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For the first time in a long while, as she watches Hiccup and Toothless disappear from view, Astrid Hofferson feels a burning sense of shame.
Why hadn’t she apologized? She knows that, unlike some other Vikings she won’t name right now, it’s not that she’s too prideful to apologize. When she’s in the wrong, she can admit it. No, she knows why she never apologized to Hiccup. Treating him as poorly as they all used to had at one point just felt so normal she never actually questioned if he deserved the treatment. And oh, it’s more than clear to her now that he never did. What the village put him through is something he didn’t deserve, but at the time, she hadn’t realized that.
Then, when things turned around and Hiccup showed them all how amazing befriending dragons was, she just… let the past be the past. Apparently too well, if this evening was any indication.
She was in the wrong, as were the other riders, their whole childhood for the way she treated Hiccup. She was almost never particularly rude to him, but it certainly never helped matters the way she ignored him and never put a stop to the bullying she so often saw happening. And yet she never apologized for it. She regrets that now, she knows she should have apologized, it just… she didn’t realize it until now that yes, Hiccup deserves an apology.
Looking back now, having been abruptly called out and getting the evidence shoved right into her face, yes, Astrid definitely feels like she’s about to drown in shame over her actions and lack of apology. Alongside that shame, though, is a quiet fear that she is perhaps too late to apologize. Hiccup definitely didn’t want to hear it right now, and she can’t blame him for that, but something about the way he told Toothless to get them home fast… she’s not sure that home will be home for him much longer… she’s not sure she’ll ever get the chance to apologize.
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Snotlout Jorgenson hates to admit when he’s in the wrong, something that’s been drilled into him by his father, but he is capable of doing so when he’s majorly fucked up somehow. And in this case? Yeah, he’s majorly fucked up in this case.
Hiccup might occasionally be annoying and sometimes overwork them, and he might be so competent at everything somehow that it triggers all of Snotlout’s insecurities (that he deals with through anger and frustration and shouting and being rude on account of that’s all he learned how to do when it comes to handling emotions thanks to his father), but Snotlout can see now that Hiccup never deserved the treatment he received for years. And he can recognize that he himself was one of the worst offenders during their childhood.
He should have treated Hiccup a lot better than he did. He should never have used Hiccup as a punching bag to take out his frustrations on after an especially bad day, should never have even considered harming a fellow Berkian, yet he did. And he found every excuse he could to not feel bad about it, too. Told himself he was just giving Hiccup a trial at what the world outside of Berk would be like if he didn’t toughen up and try to be a real Viking. Told himself— well, it doesn’t matter, because the excuses he used to make so he wouldn’t feel guilty later on still don’t actually excuse his actions.
And then when Hiccup finally became accepted by the village—as he should have been years ago, really, they had no right to have ever been treating him so badly just because he was different—Snotlout… never apologized. He pushed aside any guilt he felt and just went about being Hiccup’s friend now, because he certainly never learned how to apologize from his father, and surely Hiccup—overly kind, overly generous, overly sensitive, overly forgiving Hiccup—would be able to let the past be the past if Snotlout shows he’s trying to do better now.
So no, he never apologized to Hiccup despite knowing that yeah, what he did was messed up. He pushed it aside and tried to forget all about it, instead, choosing to focus on the present day. Turns out that that was definitely a mistake and he should’ve sucked it up and set his pride aside rather than the memories of how he used to treat Hiccup to go and apologize to him. Hiccup deserved that much from him after the shit he pulled throughout their childhood, and he couldn’t even give him that much, and now…
Now Hiccup doesn’t want an apology. He needs one, deserves one, a bigger one than before even, but he doesn’t want to hear it. And Snotlout knows he’s gone and fucked up majorly by not apologizing earlier, by trying to brush it off as nothing because he still doesn’t want to truly admit just how bad he was.
He’s a bit worried that this time there won’t be any fixing the damage done. If only he had tried to fix the earlier damage done with an apology the moment he realized that one was deserved, maybe then he wouldn’t be in this mess.
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It’s funny, the way two people can perceive the same thing so differently. Fishlegs Ingerman, before today, would have thought that he was the one closest to Hiccup, that he was Hiccup’s best friend— ah, best human friend, that is. Anyone would know the spot of Hiccup’s best friend belongs firmly to Toothless.
He and Hiccup got along well, they could nerd out together, experiment together, understand each others’ rambles that the others lose track of halfway through. And of all the others their age, Fishlegs also got the most teasing aside from Hiccup, so… so it never crossed his mind that maybe to Hiccup, their friendship seemed like Fishlegs was just ignoring the past and thinking all would be well. He hadn’t realized that maybe to Hiccup it would appear as if Fishlegs condoned the actions of the others in the past and stood by his choices back then to never step in, never try and extend the offer of friendship to Hiccup back then.
They used to be friends before all this, you know? It lasted about as long as it took for the others their age to pick up on Hiccup’s… perceived weaknesses… because once that happened— Fishlegs is ashamed to admit it, but he broke their friendship off, not wanting to risk being caught in the same situation. He befriended the others and tried to tell himself it didn’t bother him seeing the resigned look on Hiccup’s face the day he stopped being his friend.
Fishlegs thought— well, he’s not really sure. He guesses he thought he had no need to apologize because he never directly hurt Hiccup, but looking back… ending their childhood friendship was a shitty thing to do, and Hiccup definitely deserved an apology rather than for Fishlegs to just… fall back into being friends with him without a second thought, as if he had never been a bystander, had never caused that look of hurt resignation all those years ago.
And now, watching his friend—does he still have the right to call Hiccup his friend, after how terrible of one he’s been for not apologizing much sooner?—fly off on his own best friend… Fishlegs has the sinking feeling that this time around, an apology will no longer be enough.
Maybe, if they hadn’t all been such idiots back then and had just apologized when he woke up after killing the Red Death…
But it’s too late for that now.
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Ruffnut Thorston is many things, apologetic is not often one of those things, but in this case it definitely applies.
As kids, she never thought much of Hiccup. He was small, scrawny, and kinder than anyone else she knew— which meant he was weak. Or, that’s what she thought at the time, so she never really gave Hiccup any attention, and when she did it was never positive attention, always teasing him or pushing him around. And that was always just how it was, so what was there to be apologetic about at the time?
Only recently has she realized how messed up her actions towards Hiccup were, and while definitely feeling apologetic, she never acted on that, never apologized, and now…
Well, Hiccup certainly has every right to yell at them— and he still didn’t. He raised his voice and aired his grievances but he didn’t yell at them all, even if he’d have been totally in the right to. And— and then he went all quiet and mumbly and he apologized to them for being upset and wasn’t that a real punch in the gut.
Ruffnut isn’t apologetic often, but she’s more than apologetic about how she used to treat Hiccup, and about her lack of apology. So, making up her mind quickly, Ruffnut decides she’ll do what she really should’ve done a while ago, and she’ll apologize to Hiccup when they make it back to the Edge…
…if Hiccup is even there to apologize to. When he said he needed to be alone right now… it felt like he meant a lot longer than just tonight…
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Tuffnut Thorston is aware of his reputation as mostly crazy and dumb, but despite that reputation he’s not so dumb and unaware of others to miss when he’s screwed up big time, and listening to Hiccup just now is like being shown an on fire sign with giant lettering spelling out ‘You Screwed Up’. So.
It doesn't happen often but right now… Tuffnut feels really bad. He can see now that he probably—okay, definitely is more like it—took things too far when he and the others were teasing Hiccup back when they were all kids. And what Astrid said was right, the way everyone just brushed past it without apologizing was a sucky move on their parts, and Hiccup deserves an apology.
He has a feeling, though, that it may be too late to make it up to Hiccup. Tuffnut and the others all screwed up pretty badly, and they left it sitting for a long time without trying to fix things… yeah, Tuffnut wouldn’t be feeling very generous about accepting any apologies if he were in Hiccup’s shoes— uh, shoe, as it is. Hiccup was already more kind about the situation than he would’ve been.
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Hiccup Haddock is and has always been kind above all else. He can be brutal and violent and unforgiving when the situation calls for it, but he’s always preferred showing kindness and generosity and forgiveness first. But that can wear a person down over time when it’s taken advantage of too often, and thoughtlessly so too.
As he’s flying back to the Edge with Toothless, Hiccup gets to thinking that maybe… maybe he’s done being so openly kind. He’s tried for so long to be helpful and selfless and to— to greet the world with open arms, and time after time after time after time after… you get the point… he’s gotten hurt for it— physically and emotionally.
He’s kinda sick of getting hurt just for trying to believe the best of others and for trying to give them a second… or third or fourth… chance. But if he’s not kind and forgiving, then who is he? Being jaded and miserable on the Edge and Berk will get him nowhere, everyone there has expectations of him that he really doesn’t want to deal with right now, but he genuinely doesn’t think he has it in him to keep being so kind and forgiving if he stays in either place.
So then… he can’t stay in either place… if he wants to finally find himself without being trapped by expectations and his own misery… then he needs to leave.
It’s a really, really dumb idea. He shouldn’t leave now, not when they’re practically in the middle of a war with the dragon hunters. But… the other riders are trained, Astrid could lead them, and just because he’d be taking a break from the group for who knows how long doesn’t mean he can’t help fight the hunters as a solo rider.
If he wants any chance of keeping at least some of his kind and forgiving nature without growing to resent himself entirely for it, it’s for the best if he leaves for a little while.
…oh who is he kidding this is an awful idea, isn’t it? But it’s the only one he’s got, and that’s better than sitting around here being miserable and snappish all the time. So, Hiccup makes up his mind, he’s going to pack up and strike out on his own for a bit.
Hopefully, if he’s ever— ah, when he’s ready to return, he’ll be welcomed back…