Chapter Text
“Katniss Everdeen!” Effie Trinket called out from the stage.
I don’t say anything.
I catch a glimpse of her face as she's dragged up to the stage.
“I volunteer as tribute!” I scream it, it feels awful, unmooring, I heard her name and didn’t say anything, I saw her face twelve, and so young, -so, so scared- and I screamed. Katniss Everdeen wasn’t supposed to be selected in her first reaping, she was going to be a symbol, she was going to make it different.
There is a stunned silence and then I’m brought up to the front. I don’t cry. I hum and smile twisting my old dress around as I sway a little to the tune. I can’t cry, they don’t get to see that. No one says anything, no one does anything -at least the applause is quite-, I’m just a tribute; A volunteer of district twelve but I didn’t do it for family. To everyone else this must look like suicide.
No one sees me off, my family is dead, and friends are hard to make.
________________________
Haymich stares at me, he has a question he’s just burning to ask.
“So, why’d you volunteer?” He’s drunk, very drunk, I don’t think he could’ve asked the question without enough alcohol to drown a better man.
“She was twelve.”
Haymich gave me a strange look. “You’re thirteen.”
“A year can be a long time.” That’s what I say, I don’t speak of the memories of a happier life in a happier world where everything around me is just a story. Of the years I spent living outside of the miserable thirteen here.
Haymich leaves me alone after that focuses on my district partner instead of me, I wish it didn’t hurt. I look at them and I wonder if Haymich thinks my partner has a chance.
The train continues towards the capital. Death was getting closer. It was too late to run.
________________________
“So,” Caesar says, “I’m dying to know, and I’m sure everyone else is too, why did you volunteer? Fame? Glory? A chance at a better life?”
“She was twelve.” I say, it’s a simple answer and I think the stunned silence I get in return says more about this world than anything else I’ve seen up till now.
“And you’re thirteen.” Caesar says, he sounds a little worried, the crowd isn’t as interested anymore, I’m not being fun. “What are we doing now just saying ages?”
“I suppose we are.” I respond coyly, because there’s sweat sticking to my back and I’m nervous and I kind of don’t want to die, I feel so so stupid. All I had to do was let someone else die in my place, I let it happen last year.
“Ahh, I suppose I’ll ask my next, pressing question then.” Caesar says with a laugh. “What was that tune you were humming at the reaping?”
“Oh, um it’s called the hanging tree.” I don’t know if my embarrassment is real or not.
“Well why don’t you sing it for us?” Caesar says, it’s ringing in my head.
“Are you sure, it’s not a pleasant song?” I respond, although I can feel a grin poking its way onto my face.
“Oh yes, sing little bird.” Caesar laughs and I wonder if he knows who wrote it, if he knows who he will anger with this song, if he knows it was banned, I wonder.
I sing and I feel a little bit freer, even if it makes me feel a little less human.
_________________
We're dressed as miners, me and the other boy from district twelve. He didn't get a shirt just a dusting of coal and dark beige pants. I got more coal and a set of overalls, no shirt or bra nothing but slightly loose overalls to protect my modesty. We both get a pickaxe and helmets with lights for accessories.
I don’t smile and I don’t look at the ribs of my district partner. (I pray it’ll be better after the mockingjay. (I pray I haven’t messed it up.(I’m pretty sure my life doesn’t matter.)))
_________________
“You’re thirteen years old.” Caesar says it doesn’t sound like a question.
“Yes?” My response is definitely a question
“What do you hope for? after the games I mean.” Caesar speaks the question like it’s easy, like there aren’t twenty four other tributes who want to go home.
“A nice funeral.” I see the look in Caesar’s eyes, but continue anyway. “You’re invited, by the way. Not the camera just you, I’d appreciate a flower I suppose, I do have a favourite but you’ll have to guess because I’m not telling.” I stop only because Caesar is waving his hand in my face like he’s trying to cover my mouth without touching me.
“I meant,” He coughs and looks worriedly around the room. “What do you hope for if you win?” He’s smiling again it looks fake.
“A nice bed.” I say my smile feels more real. I pause debating, I speak anyway. “You’re not invited to that just so you know.”
Caesar laughs and so does the audience but, the mood is brief.
________________
I see Johanna Mason, she’s fourteen and small for her age, I wonder briefly if it’s starvation, or genetics. I see Johanna Mason, she looks on the brink of tears and it seems so fake, so I laugh way too loud in her face. She looks a lot like she wants to punch me.
She doesn’t.
I focus on identifying plants for my training, I think the location of the arena will be the woods, that’s where all the plants are from.
I throw knives to demonstrate my skill, the knives were better than I was used to, it was difficult to adjust.
I used knives to hunt, I would hide in trees for hours and drop on turkeys and deer, I didn’t catch things often. I threw knives at birds and squirrels, I was passable at best.
I scored a seven. I wonder if I should’ve aimed lower.
___________________
Caesar asks me about my score.
“I’m good with knives” I say.
He wants me to talk about it more. I laugh. He laughs too. And now we’re talking about my family.
“Papa was a miner.” I say. “Every man is, mama worked for a seamstress.”
Caesar picks up on the tense and doesn’t ask, it’s the kindest thing he’s done for me, and I wonder why he did it.
“Katniss Everdeen?” Caesar says it like a question.
“Yes?” I question back because I’m nothing if I don’t stall.
“Did you know her?” Caesar says it so seriously too, he’s good at that changing tone.
I laugh in his face, I’m doing that a lot.
“I think we met once, I told her I was sorry for her loss, she looked like she wanted to punch me in the face.” I shrug my shoulders, it’s the truth.
“And that made an impression on you?” He asks he sounds interested.
“Not really, a lot of people look like they want to punch me in the face.” I say and Caesar laughs, I think I would’ve liked to meet him outside of the current circumstances.
__________________
I rise out on the platform, I don’t have a trinket. I want to cry, but I smile instead. I sing softly, ‘Pure as the driven snow’, the words flow smoothly as though they weren’t a poison I was using to dam myself.
When the countdown ends, I step calmly off my platform and walk in the opposite direction of the cornucopia I grab three of the survival packs sitting on the edge of the forest that surrounds the clearing with the cornucopia, and then I walk into the woods.
After ten minutes I set the packs down, and look around for the hidden cameras I know are there, I need to make everything a show.
__________________
“So.” I say to pick up the conversation now after everyone was silent. “Caesar, buddy dying to know, favourite tribute.” I continue when I notice he’s about to answer. “Not to win just who you enjoyed talking to most.”
“Oh I couldn’t possibly.” He speaks with a false sense of modesty.
“But you do have a favourite.” It’s a statement not a question
“That’s not what I said” Caesar Flickerman says.
I smile it’s more of a smirk. “But it’s not not what you said.”
_________________
I spot a camera in the eye of a tree and I move the three bags closer. I take a deep breath before starting.
“Hey Chums.” Why did I call them chums? “Today we’re going to be going through three 71st hunger games distributed survival packs.”
“I hope all you folks outside the arena are as excited about this as me!” I spoke with as much excitement as possible given the situation. And yes I was trying to make the hunger games seem like a YouTube video, shut up voices in my head it’s a good idea… no it really isn’t.
Why did I call them “Chums”?
________________
“You have anyone you’re gonna watch out for?” Caesar asks. “You’re our last contestant out and you’ve seen all the others so… who do you think is going to win?” Caesar speaks like his words aren’t a cold knife through my chest, they’re all so young and I’m young too (but not really, but no one should be old enough for this cruelty).
“Oh, I don’t know.” I say even though, I know who’s going to win, even though I’m pretty sure it’s inevitable. “I couldn’t say, they all look like such great competition, you know?” I send Caesar a sly grin, I hope he notices, I hope he probes, It’ll be funny.
“Nonsense!” Caesar crows. “You have an opinion, you can tell me, I’ll keep it between you, me and the audience. No one’ll know!”
“Johanna Mason. That’s who I think will win.”
There’s a stunned silence, I’m surprised the audience didn’t laugh.
_________________
“And here we have a wild tribute.” I mutter to the camera and hopefully microphone next to me with my best British accent. “As you’ll notice the tribute is not checking above them in the trees, this means they are likely not from a career district or district 7” I could admit in the sanctity of my mind that my David Attenborough impression was terrible, but it might lead to better survival chances, maybe, if you squint.
“If you care to notice the dark hair and signs of long term starvation you might be able to identify his district…” I continued stalking my district partner.
I follow behind him continuing my dull relaxing spiel.
“And here you’ll notice a distinct lack of survival skills as he attempts to take poisonous berries for later consumption.” I snap a branch off the tree I’m hiding next to, and the boy -whose name I refuse to know- freezes, he turns quickly this way and that before dropping the berries and moving away quicker. “Showing a distinct lack of situational awareness he ignores the person stalking him and moves away from the berry bush without his prize.” I refused to show any relief.
_________________
I walk out onto the stage and Caesar is there waiting for me. I take his hand and am guided into my seat opposite him.
“So,” he starts. “The infamous district twelve volunteer.”
“Is that what people are calling me?” I interrupt.
“You don’t like it?” Caesar adapts instantly.
“I don’t love it.” I say. It feels like an insult I don’t say.
“You have anything you’d prefer to be called?” Caesar asks, he sounds intrigued but I can’t really trust that.
“Idiot.” I say
“What?” He sounds caught off guard.
“It’s more honest.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t why he said ‘what’.
“Not fond of your chances?” Caesar queries.
“I like to think I’m self aware.” I shoot a smile at him.
_________________
I stop trailing my district partner, not only because it’s creepy but also because I need to lure the career tributes away from him.
It’s simple laying false trails in a forest, I’ve never done it before but all it takes is deliberately breaking things and moving in a path.
It’s even easier throwing stones at the career tributes, even though it feels petty and misplaced, when they finally notice I run and climb a tree. I feel hollow.
For the first time I wonder if I have the heart to win.
_________________
Hamish meets me before I go into the waiting room for my Flickerman interview.
“Hey.” He burps, he looks so awkward, even when he’s drunk.
“Sup.” I say raising an eyebrow even though I’m ninety percent sure he’s too drunk to see it, or recognise what the facial cue means.
“You didn’t meet me…” he burps again. “For interview prep.” He slurs the words it’s hard to make them out.
“You didn’t want to see me.” I point out. And then sigh, it’s not his fault I remind myself. “Look after the geese.” I finish, it’s a non-sequitur at least from his point of view.
“what…?” He says as I brush past him, ending the conversation.
_________________
I sit down at my makeshift table and make shift plates upon which sits the two birds I killed cooked on the fire that is a couple meters to my left. I sit and wait for Johanna Mason, I don’t know how I made it this far. Last two tributes
It takes a while but she walks out of the woods covered in blood, I beckon her over. Her stance is a mess she looks ready to swing her axe but also ready to jump out of the way at the same time, it takes her forever to make her way over to the table I’m sitting at.
“Sit.” I tell her.
She doesn’t.
“Is this your big plan?” She asks. “Poison me?”
“It’s not poisoned.” I don’t judge her question it’s fair given the situation. I cut a small slice of the bird with a throwing knife and spear it a needle, there was no cutlery in the cornucopia. I take a bite, swallowing the piece of bird, it’s stringy and not very good. I pick up the makeshift plate balancing the fake cutlery and I switch the plates around.
“Sit.” I tell her once again.
She does.
“Careful of the bones” I say before she takes a bite of the bird.
She glares at me. “I’m not an idiot.” She says.
___________________
“You got a strategy for the games?” Haymitch asks. “Other than die I mean”
“Yeah, I got an idea.” I respond disinterestedly, trying to match his energy.
“Care to share with the rest of us.” Haymitch still refuses to sound interested.
“What’s my district partner planning?” I question curious despite myself.
“He’s trying to win.” There’s bitterness in his voice, I don’t comment.
I snort, “I wish him luck.”
Haymitch gives me another strange look. “Not aiming to win?” He questions.
“I wanna live.” I slur the words together, a strange accent takes my words.
Haymitch lifts an eyebrow. “You chose a piss poor way of going about it.” The comment is scathing.
“I know.” It’s the only thing I can say.
____________________
“You got any family?” I ask Johanna, ending the pleasant small talk of dinner (Who am I kidding it was tense and silent).
She doesn’t respond.
“Snows going to ask things of you, things you might not want to do, he’s going to threaten you.” I say to her because she deserves to know.
“What?” Johanna says
“My advice is to be unappealing but dramatic and fascinating.” I power through her confusion. “Snow follows through.”
“I don’t understand.” Johanna sounds more lost.
“You’re going to be a Victor.” I say, continuing, I’m not going to explain. “But you should know you didn’t win, you lived.”
Johanna starts reaching for her axe.
“Headstart?” I plead, trying not to sound too desperate. She pauses it’s an acknowledgment.
I say the words and they’re cruel and I kind of hate myself. “The capital always wins.”
____________________
“So…” Caesar says. “Katniss Everdeen. People have known that name longer than this year, people have known your name since the seventy first hunger games.”
Katniss hums looking at Cinna pretending the mood change isn’t throwing her off, be honest she reminds herself as her stomach twists a little.
“Ixia.” Caesar speaks the name no one has said to me since I was twelve. “Ixia Appleby, you remember her?” He pauses and he knows I’m not going to answer. “Of course you do how could you forget.” Caesar turns to the audience, holds his hand like he’s confiding in them “We certainly couldn’t!” He yells even though it seemed like he was going to whisper.
Katniss waits for the question her back is tense, it’s hard to see Caesar as a friend.
“Do you know why she volunteered for you?” Caesar asks, and Katniss knew it was coming but she tries so hard to look at Cinna and pretend that’s who she was speaking to.
“No.” Katniss says, because she doesn’t know it, never made any sense.
____________________
I run, I’m not faster than Johanna. The bird sits uncomfortably in my stomach. lurching and pushing at my stomach my chest feels uncomfortable.
I keep running. My legs feel like dead weight even as I keep trying to push out more speed in a desperate attempt to at least make the tree line. To desperately keep going.
She catches me in a stumbling swing with her axe, I fall down onto the ground hard. I turn onto my back, knife in hand ready to desperately defend against the axe.
“The games.” I breathe, just for an extra moment.
Johanna looks confused “What?”
“Just finishing my sentence.” I say and decide I should share my last piece of advice. “In seventy five, try and keep the blonde too.”
“What?!” She seems angry now, she brandishes the axe like it’s a threat and not an inevitability.
“I’m team Everlark.” I shrug and Johanna gives up on me making sense I see it in her eyes. I feel like laughing but that’s inappropriate.
She swings the axe for my neck and my hand goes numb the knife impossible to lift. It’s like giving up. I try to keep my eyes open and my mouth in a smile as the blood pours out and I die, it takes longer than I want.
I don’t know if it’s pity or anger that has Johanna take a second swing. either way I try to gurgle out a “Thanks.”
I don’t think she heard.
I don’t know if I want her to have.
I didn’t want to die.
I wish…
I wish things were better.
I hope they get better.
I…