Work Text:
ARC ZERO: SPAM FOLDER
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Inefficient Delivery Services
To the people working at PET Delivery Services,
Why are my parcels and letters always late? I tried to buy parts for my creeper cloning machine but I’ve had to push back my plans of world domination because they didn’t arrive on time. This service is absolutely unacceptable. Please rectify this issue next time or I assure you, I will make your post office the center of my next evil plan.
Spitefully,
Doc. M
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: can you LOCK IN
mate every time i try to send a parcel it takes So Long. like i could have just walked to the address, had tea with the recipient, and murdered a guy and i’d still have been faster than your post?? at this rate i’d be saving myself five dollars if i just deliver my packages myself. you should be paying me for dealing with this.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Poor service
Dear Sir/Madam,
I don’t know what’s going on with your delivery services, and I don’t mean to pry, but “actively on fire” is not one of the stages my parcels should be going through. The delivery person who handed me my “slightly singed” parcels was also burnt. If you could please reinforce the past rule of deliveries and delivery people being mostly intact, that would be great.
Regards,
A Concerned Customer (ijevin)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: wowzers
hey bbg,,,
you looked really hot today when you dumped that parcel on my doorstep and kicked it out of rage. Can i have your number pretty please. hey you know what’s prettier than my please? yeah that’s right it’s you. pretty pet ;)
the ever lovely Gem
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Grand Re-re-reopening!!!
Dear Valued Customer,
We are pleased to announce that our establishment is offering several excellent deals this week on a variety of completely legal products. We would greatly appreciate your support as the success of our business will demonstrate that we are indeed a law-abiding shop and not, for example, a front for vigilante activities. Failure to do so may result in an indefinite amount of blood leaking out from the perfectly normal bullet hole in the back of your head.
Respectfully,
Owner of the Very Legal Shop Across the Road
ARC ONE: WORKPLACE COMEDY
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Customer Feedback
Pearl,
It has come to my attention that the mail services of this branch have been declining rapidly. I have received numerous complaints regarding both the timeliness and condition of deliveries, many of which have gone unanswered. This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Please respond with an explanation and a proposed solution at your earliest convenience.
Etho
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Customer Feedback
Etho,
I hope this email finds you well. Unlike ME.
Genuinely it is not !! My !! Fault !! Blame the stupid heroes and villains for always fighting at places where it’ll disrupt the mail. Do you know how many times i’ve tried to walk past these fights and gotten burnt/hurt/covered in radioactive goo? Way too many. This is not my fault nor the fault of any workers in the hermitopia branch of pet and i refuse to say otherwise. What do you want me to DO…
Regards,
Pearl
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
first of all stop ccing me in your emails i literally have nothing to do with this. im just the it guy. second of all i think maybe you can like. email the heroes and villains to stop fighting there and find a new place? idk ive never dealt with this before also please dont respond to this unless its for my Actual job re:it stuff
thanks, tango
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
Tango,
If you don’t help me with this i will fire you. This is a threat. You should find their headquarters and send them a bomb so i don’t have to deal with them for the next week.
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
okay bosswoman on it.
however i cant. i cant send bombs into their base pearl. that’s just mean. hotguys email is advertised wherever you get your anything though. i have a blurry photo of his email on the back of a cereal box. if you have ‘hotguy’s breakfast cereal’ his email should be there.
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
Tango,
With all due respect: what.
a) Please don’t send anyone bombs, and;
b) I am both of your managers. She cannot fire you. I think.
Regardless, please do not attack or attempt to attack heroes and/or villains throgh company email. What you do outside of work is none of my business; however, I would advise you not to discuss this here.
Etho
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
Etho i could also fire you. i still have blackmail.
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
okay! whatever you say!
To: [email protected], [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) can you keep your correspondence private it’s clogging up my inbox
ahem anyway here’s the cereal box pearl. i was mistaken his email is actually on the front of it and not the back.
ARC TWO: HERO CUSTOMER SERVICE
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ (not virus)
To whom it may concern,
Can you please stop fighting at these locations:
→ Fifth Street
→ the Shopping District
→ outside Gemini Tay’s house
→ the intersection between Empires Road and Life Avenue
It’s really screwing with the postal services. Genuinely i do not care if you’re a well-renowned hero or whatever please just avoid those places. Or make your fights less destructive. Both would be great, actually. But i digress. You have powers why don’t you use those to find a new place to fight in !!!
Pearl
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ (not virus)
Hi Pearl, hotguy is currently busy defusing a volcano in Italy. can I take a message?
- Cub (Hotguy’s social media manager)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: ???
Cub,
First of all you can’t defuse a volcano. Second of all WHY would HOTGUY of all people be called to, as you put it, diffuse a volcano. In italy. That is complete and utter nonsense. As I have stated in my previous email: tell Hotguy to stop fighting.
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: ???
Pearl you can’t just ask a hero to stop fighting who would keep the streets safe :( do you want Hotguy to lose his job :( what would even be the benefit of this :h
also he says it’s cuteguy’s fault
- cub
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: THATS NOT WHAT I SAID ???
Mail that is delivered on time, for one. For another: ^ as stated before, that is NOT what I was implying.
Cuteguy is also ignoring my emails which means both of them are ruining my life. Do you know how hard it is to deliver letters when the sidewalk is literally on fire?? I can’t even cross a street without a car being hurled at my head???
also wait how does hotguy know cuteguy
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: THATS NOT WHAT I SAID ???
Hi Pearl,
okay, a couple things i need to point out here:
For the record, last week’s fight was started by Cuteguy because he was “bored and wanted to see what would happen if he threw a stoplight.”
Please do not email this account unless your message fits into one of the following approved categories:
- tasteful Hotguy fanart
- compliments about Hotguy’s heroics/abs
- offers of sponsorships (serious inquiries only)
- fun science facts, preferably about space
Anything else risks being marked as spam.
- cub
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Unprofessional Email Usage
Hey everyone,
Some people have been using company emails for unprofessional reasons, for example personal correspondence. Company email accounts are not to be used for personal correspondence with “heroes” or their staff. This is an official warning.
Etho
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: Re: Unprofessional Email Usage
wait but i didn’t do anything :(
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Unprofessional Email Usage
oh.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: cubfan135 reply to my 43 emails.
WOW HOTGUY SURE IS HOT
Ew I hated typing that out. Anyways please stop fighting I nearly died getting hit by one of Hotguy’s “Flame Arrows! The Best Arrows on Fire you’ll ever find!” …is that really what it’s called.
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: cubfan135 reply to my 43 emails.
Pearl,
like I said before: this is a Cuteguy problem. Hotguy is just protecting the city. this is not my problem i am just Hotguy’s social media manager. please take it up with Cuteguy directly.
Best of luck!
- Cub
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: i need cuteguys email
Tango I am BEGGING you find me Cuteguy’s email. This is not a request this is a threat.
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: i need cuteguys email
okay bet. found it on a forum called “number one hotguy haters.” here u go: [email protected]
tango
ARC TWO POINT FIVE: TAKING IT UP WITH CUTEGUY
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
Cuteguy,
Can you please answer my emails and also stop !! Fighting in the streets.
I get that you have your whole villain aesthetic thing going on, but could you maybe relocate? To, like, a park. A forest clearing. Literally anywhere that doesn’t overlap with my shift schedule.
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
how. did. you. get. this. email.
stop contacting me. immediately.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
It's literally [email protected]. I did not have to hack the Perimeter for this. You might as well have printed it on a billboard.
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
i am not going to stop.
if you have complaints, take them up with hotguy. he’s the one instigating all the fights.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
HE SAID IT WAS YOU.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
it’s not me. can you leave me alone
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Improper Use of Company Email
Pearl,
I have reviewed the email logs, and unless my eyes deceive me, you are corresponding with a registered villain using the official PET account.
Please do not use this email for this. We could get in legal and physical trouble. We could get fired, or worse, blackmailed.
Etho
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Improper Use of Company Email
Etho,
This is for the job. Everything i do on this email is for the good of the company. I am putting myself through mortal peril and hero customer service to make sure our deliveries arrive on time and undamaged. Do you want less complaints.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Improper Use of Company Email
…carry on.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
You are literally a villain why would i trust your word.
pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
stop emailing me or you will regret it.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
Or what? You stick me in the spam folder?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
why is my computer crashing out what did you do
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) a polite request (that i know you’ll ignore but whatever)
I don’t know what you expected from emailing a villain.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: WHAT DID YOU DO
pearl what did you do. WHY ARE THERE TWENTY MILLION VIRUSES IN THE COMPANY INBOX PEARL. PEARL
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm taking matters into my own hands.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: WHAT DID YOU DO
WHAT DO YOU MEAN. PEARL WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ARC THREE: CRASHING OUT
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Link to Hermiton Herald Article
Pearl,
Is this you? Why are you in full postal worker uniform? That is unprofessional and will garner a bad reputation for the company.
Etho
Hermiton Herald
New Vigilante Spotted?!?!
This just in from the reporter on the ground at Fifth Street:
There is what seems to be a very enraged postal worker in full uniform going up against fan favourite Hotguy.
Apologies, readers, the reporter on the ground is mistaken; this so-called ‘postal worker’ is actually the new vigilante known as Santa Perla.
Cleo that is not factually correct. The person currently throwing empty parcels at Hotguy (and also me because apparently she doesn’t want to be recorded but I am doing my job as a journalist) is Pearl Moon, postmaster of our local post office. This is supposed to be “unbiased and completely factually based news” Cleo. Also did you come up with that name on the spot
…the reporter on the ground is making up lies and propaganda to make Pearl seem deranged and crazy! Everyone knows that the vigilante Santa Perla is a completely different person from our dearly beloved postmaster!
Reader, you are not immune to propaganda. Therefore, you should close the tab and think about the following questions:
Why would I, Joe Hills of Nashville, Tennessee, spread the rumour that Santa Perla is Pearl Moon?
Why does Cleo Zombie keep insisting that Santa Perla’s identity is “unknown” despite multiple photographic evidence that suggest otherwise?
Why-
I have now removed the reporter on the ground’s access to editing this web article. From now on every piece of information stated here will be factually correct.
No you haven’t Cleo. Anyways more true and factual reports:
“Santa Perla” has moved on from hurling parcels at Hotguy and is now physically dragging him away from Fifth Street. I, too, am metaphorically dragged along due to my obligation to report this incident. “Santa Perla” has stolen one of Hotguy’s arrows and thrown it at my laptop with surprising accuracy. My laptop is currently sporting a hole through the screen therefore I am forced to end my report here.
Joseph Benedict Hills is this kind of aside really necessary.
IN SUMMARY:
There is a NEW VIGILANTE called SANTA PERLA who HATES HOTGUY and is UNNECESSARILY VIOLENT !!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Link to Hermiton Herald Article
Etho,
It's unprofessional for our mail to always be late and/or damaged because of the heroes and villains that i am currently fighting. Also why do you trust the hermiton herald they're really unreliable. They had an editing kerfuffle mid-article are you sure that’s your main source of information.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: are you okay
im not even going to say anything about not ccing me in emails that are unrelated to my job scope. pearl focus on the fight it’d be embarrassing if you lost
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: are you okay
I am focused tango. I am so focused. I am kicking ass right now. Wow i’m so good at this i should have done this way earlier. This feels great.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Link to Hermiton Herald Article 2
Pearl,
Is this also you? Where did you learn to fight like that? Are you sure that this will not interfere with the timeliness of our delivery services? You still have four parcels to deliver.
Etho
Hermiton Herald
BRAND NEW VIGILANTE FIGHTS HOTGUY AND WINS?!?!
As you wonderful readers will remember, there has recently been the appearance of a new vigilante known as Santa Perla!! She is currently in the back alley near Life Avenue, and, according to the reporter on the ground, threatening to rip off Hotguy’s fingers.
What do you mean ‘according’ this is actually happening. In real time. Pearl has Hotguy pinned to a wall and is waving his arrows around in an attempt to dissuade me from reporting. But I persist! Reader, Pearl has somehow procured a piece of paper!
oh wait no that was from her pocket
Joe. It’s Santa Perla.
Cleo I did not get my laptop broken for you not to believe me when I say that yes, this is Pearl. Who is currently unfolding said piece of paper. Reader, it is-
oh. it’s just a picture of hotguy with his shirt on.
gasp! Readers, Santa Perla has brutally attacked Hotguy’s ego! This is not vigilantism. No, this is villiany!!!
Cleo it’s just a picture. what
Joe this is a disgrace!! How dare this ‘vigilante’ do this to our beloved Hotguy??
you called her that. she’s literally just pearl moon, resident postmaster.
also hotguy looks sad.
Of course he’s sad!! his abs are no longer in full view!!
uh. Cleo. I can see his abs from here. They're blindingly defined.
...did he just faint. out of distress.
Noooooo….. Hotguy……
anyway! pearl has now left the scene of the ‘crime’. she still looks pretty mad.
shes coming up wait no-
i’m sure joe’s fine!
IN SUMMARY:
vigilante TURNED VILLAIN decides to GO ROGUE and ATTACK HOTGUY!!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: can you ease up on my boss
okay i take that back. who are you and why are you beating up hotguy. and can you stop.
- cub
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: hey >:(
can you stop beating up hotguy that’s my archnemesis!!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: hey >:(
Cuteguy,
Don’t worry! I’m coming for you next! <3
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: hey >:(
hey where did you go. please don’t.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Communication
Hi ‘Pearl Moon’!
This is Mumbo Jumbo, Cuteguy’s social media manager! I didn’t even know he had this email; can you imagine? He gave me this and told me to contact you! He says ‘tell the scary lady to leave me alone’.
Best regards,
Mumbo Jumbo
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Communication
Hi ‘mumbo’,
tell cuteguy his days are numbered. i am actively tracking his location.
pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Communication
‘Pearl’,
I have conveyed this message to Cuteguy, and he says ‘stay away please im scared’.
Regards,
Mumbo
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (...) Communication
‘Mumbo’,
Tell cuteguy that he’s a villain. He should be prepared for any crisis ever. This one’s for tango he says your viruses were annoying but ultimately ineffective.
Pearl
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Link to Hermiton Herald Article 3
Pearl,
Is this also you? While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I would really appreciate it if you actually used this time to deliver the parcels.
Etho
Hermiton Herald
DISGRACED VIGILANTE REDEEMS HERSELF BY ATTACKING VILLAIN?!?!
Reader, no, your eyes do not deceive you. This is actual real not-fake news!! From the reporter on the ground:
pearl moon beloved postmaster is not a vigilante.
Cleo come on. she destroyed my phone that other time. I have stolen someone else’s to report this. She has grabbed Cuteguy by his collar and is pinning him to the wall.
Santa Perla, resorting to violence?? This is something I never thought I’d read…
cleo what kind of narrative are you trying to weave here. Pearl’s screaming about postal routes and cuteguy looks actually terrified. i’ve never seen him fear for his life that much.
CAN SHE STOP COMING FOR ME I HAVEN'T FINISHED REPORTING YET-
Again: Joe’s probably fine.
IN SUMMARY:
santa perla has REDEEMED HERSELF because she ATTACKED a VILLAIN and WON!!
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: wow
pearl i am genuinely impressed by how much damage you caused to someone without ruining the surrounding area
- cub
Forwarded Message:
From: [email protected]
Subject: Medical Bills
To Hotguy;
Here are your medical bills:
- Emergency Room Admission – $400
- CT Scan: Facial Bones – $600
- Physical Therapy, 1 session (upper body mobility, shoulder strain) – $300
- Burn Care: First-Degree, left forearm – $250
Hermiton General Hospital
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: :(
im suing you
Forwarded Message:
From: [email protected]
Subject: Medical Bills
To Cuteguy;
Here are your medical bills:
- Emergency Room Admission – $400
- CT Scan: Head/Neck – $600
- Concussion Observation, 24 hrs – $1,200
- Orthopedic Consult: Rib Contusion – $450
Hermiton General Hospital
ARC FOUR: SPAM FOLDER TWO ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Registration Required
Dear “Santa Perla”,
It has come to our attention that you have been engaging in vigilante activity without proper registration in our database. As per Section 14b of the Hero Activities and Public Safety Act, all vigilantes must:
- Register as a hero or villain,
- Disclose any abilities,
- Stop impersonating people (aka postal workers. aka Pearl Moon.)
Sincerely,
The Official Hero Agency
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Recruitment Offer
dude……. you should join us…... you’re so cool
please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please
official villain agency
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: can you lock back out
mate what the heck. you used to be slow and unreliable and now my mail comes SO FAST it ruins my entire day. do you know how much of my day was structured around “waiting for the mail to maybe never come.” now it’s like bam parcel in my face before i’ve even made tea. this sucks. i want compensation.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: woww…
bbg u look EVEN hotter when threatening to murder people.
please murder me too.
love, gem <3
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Grand De-opening!!
Dear Valued Customer,
Due to someone’s reports, our Very Legal Shop has been forcibly shut down by local authorities. This is not only financially ruinous but also, like, very uncool. Please look out for a very fun delivery of a bullet into your body. Thank you.
Regretfully,
Not-Owner of the Formerly Very Legal Shop