Work Text:
Burdock and Asterid keep visiting me after everyone else lets themselves be pushed away. Even after Blair understands the situation and I’m sure explains it to Burdock. But those two keep coming. Sometimes it’s just my best friend, sometimes he’s with his girlfriend. They even bring me Sleep syrup. I beg them to leave me alone but they don't listen. A part of me knows that Snow must be enjoying this show and my pain and I hope that it’s enough of a punishment in his eyes that he won’t use them against me.
Finally I’m becoming more paranoid and too scared and I start throwing rocks at them. And one time I hit Asterid in the forehead and the blood that is streaming down her face will haunt me forever. I regret hurting her more than anything, even more than the things I did during the Games. But at least they finally understand and accept that they shouldn’t visit me.
Some time later when I wander through the woods yelling out, “Lenore Dove!”, all of the sudden out of the fog appears Burdock. For a fleeting moment I’m scared that it’s just a hallucination but as many people as I keep seeing he’s never one of them, probably because he’s still alive. I can see that he’s been haunting and a part of me thinks that he’s here to get mad at me for scaring off his prey. I know he’s never forgiven me for hurting Asterid. I'm shocked when he says, “if you want to find her, follow me.” I know he’s not doing it as a favor to me but rather because he understands what it’s like to love. And I guess he might just pity me after all the days I spend hollering my dead girlfriend’s name in the forest.
It’s a long journey but finally we reach a grove that I doubt I would ever look twice at. The cemetery is impossible to find without knowing about it and I’m wholeheartedly thankful for his mercy because I could have wandered through the woods for years and never be able to find it. Before I can thank him though he leaves.
Once the Victory Tour is done, I go back to drinking and wasting my time. I drink more than I should and I know that. When I have moments of clarity I either go get more alcohol from Bascom Pie or to Lenore Dove’s grave. I visit the cemetery quite often, usually with a bottle or two and stay there for a few days.
My biggest surprise is when I go to the cemetery a day before Lenore Dove’s birthday. I would have gone on the exact day but I feel too ashamed to face Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber who will most likely come here. As always my plan fails. I’m not really as drunk on alcohol as I am on pain, grief and memories but I still fall asleep next to the love of my life.
I don’t know how many hours pass but when I wake up the sun is already high up. I kind of regret missing the sunrise but then again it’s a good reminder that they aren’t guaranteed. I can’t make myself get up. I’m freezing, I’ve been dreaming about Lenore Dove’s last alive moments again and I feel as if when I stand up and walk away from her grave, I will taint her memory. Which is probably right because I know I will just get incredibly drunk.
To my surprise the person who finds me, or at least the one that approaches me, as I’m pretty sure some time ago I heard Lenore Dove’s uncles’ voices, is Burdock. I pretend to be asleep. I can’t face him.
But to my surprise and incomprehension Burdock still cares. I hear his sigh, sort of disappointed, sort of understanding. Then I feel something being put on me. I still keep my eyes shut. But once he walks away I realize that he covered me with his jacket. It’s really touching as it’s December and it’s so damn cold and he just gave me probably his thickest jacket. I feel my cheeks burning and as I touch them with a shaky hand I realize that they’re wet.
I didn’t cry for all the losses I had. I didn’t weep when I realized I would be alone forever. Sometimes I would wake up with wet cheeks after my dreams. But whenever I felt like sobbing, I would just drink to numb the feelings. But now I realize that Burdock still cares. And it shatters my heart. I knew that he would always be haunted by my presence but I also thought that with time he would become indifferent to me. But he left jacket. He’s not rich, probably doesn’t have any other warm jacket but he left it. And now I feel bad.
At first I think about going to his house and leaving it before the front door but I’m too recognizable. Besides, Snow must have cameras there as well. And giving me the jacket most likely means death for Burdock. So I leave it at the cemetery.
When I go there a few days later, the jacket isn’t there. But that’s how it starts. I still visit the grave but now I sometimes notice Burdock there. He doesn’t come over nor do we acknowledge each other. In fact I always pretend to be asleep. But either Burdock is drawn to the cemetery now or he has always been checking on me and I was too passed out to realize.
One day a few months later, I finally decide that it’s enough. I sit up when I see him. I don’t know if he knew all along that I was pretending but he isn’t too shocked nor he retreats. We stare at each other for a few moments until Burdock decides to come closer.
I say because I know I have to, “it’s dangerous to be seen with me.”
He nods but still approaches and sits down in front of me. “If you’re scared of anyone realizing I meet with you, this place is the best. Only Covey knows about it,” he reminds me.
I know he’s right and I know that he sneaks into the woods often enough so no one should suspect that it’s to meet with me there but I still insist, “if anyone-”
He interrupts me, “after you hurt Asterid I was angry and I thought I could finally give in to your pleadings… But it turns out I can’t.”
I look down when he mentions the rock and his girlfriend’s forehead incident. “I’m sorry,” I say even to my surprise.
“For Asterid or that I still care?”
I shrug, “both, but mostly Asterid.”
There is silence and neither one of us wants to break it. I know that it might be a one time meeting and it’s nice to sit with someone, even in silence, it’s comforting. Then I realize that it might be the only occasion I have to express gratitude and for once I’m not selfish and I say, “thank you for everything. For caring about me after I came back, for not giving up on me, for the j-jacket,” my voice breaks slightly. “Just thank you for everything.” He’s sort of like that Raven from Lenore Dove’s namesake poem, the one that stays even when I ask him to leave. But it’s not entirely unwelcome.
He nods solemnly. Then a smile appears on his face, “I mean it. No one knows about this place. We can talk here.”
I raise my eyebrows and sarcastically ask, “you want to meet with someone who hurt your girlfriend?”
He shoots his head. And for a moment my heart breaks even though I knew that it would happen. But then he says, “I want to meet with my best friend. I can’t understand everything that you do but I get why you did that.” He motions at the grave between us, “I don’t want to end like this. But maybe there’s a chance to avoid that.”
I smile sourly and shake my head, “there’s not.”
“But no one knows about this place,” Burdock insists. “And I go into the woods a few times a week anyway so there’s no reason to suspect that I suddenly started to meet with you.”
My breath hitches. So he’s suggesting meetings? As in plural? Then I calm myself as he might have meant all those that already happened.
“We could still pretend in the district,” he continues, “and no one would know.”
But I remember Ampert. The bones that were the only things left of him. Beetee didn’t know Snow realized the truth until it was too late. I close my eyes but open them as fast as I can because I can’t bear thinking about it. I can’t let my brain supply me with almost the same image but with Burdock’s death instead.
It must show on my face because Burdock asks, “what is it?”
I shake my head partly for him, partly to get rid of the ivory bones that I see even with my eyes wide opened. “We wouldn’t know he knows until it was too late.”
“What would the punishment be for you?”
I look at him intently but answer after a moment, “your horrifying death or something even worse.”
Burdock nods, then thinks about it. “I might die any moment in the mine. Accidents happen there all the time. But seeing you like this, it’s a torture while I’m supposedly happily alive.”
I look at him with surprise. I didn’t realize that it would affect him as much. I remember Blair crying when he was leaving me but I assumed they would just move on with their lives and start to forget me. I didn't expect for them to still hurt. I wanted to spare them that. So I say truthfully, “I’m sorry. I didn't realize.”
Burdock’s face grows grim, “how could you when you’re constantly drinking until you’re passed out?”
I get a bit sheepish but say nothing as I know he’s right. I fight with myself but finally come to the realization that if he really intends to keep meeting with me, I have to warn him. So in a hushed voice I tell him everything. I thought I could never talk about it but now I think I want to say it at least once, I want to let someone know. So I tell him everything, I spare no detail. I don’t care if he believes me, looks down on me, gets scared of me or hates me afterwards. I want him to know. I need someone to know that I’m not that… That I’m not that pathetic, obedient loser that Captiol makes me out to be. I need him to understand what he wants to get intertwined with and what are possible consequences of that.
I can see that he’s trying to keep his face neutral but he loses quickly. Soon enough his face gets permanently stuck with a horrified expression, occasionally letting sadness take over. I know it’s a lot to take in but I know he’s strong and I also know that if he wanted to, he would either just stand up and leave or tell me to stop. I’m thankful to him for listening.
And when I’m done we stay silent for a while. I can see that he’s trying to digest through it all and come up with something to say.
Finally he speaks up, “I don’t know if I should say it but I’m glad you’re alive. Even if it’s in such a reality. And I’m really sorry for everything that happened.”
“I promised Lenore Dove that I would stay alive.” I think he understands that I mean now, after it all happened when it would have been so much easier to just finish what that vase of milk was supposed to do.
Then he says, “they would have been proud of you, you know? I am proud of you. You didn’t give in, you fought-”
“And we all paid for it,” I chime in.
“But they all would have wanted you to try fighting it, to try to cause as much damages as you could. And you did.”
I smile wanly for the first time in months, “maybe.” He’s just offered me a bit of consolation and validation. I know I failed but maybe it matters that I tried. “They offered me to keep fighting,” I say even quieter than before. “And I think I will. That’s why I can’t be your friend. It was a bad idea before but if I keep rebelling, it will get worse. And since I don’t- since they’re- he can’t- I- He might come after you, even just because we used to be friends,” I finally manage to warn him.
Burdock nods. “But I can’t leave you. I tried. I know Blair struggles with that as well-”
“No!” I protest. It’s bad enough that we’re entertaining the idea that Burdock might still be friendly with me, I don’t need Blair on my conscience as well.
“President will never know about this cemetery,” he says with conviction. Even in the state I was in I connected the dots of Lucy Gray being the Victor of the 10th Hunger Games and that Snow somehow knew her and quite well at that.
“It’s a huge risk. And not just for you, for everyone you love.” I remind him, “Asterid getting hit in the head with a rock is nothing compared to what Snow will do.”
“Then we will be careful,” Burdock just says. I know how stubborn he is. I know that the only way to stop it from happening would be to stop coming to the grave or only visit it when I’m sure he won’t be able to come. But I also know him and fear that he might come to my house then and that scares me even more.
And so we meet, not every Sunday but often. We make sure that Burdock keeps up his current routine. We make it seem like I just go to the woods to drink like I used to and he hunts and gathers like he's always done. I never know when Burdock decides to come to me so often when I walk into the woods on Sunday I go sober, well at least less drunk. If I go on Saturday I’m usually inebriated but stop drinking in the forest so that when he comes, I’m more normal. Sometimes he visits me late evenings or at night during the work day but as I’m usually drunk, we don’t really interact then.
Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just sit in silence but it’s the most human contact I have and it's so comforting. I enjoy it a lot. Sometimes we reminisce, sometimes have meaningless conversations, sometimes in hushed voices we plan how we will bring down Snow and the Hunger Games.
But as my seventeenth birthday approaches I know that it’s all theoretical and I won’t stop the sunrise on the reaping day at least not that year.
When I come back a few weeks later, I can’t bring myself to stay sober enough for our meetings. It takes a few more weeks until we can finally talk. I don’t tell him about my time in the Capitol. But I do mention that Snow never even hinted at our meetings so either we’re safe or he plans something incredibly cruel. He says nothing to that. And instead informs me that Asterid’s parents finally accepted that he is her boyfriend. I’m happy for him.
A few months later Burdock comes with another person. I feared that for a while but there’s not much I can do now that they’re here. I tell Blair what I told Burdock but he’s also stubborn and doesn’t listen.
So now once every Sunday Burdock either comes alone or with Blair. I crave those days. I try to keep acting the way I used to but I don’t get as drunk on Sundays and I’m scared that someone will notice. Before I go back to society I always make sure to be drunk though and I think I’m playing my role well. My friends certainly ace their parts. When we stumble across each other in the District, they keep shooting me those pitiful, wistful looks and I’m sure that if anyone is looking they will fall for the act. I certainly do. Sometimes I even wonder if those glances aren’t real. I know they hate that for weeks I’m all alone. I once told them that I’m not, that I’m constantly haunted by memories of all the people that died but I think that made them worry even more.
Those occasional Sundays at the cemetery are what I live for. That and my promise to Lenore Dove. But those meetings bring me happiness and comfort and I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m not entirely unlucky. Because what are the chances of finding such amazing friends? Wyatt would be able to precisely tell me but I don’t need his analysis to know that they are low. Because I have friends who never give up on me, who still love me after everything that has happened, who willingly risk so much just to provide me with friendship and love. I don’t think I will ever be able to make them truly understand how much they mean to me. I now thank them each time and tell them I love them. At first they were freaked out by that and were scared that it means I plan to do something but I made them realize that I won’t break my promise to Lenore Dove. I don’t know what will happen if one day once I’m still alive there won’t be the Hunger Games anymore, but as long as they are happening, I don’t plan on leaving.
Each of my birthdays and a few weeks after that are terrible but I always take comfort in knowing that we will meet again in the forest. It’s making me worry slightly for the time when I won’t have that but I’m trying to focus on the current time when I do have them. I know I’m still falling apart but Burdock and Blair are what’s keeping me alive. I don’t know where I would be after all those years had I not had them and our secret meetings. I may have lost a lot of people but at least I still have my best friends. And I will be forever grateful for that.