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Lawrence’s bedroom is dark, bathed in cool-toned shadows that he, rather embarrassingly, found daunting for a long time after the previous winter. That was, until he was sharing that same room, in the same bed that used to be too big, now the perfect size for two.
Adam is curled up in Lawrence’s arms, safe and sound and looking the part. His hair curls gracefully over his eyes, giving him an elegance he hardly had while conscious. Lawrence loved him for his chaos, loved him for his effortless unruliness that captivated him so- but this feeling, the feeling of having Adam in his arms, looking so peaceful and beautiful , was unparalleled. Even in the dark, he was gorgeous, each shadow that painted his face making him look more and more like a renaissance artwork.
Trust was placed into Lawrence’s hands every day. Someone’s stomach, someone’s liver that they had destroyed with bottle after bottle of shitty beer. They trusted him with their lives, trusted him to cut into them and sew them right back up and keep them alive . But not even that responsibility, the trust bestowed in him when he held a human heart, compared to the trust Adam gave him to hold his. Lawrence had never felt anything like it. There was nothing that came close to the thrill of Adam trusting him, choosing him.
He sighs happily, the adrenaline of the evening returning to him as he looks over Adam fondly. Unable to help it, he leans over and presses a kiss to Adam’s cheek, slack with sleep.
His hand has been idly rubbing Adam’s side gently, and he allows it to run under his sleep shirt occasionally. They were quite physically affectionate as it was- and Adam just looked so peaceful. Lawrence wanted to believe he could see his boyfriend relax further with the soft movements of his hand, but that may be wishful thinking.
He felt like a kid in a candy store. Adam often had that effect on him- making him feel young. And now, he made him feel spoiled, lucky, blessed, that this beautiful man was now in his bed, in his arms, breathing steadily. Every inch of him laid bare, there for Lawrence to touch and admire, cradle and hold. This gorgeous endorphin of a boy trusted Lawrence enough to fall asleep next to him and be comfortable with the knowledge that Lawrence could have him like that.
Lawrence smiles like the lovesick fool he is and carries on listening to Adam’s soft breathing, more comfortable and happy than he’s felt in a long time. He gets so lost in Adam, utterly taken by the peace of it all, that he doesn’t notice as Adam’s breathing steadily grows heavier and quicker.
Suddenly, Adam lets out a soft noise, and it’s immediately too high-pitched to be content as it should be. That snaps Lawrence out of his reverie- he’s seen Adam at his very worst, screaming and crying in the way no human ever should. He knows Adam, he knows Adam’s sounds, and now, Adam sounds pained , and he sounds sad .
Lawrence has had his fair share of hurting the people he loves. The moment he realized he was in love with Adam, months ago, over breakfast, he swore to himself he wouldn’t do it this time. He couldn’t do it again.
He feels a guilt immediately spark in his stomach. Adam was asleep- Lawrence shouldn’t be touching his body without his conscious consent. And here was proof of it. This was so new, so pure- Lawrence didn’t have any space to ruin it before it even began.
So he tries to give Adam his space, scooting backwards and stopping his movements, his heart clenching absolutely pathetically at the illusion of losing Adam, of even no longer having his warm body flush against Lawrence’s own. Of course, he’d do absolutely anything for Adam’s comfort, even if his traitorous heart momentarily disagrees. His hand lingers for only a moment before relenting its contact with Adam’s middle. But that only appears to make it worse- Аdam whimpers louder the second Lawrence’s hand leaves him, a full-body flinch accompanying it this time.
Lawrence’s heart wrenches painfully in his chest, the need to do something, anything, to make this stop impossible to shake.
His heart is thinking for him before his brain gets the chance to, and he gathers Adam right back into his embrace. He hears Adam’s breath catch, once, before beginning to sound more steady.
Emboldened and encouraged by the seemingly positive response, he wraps his arms around his boyfriend fully, petting his hair, where he feels that he’s trembling slightly.
Pulling him closer, Lawrence soothes, “Shh, angel. I’ve got you.” His voice is rough and tired, in a way no one has heard in a long time. No one but Adam, now.
He hears Adam make a desperately needy noise and his unconscious body reaches for Lawrence unmistakably, hand finding his arm and immediately gripping on tight- the grip of someone who was afraid that warmth would leave.
Lawrence’s heart fights between a twist of unbearable sympathy for this man and the extreme happiness that came with being something that Adam wanted, even unconscious. He was helping, just by being there, calming his partner with just his touch.
He kisses Adam’s head distractedly, repeatedly, continuing to stroke his head.
He feels Adam stir then, shifting in his arms, which is obvious as he struggles to move with how tightly Lawrence had been holding him without meaning to. His body feels immediately less tense, however, and he peeks up at Lawrence, his hair ruffled endearingly over his eyes as he finds Lawrence’s.
“There you are,” Lawrence murmurs, stroking under Adam’s eye with his thumb. Adam stares back up at him, and in the comfortable darkness, Lawrence watches his eyes fill with tears, and the moonlight reflects in his eyes. He seems calmer now that he’s awake, Lawrence’s presence making it clear that his nightmare was just that, but he’s still shaking. The residual panic from his dream is still there, and the way he’s almost hidden in the soft cavern of Lawrence’s arms makes him look so much younger, more afraid.
“What is it, honey?” Lawrence asks softly after another moment, hardly recognizing the tenderness in his own voice. “Nightmare?”
Adam just nods, readjusting himself to lay on Lawrence’s chest properly, curling himself up and grabbing onto his boyfriend in an attempt of self-soothing. Lawrence responds immediately, his arms moving to hold Adam around the shoulders, and he can feel his heart pounding. Adam is almost certainly putting on a brave face, as if stuck in a cloud, and Lawrence hopes that he can gently break it down and bring him back to Earth.
He seems to be taking well to Lawrence’s affections, immediately used to it, which pleases Lawrence immensely. He kisses Adam’s head again now that he’s awake, and Adam sighs shakily.
Adam finally speaks and his voice is rough and small, like he’s walking on glass, “Would you- I- I need-” He’s asking for something, which Lawrence knows is difficult for him to begin with, and he can’t bear to see him struggle with it. Adam swallows around a gasping breath, like he’s finally beginning to panic.
Lawrence catches on, understanding what Adam needs immediately, “Adam. My darling. It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here for you, I’m not leaving.” He kisses his cheek, soft but flush.
Lawrence finds himself indulging in finally getting to comfort Adam the way he had been wanting to for so long, despite the inappropriate timing.
Adam exhales shakily, his whole body trembling. He leans into Lawrence’s lips, as if asking for more.
Lawrence gives it to him- he’ll always give Adam anything he needs. Everything he needs.
“I’ve got you,” He continues quietly, determined to calm him down, rubbing his back. “You’re safe, angel.”
Lawrence can see Adam doing his best to breathe deeply, as Lawrence often told him to do when he had comforted him in the past.
“Sorry,” Adam manages when he’s still fighting for breath after another moment, and makes it come out as a whimper. “I- I just- can’t-”
Lawrence squeezes him tight, cutting him off as respectfully as he could think to. “Shh, sweetheart. There’s no need to apologize, I’m right here. Let me comfort you, darling.”
Adam seems to accept this after a moment, nodding, his lip trembling. The tears that escape his open eyes say something miserably relieved, like he’d been waiting for this.
A smile grows on Lawrence’s face, and he just barely stops himself from murmuring that’s my boy. He had a feeling that was a bit too much for this moment, and all he wanted was to help.
He turns his body even further to ease holding his boyfriend fully, so he can cradle the whole world in his arms. Adam accepts this, and continues to accept it until his breathing evens out. Lawrence rubs his back, revelling in it when Adam allows his hand to slip under his shirt in pure affection, whispering reassurances of I’m here and You’re okay, sweetheart above his ear.
Only once Adam is visibly calmer, eyes closed, passing for asleep once again, is Lawrence satisfied.
“Thank you,” Adam whispers, nuzzling Lawrence’s chest with his nose, making it scrunch up adorably.
“Always,” Lawrence says softly, a bit surprised at being thanked for simply caring for him, the unspoken promise there not lost on either of them. He’s happy to have helped someone he loves as opposed to hurting them once again- and he surmises that this will be far from the last time. He likes the idea of that.
Adam leans up and kisses the corner of his mouth, their lips sticking together for a moment before letting each other go. The tenderness makes Lawrence fill up with guilt like a cheap criminal. He clears his throat quietly.
“Sweetheart, I want to apologize. I- I was touching you, and I didn’t ask. You were asleep, and- vulnerable, and I’m sorry. I never want to hurt you, or cause you nightmares,” He swallows his guilt down thickly, again, he thinks, “I’m sorry.”
Adam smiles unbearably fondly, distantly pondering how he ended up in the bed of such a perfect man. “Lar, you don’t need to be sorry- I love when you touch me,” He admits, “It’s the only reason I was able to fall asleep in the first place. It’s so comforting. You- you aren’t the reason for my nightmares,” He finishes softly, using the back of his index finger to rub Lawrence’s jaw.
Lawrence grins weakly, his guilt subsiding in the gentle waves of Adam’s soft eyes. “Oh, I’m glad. I-I don’t want to seem self-centered, but you seemed to calm when I held you,” He observes, his gaze so free of judgement that Adam shivers in delighted disbelief. Lawrence is so genuinely curious about Adam, wants to know everything about him, everything Adam will give him. Adam wants to give him all of it. It’s terrifying.
“Yeah,” Adam responds softly, “yeah, Lar. It- it helps. Of course, you’re under no- obligation to hold me, ever, even if I’m upset-”
“Adam,” Lawrence chuckles ever so softly, “I was holding you, and you were asleep. That was for me. Entirely selfish.”
Adam grins and kisses him, one hand on either side of his face. Lawrence’s hands find the small of his back, as Adam is noticing is becoming habit, pulling him up closer. It’s their first kiss laying on their sides like this, and Lawrence can suddenly understand addiction.
“Can’t believe I get to do that now,” Adam pants quietly as they part, his eyes still closed and his lips forming into a disbelieving huff of a laugh. Lawrence grins back, pulling him back in just once more, indulgently. “The feeling is mutual.”
He places one last kiss into Adam’s hairline, preferring how he sighs happily now that he’s conscious to experience it. But seeing Adam look so miserable at all when he had vowed to never make Adam feel that way was still nagging at him.
“Do you want to talk about it, love?” Lawrence asks, his hand resuming its earlier hobby of rubbing up under Adam’s shirt.
With a bit of selfish pride, he can feel Adam shiver under the touch, and his enjoyment is confirmed when he leans into Lawrence’s hand. He pauses at the question and fidgets at his bottom lip with his teeth, and Lawrence has his third inappropriate thought of the evening.
“Do you really- you-”
Lawrence listens to him intently, in silence, eyes kind.
“You really want me,” he finishes, blinking up at Lawrence with a devastating hope in his eyes.
Lawrence nods slowly, as if just asked whether or not the sky was blue. To him, it was the most obvious thing in the world, easier than breathing. As true as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west.
“Adam,” He whispers, because there’s nothing else he can say, it’s always Adam, “Of course I do. I-I want you more than anything.”
And then Adam laughs, so full and happy, he laughs, after waking up crying in Lawrence’s arms in fear that he’d leave, and it’s so absurd that it catches Lawrence so completely off-guard that he starts talking automatically,
“Adam, you have no idea how grateful I feel that you somehow return my feelings.”
Adam continues and attempts to catch his breath after his bout of laughter, “I do, Lar. I understand exactly.”
Lawrence smiles with a soft laugh, hardly believing this man was laughing right now after supposedly having a nightmare about exactly this. He was perfect. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life, sweetheart.”
Adam smiles from ear to ear. “It’s not luck. I’m in your bed right now on purpose.”
Lawrence kisses him, pulling him in so close it starts to roll him over, nearly on top of one another. Lawrence lets him go for the sole reason that he wants Adam to get some more sleep tonight.
“Feeling better, my dear?”
“Much,” Adam smiles at him, unbidden and genuine, and God, Lawrence loves him- “Thank you, baby.”
That’s new, and Lawrence’s heart flutters like he’s a much younger man. He finds himself hoping that it isn’t the last time that will happen.
“I’ll always be here for you, Adam,” He says, hoping it impossibly conveys how he feels for Adam in that moment, and then softer, “Always.”
He can already feel Adam falling back asleep on him, his body slackening, but not before he mumbles Lawrence’s own name into his neck, like a prayer and a wish wrapped into one sleepy kiss. Like he’s asking Lawrence not to leave, like he’s just making sure he’s still there. Lawrence is already yearning for the day that he doesn’t even have to check- for the day that he just knows Lawrence is there. He manages a Goodnight, darling, which Adam acknowledges with a kiss Lawrence feels on his neck.
It’s so perfectly domestic and wonderful, and once he’s sure Adam has truly fallen asleep, he whispers, just audible enough to brush over Adam’s hair,
“I love you,” And he, too, falls asleep.