinning like that, at me. And he’s waving. At me? I can’t help but stare in wonder and curiosity, until my view is invaded by another shade of red, unnatural looking, and once again unwelcome, if not slightly more, along with a streak of black. Oh. He wasn’t looking at me. He’s waving at them. He’s waving at Tachihara and Gin, not me. It’s slightly soul crushing, almost.
Then suddenly my staring apparently becomes quite obvious, much to my distaste. “ Oh my god you’re staring. Dude you look fucking starstruck, and, holy shit, what the hell are disappointed at? Are you ok Dazai?” Yosano, ever the wingman, decides to abruptly declare, under the guise of caring about my wellbeing like any good doctor should, but her smirk says otherwise, sly bitch. Then the others start to take notice as-well. Thanks, Yosano.
“You look fucking whipped, so who is it? Omg they’re from the port? Dude you are so screwed, good luck with that!” Sigh. “Gee thanks Tanizaki, that observation was helpful as always, now shut the fuck up, I’m not whipped and I wasn’t staring, merely glancing in horror at the atrocious sights within our current area.” I snap, unintentionally and unusually so for me, pointedly glaring at Yosano and Tanizaki, and frankly everyone but Atsushi, because he has an attitude that’s for sure, and has grown more comfortable over the course of the year, but would never betray me like that.
Or so I thought. “All due respect Dazai, you clearly were, so who is it? Is it Gin! Oh but wait didn’t you take her in? That’s… disturbing, and weird, even for you.” Betrayal. Utter betrayal. How could he do this to me?! His mentor?! His savior?! Me!!!? Inconceivable! “No it’s not. And I wasn’t staring!” I get a look for that. “So it’s Tachihara then? Didn’t think you were into gingers, or men for that matter, considering the amount of complaints the Agency gets for you harassing women.” Right, now that was a low blow. Not wrong, but still, rude.
“You too Kunikida! Why are you all ganging up on meeeeee? S’not fair!” It’s starting to piss me off now, I can take some teasing, and I enjoy some light hearted banter when I’m feeling up for it, but I don’t want them to know. And I don’t even know what there is to find out. A small amount of attraction yeah, but it still confuses me and I don’t like not knowing things, especially about myself. I mean, I’m onto women, there is no exception, but at least I can notice when someone looks good dammit, I’m not blind for fucks sake, that’s all it is.
“Are you all idiots? Don’t answer that. Alas! The world’s greatest detective shall help you insolent fools! It’s so obviously Chuuya, how can you not tell? He was shooting lasers out of his eyes at him before the other two even got there.” Not funny. Also. WTAF RANPO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AAHSJSJHAFAHJAANSJSBAA THE HELL MAN NOT COOL NOT COOL FUUUUUUUUUCCKKKK!!!
“Holy shit you’re right!” Yosano I swear to god. “Look, I was just day dreaming of drowning in the canal, alright? I don’t give two shits what’s on the other side of it.” So for fucks sake, as well as what remains of my sanity, please drop it.
“Well they sure do, because they’re looking at us right now.” Wait what? I turn around and… wow. He’s sat there, ignoring his friends, eyes locked on mine, and suddenly I can’t breathe because fuck, now he actually is smiling at me. And then he’s got his hands back on the handles of his motorbike and turning away just as fast, before crossing a bridge somewhere to the right of us, at least a good twenty meters, and is now currently in front of me, getting off his bike before walking towards us, a mere foot away. Up close I can count his freckles, and see my reflection in his eyes, tainting them. It’s… heavy. The way he’s looking at me without hatred or resentment, just pure amusement. Shit. Did he see me staring?
“Oi Mackerel, me, Kouyo, and the rest of the gang were gonna rent out a bar later, have a few drinks and karaoke, wanna join? The Agency already has an alliance, and I’d like to get to know the fuckers.” He moves his gaze onto Yosano and Ranpo, who I didn’t even realize had straddled up beside me, and? Holy shit, taking my pulse? How the fuck did they even do that without me noticing!? I’m never this unaware! Dammit, it’s all the hat racks fault for distracting me, stupid chibi. “Yo, you like red wine right? And you, you like shit talking? And you’re a detective too, I could use a new gossip buddy.” Oh he’s good, he knows how to get them wrapped round his gloved, slender finger. “It’s all on me.” And my fate was sealed.
That damn slug.
“Hell yeah! We’re in! Right Kunikida?” Say no say no say no say no say no say no please for the love of whatever the fuck is even out there say no. “I suppose if I’m not the one paying for once I don’t mind. And he’s right, it will be a good chance to strengthen our alliance and get to know one another.” Screw you Kunikida, honestly. And the universe. “Do I get a say in all this?” Rude, like he’s my enemy, and they don’t even consider asking me? Where the hell are their manners now?! Preposterous. “Like what if I say no? I don’t want to hang out with a chibi slug like him! And an alcoholic non the less!” It’s true, all his chibiness would be bad for my health, he’s so careless, not even thinking about me, where’s the compassion?
“You sure you don’t want to go? Your heart rates elevated which could mean your excited or-”
“Alright fine! Jeez Yosano, I know it’s your job but could you tone down all the detectivenyess? And besides it could also mean I’m scared, no, horrified, at the mere thought of being around people so short I worry that my knees will be eaten by them.”
“Oi, I’m not a fucking cannibal you asshole! You don’t have to come you know? If you’re really that disgusted you bastard.” No, fuck, why did he look upset? I doubt anyone else would be able to notice, and it’s gone just as quickly as it’d appeared, but it was definitely there. Silly hat rack, getting offended over nothing, Fiiinnneee. “And leave my dear coworkers on their own with the likes of you? I would never leave them to fend for themselves like that!”
“Literally last week you left in the middle of a mission because a delivery of canned crab that you ordered had arrived early.” Kunikida so helpfully decided to point out, a blunt expression pulling at his sharp features. Fucking four eyes.
“Great! Looks like we’re all coming, it’ll be fun! Thank you so much for inviting us Chuuya!”
“No problem kid, see ya shitty Dazai.” And he left. Just like that. I must be in so much shock I’m still processing because what the actual fuck just happened.
And then I hear it. Sniggering. I whip my head around so fast I think I pull a muscle and almost break my neck. It’s all of them. All five of them, openly guffawing at me from behind their hands, which they’re using in an attempt to hide their snorts. I’ve been completely and utterly humiliated. By a tiny little bitch. What the hell. And then those dreaded words leave Yosano’s mouth and worm their way into my crying ears… “So, anything you wanna tell us? Should we start with Chuuya Nakahara? Or your sexuality? Any other secrets you’ve been hiding?” Fuck. Alright then, I guess I have no choice.
“Shit, fine, I do have something to tell you all, something I have been in denial of, but unfortunately cannot withhold any longer. I am… bisexual. I think. I’m attracted to women, but occasionally I see a man and think he’s attractive, nothing more, nothing less. Therefore I am certifiably straight-passing.” AND FOR SOME REASON THAT MAKES THEM LAUGH EVEN MORE?
“We know! You idiot! But what about Chuuya?”
“Jesus Atsushi calm down, there’s nothing going on between me and the slug, he’s my dog after all, and I picked a good one. But I’m not gonna fall for some ugly, slimy slug, now am I?” Please for the love of some kind of god let that be convincing. Huh? Hang on a minute. Wh-
“You know what, fine, let’s drop it everyone, he’s clearly in denial, and he’ll never admit to it at this rate. So, new question, what is everyone wearing?” I take it back. Ranpo you are my hero.
“I don’t have anything else to where that’s nice, I was just gonna go like this as usual.” I mean why not? It’s not like there’s anyone I need to impress that’ll be there other than- NO ONE! NO ONE AT ALL BC WTF EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW NO! Phew. Anyways, I could probably switch out my bolo for an actual tie, no matter how uncomfortable or stuffy, and I’m pretty sure I have a different shirt, a black dress shirt I think, so I should be fine either way.
“No, absolutely not! We have been generously invited out and I will not allow you to shame our agency like this! We have a reputation to uphold!”
“And we want to look good too, Kunikida, it’s about the fashion, besides, I’m not sure they have the best impression of us anyways.”
“You’re not wrong, which is exactly why we need to dress for the occasion! Now, who here is gonna help this waste of bandages because he obviously needs it.”
“I WILL!” It’s fucking unanimous. Oh well, that could’ve gone worse at least. Everything should be fine for now. I’ll just have to make sure to consume as much whisky and sake as I physically can, with a bonus of racking up the chibi’s bill. Hehehe.