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Steve leaving back to the forties and coming back 70 years older with a wedding band on his ring finger was like a punch to the lungs.
It quite literally was a punch to the lungs.
Thick crimson splattered across Bucky's palm, in the deep red rested a delicate petal. A beautiful white petal, freshly plucked with the aroma strong enough fill a room with the sweet scent. Of course Bucky knew what this meant, and to be fair he wasn't surprised. If anything a little relieved. He's lingered around this earth for much longer than anyone anticipated.
And without Steve, what was the point? This had to be the end of line.
With a content sigh Bucky carefully removed the petal from his blood soaked hand and gently preserved it in his notebook. The one he used to give him that push to jog his memory, even though he knew he could never forget this.
With the recent events everyone was pretty much out of it. Everyone separating to deal with their grief and loss in their own ways. And with Steve retired and gone; Bucky of course had no one to help include him in activities. So, Bucky drifted. He was like a ghost. He was there one second then gone the other. It wasn't like anyone really acknowledged his absence, he didn't really have relationships past Steve, Nat, and maybe Sam. And he was too guilty too see Steve again in his current situation.
Bucky tried to travel to clear his mind, but he ended up back in Brooklyn anyways. Which could've been the worst possible idea Bucky's came up with. Everything reminded him of Steve, and being reminded of Steve, reminded the roots of a certain flower to continue to attempt to suffocate him. As the days continued in a relentless blur he studied the flowers more closely.
He still hadn't hacked up a full flower but the petals were started to come up in connected pairs. That's when he knew they were lily petals, a flower to represent purity. Which made Bucky chuckle to himself. Bucky was anything but pure, the amount of blood soaking his hands could fill the seven seas. Steve was pure though. He had unfiltered kindness and a heart big enough to fit the whole world. A sense of determination to help the little guy. It's what caused Bucky to fall in love anyways.
Meeting him in the streets of Brooklyn as a kid was Bucky's first introduction to true, pure, unconditional kindness. A light in Bucky's life that he knew would never go out, not with Steve's undivided attention on the idea of helping those in need.
Some days were worse than others, some days he could distract himself with manual labor jobs he could do without trying, and others he would just sit and mope. Those days were the worst, they were the days where Bucky could feel. He could feel the ache in his chest, the tickle in his throat, and the relentless thoughts in his head. He was restless those days, just curled in on himself and the useless feeling lingering in his body.
It hurt too much to think, it hurt his head and it made his chest hurt. He could feel the flower selfishly making their way deeper into his body. He felt consumed by the sensation.
Another thing was, he was completely ignoring Sam's calls and texts so it wasn't a complete shock when he heard knocking on his door. The knocking was more like banging if we were being completely accurate.
Bucky considered on ignoring it, there was no way Sam would even know he was home. Bucky made sure of that, he was more anxious. He watched his movement carefully but to admit it he had become more sloppy with the illness becoming worse and worse. If you looked hard enough you could see remnants of petals swept under his furniture.
"Open the door, Buck. I know you're there." He heard Sam's booming voice from the other side of the door.
He reluctantly opened it. "Don't call me that."
"There you are, started to think you died," Sam chuckled. "That's what you start to assume when people start completely ignoring you by the way."
Sam pushed his way past Bucky into his shitty apartment. Taking a good look at the complete wreck his apartment was, then back at Bucky, who was just staring at him.
"What do you want, Sam." It came out more harsh than Bucky meant it to. His voice was hoarse like he hasn't spoken in days which also didn't help.
A soft look filled Sam's gaze. Bucky couldn't decipher if it was pity or something else.
"Look, man. I haven't heard from you in weeks. And I show up to your apartment and to be completely honest, you look like shit and so does your apartment so I came to check up on you and to deliver message."
"Message about what?"
"I don't know if I should tell you. You look pretty rough." Sam muttered the last part under his breath, causing Bucky to scoff and cross his arms.
Sam in his own way looked pretty rough too, you could see it in his eyes. A look of regret and maybe some shame. Bucky knew no matter what, this information must be important for Sam to hunt him down over a few missed calls.
"Just tell me." Bucky said, a little softer this time. His face relaxing in hopes of convincing Sam to just spit out whatever is holding him hostage.
"Steve wants to talk to you."
That's when Bucky felt it, a sensation in his throat. A feeling Bucky couldn't shake out, one he couldn't describe but something close to feeling choked. He felt pathetic as he swayed and ultimately found his way sliding against the nearest wall. His vision blurry as he choked up something soft. That something falling to the floor with a splatter of mucus and blood surrounding it. His eyes still burning and a ringing taking place in his ears when he hears Sam yelling out to him.
"Bucky, what the fuck just happened? Did you just cough up a flower?" His voice wavering as he made his way towards Bucky, with shaking hands he cradled his face looking into his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Sam." Bucky's own voice betraying him, "I-I didn't want you to see this."
The apartment was quit for a moment. Sam was quietly watching him, taking in his broken form. He tell that Bucky was a shell of the man he once was. Listening to his labored breaths while assessing him again. His hair was long and tangled, wavy in a way he hasn't seen since the battle. His eyes were closed but Sam already knew they were bloodshot. Taking in his face was hard for Sam. The crease on his forehead and the dark circles under his eyes showed the ache Bucky carries with him. Bucky lost a lot of weight, a lot of muscle. He looked completely different from the airport fight and Wakanda.
Sam sighed, "I'm gonna take you to Wakanda to get assessed by Shuri or someone there. You can't go through this alone." It was quiet for a moment, "It's Steve, right?"
"Yeah." Bucky groaned.
If it weren't for the unusual circumstances, Bucky would've loved to be back in Wakanda. It was like his second home, a peace familiar like in the 30's. Sam seemed anxious the whole way there. He was extremely worried, Bucky couldn't understand it at first but he realized that Sam was all Bucky had left and quickly understood his worries.
Bucky already knew his options, Wakanda might be extremely progressive with their medical knowledge and their technological advancements but nothing could change his options. Die with his love close to his heart, or forget his love completely and live as long as he could peacefully. To Bucky it didn't really matter, Steve was gone anyways it would be a waste of resources anyways, Steve wasn't coming back. He could die with the memory and his love of his best friend or, "forget the man who hurt him and left him in the dust," as Sam put it.
It was easy to see that Sam was frustrated and upset with Steve and his choices, Bucky just couldn't understand why it mattered to him. He was just tired, just wanted the pain to stop. He wanted to be able to breathe again without feeling the guilt bubble up in his stomach. He tried to keep that rough and sheltered facade up to cover him but he was just so tired. Just the thought of Steve made his heart ache and tug like it was being restrained.
The love he felt for Steve was immense, it was insane how his body could hold so much love for a man. In his eyes he could do no wrong. In Bucky's eyes he could understand and sympathize with the fact that Steve deserved to be a little selfish after all this time. Especially with how much he's sacrificed for Bucky. And couldn't be upset that Steve didn't love him back like that, it wasn't up to Bucky. But Steve always had a different look in his eyes when it came to Peggy, he could see it when they were younger and he could see it when Steve would go on his visits to check up on the poor woman. So, no. Bucky couldn't blame him for his decision at all, and even with this understanding he couldn't rid the guilt that followed him for feeling just a tad bit angry at Steve.
"You never did completely tell me what Steve wanted to talk about." Bucky broke the silence, still looking at Sam intensely.
"Are you gonna cough up a tree if I tell you?" Sam ridiculed, trying to make light out of the situation.
Bucky chuckled, "Shut up, before I throw up a rose bush on your cashmere sweater."
"He just wanted to ask why you've been avoiding him like the plague. I think he feels guilty." Sam said, a sad look in his eyes. Of course, like clockwork Bucky coughed up a pair of petals. "Woah, man, you good?"
"Fine." And Bucky saw that look in Sam's eyes again.
Shuri consumed Bucky into a gentle hug as soon as he got off the plane.
"I was hoping to see you under better circumstances, Sergeant Barnes." Shuri muttered into his chest.
"Yeah, me too, Shuri.” Bucky patted her back.
“It is nice to see you as well, Mr. Wilson. You can finally see Wakanda without war on your mind.” Sam nodded along as Shuri said her welcome. “Let us exam you, Sergeant.”
“Bucky.”
“Alright, Bucky. Follow me.”
The walk to the lab was mostly quiet, Bucky assumed everyone knew why he was here. It was a mournful silence. Like everyone knew his days were numbered as he walked past. It was a feeling that was gnawing at his chest but it was a feeling Bucky was comfortable with. He felt the same feeling before going back into the chair or the ice again. He knew it was different but it felt the same. Bucky still hated the exam room, he hated it. And Bucky doesn’t carry a lot of hate. At least not anymore.
He sat on the table and waiting for Shuri to get started, he could feel Sam’s eyes watching him. The look alone made Bucky wish he could run away. It wasn’t a look of sadness, but a look of pity. And Bucky was figuring out that that look was something else he hated.
Shuri examined his chest more than anything else, she had a stethoscope and an X-ray room ready to go. And when the X-rays came back, Bucky held his breath. He knew it would be bad, but not this bad.
"I don't understand." Bucky muttered, rubbing his hands together uncomfortably, "The cough didn't start that long ago-why has it spread so fast?"
You could see the roots sinking deadly close to his lungs, close to puncturing them. The flowers, there were a couple, maybe six left at most. Bucky couldn't really tell.
"I've never gotten a chance to see this disease up close, so I can only theorize. Apologies for being blunt but, with the sudden rejection it must've sped up the process by a couple weeks it seems. You should've been dead days ago but the serum has been actively slowing down the process." Shuri explained, a sad look in her eyes too. They started to look like Sam's. "I assume you already know your options, take them into serious thought. If you choose the surgery we must get started right away."
The door softly clicked as Shuri left the room. The atmosphere was already heavy due to Sam's silence. He sat silently in the corner of the room, arms crossed and his face twisted in emotion.
"I'm not gonna let this kill you, Buck."
Bucky would've usually thrown a fit over Sam calling him Buck, his argument being, "It's meant for Steve" didn't really make sense anymore anyways.
"That's not your choice to make." Bucky continued to avoid eye contact. Sam stood up.
"It's not mine, but it's not just yours either." Sam sneered, a betrayed look in his eyes. "What about your progress? Huh? What about all the time the people here in Wakanda spent to erase that part of you. What about Steve?"
"Wow, you're really going to guilt-trip me right now, Sam? It's my life!" Bucky groaned, then, Bucky felt it. The thick petals making it's way up his throat again, the same suffocating feeling in his chest. He swallowed it down. "You're not going to let have a choice again?"
The room was silent again. It wasn't awkward, just heavy.
"I can't let you make this choice," Sam whispered, his voice heavy with emotion, but Sam knew Bucky was right in the end. "there are people who are gonna miss you, Buck. You're important to a lot of people."
"Who, Sam? I have no one left. Steve left. My family is dead. I have no one left to mourn me, Sam."
"Me! Bucky, you have me! I'll miss you, Buck. I will." Sam exclaimed, his voice betraying him towards he end. He was breaking. Other than Sarah and the boys, Bucky was really his only friend left who understood him, who knew him.
A sense of confusion washed over Bucky. It didn't last long, he was already coughing up his insides. White petals flowed out his mouth like a stream, some not even white anymore. Some coated with so much blood you could assume they were red from the beginning. The blood from the petals covered Bucky hands. It was the last thing he could see before Bucky's eyes watered so much he couldn't see. He was so confused. His chest hurt, a pain he hadn't felt before. An ache in his chest but also relief. Like he's been waiting for this for a lifetime.
It was a blur, he could hear Sam yelling but the sound of it was battling with the ringing in his ears. The ringing won, completely overtaking him.
"G-Give me the... Give me-" Was all Bucky could mutter out to Sam before he started heaving, he couldn't breathe. It happened so fast, but he couldn't understand what. Surgery. Surgery. It was the only word he could think of. It was so confusing. He felt like he was running out of time, there was no time. He couldn't-
And then there were hands everywhere, but then there was white.
It was a sunny day like no other, the sky was bright and the clouds were fluffy. It was a sky Bucky didn't think he'd ever see again. But he's there, sat on the porch of Sam sister, Sarah's house in Delacroix, Louisiana.
It had been around a year since Bucky's confusing wake in Wakanda. It was something he couldn't wrap his head around, Sam told him he needed emergency surgery on his lungs which didn't make sense. The serum usually took care of things like broken bones fixed in hours, cuts healed in minutes, or bruises healed in seconds. If Bucky thought hard enough there were a lot of things he didn't remember. He didn't remember exactly meeting Sam or his life before Hydra. He mostly chalked it up to some unrepairable damage Hydra caused.
Hydra haunted him everyday. The Winter Soldier haunted him everyday. And the fact he doesn't know what broke him out of that state haunts him everyday. But he was here, in Louisiana, enjoying some peace. Real peace, unlike Wakanda. It was a different kind, a more domestic feel. Sam's family accepted him and loved him as their own. Sarah's boys loved him and asked him countless questions. They showed him even more interesting things about the current timeline. Sarah was as sweet as honey, a real genuine woman. She helped Bucky heal from his surgery and always provided kind and helpful insight on different things. And Sam, Sam was a gift. Bucky could distantly remember their unfriendly banter from years ago, its all mixed into a blur. Now they still had their arguments but things were more kinder, more softer. Sam was his best friend. His only best friend.
Bucky sat on Sarah's porch, sipping on fresh sweet tea (the kind that rots your teeth due to the amount of sugar). He sat there for a hours at a time reminiscing on things he can't quite understand. He has been out of Hydra grasps for years but he was still dealing with fuzzy memories, but only random ones. He remembers every victims face, every man, woman, or child he's killed, but he can't remember 2014.
Sam often had visitors being Captain America. Though Bucky didn't know the previous one, Sam takes it very seriously. It was a serious business being a superhero and all. Bucky didn't know much about superheros. Sure, he knew about Ironman or Thor. He remembers them. They're like a distant memory, he remembers fighting with them against Thanos and such but only snippets. So for a car to pull up in Sarah's driveway unannounced it wasn't a crazy thing. It might be for the boys, maybe they were going out. Bucky didn't know. He saw an unfamiliar face as the car pulled up, he didn't question it but he got up and went to grab Sam.
"Sam! Someone's outside!" Bucky yelled through the house, his foot steps heavy as he stepped inside.
Sam and Sarah were cutting up lemons and a variety of fruits and vegetables in the kitchen, Bucky assumed they were for Sarah's business.
"Alright, I'm coming, Buck!" Sam yelled from the kitchen and the sound of the sink running through the pipes echoed throughout the house. Sam was quick towards the front door, flicking his wet hands at Bucky causing him to groan at the water hitting his face making Sam chuckle. Sam opened the door and his face dropped, Bucky couldn't see it but he could sense the tension from behind him. The way Sam's posture straightened and his jaw clenched.
"You're not supposed to be here, Steve. How'd you even get here?" Sam asked, his tone hiding a slight irritation. Bucky looked over his shoulder to see an elderly man leaning against the car he saw pull up into the driveway.
"I'm here to see Bucky. It's been what, a year and a half? I'm done with h-his hiding, Sam, I need to see him and properly apologize." The voice, Steve, called from his car.
"You've always been stubborn, huh, Steve. He doesn't wanna see you." Sam grumbled something under his breath.
Bucky poked Sam's back and whispered, "Hey, who is that. I wanna see him."
"No, you do not wanna see him, Buck." Sam whispered back.
"I wanna see who it is! Do I know them?" Bucky pressed on, their bickering causing Sam's mouth to have a slight upturn.
"I'm serious, you do not wanna see this guy." Sam groaned.
They continued to go back and forth until Sam moved and Bucky side was exposed to the open front door. A small gasp was heard from the mysterious man by the car causing Sam and Bucky to stop.
"Bucky?" The voice called out, his voice breathless laced with confusion and a bit of nostalgia. "You cut your hair again."
Bucky fully pushed past Sam to get a good look at the man. He couldn't seem to recognize him.
"Who the hell are you?" Bucky growled, confusion washed over his face.
A moment passed by, just silence. Bucky was confused, the man was had a pained look etched across his face, and Sam looked like he was going to explode.
Sam pushed past Bucky again, "This. This is why I told you not to come here. He doesn't remember you, Steve."
"What do you mean, Sam? Why doesn't he remember me, was it Hydra? It has to be Hydra." The mans voice cracking with hurt. Almost a tone of disbelief.
"Not Hydra, Steve. You. You did this to yourself." Sam sneered.
Steve didn't understand, neither did Bucky. "Sam, can you tell me what the hell is going on. Who is this, do I know him?"
Sam muttered something under this breathe before walking towards Steve again, motioning for him to come up onto the porch. Bucky stared with a watchful eye, carefully calculating what Steve could do in the short seconds he walked towards the front door. Sam pointed towards a chair for Steve to sit on and he pointed to the other one looking towards Bucky.
Now, Bucky sitting next to an old man who seems to obsessed with him by the way he's looking at him and aggravated Sam standing in front of him was not apart of Bucky's plans today but here he was. Steve couldn't seem to keep his eyes off Bucky, causing him to grow a bit insecure under his gaze, confusion eating him up by the second.
"This is gonna be something rough on both of you but I knew this was gonna happen one way or another." Sam took a deep breath, leaning against on the houses many pillars before beginning, "Steve, Bucky doesn't remember you because he got you surgically removed out of him."
"What?" Steve and Bucky both said in unison.
"Bucky, around 2 years when we got snapped back, you contracted Hanahaki. The flower disease." Sam took another breath before continuing, "You had those feelings for Steve. You were gonna let it kill you but you quickly changed your mind and requested the surgery that removed the flowers from your chest but.."
"Erasing him from my memory." Bucky continued, he was still so confused. He tried to ignore Steve's quiet sob, trying to block out the pitiful noise of an old mans cries.
"I told you, Steve. I told you not to come." Sam sighed, his eyes closing as he relaxed his nerves.
"Why-Why didn't you tell me, Buck? I thought it was you and me 'til the end of the line? It was always us," Steve cried out, Bucky still couldn't understand what the hell was happening.
"He didn't tell you cause you left him! You left him for woman who moved on, Steve. What was he supposed to do when you come back from a mission 50 years older and a fucking wedding band around your ring finger."
The silence was deafening. It almost hurt. Bucky didn't know what to do. He didn't even know this himself. Who was Steve? Were they close? If so, how close? Did he know about Hydra? So many questions ran through Bucky's head as he tried to come up with a response but came up empty. Bucky chewed on the inside of his cheek, the situation being extremely uncomfortable for him. Bucky abruptly got up and headed towards the door to see Sarah standing near the door, a sympathetic look consumed her face. She pulled Bucky into a hug. She left after a while, leaving Bucky sitting on the couch.
Bucky was in a daze, he didn't know anything about that man and he used to be in love with him?
Sam came back inside after Bucky heard the car drive off.
"I'm sorry, Bucky." Sam whispered, his face showing a troubled look.
Bucky offered a sad smile. "It's okay, I don't even know who that is.”