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There's always been an imbalance between them, with giving, with taking. With power and control. Need and want. It’s a tug of war, and Ness’ palms are scraped raw.
Kaiser will never give himself to Ness willingly.
Ness knows that already, though. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever. Not the way Ness wants him, needs him to. Never with utter devotion and trust, relinquishing his control and giving it to Ness. Not with his heart. Always with a scowl, with provoking words to get a rise out of him, with an unimpressed stare, with a bored tilt of his head. He doesn’t expect Kaiser to suddenly love him, he’s not that foolish, but he can hope, one day, somewhere done the line, that maybe he might.
This is all he’ll ever get. This being Kaiser’s mocking grin while he’s robbed of oxygen by Ness’ very hand, his hurtful insults he spits out hidden between derisive pleas of “faster, harder, I can barely feel anything.” This being Kaiser’s cold attitude right after he finishes on Ness’ bedsheets, the blunt until next time or whatever gesture will count as a goodbye as he gets out of the bed and puts his clothes back on, efficient and with solid, steady hands, like what they just did meant nothing, like it doesn’t affect either of them, all while Ness feels like a trembling, pathetic mess, alone in the bed.
It’s barely enough to satiate the overwhelming hunger inside his empty heart. Like the tiniest droplet of water down a parched man’s throat.
It’s cruel. Kaiser is so cruel for pushing his way back into his life, a space far too small for them both, cruel for crawling into his bed smelling of bitter alcohol and sweet perfume, his eyes glassy and lidded, stray hands wandering over Ness’ body, under his clothes. Cruel for dragging Ness down with him and forcing him to do things he doesn’t really want to do, like when Kaiser begs to be hit. Cruel for running his fingers down Ness’ bare chest, up the inseam of his pant leg, teasing, toying with him. For leaning over him, bringing his lips so close to his ear that Ness can feel the moisture on his breath and demanding, ‘fuck me like you mean it’.
Kaiser is cruel, for always giving him all of his body but never a single fragment of his heart.
So Ness is cruel in return, has to be, in the only way he learned how to be. Kaiser taught him that, taught him all of this, including how to suppress his own wants and desires in exchange for something facile.
He grabs at Kaiser’s hips, presses his body into the mattress until he can barely breathe, tugs his head forward again, hand gripping the dyed blue tips. Chokes him until he can feel Kaiser’s body go slack beneath his firm grip, until he stops fighting and thrashing and lets himself be used. He sinks his teeth into the soft flesh of Kaiser’s shoulder, imagines how pretty the red marks would look later on, but knows Kaiser won’t stay long enough to allow him to admire the sight.
He flips their positions, Kaiser on his back, Ness straddling his chest. Parts his pretty lips with his cock, sinking into the warm, wet heat. He pushes Kaiser’s face down again before Kaiser can throw him a bored glance upward. He forces his mouth open with a harsh grip, fingers pressed into the sides of his cheeks, Kaiser’s lips wrapping around his length, fucks his throat with shallow thrusts until he can feel Kaiser yielding under the brutal assault, can feel his gag reflex contracting under the pressure. Until those usually expressionless and scrutinising eyes are filled with unshed tears, until there’s fear in them, until Kaiser is struggling violently against his harsh grip and the lack of oxygen reaching his lungs, gagging around the cock in his mouth, drool spilling down his chin. Ness thrusts a little bit harder, then, a little bit faster, a little bit deeper into the heat, his fingers slipping through blonde-blue strands, tugging at them and pulling forward, holding Kaiser’s head in place long enough for Kaiser to gag and choke.
He pulls his hair hard once more, before he lets go and Kaiser’s falls back onto the pillows limply. Ness spills into his mouth, some of his release landing on Kaiser’s cheeks as he pulls away. Kaiser swallows it with a bob of his throat. Ness reaches between them and strokes Kaiser with hard and fast movements, squeezes harder when Kaiser tries to buck up into his hand, desperate to get off. Ness moves his hand down to cup his balls, and Kaiser comes with a breathless grunt, throbbing in Ness’ hand.
Ness wipes the spend on the sheets, figures he’ll just wash them later once Kaiser’s gone again, and collapses onto Kaiser’s chest. The only sound is their heavy breathing and the quiet creaking of the bed, the rustle of sheets, both of them trying to get their breath back. It’s not a particularly comfortable silence, and it never lasts long. The night isn’t close to being over yet. Kaiser opens his eyes, and spits out a breathless but pointed, “That’s all you can do?” Ness doesn’t register his body moving before his palm connects with Kaiser’s cheek, and a loud slap rings out.
He slaps him a second time, to push away the sudden urge to caress his pretty face gently instead. Kaiser just grins cockily up at him, lip split open, blood staining his teeth. A third slap, because through the pain they connect in the only way they know how. A fourth and a fifth, with the back of his hand this time, because Kaiser’s looking at him with eyes that are practically begging him to make him bleed now, challenging Ness to bring him to the breaking point — and then push beyond, beg him to wreck him, to make him forget, to make him feel whole again.
“Come on,” Kaiser says, “Fucking hit me harder.”
Ness flinches back as if he’s been burned, up off of the bed and away from Kaiser’s bruised and naked body, legs still spread, wrists bound with the belt above his head. Make him feel whole. Ness understands in this very moment that he can’t, and he never could. Because Kaiser won’t let him. He lets him use and break his body when he demands it of Ness, lets him bruise and abuse him, still clinging to control the whole time, calling the shots. But he won’t allow Ness to put him back together afterwards, never allows him to slow down and ask if he really wants this, because he doesn’t want Ness to leave anything behind worth repairing.
“What? Too scared to hit me again? Or are you already out of stamina? Pathetic,” Kaiser scoffs. Ness is back on top of him in an instant, hand raised in the air, muscles tensed with the expectation of making contact with Kaiser’s face, ready to wipe off the cruel smirk on his mouth, ready to force more moans from his mouth, to make him choke on them, to ruin him just like Kaiser wants him to — and halts mid-motion when their eyes meet on reflex.
Ness sees through them like windows. It’s so clear that he wonders how he hadn’t before. Maybe he had, but he’d been too scared of losing Kaiser to really notice, to do anything about it. The bruises he left — that Kaiser made him leave — were just visible proof that Ness wasn’t enough.
This is exactly what Kaiser wants. Wants to relive his past, and Ness — Ness doesn’t want that. He wants to love Kaiser, to hold him and kiss him, not to do whatever this is. Kaiser is desperate to feel, and for someone who’s only known suffering and pain and the emptiness that comes creeping in with it, this is the only way he knows how to feel. He just needs to be treated gently, but begs for pain and hatred and despair and violence instead, because he’s so terrified of what gentleness or love or care would do to a heart that has never experienced it before. He’s been giving Kaiser the wrong thing for years, he realises. Like watering a plant but keeping it in the dark.
“Well? What are you waiting for?” Kaiser sneers, his mouth twisted in clear disdain and mockery, tilting his head up, showing off his marked neck, like he’s proving a point, and Ness feels guilty all over again.
Ness’ hand flies down, but not to connect with Kaiser’s face. Instead, it falls to the column of Kaiser’s neck. His fingers tremble around Kaiser’s throat in effort not to choke him unconscious, the burning sensation of anger urging him to just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, tighter and tighter until Kaiser doesn’t have enough air to hurt him anymore, until there’s not enough air to breathe, until he is pushed back into that dark place of pure terror and helplessness. That’s what Kaiser wants him to do, he reminds himself, fingers quivering against Kaiser’s skin. The ghost of a smirk appears on Kaiser’s lips, the glint in his eyes malicious. “Do it or fuck off, so I can find someone else who can actually follow orders.”
Words that would usually force his hand to tighten and clamp down now make him loosen his grip around Kaiser’s bruised throat. All this time he’s been encouraging someone who pours gasoline into an open fire and waits to get engulfed by the flames, wanting to get burned. Who wants to get both of them burned, because Ness is always by his side, one way or another, codependent on each other in ways they haven’t even discovered and explored yet. He’s fueled the fire just as much as Kaiser himself has. Now, he has to put it out.
“You won’t.” Ness is surprised at his own words, at the harsh tone of his voice, at the sudden realisation of their positions. Once, a long time ago, speaking back to Kaiser was unheard of.
“I don’t need you, Ness,” Kaiser spits back, “Don’t you get that? I don’t fucking need you or this. You’re replaceable. And I will replace you if you don—“
“You won’t.” Ness repeats, taking a deep breath. “You don’t trust anyone else like you do me. And no one can give you everything you want like I can.” A pause, a moment of utter silence, letting the words sink into the silence. “No one will do the fucked-up things you want them to do to you in good conscience. Except me.” He jabs his finger at Kaiser’s chest accusingly.
Kaiser swallows, a deep scowl on his face, and Ness can suddenly see through his eyes, can see the natural confidence he holds that comes with knowing he won’t ever be the one to be cast aside, left behind. And then, underneath the confident mask, he can see the anger and frustration in Kaiser’s eyes and beneath it, a subtle but inevitable stirring pool of emotion he's never seen Kaiser express before: fear.
“Tell me you want this.” Ness says, the tone of his own voice foreign to his ears. This side of himself is new. This side is unexplored. This side feels good, like an important piece of him has finally snapped into place, or an extra, benign limb has fallen off and made way for something new to grow in its place. He’s not going to mindlesslt obey and follow Kaiser’s every whim and order, not anymore.
“Are you serious right now?” Kaiser scoffs, fighting against the piece inside of his own heart that wants to snap into place, fit into the puzzle. He’s trying his hardest to find his way back into a position of power, to push them both back onto the stage and finish the rest of his play, back to how things were mere minutes ago, to keep them in this endless cycle of hurting and being hurt, because he’s afraid of what lies beyond the pain. Gentleness, softness, tenderness.
Ness isn’t afraid anymore. Not of Kaiser, not of standing up to him. He wants to show him that there’s nothing to be scared of.
“Yeah. Yeah, you will,” he breathes out. “Do it, or I won’t continue.” He means it and it carries in his tone.
It takes Kaiser longer to answer than it usually would, visibly struggling to hold onto some fragment of control. “Drop the act, Ness. We both know you won’t stop, so get on wi—“
Ness stands up wordlessly and crosses his arms over his chest, his gaze fixed firmly on Kaiser’s face. He waits, something he’d thought himself incapable of, especially when it came to Kaiser, but it works. “God, why do I still bother with you?” Kaiser rolls his eyes. “You are so fucking useless.”
It’s funny, almost, how the most hurtful remarks can be ignored so effortlessly once you know they’re all just desperate lies, uttered out in fear.
Ness doesn’t respond, watches how Kaiser struggles with the decision, and makes one of his own. In the silence of the room he can hear Kaiser’s rough breaths, can hear him swallow thickly, hear him fighting with himself in his mind. It’s a terrible struggle, to admit what you want so badly, especially aloud, Ness knows, but it’s a needed one. This is the first step in a flight of a thousand stairs. It gets better once you accept it, Ness instinctively wants to reassure him, comfort him, but he knows Kaiser doesn’t care for his words or his reassurance.
“I—” Kaiser huffs, and with his face burning with both anger and shame, the vein in his temple visibly distended, he finally gives in to Ness’ order. “Fine, fine— I want it. There. Happy now?” He grits out.
He’s not happy. It’s not enough. He swings one leg over Kaiser’s middle and seats himself on his hips. A small part of him wants to walk out now, call this a win and leave it at that.
“Now what?” Kaiser demands, trying his best to act like he’s unaffected, but his body is tense, muscles flexed, ready to lash out. He’s out of his element, out of knowledge, out of his comfort zone. He needs something he’s familiar with, something that grounds him.
So, Ness lays one hand around his throat and instinctively, Kaiser flinches. He thinks he’s going to choke him.
Ness doesn’t. Not this time.
He flexes his fingers and adjusts his hand a few times to gauge a reaction. He’s done this hundreds of times before, but this time is different. It’s controlled, unhurried, calm. Without the pressure of having to perform, without the urge to cut off his airway as fast and hard as possible in order to protect himself from Kaiser’s hurtful words, without hatred and fury and guilt flaring up in his veins as he takes what Kaiser gives.
This here is for both of their benefit. He’ll make sure Kaiser knows that.
There’s a ring around Kaiser’s neck, red and marked, Ness’ fingerprints bruised all across his throat and nail marks etched in the crook of his neck. Some bruises are darker, blue or purple and not from tonight, not from Ness, but Kaiser himself. Some have almost healed off completely, only a little yellow, but still noticeable if one really looks. And Ness always does.
Eventually, he turns his thumb slightly upwards, his hand in a looser grip to brush across Kaiser’s adam’s apple. He watches in slight fascination how it bobs up and down underneath his touch as Kaiser’s breath hitches, swallowing nervously, trying to keep himself stoic under the ever hardening pressure.
“Hurry the fuck up.” Kaiser orders. It’s a desperate attempt to claw at any fragment of control and snatch it from Ness. He moves his thumb out to the side now, stretches his hand all across his throat, like he’s done so many times before. He looks down at Kaiser, who’s squirming in anticipation, getting ready for the tight brutal grip around his throat, for the pressure against his windpipe and inside his head once the lack of oxygen properly sets in. Waits for Ness to do his bidding and inflict the pain and suffering he longs for.
Instead, Ness brushes his thumb over the crook of his neck softly, over a purplish-blue bruise. Usually, he’d push down on it, on each bruise he’s left on Kaiser to remind him of the exact moment he gave it to him, but this here is different — he wants to show him how good tenderness can feel in between the roughness and the pain, so he just gently squeezes, watches the confusion wash over Kaiser’s features. Underneath his touch, goosebumps trail over Kaiser’s skin. Kaiser’s gaze is fixed on him, pupils dilated and eyes blown wide in a maelstrom of different emotions.
See, Ness wants to say, smiling down at him, it feels good, doesn’t it? Being treated gently.
Kaiser narrows his eyes to a glare, interpreting Ness’ soft smile as a mockery, or worse, lovingly. Not giving Kaiser a chance to speak or move, he tightens his grip now. The reaction is immediate: the little choked-up gasp he lets out, the way Kaiser presses up into his hold, the way his pulse starts to pick up, fluttering up his throat underneath his hand.
Like this, Kaiser looks almost at peace, eyes fluttering open and closed, mouth falling open and gasping for air, eyebrows drawn together in utter bliss. Void of any anger or hostility, just like Ness is void of any real fury or hatred when he does this for Kaiser. Ness has the power, now.
It wasn’t that way before: no matter how hard he fucked Kaiser in the past, how tight he’d wrapped his hands around his throat or how many bruises he’d left on his body, it always had been merely the illusion of power. He’d always reacted to Kaiser’s whims instead of acting. Always on the defense, always trying to make up for something, always overcompensating his fear of being abandoned with rougher thrusts and harder hits because he thought that’s what Kaiser wanted. Because he thought that’s what he needed to do to keep Kaiser around. Because Kaiser thought that’s what he needed for himself, when in fact, what they both need is something much simpler.
To love, to let themselves be loved.
Ness counts to fifteen in his head and then relaxes his grip. Kaiser’s eyelids flutter open at the lack of contact, gaze unfocused but not completely fucked-out, confused but not irritated. Clearly waiting to see what Ness will do next. Both of them know it takes Kaiser exactly eight seconds to first feel the lack of oxygen, fourteen seconds to really want to breathe, twenty to start struggling against the grip, thirty to really thrash against his hand and around the minute or so mark to pass out. But Ness also knows that it takes Kaiser only one second of having his breathing restricted, a hand around his throat, to slip into that blissful state of mind he craves, that helpless little boy who can control the outcome, rather than his usual cruel and mean self. He’s not mean, not really. Or, he doesn’t mean to be. Maybe he means to be, but deep down, he doesn’t actually want to be.
Ness tests his luck, tests Kaiser’s courage for change, when he leaves his hand wrapped around his throat, but doesn’t tighten his grip. Gives Kaiser a chance to throw insults at him, to demand for something harder and rougher, to try provoking him and pushing Ness to hurt him.
But Kaiser doesn’t. His mouth opens, closes, opens again, like a goldfish, eyes round and dazed and so clearly confused. Ness keeps his hand loose around Kaiser’s throat, keeps his gaze fixed firmly on him. Waiting. After what feels like forever of agonising silence, Ness’ patience is rewarded with something he’s always longed for: Kaiser’s trust, as he bares his throat a little more, head tilting back slightly, eyes falling shut again. He’s waiting, Ness realises. He’s just waiting for Ness to decide. He looks so utterly perfect like this, so damn beautiful, actively offering his throat and with it for the first time, his trust.
“Good boy,” Ness says, presses down and takes his breath away again. Kaiser’s eyes fly open instead of fluttering closed this time, staring wide-eyed at him while he’s gasping for oxygen, restricted by Ness’ hand. He’s never looked at him this way, so confused, so affected, at a complete loss with what to feel, what to do. Ness likes the look on him. Kaiser seems to move with such ease, always so effortless and relaxed, giving off a air superiority in the presence around him, so seeing him in an unknown environment is something Ness has imagined plenty of times. Ness wants to be the one to guide him through these unknown plains.
He smiles at the thought, but he doesn’t say what he really wants to say. Instead, he tries something Kaiser has never particularly liked: praise. Kaiser interprets it as an insult. “Good, just like that.” Ness says, voice soft and low.
It has the desired effect. Kaiser’s eyes fall shut again, his mouth going slack and Ness just knows there’d have been a quiet moan to slip past his lips if he wasn’t currently choking the air from his lungs.
Like before, he counts to fifteen before loosening his grip. Like before, he keeps his hand wrapped gently around his throat afterwards, daring to brush over the skin with his thumb softly. Like before, he allows his gaze to roam over Kaiser’s face, taking in all the little, beautiful details on his features. Ness loves looking at him. Could do it all day if Kaiser let him. He presses down again, counting the seconds as he takes Kaiser in. The crooked nose — eight, nine, ten — the inviting fullness of his lips sixteen, seventeen, eighteen — the faint freckles on his cheeks — twenty five — the pretty colour of his eyes, — thirty two — a shade of clear sky blue, currently overcast and clouded over by lust and arousal. At the forty five second mark, he releases the pressure.
Kaiser’s face is red, from both feeling flushed and the lack of air reaching his lungs. Slowly, he calms back down, comes back into himself, slips out of his blissful state and it brings him back to the situation at hand: Ness, quite obviously, admiring and examining all of his features.
“Could you stare any harder? I can feel your eyes burning holes in my skin.” What’s clearly supposed to be a try at a provocation and irritation just sounds breathless to his ears. To save Kaiser the effort of coming up with another poor insult or harsh criticism, he leans down, connects their lips.
The metallic coppery taste of Kaiser’s split lip seeps into his mouth and for a moment his stomach clenches uncomfortably, remembering other moments similar to this one. Kaiser doesn’t reciprocate the gentler kiss, his mouth rigid and unmoving under Ness’ own, but that’s okay. He doesn’t pull away or push him off, either, so Ness takes the small win. He pulls back, presses a few soft pecks on his swollen lips, the corners of his mouth, but he stays impossibly close to him, patiently, waiting. Never far. Kaiser could lean up and take it, if he wanted to. Below him, the other looks as if he’s being torn between two worlds, torn between what he wants and what he needs.
Ness gives him time, careful not to push his limits too much, knows better than to throw him in the deep end, because Kaiser will let himself drown, and if Ness tries saving him, he’ll pull Ness down with him. After a few moments of studying his face for any negative reaction and finding none, he reaches up, caressing his cheek, fingertips following the tender red marks where the palm of his hand had connected with his skin earlier.
“I’m sorry,” lays on the tip of his tongue, threatens to slip off on instinct. He swallows it down, knowing it would undo any kind of progress they’ve made tonight, bringing them right back to where they began. Besides, Kaiser doesn’t care for apologies, nor does he care for regret or pity, especially Ness’.
“Micha?” He whispers instead, hoping to get his attention. “Michael?”
The use of his full name is what finally breaks Kaiser’s stubborn resolve and has him leaning upward into Ness. Their lips clash hard at first, but Ness can tell there’s no anger, no need for power or attempt to dominate. Instead, he’s so utterly pliant when Ness takes control of the kiss, a hand cradling his jaw, humming into Ness’ mouth when he’s guided back down into the pillows. Ness keeps the kiss slow, soft, paced. All controlled by him. He slips his tongue into Kaiser’s mouth, and the reaction he gets is divine: quiet gasps against his lips, soft moans and poorly stifled whines, his body arching up against Ness’ own, in search for more contact, their hips pressed close.
Kaiser has never been a particularly quiet lover with anyone — Ness knows, has heard enough to be able to tell which are Kaiser’s and which are from whoever he’s bedded that night — and much less so with Ness himself. He tries to repress it, starting off with a fight, but always ends up a whimpering mess on the sheets. But Ness has never heard him let out noises quite like these before, so desperate and needy, has never seen him melt into their kiss so beautifully like Ness is everything that he wants and needs, but never allowed himself to have.
Obedient. Pliant. Submissive.
Things he’s wanted Kaiser to be for so long. Just for him. Ness grins to himself a bit as Kaiser whines desperately when he ends the kiss, chasing it before realising it’s useless.
“I love the noises you make.” Ness says. With a little smile he brushes one blonde strand back behind his ear, his eyes never straying from his face. “The prettiest sounds I’ve ever heard. You’re so perfect, Kaiser, really, so—”
“Enough with the praises.” Kaiser cuts him off, but the pink flush that creeps over his cheeks betrays his words. “I’m not into whatever you’re trying to do here.”
Then why are you hard, Ness thinks. Why are you looking at me like that, rutting against my leg if you’re not into this?
He doesn’t say any of that, of course. Instead, he says, “Sorry. I won’t say it anymore then,” immediately seeing the irritated expression on Kaiser’s face slip a little, before he can put his mask of stoicism back on.
“You’re really getting on my nerves tonight. Don’t push it.” Kaiser huffs. It’s an empty threat, Ness knows. In the past, Kaiser might have gotten up and left him like this: desperate, aching, needy.
But it’s too late for that now, they’ve already crossed a line they can’t undo. Kaiser won’t leave like this. Ness won’t let him. Deep down, he thinks Kaiser knows in some part of himself that this is what he wants, but would rather repress it than let it out. It’s easier that way. For years, Ness longed for him, suppressed his own wants and needs and put Kaiser on a pedestal. He wants to be equals.
Despite the threat, and the scornful look on his face, all that comes to Ness’ mind is: Pretty. Gorgeous. Ethereal. So perfect underneath me. The most beautiful man. I want his devotion, his appreciation, his obedience.
More than that, he wants his love.
Stupid, gullible, lovesick. Ness isn’t that naive, knows better than to wish on a falling star. Kaiser’s love is like the end of a rainbow. Ness walks and walks, treks across deserts and jungles and never finds the end of it.
Kaiser's respect would be enough. His approval, his devotion. His trust. Ness doesn’t need Kaiser’s heart, but need and want can be synonymous, sometimes.
Swallowing his nerves, Ness leans over the other slowly, forcing Kaiser to reciprocate his gaze. He doesn’t think he can ever go back to how they were before: hurting him, roughing him up, letting Kaiser goad him into it. Not when he has first-hand confirmation that Kaiser can be different.
“And what if I do, Kaiser?” He dares to lay bare a part of his real self, of his true desires, wants, needs. “What if I want to push it?” It’s terrifying, the vulnerability that comes with confessing to Kaiser that he craves for something more meaningful, for something that goes beyond the physical. This must be how it feels for Kaiser to ask for what he wants, too, he realises, with a tinge of sympathy.
“Then you’ll seriously fucking regret it.” Kaiser sneers.
“Are you afraid?” Ness asks, pushing at Kaiser’s barricades. “That if I push, I’ll find something you don’t want me to? Is it loving you’re afraid of? Of being loved? Of being so emotionally and physically vulnerable with someone?” He expected to be interrupted right away, laughed at or mocked by Kaiser. Instead, he’s met with a wide-eyed look of surprise. “With me?” He doesn’t really want Kaiser to answer that last part, if it is the case.
“It’s terrifying, right?” Ness continues, persevering, trying not to focus too much on the thought that maybe Kaiser can love, he just can’t live Ness. His voice is hoarse, all his emotions bundled up and tightening into a knot in his throat. He pushes through nonetheless. He needs to. “The thought of experiencing something you never have before. It’s so terrifying that you favour the pain and anger and the hatred over the slightest semblance of gentleness and care.”
He feels completely naked and bare with the words he spoke aloud, his heart offered on a silver platter for Kaiser to keep or destroy. Even so, he keeps eye contact with Kaiser.
“Shut up,” Kaiser hisses, his bottom lip trembling, “Shut the fuck up. You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.” He’s never seen Kaiser try this hard to close off his real emotions and fail so miserably.
“What part of you is saying that right now, Kaiser?” Ness asks, warmth blossoming inside him as Kaiser doesn’t even make a move to dodge the hand caressing his face. “Your past? Your shame? Your fear? Or your heart?” Keeping his touch light, he slides his hand down to his chest, laying it right above his heart, the muscle rapidly beating under his palm. “It’s not your heart,” he dares to state the truth. “We both know that, Kaise—”
His words are cut short as his mouth is silenced by Kaiser’s lips, Kaiser’s hands wrapping around his neck like a noose, not allowing him to pull back. Kaiser kisses him with an unfiltered desperation, one that Ness has never felt from him before, deep and hard, as if he wants Ness just as much as he wants him to forget the conversation they just had.
As much as Ness revels their kiss and the eagerness that seeps out of Kaiser’s every motion, as much as he wishes to let himself melt into and embrace Kaiser, he can’t. He won’t. It’s just another manipulation tactic and if it works, he fears they’ll never get back to that in-between stage again.
He disentangles himself from Kaiser, ignores the surprise and confusion on the other’s face and begins to unfasten the belt wrapped around his wrists. Kaiser’s eyes go wide. “What?” He splutters, trying to pull his hands out of Ness’ grasp in vain. "Wait, what are you—?" He looks almost scared at the prospect of being untied, at being abandoned. At having to make the decision to stay or go, now that both options are viable. Ness won’t make it for him this time.
Ness speaks before Kaiser can even act. “I want you to obey me, because you want to. Not because I force you. Not because I take the choice off you physically. I want to have control over you that you’ve given me willingly, because you’re devoting yourself to me. Not the control I have to pry out of your hands.” He falters a little, and adds, “That isn’t what I want. I never wanted that.”
Kaiser has never actively requested for his hands to be tied up; sure, he’d put up with it without objection if Ness had tied him up, but he never initiated or expressed the desire to be bound. It’s always easier to delude oneself about one’s own desires if being forced during a play, instead of willingly giving into them. Ness isn’t even sure that Kaiser knows what he really needs, but that’s okay — he has time. He’ll take as long as he has to if it will get Kaiser to come to terms with this side of himself.
“You know what else I don’t want?” Ness pins him down into the bed with his gaze, making sure that Kaiser understands his next words, because he’s wanted to say them for as long as he can remember. “For you to use me like I’m just some disposable toy.”
“Me?” Kaiser exclaims, a laugh in his voice. “Oh, that’s— that fucking rich. You are so fucking delusional — I didn’t make you fuck me, I didn’t make you choke me, you did that all by yourself. You’re not some fucking saint, you know, you use me too and you fucking like it—“
“Because you pushed me to treat you that way, Kaiser! You used your words and your insults and your mocking attitude to make me lash out on you! Because you wanted it that way and knew exactly how to manipulate me to your will, not ever caring for even a second about what I wanted!”
Kaiser’s mouth snaps shut, no trace left of the indignation and anger from before. He’s taken aback by Ness’ unexpected outburst, maybe even a little embarrassed at being called out like that. Ness doesn’t stop there, though.
“And I didn’t know better before, because I was so focused trying to do anything to — to make you stay.” His voice wavers, breaking up a little, and he has to stop talking because he absolutely does not want to cry right now, doesn’t want to give something Kaiser can throw back in his face.
It’s the truth — the whole sad, pathetic, miserable truth. He’d been so fucking lonely when Kaiser had left him, so fucking desperate for some sort of connection, any connection at all, he’d flung himself at anyone who gave him even the slightest attention until Kaiser came to him with the proposal if they were to be friends again, (which was less of a proposition and more of a demand) and now he’s so dependent on this thing they have, he’d do anything to keep him around. Or, he would’ve. He’s a little bolder, now, after spending time without Kaiser, navigating life on his own. He still needs him just as much, but he wants Kaiser to realise that he needs Ness, too.
“We’re not doing this anymore.” Ness says, pulling away, both physically and figuratively.
Kaiser‘s mouth drops open, shocked, the colour draining from his face. It’s obvious no one has ever treated him like this before, has ever called him out on his bullshit. “You can’t—” He claws his fingernails into the bedsheets, trying to find something to hold onto, to cling to when he feels so lost and helpless. So out of control. “You want to — stop? For good?”
“No. No, I— I want to change it. No more manipulation. No more trying to push me to do things, like — like being unnecessarily violent or making you bleed. No more hurtful remarks that make me feel like trash. I won’t let myself be used as a puppet by you anymore. If you want to do this, if you want to feel powerless and have me hurt you, we’re going to do it this way — my way — or not at all, got that?”
Kaiser shrinks into himself, squirming and writhing on the bed, struggling with his ego and the sudden loss of control, of power. Ness keeps his eyes on him, silently observing how Kaiser gets more and more apprehensive underneath his gaze, fidgeting nervously. Then, just as Ness begins to fear that he’ll get no response at all, Kaiser mumbles something incoherent into the strands of his tangled blonde hair, head turned away from Ness’ gaze.
“What’s that? Are you going to be good and do what I say? Speak up.”
An involuntary whimper leaves the blonde’s mouth, eyes wide, startled at his own reaction to the words. It only reassures Ness in his decision to push him. “Tell me what you want me to do to you. No bullshit. Show me what you want.” The look in Kaiser’s eyes resemble that of a deer caught in headlights, frozen in the beams, his Adam’s Apple bobbing up and down as he tries desperately to fight it. “I want to hear you say it.” Ness says.
“I-I … I want you to fuck me.” Kaiser manages, his teeth gritted through every word. He’s still fighting himself, but he’s not really fighting Ness anymore, which is some kind of improvement, at least. “Please.” He adds. Ness loves that word. The sheer desperation of it. It’s even prettier coming from Kaiser’s lips, the sound of it so inviting, the look on Kaiser’s face even better. His lashes are wet with tears, brimming in his eyes, fringe sticking to his face with sweat. He groans lowly at seeing Kaiser so meek and pliant, stripped bare of his usual arrogance and cockiness. Sitting back on his heels, he waits, but Kaiser doesn’t move. Usually, Ness would manhandle him against or on to whatever surface they could find, and fuck him the way Kaiser wanted him to, just like that.
“What are you waiting for? I won’t do it for you. Show me that you want it.” He pours the cool liquid onto his fingers, pressing them to Kaiser’s twitching entrance.
Kaiser keens underneath him as he’s filled again, his back arching on reflex to meet Ness’ fingers. He prepares him with slower, efficient motions, because he’s still pretty tight even after one round, but already so pent-up and ready to go again that a touch in the right place might just push him over the edge. Ness doesn’t want him to cum yet. He wants to be inside of him when he does, feel his inner walls clenching and tensing uncontrollably around his cock from how hard he cums, wants to drink in all his blissful sounds as he fucks him through it. He avoids Kaiser’s sweet spot on purpose, and Kaiser begins to buck his hips, trying to meet his fingers and push them into his prostate.
“Stay still and let me prepare you.” Ness grips his waist with his free hand, pinning his hips back into the mattress firmly. “Or you won’t get my cock.”
It’s like magic, how quickly the threat gets Kaiser to stop moving, biting down on his lower lip to hold in any kind of needy noises, but still muttering something about not needing this. It doesn’t matter if he needs it or not — Ness wants to give it to him, and now that he can, he will. His eyes are glazed over with arousal, hands digging into the sheets. Ness can see his knuckles turning white from the way he desperately clutches onto the pillows in search of support, chest heaving with every repressed breath, eyes trailing further down from his torso to the wet tip of his cock, which is an angry red colour, neglected but still so sensitive. One touch could send him tumbling over the edge. He looks completely taken apart and Ness doesn’t dare to look away, not even for a split second, afraid he might wake up and this will all be just a good dream, and he’ll be pulled back into the harsh reality of what they have.
Still, Kaiser is surprisingly obedient, and keeps his hips as still as he can while being fingered open. Ness rewards him with a singular precise jab against his prostate, curling his fingers inside of him, right before he pulls them back out. A wrecked and broken moan is ripped out of Kaiser’s throat, and the sound has Ness’ head spinning as he pours the lube over the length of his cock, stroking it a few times to make sure it’s coated.
Settling back between Kaiser’s thighs — those perfect, thick thighs — he’s immediately pulled closer by Kaiser wrapping his legs around his waist, ankles locking behind him. Ness revels in it, loves how eager and needy Kaiser is for him right now, how openly he’s displaying his desires, stripped of all pride and arrogance, right down to his naked, basic core needs. He grins at the feeling, and even though it makes his pride swell, he brings his hand down on Kaiser’s thigh, making him cry out in a mix of surprise and pain, a red handprint mark left behind on the pale skin. “I said, stay still.”
He gets a choked-up moan in response. Ness can see the little goosebumps crawling over Kaiser’s skin, how his muscles tense up as tries to hold as still for him as possible in his current position, body trembling on its own volition, shuddering at every touch. Waiting, trying to show him that he can, in fact, obey. That he can be good for him. For the first time ever, Kaiser was putting his full trust in his hands and submitting so beautifully to him. Ness isn’t going to take it for granted.
“Sorry—” Kaiser manages to choke out, sounding wrecked and breathless. “I — fuck, I’ll do better.”
“That’s right, good boy.”
Kaiser whines, grinding his hips desperately. Physical pain as punishment, immediately followed up by positive affirmation and praises. Should’ve fucking seen that coming from miles away.
Kaiser looks downright sinful underneath him, a picture right out of a playgirl magazine, and Ness takes the sight in with a greedy smirk. He’s the only one to ever see Kaiser like this. Kaiser’s chest rises and falls quickly with his heartbeat, his nipples hard and sensitive where Ness takes turns rubbing them between his fingertips, his cock glistening wet with precum in Ness’ other hand, mouth falling open in a frustrated groan when Ness slows down. “Don’t— stop—” he manages, in-between sobs and gasps.
“Spread your legs for me.” Ness orders.
“I’m— please—” Kaiser begs weakly, lets his legs fall from Ness’ waist, parting them for him. It’s such a sight — the backs and inside of his thighs covered in fingertip-shaped bruises, his cock curved towards his stomach, full and hard, balls pulled tight. His hole a pretty pink, puffy and swollen from the rougher treatment earlier.
Ness adjusts his position, moving closer so that he can grind on his ass, the tip of his cock slides deliciously against his twitching entrance, slick from the lube. Ness places his hands on Kaiser’s hips to keep him still and control the motion as he guides his cock into him, the ring of muscles stretching to accommodate his girth. Ness is aware that he’s bigger than the average man, but the way Kaiser moans and acts when he’s inside of him drives him insane. He acts like he’s being split apart, whimpering out a string of curses.
A gasp slips past Kaiser’s lips, his face contorting into a grimace as Ness gives his neglected cock a few slow, languid strokes to distract him and relishes in the sounds it elicits from Kaiser. The other relaxes further under him, and once Ness is finally buried inside him to the hilt, Kaiser’s already panting like he’s ran a marathon. Ness leans over him again and slots their lips together, starting with slow and teasing thrusts in time to the kiss.
“Fuck, Michael, so good, taking my cock so well.” He uses his first name on purpose, an experiment, and Kaiser reacts to it with a full body shudder and a whine, clenching tight around Ness. Ness bites his bottom lip hard, trying to hold back from finishing so soon. Knowing they both won’t last very long like this, he ups the pace, thrusting deeper into Kaiser. Hands claw at his shoulders, fingernails dare to break skin with how hard Kaiser tries to hold onto him, to urge him even deeper inside. Ness takes his wrists and pins them down above his head again, bringing their faces and bodies impossibly close; so close that he swears he can hear Kaiser’s heart pounding hard and fast against his ribcage, right next to his own.
Each and every hard thrust is welcomed by Kaiser with a breathless gasp, followed by a high-pitched, drawn out whine when he hits his prostate, his balls slapping against Kaiser’s ass with every snap of his hips. Against his stomach, Kaiser’s cock is leaking a shiny beads of precum onto his abdomen, twitching in need. A part of Ness wants to see him cum untouched, but a bigger, more important part wants them to finish together, at the same time. “You close? Wanna cum with my cock buried deep inside you?”
Kaiser nods, quick and hard. Ness kisses and licks at the sensitive spot behind his ear, one hand casually on the junction between throat and collar bone, lingering. “Wanna hear you say it,” Ness murmurs, slowing his thrusts down enough for Kaiser to regain his senses.
“Yeah—” Kaiser breathes out, his voice hoarse and raw. “Yeah, I— I wanna—”
“Keep going.” He loves hearing Kaiser beg, tightening his grip around his throat, pressing down now, and it breaks whatever last bit of crumbling resolve Kaiser might have been clinging onto.
“Please, I need— make me come, fuck — wanna come for you, please,” he gasps out, voice drenched in need and distress, so fucking desperate. He looks completely out of it, swimming in blissful euphoria and it’s a sight that ingrains itself into Ness’ brain and will follow him till his last day of his pathetic life. “Lex, please, I— fuck, please, Alexis—”
Ness groans, aiming his next thrust directly at his sweet spot and Kaiser throws his head back into the pile of pillows, arching his back up off the bed, meeting his thrusts with his own movements, the both of them desperately chasing their own highs. He angles his hips just right, pistons in and out of him. The kiss is hard, bruising and bursting with all of the pent-up emotions they’ve been holding onto for years, their bodies sweaty and heated and melting into one another. Ness raises a hand, crushing his throat just a tiny bit firmer than he had before, driving his cock into him, and something in Kaiser breaks further. Maybe even a little of that stubborn piece falls away.
Kaiser comes hard, with his eyes squeezed shut and a loud moan slipping out of his mouth, a shudder wracking through his body from his spine to his toes. His whole body is a trembling, shaky mess and Ness gasps when he feels him tighten around his cock, the sensation so good that it only takes a few more thrusts for him to reach his climax, too, spilling inside of him with long and heavy breaths.
Their chests heave rapidly as they struggle for breath, bodies still intertwined and leaning onto each other. Even when he comes down a bit from his high, his own heart is still fluttering up to his throat, still can’t quite think clearly, mind fuzzy around the edges. Ness loves him. In this moment, he absolutely and wholeheartedly loves him. He would do absolutely anything for him.
And then he thinks, what if Kaiser regrets this? What if Ness pushed too far? What if Kaiser never wants to do anything at all with him again and abandons him, and it’s all Ness fault? Because he tried to help, but he never seems to be able to help quite right and—
The onslaught of thoughts terrify him more than any ever have before, so he untangles himself from Kaiser, their bodies sticking together with sweat and sex, ignoring the confused noise he gets in return. He’s careful when he pulls out of Kaiser’s tight heat, making sure there’s no blood, feeling the other shiver and groan at the loss. His whole body feels sticky, dirty, like it’s covered in a sheen of sweat, sex, lust. Ness wipes the sweat off his brow, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, only to be stopped by a low whimper behind him.
“Please don’t—” Kaiser pleads, his voice breaking, “Don’t leave.” It sounds more like a question, a plea. Turning back around, he sees Kaiser, watching him, tears beginning to well up in those pretty eyes, a new kind of fear washing over his features, mixed with desperation.
“I’m not, I promise.” Ness tells him, leaning over and placing a chaste kiss on his lips. “Just need to grab a few things, okay? I’ll be right back.” He untangles himself from Kaiser’s body, hurrying into the bathroom, finding a clean towel and filling the sink.
He’s still thinking that maybe this was a horrible idea. What if he’d been wrong, about the things he said? What if pushing Kaiser further only made things worse, opened up more repressed memories in his mind? Things like that are repressed for a reason, right? He almost sends himself into a spiral, but snaps out of it when he hears the first small sob coming from the bedroom.
When he comes back with a damp washcloth and a box of tissues, Kaiser is curled up on his side in a fetal position, back turned to him and hugging himself. A small, sadistic part of him enjoys the sight, knowing that Ness will be the one to piece him back together, but another part of him just feels — sad. A little guilty. For himself, for the both of them.
“Hey, Kai— Michael,” He keeps his tone soft, doesn’t want to startle him, doesn’t know what kind of headspace Kaiser is in right now. “I’m here. It’s me. I’m not going anywhere.” He puts a hand on his shoulder tentatively. “Can you turn around? I gotta clean you up.”
Kaiser slowly rolls over, his eyes rimmed red, cheeks wet with tear streaks. Fuck, he’s crying. Ness can count on one hand all the times he’s seen Kaiser cry in the six years he’s known him for. It’s always been an indisputable fact to him: Kaiser doesn’t cry. He used to admire that, used to want to be like that. Ness catches a tear with his thumb, caressing his cheekbone. His stomach twists at the sight, because Kaiser is pretty when he cries, goddamn it, and Ness guiltily likes the sight, likes knowing he was the one who made it happen. He likes the idea of Kaiser crying from pleasure.
As best as he can — and as best as Kaiser will allow him in his current state — he cleans up both of them, trying to be gentle when he begins cleaning Kaiser out. Throwing the used tissues and dirtied towel into the corner of the room carelessly, he doesn’t bother with getting either of them dressed, feeling too worn out and exhausted to do anything but lie down. There’s a pained look on Kaiser’s face, looking like he wants to say something, but doesn’t know where to begin. Ness pulls a soft, plush blanket over the both of them, lying down next to him. He still feels breathless from it all, a little overwhelmed. Kaiser presses his body into Ness’ side, leaning against him like someone would only do with their significant other. Like someone they trusted.
It sends his mind into another emotional spiral that he’s not prepared for, and as Kaiser’s breathing slowly evens out and he falls asleep on Ness’ shoulder, a star falls, and Ness makes a silent wish.