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Leehan is a shy person.
Despite being an extroverted person, always wanting to be near other people and bask in their existence like a cat in sunlight, he finds it slightly hard to be the person to initiate things first. He’s wary of new people, and he’s scared of a lot of people’s attention on him at one time, basically.
But, he likes his friends, and bothers them as much as he can, because he feels like he needs to recharge around them.
However, it’s awkward to be near your high school friend group when you have an immense, heart-wrenching crush on one of them, for the better part of the five years that you’ve known that person.
Enough to make his heart pound whenever he even goes near Leehan, who can barely listen to the joke Jaehyun is trying to crack. He can only focus on one person at a time, anyway, and it’s hard to laugh at Jaehyun when this person is so close to him that he can faintly smell the perfume he put on that morning.
And, god forbid, when this person actually makes contact with him — when their hands brush against each other as they go to class, when he picks a piece of fluff off Leehan’s blazer, or when he laughs so hard he smacks Leehan’s arm.
It feels like there’s live electricity where he touches, leaving sparks in the air and making Leehan feel all fuzzy and tingly for the rest of the day. Maybe his hair even puffs up, he doesn’t know.
It’s all-encompassing, consuming him whole. He’s had this crush for so long he doesn’t know what it’s like to not have a crush on him.
“I think you should just tell him,” Riwoo nags at him as they walk home one day. “It’s kind of killing me, Leehan.”
Riwoo’s been telling Leehan this almost every day for the past three years, once he found out after Leehan blushed a little too hard when his crush complimented his new hair. Riwoo’s good like that, he can read people easily, and sometimes Leehan is an open book.
Leehan feels his ears grow warm at the mere thought of it. He can’t. “I can’t.”
“It’s not like Taesan’s gonna kill you for it. He’s much nicer than he seems, we know that.”
Right. His massive crush, the one that takes up all the space in his head, the one which almost suffocates him, is none other than Taesan.
His same-aged friend, who shares almost all of his classes, and who he probably hangs around with the most besides Riwoo.
“Well, yes,” Leehan says, biting his lip. “I want to tell him. But.. also not? I’m scared of his reaction.”
Riwoo huffs at him, kicking at a pebble as they go down the street. The sun is shining, warm rays which Leehan thinks will make his blonde hair even more bright. “How about you write a letter?”
Leehan perks up, turning towards Riwoo with a grin. “That’s a good idea, hyung! Like a secret admirer..”
“..Sure,” Riwoo says, patting Leehan’s shoulder. He’s a bit passive aggressive at times, but not mean. Just in the fact that he thinks some things are silly, but won’t admit it outright. “Never change, Leehan.”
Despite Riwoo definitely thinking Leehan was being his own whimsical self, Leehan decides to take himself seriously. It seems a bit..fun, somehow, to keep anonymous over this whole thing, while also expressing the feelings he’s been hiding for so long. He definitely wants to tell Taesan, somehow, and maybe gauge a reaction before telling him outright.
Because he doesn’t want to ruin anything between them, obviously.
And so, the Sunday night before school, Leehan’s chewing on his pen while sitting at his desk. His window is left open, letting in a small breeze which feels refreshing against his face, and he looks out among the hundreds of apartment buildings ahead.
He stares down, where he’s met with a blank piece of lined paper, and a blank envelope. When Leehan had gone to the stationary store near their school, the one which his older sister frequented a lot to buy cute things for herself and he was unwillingly dragged along, he was really drawn towards the soft baby blue envelopes. They reminded him of the sea, of the warm blue water which reflected the bright sun, and the clear skies which stretched far ahead.
Leehan misses the beach. He wonders if Taesan would ever want to come to his grandparent’s house with him, in Busan, one day.
He’s daydreaming again. Leehan shakes his head, trying to put himself back into the present, and thinks.
He’s a bit awkward with words, never knowing how to fully express his feelings properly, and he wonders too much whether he’s saying enough. Yet, when he’s writing them down, he has time to think, and to try to shape his words in a way that makes sense to him.
The warm glow of the aquarium lamp next to him illuminates onto the paper, which is still blank. Leehan sighs and turns towards the fish tank next to him, where his fish are happily swimming around, blowing bubbles.
He leans his cheek against the cool glass of the tank, staring at them. “I don’t know what to say,” he sighs, gently poking at one of them through the glass. “Should I just be honest?”
The fish, one of his adored corydoras, stares at him through the glass, as if giving him sympathy for his tiny dilemma. It stills for a second before swimming away. Leehan scrunches his nose in thought, before turning towards the paper on his desk.
He slowly picks up his pen and starts writing. It takes a lot of time and effort, more than he usually puts in his homework, but he’s satisfied. He even left a small note at the bottom, in case Taesan wanted to respond to anything he said.
Leehan carefully folds the paper up, making sure it was even, and slides the letter into the blue envelope, before sealing it off, and writing For Taesan~ on the front of it. Then, he puts it in his bag, ready to put it in his locker before school the next day.
Finally, he lets a small breath out.
Hi.
This feels so awkward right now, writing it instead of saying it to your face directly. But since these feelings have become almost overwhelming at times, I think it’s good to let them out. I hope you understand.
Simply put, I like you. A lot.
I’ve known you for a while, and I’m really quite sure of my feelings at this point.
I like how kind you are, despite your cold exterior, and how attentive you are to the people you care about, amongst many other things. But I’ll keep this letter brief.
I also hope that, when reading this, it doesn’t make you feel scared or anything, because it’s the last thing I want.. ㅠㅠ but just know, that someone, who is far too scared to say it directly, cares about you a lot.
Please take this kindly. I’m sorry for being a coward, and not signing off with my name, but maybe when I’m a little more braver, I will.
Also, if you have any comments or questions.. or want to tell me you’re freaked out or anything.. just leave it in the free locker at the end of the hall after school today… ^^
It’s pouring with rain the next time he sees Taesan.
Leehan physically cannot keep still, his nerves coming out by him shaking his leg like crazy as he’s waiting for Taesan in their classroom. They always sit together at school, and usually one of them is dozing off as their teacher drones on and on.
Now, he’s just nervous. He has way more energy than usual, especially at 9 in the morning.
That morning, before school, Leehan had given the letter to Taesan – not directly, but through sliding it through the grates of his locker, where it was hopefully the first thing he had seen. Leehan didn’t stay by long enough to actually see if Taesan had even opened his own letter, since he was promptly whisked away by Myung Jaehyun to go to their student council meeting.
From where he’s sitting, right by the massive glass window which overlooks the field outside, the rain comes down in sheets. There’s a chill in the air, one which lays still, which the tiny classroom heater has no chance of winning against.
There’s a moody grey which filters through the window, the rain having no intent of stopping soon. If he cranes his neck to look down, he can see people rush inside the main building, the only colour amongst the grey being their umbrellas.
A few minutes before the teacher starts their lesson, Taesan quietly slides in from the back, making his way over to Leehan.
It’s in very typical Taesan fashion, where he’s someone who clearly doesn’t want a lot of people’s attention on him. Despite this, he’s still someone who kind of has a draw towards him.
Maybe it’s his personality, where he acts all quiet and mysterious until you find out he has the personality of a big cat, or the fact that his own passions for music bleeds out into everything he touches, and when you’re close enough, it bleeds on you too.
Or maybe Leehan thinks too much.
Either way, Taesan has his backpack slung over one shoulder, the keychains (Leehan’s personal favourite is a very fluffy black cat, but nothing can rival Leehan’s own collection) on his bag swinging as he sits down on the desk next to Leehan. Taesan gives him a small smile as a greeting, before going to take all the books out of his bag.
Leehan’s leaning over his desk, his arms stretched and his hands dangling over the edge. From here, he’s resting his head on his desk, turned to the side so Taesan’s on an angle. Leehan raises one hand up in a wave, watching Taesan put all of his books and pencil case on his desk in a neat pile.
As usual, he looks good, and Leehan’s liked him so much that the steady beating of his heart every time he’s near Taesan is basically normal to him.
Clearly Taesan got stuck in the rain, judging by his slightly damp hair and the splotches of water on his blazer, but he still looks..nice. Leehan wants to so badly reach his hand up and fix his ink black hair, where it lay slightly askew from the rain, and from Taesan probably rushing to make it to the classroom in time. To see if it’s as soft as it really looks.
Leehan feels crazy. He turns his head towards the window instead, where the rain is still persisting.
Lost in his own world, he’s barely there until he feels the gentlest pat on his shoulder. Leehan slowly turns his head back to see Taesan, peering at him in a very cat-like way, half of a fluffy bun in his hand.
“Have you eaten breakfast?” Taesan asks, tilting his head.
Leehan immediately sat up properly, feeling slightly embarrassed for Taesan to see him lazing around on his desk now. He can feel the tips of his ears burn, and avoids the pointed stare Taesan sends his way. The buzzing from the classroom and the rain outside makes Taesan sound even quieter than usual.
“I don’t usually eat breakfast,” Leehan says, letting out a sheepish laugh as Taesan scrunches his nose at him. Instead of saying anything, Taesan reaches to grab Leehan’s hand.
Leehan hates how his breath hitches at the smallest moment of contact between them. It’s like his own self betraying him, and suddenly he can hear the rush of his own heart wash over him like a tidal wave.
He feels pathetic. He is pathetic.
If Taesan notices, he doesn’t care, as he turns Leehan’s hand, palm facing up, and places half of the fluffy bun on it. “Here, so you won’t be hungry before lunch.”
Leehan now holds the bun with both hands, feeling a buzz where Taesan had held it so briefly. Like static. Or electricity. “Thank you.”
The teacher immediately starts the lesson, and everyone’s attention draws towards the whiteboard in the front, and the moment has popped like a bubble.
Taesan flashes him a small smile before looking at the board ahead as well.
The rain subsides by early afternoon, leaving the skies cloudy and massive puddles scattered around the main school building. Leehan usually chooses to stay inside, anyway, and today he has to stay back for more student council stuff.
It’s around 5 when he finally heads over to his locker to pack up his bag and make his way home. All day, he’s kind of been buzzing — it was mainly out of pure anxiety, whether Taesan would open his letter and read it, and would write something as a reply. His heart is going into overdrive.
Predictably, the locker area is completely empty. Everyone has gone home besides him. Leehan slides on his backpack, making sure that his locker was locked, and trudges over to the empty locker at the end of the hallway. There’s usually nothing in it, which is why he told Taesan to put his response in it.
Leehan takes a small breath before opening it. He should not be this nervous.
He grabs the handle and twists, tensely, as if something will jump out and grab him. But instead, there’s a piece of paper.
Wait. A response.
Taesan’s handwriting is very recognisable, and Leehan freezes for a second. He actually responded.
Leehan looks both ways, making sure there was absolutely no one near him or looking in his direction, and grabs the folded piece of paper, shoving it into his inner blazer pocket. Then, he closes the locker, and dashes out into the cool air.
To my secret admirer(?)
Hi. I don’t need to introduce myself because it seems like you know me well, right..?
If this isn’t a prank, or someone trying to do something mean to me, then I really appreciate your kind words. Although I would rather have things be direct and upfront, I know what it’s like to face difficulty when expressing your feelings… so you can keep anonymous if you want, lol.
Also, I’m not exactly freaked out, but perhaps more intrigued? It’s kind of cute that you want to tell me, but not directly, and so we’re writing notes to each other.
The only question I have is that I wonder.. obviously you know me a lot, but I don’t know you much. Or at all. So, maybe a self-introduction.. haha.. so I can get a clue of what you’re like in person.
Also, I’m wondering if you’re a guy or a girl? I don’t really mind either way, since I’d be equally flattered, but I am curious.
Hope this didn’t freak you out~~ Thank you for the letter!
Taesan
“He wrote you something back?” Riwoo asks, as Leehan stops in the aisle to peer at the many flavours of gummies on display.
The convenience store right across from their school is milling with so many students, since it was the time that classes had ended. Leehan planned to stay back after school to get some study done, and he wanted to stock up on snacks for energy as he powers through his essay.
Right now, he was cramped in the aisle, the shopping basket digging into his side. It’s getting heavy with the copious amounts of snacks they’ve haphazardly thrown into it. Riwoo’s paying anyway, so the majority of the basket are his own snacks.
Hamburger gummies, fruit gummies, gummy bears, snakes. There are way too many for Leehan to choose from.
“It was quite nice, actually,” Leehan says, finally choosing a pack where they looked like multicoloured fish. He’s biased. “He’s still nice even when he doesn’t know who he’s talking to.”
Leehan feels himself smiling back at what Taesan wrote back. The confusion was definitely there, but he was still.. less judgemental than Leehan thought. Like he sympathised with Leehan not being able to express himself directly to him, and hiding like a coward behind light blue paper and a pen.
Riwoo doesn’t respond. They move towards the drink aisle.
Leehan feels a buzz in his pocket, and opens his phone to find messages from Taesan. He lets out a small gasp, making Riwoo lean over and stare at Taesan typing his messages out.
han taesan ᓚᘏᗢ
taetnyangie
hey are u going to the library later?
taetnyangie
i’ll join you lol
4:02 pm
leehanie
yeah i’m at the convenience store rn getting snacks!!
leehanie
i’ll be there in ten mins~~
4:03 pm
Riwoo mutters something which suspiciously sounds like he’s so gone next to him, but Leehan happily chooses to avoid what he just said. Instead, he put all of his focus into the drinks which surrounded them, and picked out a milk tea for himself.
“Taesan likes this one,” Leehan says, picking out an iced green tea.
A tiny huff from Riwoo, which is to be expected from the most sassiest person Leehan knows, so he pays no attention to his hyung’s antics. Leehan quickly pushes his way through the crowd of students squished in the convenience store to get towards the counter to pay.
After, laden with two heavy plastic bags full of enough snacks to feed a whole kingdom, Leehan happily makes his way back to the library. Riwoo has ditched him once he paid, choosing to go home to sleep, so Leehan’s by himself. But it doesn't matter. Any chance to hang out with Taesan gives him a little bounce in his step, and it almost feels like the sun is really shining brighter and the leaves are greener.
It takes Leehan a while to find where Taesan is, since he’s cooped up in the back of the library, behind rows and rows of books. The spot is quiet, and Taesan is already at work, writing in his notebook with his textbook propped up.
“Hi,” Leehan says softly, gently placing the bags of snacks on the table next to Taesan. Taesan stares up at him, as if surprised Leehan was actually there. It’s cute.
Leehan pulls out the iced tea bottle and hands it to Taesan, who doesn’t try to fight back his own smile. “Here’s a pick me up.”
“Thanks,” Taesan mutters, setting it aside before putting his focus onto the textbook in front of him. “You can sit down next to me, you know.”
The jolt in his chest isn’t surprising, but nevertheless, Leehan still feels happy.
There’s really something about nursing a crush that makes everything around them seem softer and lighter, like you can breathe easier while also not being able to breathe at all.
Obviously, Leehan slides in the chair next to Taesan.
The desk is so small, and both of them aren’t particularly small people (they’re both over 180cm), so their knees knock against each other at random moments. Leehan pretends like he isn’t about to go into cardiac arrest any moment. He’s just focused on his essay ahead — the blank doc on his laptop staring back at him.
They sit in silence while working, with the only ambient sounds being the soft scratches of Taesan’s pen and Leehan typing. Despite being so cooped up in the back of the library, there’s large lamps which shine warm light onto them.
After around an hour, Taesan lets out a groan and puts his head on his notebook. “Study break,” he says, voice muffled. Leehan stifles a giggle.
He reaches out, instinctively, to pat Taesan’s head like a cat. His hand hovers over his head for a split second before Leehan realises what he’s doing, and quickly pulls his arm back. It feels.. selfish.
Either way, Taesan is now eyeing the plastic bag full of snacks which sat across from them on the table, like a cat. He never noticed Leehan’s hand. Leehan leans over to take out his bag of gummy fish, gently tearing it open to let Taesan grab a few. Taesan’s sat back up now, chewing thoughtfully on the gummies, but it’s clear his head is elsewhere.
“Donghyun.”
Leehan looks at Taesan, tearing a fish in half with his teeth. It’s grape flavoured. “Yeah?”
Taesan’s face is blank. Leehan’s not entirely good at reading facial expressions, but there is nothing to pick at Taesan's face that would hint at what he’s currently thinking or feeling.
“You can keep a secret, right?”
Oh. Oh?
It actually catches Leehan off guard, and he has to blink at Taesan three times to register what he had just asked him. He chews on his fish gummy.
That question was.. loaded. With meaning. And intent.
The thing is, Leehan can definitely keep a secret. He’s probably holding onto so many people’s secrets in his years of living, and of course, he would never tell people other people’s business.
But this.. was interesting. Taesan was going to tell him an actual secret, and maybe Leehan can use this as an opportunity to take a proper peek at what goes on in Taesan’s head. He’s mostly intrigued because Taesan never tells him secrets.
Taesan keeps his distance, obviously, it’s part of his nature. But sometimes Leehan wishes, so selfishly, that Taesan can let some walls down. For him.
Leehan hums. “Yes, why?”
There’s a small hum that comes from Taesan. “I’m confused.. on something. There’s something bothering me.”
Instead of trying to pry it out of Taesan, Leehan once again hands the open packet of gummies in Taesan’s direction, accompanied with a smile of acknowledgement. He waves it under his nose, making Taesan snort at him, before picking out a blue one.
“Like, recently,” Taesan’s mouth is full, and he’s chewing while speaking. Leehan refrains from wrinkling his nose at Taesan (he’s not perfect, but he’s close enough for Leehan to overlook this). “I got this.. love letter?”
Leehan feels as if time froze for a second.
He tries his absolute hardest not to freak out, and to keep calm, despite this feeling completely earth shattering in the moment. Because Taesan basically just indirectly mentioned his love letter, which he inevitably poured a bit of his heart out onto, and he feels exposed.
Time passes, and Taesan’s chewing on his bottom lip in thought. “It was really nice,” he says, much softer this time, as if shy to say it outright. “I don’t.. know.. how to feel about it, though. It’s confusing. I don’t know who it’s from, but I’m touched all the same.”
“You liked it?” Leehan prods, as if he wasn’t the one who wrote the whole thing. He’s just digging to see Taesan’s raw reaction to this.
It might just be the light, but he swears there’s a light dusting of pink on Taesan’s cheeks.
It’s.. cute. Really cute.
Sickeningly cute, so much so that Leehan can’t bear to look at Taesan for long, choosing to stare into his bag of gummies like he’s trying to decide on which flavour to get next. He picks out a green one, apple flavoured.
“Yeah,” Taesan mumbles. He rests his head on his palm, using his other hand to absentmindedly doodle on his notebook. Taesan has a lot of energy, Leehan notices. “I just hope the person is who I want it to be.”
Leehan hums and nods. “That’s understandable.”
A pause.
Wait, Taesan. He wants the person writing the letter — literally Leehan, by the way — to be.. someone? In particular? An actual person?
It dawns on Leehan. Taesan likes someone.
“You like someone?” Leehan asks in a very nonchalant way (hopefully), raising one eyebrow at Taesan.
Taesan rolls his eyes at Leehan. He’s such a cat. “I guess. I’m not talking about it. Let’s just go back to studying now.”
One thing about Taesan is that he’s a man of his word, so right after saying that, he plucks a pen from his pencil case and squints at the chunk of information on the textbook in front of him.
Obviously, Leehan isn’t able to pay attention to his essay now. He’s got other things on his mind.
Hi Taesan~
I was so happy when I saw your reply to my letter, I was so anxious for the whole day because I was scared you were freaked out by this whole thing ㅠㅠㅠ thank you, really!
It feels a bit.. tropey? to be writing letters like this to you, but I’m starting to enjoy it now. I still feel bad, and I also feel like a coward for hiding behind these words, but I am trying to reflect my feelings onto this piece of paper.
Self introduction.. hmm.. I don’t want to give myself away just yet. But I’ll say that I do like sweet snacks, being outdoors, and collecting cute things. I hope that suffices..
I also like animals a lot. I’m sure you’ve been told this many times, but you really do remind me of a cat. Like a sassy black cat… who’s quite lovely, once you get to know them.. ㅎㅎ but it’s cute so don’t worry~
I wonder if you know how lovely you are to other people as well. I think that even just talking to you is a stress reliever, despite how quiet you are sometimes,
Looking forward to, hopefully, your next response soon. Same locker and time~
P.S. I am a guy, lol. I hope that’s okay with you <3
When Leehan goes to the empty locker at the end of the day, he’s surprised that there’s something else accompanied with the usual letter from Taesan. This time, the paper is in a small white envelope.
The surprising thing was the small bag of gummies next to the envelope. They were fruit shaped. One of Leehan’s favourites, he thinks, as he gently places the two in his bag, his heart warm and fuzzy.
To my secret admirer..? (Do you have something else I can call you.. ㅠㅠ)
I think this whole thing is quite cute. I’m also shy, so I understand you a little. It’s a bit like something which would happen in a K-drama..who knew that things like this also happen in real life..?
While I prefer more savoury things in comparison to sweets, I do like the outdoors and collecting things. True to my name, I go hiking a lot in the mountains with my family. It’s nice and peaceful up there, and I really don’t think anything can beat that feeling.
Other than that, my good friend likes collecting keychains, and it kind of rubbed off on me too.
For the cat thing, I get told that a lot, especially by my friends around me. I kind of see it too, and of course I think cats are cute. I’m not really one to think about how others perceive me as much, so hearing that you think I’m quite lovely makes me happy. I think a lot of people think I'm scarier than I am.
Also, it’s totally fine you’re a guy. I think that makes this even cuter.
Taesan~
“What the hell is Han Taesan doing outside right now?” Jaehyun mutters to Leehan, pointing at the door, where you could see Taesan lurking outside through the small window.
Leehan is basically dozing off, but quickly wakes up when he realises who is outside.
It’s a Friday afternoon after school, and Leehan and Jaehyun had to stay back for an impromptu meeting about an upcoming event. The rest of their committee had left besides them, who stayed even more back to finish writing emails and tying up loose ends.
They were just situated in one of the empty classrooms, only them and some faint music from Jaehyun’s phone playing as they stared at Leehan’s laptop.
Leehan blinks the sleep from his eyes as Jaehyun basically bounces to the door to swing it open and confront his best friend. Taesan is all wide-eyed when he sees Myung Jaehyun basically drag him into the empty classroom, basically shocked into silence.
“Um. Hi.” Taesan peers at Jaehyun. He turns to see Leehan just sitting there, and gives him a small wave. Leehan waves back, obviously.
Taesan moves to sit on one of the tables, half of his bag slung over his shoulder. He’s staring at the both of them, then at Leehan’s laptop on the desk in front of him, and then their bags haphazardly thrown at the front of the room in a pile. He bites back a smile at the both of them staring back at him. “I wanted to hang. What are you guys doing?”
“Admin stuff,” Jaehyun says. He then rolls his eyes. “After that, Leehan was gonna swing by for dinner. I guess you can come too, if you want. Woonhak misses you.”
Taesan’s grin makes him look like the cat who got the cream. “Of course I’ll join,” he says, hands stuffed into the pockets of his pants casually.
Leehan nods as well. Jaehyun sighs.
They finish up the final email to be sent, and then both Leehan and Jaehyun pack up their bags and tidy the empty classroom. Taesan stays where he is, wired earbuds playing faint sounds of classic rock as he tracks their every move with his eyes. Leehan feels his ears turn warm at the feeling of his eyes watching his every move. It’s weird.
Jaehyun locks the door once they step foot into the vast hallway, the keys jangling from his hand as he searches for the correct one. He turns to both Leehan and Taesan, who are standing there watching him, ready to go.
“I’ll return these to the front desk, then we’ll walk to my house together,” he says, already jogging off in the opposite direction.
Now it’s just the two of them.
It takes a few seconds to dawn on Leehan, but when it does, he tries not to choke. The fact that simply standing next to his crush for half of his life (basically) puts his mind and chest into overdrive makes him also question his mental state, but that’s something to worry about when bouts of insomnia hit him.
Now, Taesan’s singing softly to whatever he’s listening to, scrolling idly on his phone. Leehan has always thought Taesan’s voice was pretty — much like every other part of him, really, even if he rarely ever sings in front of him.
Seriously, Leehan’s going insane.
He tries to subtly feel his heartbeat, grabbing his wrist where he feels a steady thud thud thud, and then his vision is blocked.
By pretty hands holding one wired earbud. Taesan.
“You should listen,” is all he says, when Leehan looks up at him with wide eyes.
Another cute habit is that Taesan can’t make eye contact with people. He’s too shy. It’s pretty obvious now, when he’s not actually staring into Leehan’s eyes or even his face, but rather ahead, at the hallway. Or just far into the distance, but not at Leehan.
Leehan hums, gently taking the earbud, pretending that their fingers didn’t brush against each other for a split second and that there was definitely an electric zap, and puts it in his ear.
It’s a soft, jazzy song. Something that’s more of Leehan’s taste rather than Taesan’s. He finds himself smiling at what he hears.
It’s a nice song. Of course it is, when Taesan’s playing it for him to hear.
Personally, Leehan doesn’t know if it’s because he’s kind of a romantic in a sense (he literally writes anonymous love letters, so maybe) but he always thought sharing music was very.. intimate.
It’s personal. It’s like tearing off a bit of your heart, your soul, and handing it to someone else — something which both people truly treasure, because the giver is being open and vulnerable, and the receiver is being given a piece of themselves. Being seen, and heard, and thought of.
Taesan’s fidgeting with his hands again. Leehan tries not to hold onto them, wanting to pry them apart. Instead, he smiles at Taesan, a warm eye smile which makes his cheeks go up.
“It’s nice,” he says softly.
Taesan’s eyes light up from what Leehan said, his eyes shaping into little crescents. “Really?” He breathes out a little. “I thought you would. It really reminded me of you, and I knew you would like it a lot.”
Oh.
Oh.
That’s not very platonic, Leehan thinks. He’s not the best at reading emotions, but this seems.. especially open and vulnerable, especially coming from Taesan, who rarely opens up about his own feelings and mind.
Leehan doesn’t know what to think now.
Suddenly it feels like the space between them is so small, and he can sense how close Taesan is next to him.
He chose the song because of Leehan. Even though he just said it out loud, it’s really heart fluttering, to think that Taesan listened to this song and thought of him so much he wanted to share it with him.
Leehan looks up at Taesan, whose eyes are still sparkling. He swears there’s a slight flush on Taesan’s face, but it might be a trick of the light. Leehan’s heart is beating so fast that it’s the only thing he can focus on right now.
They stand there until the song finishes, which is also the time Jaehyun comes back running towards them, panting like a literal dog. He seems completely oblivious to the tense environment he’s just walked into. “Alright,” he gasps. “Let’s go.”
“Yup,” Taesan says, as Leehan tugs the earbud out of his ear and hands it over to him with a soft smile. “I’m hungry.”
lee riwoo (´ ᵕ `ฅ
uri riu
ya kim leehan
uri riu
you seriously have made han taesan go crazy
12:48 pm
leehanie
??
leehanie
what did i do ㅠㅠ
12:50 pm
uri riu
taesan told me n jae n sungho about the letters
12:50 pm
leehanie
WHAT.
12:51 pm
uri riu
yeah lol
uri riu
he’s like “do you guys know who this is..”
uri riu
it’s kind of obvious who it is leehan~~
12:53 pm
uri riu
obviously i didn’t say anything.. but jaehyun and sungho just burst out laughing like to the point of tears ㅎㅎ they’re like “isn’t it obvious?? there’s only one person”
12:54 pm
leehanie
ah..
leehanie
ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
12:55 pm
uri riu
don’t worry taesanie doesn’t know
uri riu
he’s a bit dense like that. he’s like “ah hyungs stop laughing and just tell me!!!”
uri riu
but your hyungs are nice so we didn’t expose you ㅎㅎ
12:59 pm
leehanie
you guys are so mean
1:00 pm
uri riu
but seriously leehan
uri riu
i think you should tell him soon
uri riu
he’s going through the same amount of distress that you are.. ㅎㅎ like i think you should just rip off the bandaid and come clean
1:03 pm
leehanie
but it’s hard…
leehanie
like idk. what if he hates me or something
1:04 pm
uri riu
ah seriously;;
uri riu
he won’t. trust me.
1:05 pm
It’s almost three in the morning, and Leehan can’t sleep.
He’s been tossing and turning for the better half of the past few hours, but his mind is whirring so much he can barely think straight.
There’s something bubbling under his skin. Something which feels the most akin to frustration. Not because he can’t sleep, but because he doesn’t know how much longer he can handle all these big emotions which loom over him every day, every second he’s with Taesan.
He’s liked Taesan for a long, long time. He knows it. But feeling his weak heart go into overdrive, the way he can barely focus when he’s around Taesan, the way his chest concaves at the thought of him, it’s too much now. It’s grown too much.
The notes have gotten too much. They’re in a neat pile in his bedside table, and Leehan reads them everyday.
But enough is enough. It feels as if he’s going to explode if he keeps whatever he’s feeling in for a second longer, and at this point, he’s mentally prepared himself for rejection anyway. He needs to move on. He needs to end this. It’s bad for him.
Plus, with what Riwoo had said, he thinks it’s time.
He can’t keep yearning for the rest of his life. Leehan doesn’t know if what he’s feeling is true love, but it feels like it, and he’s terrified.
Leehan squints in the dark, moving his hand to find his phone somewhere next to him. When he turns it on, the blinding light from the screen burns into his face, making him squint his eyes as he tries to find Riwoo’s contact number.
leehanie
i’m ready to tell taesan how i feel
leehanie
i need to get it out..
Obviously, Riwoo doesn’t respond because it’s the middle of the night. But he doesn’t care. He can deal with Riwoo’s reaction in the morning.
Leehan pulls the blanket off him, stumbling onto the plush carpeted floor. The fish tank is bubbling, its light glowing against the pitch black of Leehan’s room, and Leehan smiles at his children sleeping in the tank.
He sits at his desk, rubbing his eyes. Leehan pulls out the same light blue paper and pen, and sighs as he gets ready to write.
Taesan~
That’s a relief. Not that I doubted you in the first place, but you know… ㅠㅠ
Also, for the name thing, I think I’ll just. Keep anonymous for a second..? Perhaps.
The thing is, I initially started writing these letters to you because I wanted to let them out. At the time, I was too shy to actually admit them straightforwardly, but now, enough is enough. Only if it’s okay with you.
I want to meet up. And confess this in person.
If you’re up for it, just respond to this in our usual way ^_^
Thank you for always being so nice in our letters, and in person to me. I hope it’ll be worthwhile. At the minimum, it’s a good weight to be let off my chest.
<3
Nerves have been overtaking Leehan for the whole week after he wrote that letter to Taesan. There hasn’t been a reply yet, and it’s Thursday — he’s been checking almost every break, and the empty locker has been haunting him.
Taesan.. has been normal for the whole week as well. In classes, he’s fine, still talking to Leehan and giving him half of his bun on some mornings. He still acts the same and it’s freaking Leehan out a little.
To calm his nerves, at least after the gruelling study session he just had, Leehan had gone into the park a few blocks from his home to think. It’s all he does these days.
The lamp posts are the only source of warm light which leads Leehan to the swings, and there’s a chill in the air which makes him burrow further into his hoodie.
Leehan sighs as he sits down on the swings. It makes a painful screech, but he ignores it.
There’s no one around, the sun had fully set hours ago, but the quiet feeling of being surrounded by nature makes him feel more calmer than his bedroom.
He takes a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air around him. He needs to think.
Once Leehan had put the letter in Taesan’s locker, there was no turning back. And he’s someone who always stands by what he says, no matter what, so he has to go through with whatever the answer is.
Even if Taesan tells him no and that he should never talk to him again, he’ll reluctantly follow (he doubts this will actually happen, but..anxiety.)
Leehan groans. It’s supposed to be cathartic but it just gives him even more stress than what he thought was possible. Leehan is seriously considering living life as a recluse, maybe running off back to Busan and swimming in the blue ocean every day, when someone places their hand on Leehan’s shoulder.
Obviously, he gasps, because it’s 11pm and he thought he was by himself in this dark park, and the first thought that flashes into his mind is that he’s being kidnapped, but whoever grabbed his shoulder swings him around so he faces them.
Oh. It’s just Taesan.
Wait, fuck.
He’s clad in all black, a hoodie and sweats, and he’s tilting his head at Leehan like he doesn’t even believe he’s in front of him right now. Also, for once, Leehans heart is pounding in front of Taesan for an entirely different reason (fear).
Leehan blinks at him for a second before clearing his throat. “Hi.”
“What are you doing here?” Taesan asks, straightforward as ever. Even under the minimal light, Leehan can see the tiny grin on his face, like a cat. Everything he does is like a cat. “Also, I didn’t know you wore glasses.”
Ah. Leehan feels slightly self conscious now, pushing up the black frames up his nose. “I got them last year.. I wear them after I take my contacts out. And I just wanted to sit and think for a second.”
Taesan lets out a laugh which sounds like hah, making Leehan scrunch his nose at him. “It’s cute. You look like a nerd.”
For a second, they just stay there, letting the slight breeze come over them. Leehan kicks his feet at the ground, scuffing the asphalt with his slide, as Taesan just continues to just stare at him with an unreadable expression on his face. It’s a bit unnerving, but that’s just Taesan.
“What are you doing here, though, Taesan?”
“Same as you. But you’re in my usual spot.”
Leehan rolls his eyes at him. “I’m not moving.”
“Fine,” Taesan grins at him again. Then, he moves forward, and grabs Leehan’s arm from where he’s stuffed his hands into his pockets to battle the cold night air. He drags Leehan from the swing seat, which rattles behind him. “Let’s get something to eat.”
And, in probably one of the extremely rare displays of physical affection from Han Taesan of all people, he slides his arm in Leehan’s, dragging him to the other side of the park.
The ground crunches underneath their feet. Of course, Leehan just lets Taesan drag him to wherever he wants to (Leehan’s not one to complain anyway), and this sudden contact is.. warm. So it’s nice.
They don’t speak much as they trudge along the pebbled path, just Leehan humming a little tune.
Across the street, there are a few stalls and a convenience store still open, its warm light making any passerby want to come in to escape the chilly outside.
“There’s this nice bungeoppang stall,” Taesan says, as they wait for the light to turn green. “My favourite. They stay open until midnight.”
Leehan hums. “I.. like bungeoppang.”
“Because they look like fish?” Taesan nudges him with his shoulder, before the light flashes green and they both jog along the crossing, arms still linked. Leehan can only giggle in response.
The person manning the stall was a grandmother, by the looks of it, wiping the tables and seats which surrounded her little cart. She smiled at the both of them when they approached her, hair tousled and cheeks and nose flushed from the cold.
“Hi, halmeoni, can we have a bag of the small ones?” Taesan asks, removing his arm from Leehan’s to grab his wallet. Leehan mourns the loss of warmth from the contact they just had. Yet, his heart felt like it was on fire.
“Red bean or custard filling?”
Taesan’s eyes flickered over to Leehan, who was staring at the case of freshly made bungeoppang with stars in his eyes.
Red bean? He mouthed at Leehan, and Leehan seriously felt like he just fell for Taesan a second time at that moment. He smiles and nods back, and Taesan continues his conversation.
His chest felt so warm, it was really the small things that made Leehan truly appreciate Taesan. Not just in his slightly self-indulging way as a crush, but just as someone he’s been close to for a long time. Leehan could barely wipe the smile off of his face as Taesan sits down in the plastic chair next to him.
There’s a small heater next to them, and they’re the only ones sitting down. Taesan has a bag of the small bungeoppang, and lets Leehan choose the first one to eat.
They’re warm, and the red bean filling is sweet. Leehan hums as he chews on the snack. “It’s nice.”
“Of course it is,” Taesan grins. “Anyways. Leehan. I’m in this dilemma.”
Leehan stops chewing for a second to stare at Taesan, wondering what the hell he could be talking about.
Taesan puffs out a sigh. It’s so cold outside that his breath turns into smoke.
He’s staring down at the bag of bungeoppang he’s holding, his bangs falling into his eyes so Leehan can barely see them. Obviously, he’s in deep thought, and so Leehan decides to stay quiet to let Taesan collect his thoughts and tell Leehan when he’s done. It’s just how Taesan operates.
Sometimes Leehan feels as if the connection between him and Taesan really is something which feels special between the two of them — like half of the time, they don’t need to speak for them to be thinking or feeling the same thing. They can just give each other a look, a subtle eyebrow raise or nose scrunch, and they just know what the other person wants to say.
Leehan really treasures that. He hopes they can be close like this forever, but sometimes he feels as if his thoughts are too.. wishful. As if they’re not tangible, or realistic, and he has his head in the clouds because bonds like these can be fleeting.
But he doesn’t doubt Taesan. He trusts him fully. With his heart and mind, and everything in between. He can only hope that Taesan feels the same way.
Taesan turns towards him slowly, blinking like a cat. He still hasn’t touched a bungeoppang, so Leehan picks one out of the bag and waves it in front of his face like a treat. Taesan rolls his eyes, but takes it anyway, and the soft crunch of his bite is audible.
“I’m scared.” Taesan lets out a dry laugh. “Of the letter.”
He’s staring at the bungeoppang in his hand, half eaten. Clearly in deep thought, as he’s not even facing Leehan as he speaks. Leehan doesn’t know what to do, but he automatically feels his hand reach up to pat Taesan on the shoulder. A weak attempt at comfort, but Leehan doesn’t feel right either, obviously — Taesan is talking about him.
“It’s.. scary. I’m scared. The person says they want to meet up, and I’m totally down for it. But..” He lets the words linger in the air for a second, deep in thought. “What if it’s not the person I want it to be? I don’t want to disappoint them. Or myself, for that matter.”
That’s.. a lot. Leehan is increasingly aware of the fact that Taesan actually likes someone, and seems to be in genuine distress over it, just like him.
What Taesan doesn’t know is that the person he’s referring to is sitting right next to him, patting his shoulder in a weak attempt of comfort.
Leehan realises he’s actually supposed to say something now, with Taesan gnawing on his lip next to him. God, he must be really worked up about this.
He gives Taesan’s shoulder a little squeeze. “I don’t think you should worry about things that haven’t happened yet, Taesan-ah. Or else you’ll be here all night worrying. Take the leap, and if it goes wrong, well.. I’ll be here.”
Taesan hums. “I guess so,” he says quietly, staring down at the bag again. “But.. is it selfish of me to want it to be the person I like there? I don’t want to let someone down.”
“Well…” Leehan pauses. “I guess not. I mean, it’s not bad to want something.. right? Who..do you want there?”
His heart is fluttering again, the butterflies growing stronger as Taesan fully turns towards him. Taesan doesn’t say anything, but it feels like he’s staring into Leehan, as if trying to find whatever answer he’s looking for in Leehan’s heart and soul.
Leehan doesn't know if he has the answer.
A shiver goes down his spine, and for probably the first time ever, he’s the one who breaks eye contact first.
“It’s a secret, Han-ah,” Taesan says casually, popping a small bungeoppang in his mouth. “Can’t say.”
“You are really annoying sometimes, you know,” Leehan huffs. “But whatever. You can have your secrets, and I’ll have mine. Let’s just eat the bungeoppang.”
Taesan laughs, and lets Leehan take another out of the bag in his hand. Despite the night chill which only becomes colder as they continue to eat, Leehan finds himself not minding the cold, as he giggles along to Taesan’s chatter next to the bungeoppang stall. For once, his mind is calm, and he feels himself not stressing over anything when he’s with Taesan.
Hi,
If you’re down, I’m down~ We can meet in front of the cafeteria after school today.
I’m a bit nervous about this, so don’t worry if I’m extra quiet or shy when this whole thing happens. I have never had something remotely similar happen to me before.. ㅠㅠ it’s a bit nerve-wracking, but I’m sure you’ll feel the same.
See you after school.
Taesan <3
It’s pouring down with rain again.
Buckets of it, splashing down so loud Leehan can barely hear anything around himself, much less his own thoughts. He’s busy dodging puddles on the ground, trying not to get his shoes or socks wet as he heads in the direction of the cafeteria.
Luckily, he’s equipped with an umbrella, a bright yellow one which sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the black and grey ones of his fellow classmates.
Despite the conversation he had with Taesan last night, he still let out a little gasp upon seeing the envelope in the spare locker, attached with another bag of gummies.
He spent the whole day completely nervous. He could barely eat lunch, sitting with Taesan who seemed normal — at least for him, there was nothing completely out of the ordinary. In class, he was shaking his leg the entire time to get rid of the anxious energy which bubbled underneath his skin, the fact that later he has to face his own feelings, and let it out to his crush and longtime friend, who was also dozing off next to him. Easy.
They didn’t have the last class together, as it was an elective, so now Leehan is alone in heading over to the cafeteria. He hopes his hair hasn’t puffed up like a lion from the rain’s humidity. It seems fine when he checks his appearance in his phone camera, so Leehan quickly takes a few deep breaths to actually calm down.
Obviously, there’s no one in front of the cafeteria. He’s sitting under one of the pavilions, which give some shelter from the sheets of rain mercilessly falling down.
He can’t calm down, despite his meagre attempts to. His heart is pouncing, almost louder than the rain, hitting the roof so hard it sounds like bullets. His hands are trembling as he pulls the small, and hopefully, final letter from where it’s kept safe in the inner pocket of his blazer.
“Leehan?”
There’s a shuffle in front of him, and he looks up to see Taesan, standing there frozen. He’s still caught in the rain, but he’s rooted to the spot, letting it fall on him as he gaped at just Leehan being the only one here. His hair and blazer were getting wet, so Leehan quickly got up to grab his hand and drag him inside where it’s dry.
His hand is warm and soft. Despite everything, Leehan gives Taesan a small smile, even though Taesan’s jaw is practically on the floor right now.
“Um,” Leehan puffs out his cheeks. He’s never done this before. “Hi.”
Taesan manages to get out of the daze he was in quickly, but he’s still staring at Leehan in disbelief. “Are you…”
This whole situation is so funny that Leehan has a hard time suppressing a giggle. He nods, taking Taesan’s hand and making his palm face upwards, much like he did when he gave Leehan half of his breakfast bun.
Taesan’s eyes are all wide, and he’s staring at Leehan with what really feels like stars in his eyes, as if he’s not believing what’s in front of him.
“I don’t know.. if I’m the person you wish was standing here right now..” Leehan says. The rain feels relentless right now, but Taesan is fully focused on him, and he can feel his ears glow. “But it was me the whole time.”
He hands Taesan the letter, and Taesan lets out an exhale as he slowly opens it. Leehan wasn’t expecting Taesan to actually say anything at how sudden and jarring this must be to him, but he hasn’t stormed out yet, so that’s a good sign.
Waiting for Taesan to finish reading the letter feels excruciating, but Leehan tries to stay calm, allowing the therapeutic sound of the rain to wash over him.
Taesan~
Are you surprised it’s me?
To be honest, I’ve liked you for a really long time. I can’t remember when I started feeling this way, but it’s been so long that I don’t know what it’s like to not like you.
I like everything about you. I like how on the outside you seem cold to people who don’t know you, but when they do, they realise how kind and caring you are to the people around you. It’s shown so subtly that not many people notice, but I do.
I like how you always remember small things about me, like the filling of bungeoppang I always get, and how I don’t eat breakfast, so you give me half of yours.
I like how cute you are, how your eyes scrunch up when you’re happy, how you cover your mouth when you laugh, how you puff your cheeks out when you’re in deep thought.
Sometimes I feel like we have a connection and bond that not many other people have. Even with just a glance, we can tell what the other person is thinking without explicitly saying it out loud. I really like that about us, how we just get each other and always have been, and hopefully always will.
I appreciate you a lot, Taesan. We’re not the type to be so outward with expressing our emotions, but I can feel how much you care about me, and I hope you can feel how much I care about you too.
I’m sorry for not expressing this sooner, but I didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardise our friendship and bond we’ve built for so long. But now, I need to get it out, because I can’t keep feeling these emotions brewing in me for much longer. I was too scared to tell you outright, so I decided to write letters instead..
No matter your response or reaction, I hope this doesn’t get in the way of us. I appreciate and care for you so much more than I can express through words.
Leehan <3
It takes a while for Taesan to finish reading the letter. He keeps rereading parts of it, Leehan assumes, and his face remains scarily blank. It’s weird not to see any expression on Taesan’s face.
Finally, Taesan raises his head to look at him.
Both hands are still holding onto the letter, but he’s staring at Leehan, who thinks his heart is about to fly out of chest at the rate it’s going. It’s so loud. The rain is louder, but his pulse is almost reaching his ears.
“I can’t believe I didn’t recognise your handwriting sooner,” is what Taesan first says, staring down at the paper as if looking for a confirmation of what he’s seeing in front of him. Leehan can barely breathe right now, his breaths coming out in tiny, shallow puffs of air. But he continues to look at Taesan, just to see anything regarding.. how he feels. What he feels.
He’s waited for years, he can wait a little more.
There’s a smile on his face when he looks back at Leehan, and even in the dim light, Leehan can see the shine in his eyes.
His smile is so big, and it’s so heart wrenchingly cute that Leehan physically feels his chest squeeze at the sight of seeing Taesan this happy, and showing it so abashedly.
“Leehan,” Taesan keeps looking between Leehan, who’s chewing on his lip in pure anxiety, and his letter. “It was you.”
“Yes,” Leehan manages to breathe out. “I.. I was too scared. I was a coward. But.. despite me not being able to say it directly, it doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t real. I like you, Han Taesan.”
As Leehan spoke, Taesan’s face had morphed into something akin to shock. His mouth had parted slightly in the way it does when he’s met with something confronting and out of the blue, as Leehan nervously rambles on, feeling like he’s under a microscope — every part of him being exposed to Taesan, which is true, because he opened up his heart for the first time for him.
Leehan lets out a small sigh. “I understand if you’re.. well, scared, maybe, or a bit weirded out. Sometimes my feelings felt so big that it scared me sometimes, which is why I have to let them out. If you want to pretend like none of this happened, I understand. I’ll just- oh.”
The air is completely knocked out of his chest as Taesan basically throws himself at Leehan, wrapping his arms so gently behind his back. He’s really warm, a contrast against the slightly cold weather from the rain outside the pavilion.
They’re not the type of friends to hug. They’re not the most physically affectionate, especially out of their friend group, and so this feels.. different. Not weird or strange, because it wasn’t a bad thing, but something different. And Leehan really doesn’t mind it so much, especially since he never knew how much he wanted physical affection like this from Taesan.
For a second, Leehan is frozen, arms stuck to his sides. But, like an ice statue, Taesan makes him melt, and he feels himself raising his arms to return the hug, patting Taesan on the back gently. Leehan tucks his chin onto Taesan’s shoulder, still in disbelief right now, but this feels like.. a good sign.
He finally lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. Taesan laughs, and he can feel Taesan’s chest rising and falling against his.
“Your heart is so fast, Kim Leehan,” Taesan says quietly. Leehan feels his cheeks turn pink from embarrassment, even though it’s just him and Taesan together right now.
“Shut up,” he mumbles.
Taesan just laughs again.
“For the record, you were the one I hoped would be here. I like you too, dummy.”
Leehan pulls apart from Taesan, still holding onto his arms. He slowly blinks at Taesan, who’s grinning at him, his own ears slightly pink at the tips too.
It’s cute how shy the both of them are.
“Really?” Leehan can’t wipe the smile off of his face even if he tried to. He really is so happy.
“I’ve liked you for a long time too, you know..” Taesan looks down, avoiding Leehan’s gaze. The rain muffles his next words, but Leehan basically has sonar hearing for Taesan and his naturally soft spoken self.
“I wanted it to be you from the start. I didn’t know who else it would’ve been, since I tried to deduct it from the little clues you gave, and I honestly don’t talk to many people. The clues fit you well, but I didn’t want to get too excited in case it really was someone else and I mixed up all the signals. But now..”
He peers up, his eyes peeking through his bangs as if Leehan was a mirage who had suddenly appeared out of thin air. Leehan wanted to reach out and brush his hair to the side, to see his eyes clearer, but he decided to hold back. For now.
Taesan smiles. “It’s you. It was always you. And I’ve never been more happy to know you feel the same way I’ve always felt.”
Something akin to fireworks explodes in Leehan’s chest, like hundreds of them going off as it finally dawns on him that Taesan likes him back. And that he wanted it to be Leehan.
His efforts weren’t so futile after all. Leehan could finally breathe properly, letting out a massive exhale.
Taesan reaches up to gently pat Leehan on the head, and Leehan just smiles. Taesan is cute, and his hand is warm. “This is so cute. We’re both so silly, but it’s okay.”
Around them, the rain still persists. They both don’t care. Leehan doesn’t think it’s bothered them at all. Maybe it was like a blanket around them, creating this little space where they feel so disconnected from the outside world, wrapped in each other’s presence. The rain was like a barrier.
Leehan reaches up to take Taesan’s hand into his. He wraps both of his hands over his one hand, making Taesan look at him in his eyes.
“So.. what do we do now? What are we now?”
Taesan smiles at him, but it’s more unsure now. It’s smaller, but he still looks in Leehan’s eyes. “I don’t know, Leehan. I.. wasn’t expecting this today. Let’s take it slow for now.”
“Yes,” Leehan’s smile back makes Taesan look more sure now. “I don’t mind at all. I’m just happy you’re here.”
He avoids Leehan’s gaze now, and Leehan sees a flash of flushed cheeks before Taesan takes his hand out of Leehan’s hold to cover his face with them. “You’re cheesy,” he says, voice muffled.
Out of pure joy, Leehan laughs, his own laugh which squeaks a little when he gets especially excited. Leehan leans forward again to hug Taesan, his chest feeling so warm that he hopes it seeps into Taesan and warms him up as well. Everything feels as if it’s buzzing, and as Leehan wraps his hands around Taesan, he feels as if everything has settled, and the best outcome has happened.
Leehan doesn’t know what he did in his past life to experience this now, but maybe the years of pining and distress over it being one-sided has finally paid off.
He’s happy.
Truly happy, as he breathes in the warm, slightly musky scent of Taesan’s perfume, and feels Taesan pat the back of his head.
They don’t say anything now, but there’s no need to, especially when they can basically guess what the other person is thinking or feeling at that time. But one thing rings around Leehan’s head, more persistent than the sheets of rain pelting down outside of the small shelter they’re under.
I did it.
Epilogue
“How long did you like me for?”
Taesan stares down at Leehan in his hap, brushing his hair with his fingers absentmindedly. For once, Leehan’s the one who feels like a cat. He raises an eyebrow, but continues on with smoothing the top of Leehan’s head.
“Hmm.. I’m not sure. For a long time, too, but not as long as you.”
Leehan refrains from rolling his eyes at Taesan’s light jab at him.
They’re somewhere secluded, somewhere tucked away in one of the parks nearby Taesan’s place – shaded by massive trees, where the sunlight still shines through the spaces in between the leaves. It’s all green and warm, and the rainy weather had finally subsided, enough for Leehan to drag Taesan out on an impromptu picnic to soak up all the warm sun and clear skies that finally came.
Taesan had prepared some small dishes – tteokbokki, and some fruit, and Leehan had brought drinks and snacks. They ate most of their food, leaving just the basket Leehan had put everything in next to them on the checkered pattern mat they’re sitting on right now. They might go for ice cream later, or they might walk around again, or they might just go back and take a nap on Taesan’s bed.
It doesn’t matter much. Leehan’s just happy to be with Taesan.
It’s just them two, which is exactly what Leehan wanted. As much as he loves his other friends, recently he only wants to hang out with Taesan. By themselves.
It’s been months ever since the confession, accompanied with the rainfall which feels like something straight out of a k-drama. Somehow, it still feels like there’s electricity coursing through his veins everyday he does as much as spare Taesan a glance. It’s honestly trippy as hell, and Leehan wonders if it ever actually ends, but for now, he’s gonna take everything with both hands. He’s finally gotten what he wants, and so, he’s gonna live life happily from now on (says the melodramatic high schooler, but Leehan is an optimist).
They’re still the same at school. They still sit next to each other in class, and Taesan still gives Leehan half of his breakfast, and they still sit together to study.
It’s just more. Something more thrilling.
Where they can sit together, and share the same earbuds while studying, cooped up in the back of the library. Or when they hide out on the rooftop of Taesan’s apartment under the stars, sharing a blanket and talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
He sees Taesan continuing to look at him, eyes warm and brown like honey, and Leehan figures he has to respond to him. “We really procrastinated this, huh?”
“You tell me,” Taesan said, giving Leehan’s waist a poke to make him squirm. “We’re kind of stupid for not knowing earlier, huh?”
“Come on, says the guy who never shows his emotions to me,” Leehan pouts, staring at the sky. The bright blue is apparent through the leaves. “Up until recently, we hugged, like, twice.”
It’s funny how much more they learn about each other once they become a couple. Like how physically clingy Taesan actually is when he wants it, and he usually is the one clinging onto Leehan like a sloth when no one’s around. Not that anyone complains, and Leehan is definitely happy to do so.
Taesan uses one hand to squeeze Leehan’s face, making him unable to speak. He has a cat-like grin on his face. “My bad.”
Leehan manages to wrangle out of Taesan’s grip on his face, and finally gets up from Taesan’s lap. He smiles at Taesan, bumping their shoulders together.
Out in the distance, he can see these two siblings playing together on the playground. The youngest one, a boy, was preparing to go down the slide, meanwhile his older sister was going to push him down. They couldn’t have been older than 10, but they remind Leehan of himself and his sister back then, before his sister had left for university.
They’re young.
Leehan was around that age when he met Taesan, all scrubby knees and still being cat-like at that age, and he was drawn instantly. Obviously, he didn’t know what any of these feelings meant, a flurry brewing in his chest which only grew the older he got, but he knew Taesan was special to him.
Something to not let go.
“It’s okay, we have time now,” Leehan hums. “All the time in the world.”