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In his whole life, the Torchbearer had never climbed stairs so fast. Dozens of cold stone steps, he ran up the top of Nico’s tower in less than two minutes. After the Gone had collapsed to the ground down there, most Banditos called it a win and started heading back for the camp. But Torch hadn’t seen Clancy come down, and leaving without him was out of the question.
The wooden door he faces at the end of the stairs is locked, he has to break down the door with a kick of his foot. It snaps open with a loud noise, banging on the stone wall.
Inside the circular room, Torch finds a concerning scene. Seven cloaked silouhetes laying on the floor, supposedly lifeless, and in the center, Nico, and Clancy. Torch freezes. He can only see Clancy’s back, the boy facing Nico. The Bishop firmly holds the boy by the throat, making it impossible for him to move. His body is tense as if looking for air. The fingers on his right hand are extended, trying to reach for the antler on the floor, which is way too for from his hand. Nico’s other hand isn’t to be seen by Torch, Clancy’s torso hiding it.
After an awfully long few seconds, Nico lets go of his grasp on Clancy’s neck, who for some reason wasn’t fighting back. Torch can see his limbs tremble when released, can feel him loosing his balance on his feet.
Clancy’s left knee gives up first. The flinching in his leg makes him fall on his side, unsmooth and with a crashing sound. Torch’s blood turn cold in his veins. He feels the muscles in his neck contract around his pulsing jugular. Nico has grabbed Clancy’s discarded antler from the floor, and is now leaning over the poor boy, gathering momentum with the weapon firmly in his wrinkled hand.
Not this.
Torch pounces on Nico, throwing his body onto the Bishop’s, jumping over Clancy to pin his opponent on the floor. The antler slips out of his grasp, out of reach. With both his hands wrapped tightly around his black stained neck, Torch starts to strangle the Bishop. He’s the last one remaining. He has to die. The cloaked figure’s hands grip Torch’s bandana, and pull him drown, in attempt to reach his throat, but the man resists, and counter attacks before he could get hurt. Nico receives a full range of punches and bashes on his face, his old white skin getting tainted with dark red blood. Torch’s rage and fury and fear mix up to become a perfect source of strength, which he uses just enough to knock the Bishop out. On his knees above the dizzy old enemy, he sighs, looking at his bleeding knuckles.
Then a whine brings him back to reality. He shifts, turns around, to find Clancy now rolled on his back. His jaw is clenched, brows furrowed. Only then Torch notices, the other antler, deeply stabbed in his stomach. Both of Clancy’s hands are busy applying pressure around the weirdly shaped dagger. The cold blood in his veins stops running at all for a split second. He promptly crouches at Clancy’s side, hands hurrying to cover his hands and to cup his face.
“Did you kill him ?" Clancy asks, preoccupied.
"I don’t think so, but that doesn’t matter. We’ve got enough time to run."
After grabbing the second antler, Torch carefully takes Clancy’s hand to rest it on his shoulder. The other gets the message, and as soon as Torch lifts his upper body in his arms, Clancy wraps his around the other’s neck. Torch carries Clancy him his arms bridal style, and runs out the door. Careful not to shake Clancy’s head while climbing down the stairs, he hurries to exit the tower, holding his lover close to him.
They find shelter under the arch of a building entry, a few streets away from the tower. Torch kneels on the marble step in front of the door, putting Clancy on the floor before him, his back resting on his lap.
"How bad is it ?" Clancy questions, not daring to look at the wound.
"Like, badly bad…" Torch pats his pockets, hoping to find anything helpful, but he’s far from being equipped with a first aid kit. "It hurts ?"
"No shit it hurts… I can feel the tip of it rub between my organs when I breathe…" he grimaces "I’m pretty sure it’s scratching against my rib or something…"
Torch stops caressing Clancy’s cheek to bring his hands to his own neck, untying his bandana. He also takes Clancy’s stole off of his shoulders.
"This is gonna sting, but it’s better than nothing."
Clancy’s eyes widen as he watches Torch press his bandana around the antler on the wound. He uses the stole to maintain it, wrapping it twice around Clancy’s abdomen and tying it tight. The injured one whimpers in pain, feeling each nerve in the area scream as it burns from the foreign contact.
"Ohmygod- nghhh… Aah…" Clancy cries, his wound pulsing under the pressure.
"Shhh I’m sorry I’m so sorry… I’m doing my best…" Josh tries to soothe him, to distract him from the pain by pulling him even close, hugging his side.
"… Closer" Clancy asks, his face nuzzled in the collar of Josh’s hoodie.
"Can’t… It will push the antler deeper…"
"Then pull it out"
"No, really, it would just make you bleed faster… You need to hold on, we’ll get you back home and you’ll get help, okay ?"
"Josh… It’s too far away… We’ll never get there in time" Clancy says while leaving a hand to caress Josh’s face with the back of his fingers.
Josh closes his eyes, tilting his head at the touch, pushing his face against Clancy’s palm. He knows he’s right. Not his first time assisting someone injured. This case is bad, really bad. He tilts his head and leans down to place a gentle kiss on Clancy’s lips, to which the other responds with a shivery exhale. They smile. Clancy pulls Josh closer by tugging his hair, and kisses him languidly. Their soft lips brush against each other again and again, their halting breath mixing. It feels so, natural, so casual… not at all like one of them is so severely injured. They pull apart when a twitch of Clancy’s body makes him cough harshly. A spit of blood escape his lips, landing on Josh’s mouth when he pulls back.
"Hey, easy…" Josh quickly frames Clancy’s tired face with his big hands.
The other smiles through the unbearable pain that tenses all the muscles in his body. Torch helps him sit up in a better position.
"You cold ? Here take my jacket" he proposes as he starts rolling his shoulders to get the jacket off.
"’s my jacket" Clancy replies.
"Yeah, you’re right. It’s your jacket... Better like this ?"
With the coat on his shoulder, Clancy nods. Josh gazes at him, detailing his fresh skin, his glossy eyes, the unshed tears beading at the base of his eyelashes. He can’t help but smile in sadness at him, as he caresses Clancy’s short hair.
"Hey… Josh…" Clancy calls him, a worried expression on his tired face.
"Don’t tell me not to cry… I… This is awful, Clancy…"
"I know… Crying is okay, being sad is okay… But don’t be like me, don’t do stupid things when you’re sad"
Josh rests his forehead against Clancy’s, and closes his eyes. From here, he can notice how his lover’s breath got weaker since he sat them down here. In front of them, rain has started to pour.
"Don’t stay alone. Talk to someone"
"Who if not you ?"
"You’ll find someone"
"But I don’t want anyone else !"
"Josh, please… I’m not asking you to forget me… But not to stay alone. Spend some time with… your crew… they’re nice and caring…"
"I really, really don’t want to go back to camp without you, Clance…"
"Yeah, but you shouldn’t… bring me back."
"What ?"
"‘don’t want the kids to see me. It’s better if I… stay out there."
"Nonsense, I’ll bring you back home, there’s no way-"
"Please, don’t let them- use me again… the bishops… please, burn my body…"
"Oh my god Clance, don’t say that !" Josh sobs, how pathetic. Clancy is the one with a hole in his body, and yet it’s Josh who’s crying like a baby. He shakes his head, eyes shut, his curls following the desperate move.
"You’re a sparkle of light, Joshie, never- never let your brightness… dim down for anyone"
His voice is getting lower, more breathy. His breath is short now. Looking down at the wound, Josh observes Clancy’s shirt, soaked with cold blood, absorbing the liquid dripping from the injury.
"Clancy ? I wanted to ask you something, once we would have taken them down…"
Intrigued, Clancy turns his head to face him.
"I wanted to ask you a really important question, about us… If you would want to… Be mine forever ?"
"Through sickness and health… ‘till death tear us apart ?"
"Mhmm ?"
"I would have… said yes, Josh, of course…"
Josh’s fingers grip on Clancy’s shoulder. Isn’t it even worse ? His eyes are blurry with tears, it’s too much. He laughs nervously, wiping his tears and the blood on his mouth away with the fabric of his sleeve.
"Josh, it’s okay… you’ll have to find me again…"
"…What ?"
"Just, promise me you won’t shut down on yourself… take at least a walk each day… keep looking for me… eat correctly… spend time with the others-"
"What are you saying Clance ? I don’t understand…" Josh starts to think the blood loss makes him lose coherence, but the boy seems serious.
"Just promise me to take care of yourself… don’t forget about me"
"Oh, Clancy… Of course, I promise you, I’ll be good…"
"Good…"
They stay silent for a moment, Clancy’s heavy arm lifted to wipe Josh’s tears away with his thumb. He’s starting to shake. The poor boy is getting cold from the lack of move and blood, and the rain doesn’t make it any better.
"Clance, do you want me to take you somewhere else ?"
He doesn’t answers right away, but ends up looking at him with eyes he couldn’t even begin to describe - surprisingly quiet and serene.
"I’d like to lay in a bed"
"Yeah ? Let’s find a bed then"
Still sitting, Josh reaches for the handle of the door behind him. It opens when he presses the metal bar. Again, he slips one arm behind Clancy’s weak shoulders, who rests his head on Josh’s pectoral. Then he hooks Clancy’s legs with his other arms, and gently lifts him up. He can’t help be realise his lover is much more relaxed and lose in his hold.
Walking through the hall of the building, they face a sober staircase, and stairs Josh that Josh starts to climb.
"You tell me when you feel like it"
He turns when Clancy indicates him a door at random. Like most houses in Dema, this flat is lacking privacy, and the door flats open with just a push on the handle. They walk in the appartement like it’s theirs, Josh shutting the main door close with his boot. No one is inside, of course, the battle outside made everyone run away.
The light is still on in the dinning room, a vinyle record player still defuses a nice house music. The appartement is clean and organised. He crosses the living room, to reach the bedrooms. Two doors left open at each side of the end of the corridor, allow the to see two very different atmospheres - with no surprise, beds neatly made, waiting for someone to slip under the cover. On the left, a colourful teen bedroom, with a gradient orange wallpaper and a large one person bed covered with cat patterned bedsheets. On the right, a parental bedroom with a canopy queen size bed, mustard yellow bedsheets, and a bedcover with Hindi style sun drawings on it.
"So which one will it be ? Kitty cats or princess room ?"
"… the big one"
"Really ? Thought you’d pick the kitties"
"I like it but… want the big bed… want to sleep in it the way we- hufff… the way we would when it’s all over"
"Yeah, good idea."
Josh brings him to the bed, sits him on the side and holds him against his chest while pulling down the cover. Then, he helps him lay down with extreme caution, extending his legs, placing his head on the pillow like he’s a wounded animal - he kind of is.
Josh places a quick kiss at the corner of Clancy’s lips before going to close the door. Then, he turns the main light of and lights up a few candles on the bedside table.
It’s the kind of bed they would love to have in their home one day. How nice would it be to have their back merge with the soft mattress each night ? How perfect would this bed be to hold their intimate cuddles ? Just perfect.
Clancy looks at the ceiling, his shoulders and head sinking into the cotton pillow maintaining him. The square shapes above him seem to deform and get decorated with black spots. Oh, but no. It’s iron running low in his veins. This dream of a room made him almost forgot he is dying.
He feels his numb legs move. He tilts his head to find Josh, who is removing Clancy’s boots from his feet. The boyfriend turns his head to him and gives him a loving smile. He yanks his own hike boots off and climbs on the bed, walking on all fours to lay right next to him. There they stay, side by side, faces turned to each other, holding hands. The cover slides over them, slowly, to cover both of them like they’re about to sleep. Only the antler in Clancy’s flesh pokes out, creating an awkward point under the sheets.
“That’s nothing like the camp’s mattress" Josh whispers.
"It’s so cosy… and warm…" Clancy hums in response.
Josh lifts a hand to move one of Clancy’s wild strands of hair away from his face. He caresses his cheek, then leans forward to pepper light and slow kisses on the side of his face, and near his ear. With his eyes close, he doesn’t see Clancy’s hand reach for the foreign body stabbed in his stomach. With a sharp hiss followed by a painful whine, he pulls the antler out of his flesh. The sound of his skin and blood against the length of the weapon is repulsive.
"Clancy ! No, why are you doing this ?"
A cold shiver invades his body. It’s like cold air slips inside his veins. He struggles to roll on his side, now facing Josh.
"I just want a tight hug" he says with the simplest tone.
"Oh" Josh didn’t expect that. But he’s glad he can give Clancy an loving embrace right here and now. "Yeah, com’ here love"
In fact, he doesn’t wait for Clancy to move - he knows it’s getting really hard for him to shift - and with his calloused hands on the small of his back, he brings him close. Feeling his whole being fusing with his lover sends fireworks in his brain. His fingers dig in Clancy’s clothes, tug in the fabric to hold him right here. The other’s arms wonder on Josh’s chest the find his shoulders. With both hands resting on his boyfriend’s shoulders, Clancy presses his forehead on the base of his neck, to avoid the other seeing him slow blink. Here, warm and safe, he burries his face in Josh’s soft neck skin. He takes deep breaths - as deep as he’s still able to - and revels the sweet mix of soil, burnt wood, and curry that compose Josh’s scent. He inhales it like it’s giving him life, oh, if only…
Josh’s lips and nose are hidden in Clancy’s hair. He slides a hand under his shirt and caresses his sides under the cover, pretending not to feel the blood drying on his fingers and making his hands sticky. All that matters at this very moment is to enjoy each other’s priceless presence. Josh hums a melody, almost inaudible, only for the both of them. A Bandito song. One meant to transmit hope and strength.
Clancy’s lips ever so slightly press against the hot skin of Josh’s neck, causing him to shiver. He pulls away and, after licking his thumb, goes to clean Clancy’s lips from the blood. Then, they kiss, again, and again, eyes close, huffing through their lips, licking their tongues, pinching their lips. Clancy only breaks the kiss when he feels like he can’t breathe anymore.
"…Oh, sorry love…"
"… It’s… okay… don’t worry"
"I always worry"
"Don’t" he says with his hand resting on Josh’s ear, drawing hearts on his cheek with his thumb.
"Have I ever told you that your lips taste sweet like fruit jam ?"
"…Yes, like, everyday"
Josh is full filled with love. Clancy really is the moon in his night. And Josh is Clancy’s sun, comforting, warm on his skin. Their life is so perfect, they get to spend all of their time together, day and night, like two astral bodies revolving around each other, engaged with an invisible and powerful attraction.
"Josh… Spoon me ?" The breathy voice makes his heart squeeze inside his chest.
"You want to turn away ?" He asks worried.
"It’s comforting.. and.. I don’t want you to see… me when I fall asleep…" Clancy explains, looking at him with a bit of a guilty expression, that quickly fades away when Josh smiles at him.
Oh, that’s it. The last time he gets to dive into those pretty eyes, full of loving tenderness. The last time he can admire the hopeful spark in his chocolate brown irises. His beautiful eyelashes are gonna shut close on these precious rhinestones of his. Josh savours this moment, he’s lost in Clancy’s gaze. How pretty. How precious. He could stare at him forever, really… He could…
Clancy’s trembling eyelids bring him back to the present, and the sad reality. Josh props himself on his elbows before carefully placing his hands on his lover’s shoulder. He helps him roll on his other side, with extreme caution, trying to avoid hurting him. What he doesn’t know is that Clancy’s nervous system had given out already. Incapable of making a move, he also doesn’t feel much anymore. He barely feels Josh’s arm wrap over his tight waist, or his fingers wrapping around his own hand, over the wound on his stomach. But, he can still sense his warm breath in the back of his neck, the air exhaled flowing softly in his short hair. Clancy smiles as his body gets pulled against Josh’s, chest to back, as close as can be.
"Comfy ?"
"Mmmm"
"Good"
He looks at himself in the mirror hanging on the wall, acknowledging how terribly exhausted he looks. In this moment, he’s so grateful for Josh loving him despite all his imperfections and mistakes. He really is the most attentionate soul on this earth. Clancy hopes he’ll be able to move on to someone else, because he truly deserves to be loved.
Josh plays with Clancy’s hair, the gentle touch making him melt and focus on himself. His throat is coated with blood, risen from his stomach. He feels heavy and limp, like he is sinking into the material of the mattress. If he thinks about it enough, he can tell that his diaphragm is completely out of service. The respiratory muscle gives up, leaving him to deal with the lack of oxygen, and the carbon dioxide filling his lungs. His vision blurs, he can only distinguish the shape of him and his lover under the warm cover, everything else disappears from his sight. His eyelids flutter shut over his eyes. He savours every little sensation he’s got left to feel, squeezing Josh’s fingers - an almost imperceptible touch. He feels the cold invade the entirety of his hurt body, replacing the pain. His heartbeat is so slow and shallow, the blood doesn’t even drip from his wound anymore. After his diaphragm, his lungs stop working. A few hitched breaths, each one a bit more spaced than the previous one, go through his parted lips. It’s all so silent, so quiet, so… Peaceful.
Now, it’s finally time for his heart to stop. His kind and brave heart. The last pulse of the vital organ isn’t even to be felt, so discrete and insignificant. If Josh was to hear it cease, he would be unsettled, in the wait of another rhythmic bump. Not hearing the heartbeat in someone’s chest is a weird experience. It’s unreal and unnatural - even though it’s just the most natural thing to happen in a life.
As Clancy’s brain runs out of electric signals - after losing irrigation and oxygen - his body pushes out a last sight, subtle and cold. A lukewarm body in damp bloodied clothes, resting in his lovers arms in some stranger’s dirtied bed… What an ending…
It’s over.
A few seconds pass. Josh feels no grip in Clancy’s hand he’s holding. He lets go of his fingers. The hand lands on the mattress.
"…Clance ? …You asleep ?"
No response.
Silent tears, a lot of it. Sobs. Snot. He pulls him even closer, squeezing the now limp body in his strong arms. Why is he so relaxed ? When Josh rolls him back on his back, his head stays turned to the side, with no expression on his face. When he cups his faces - Clancy’s head loosely attached to his body by a holdless neck - he sees what his beautiful features look like when he’s stress free, relaxed, at peace. The poor boy’s cheeks get wet with teardrops falling from above him. His arms loosely follow the move when he gets dragged in Josh’s grasp, held protected in his embrace. In fact, all of his lifeless limbs hang in Josh’s arms.
Just like that, Clancy becomes the brightest star in Josh’s sky.
The record player had long ago stopped defusing the nice music. Now the only noise filling the apartment is the sound of a man about to grieve the love of his life. Lost in battle, right when they’re about to win, to end it, to earn their freedom. Almost there.
An hour later, after putting Clancy’s boots back on, after cleaning his face carefully with honey scented soap, after making the bed like it’s not ruined and covered in blood, Josh leaves the house. Clancy is wrapped in the sun patterned bed cover, only his boots and the top of his head pokes out of the blanket roll he’s comfortably coiled in. Josh carries him with care and attention. He steps out the entry door, stops right when his boots land on the puddle of blood left at the porch. Under the arch, his lover resting unmoving in his arms, he feels out of this world. The rain had stopped pouring. The Earth had stopped spinning. Clancy’s heart had stopped beating.
Josh walked miles away from the city. He has to take Clancy far from this awful prison, or he could never rest in peace. Josh looks for the perfect place, his back aching from holding the heavy body in the cover. He eventually finds it.
Clancy is laid down on the ground, his body curled on his side, tucked in the bed cover in his usual sleeping position. Josh wanders around him, picking flowers here and there, then places the yellow daffodils all around him on a circle. It takes a bit more time for him to find enough stones and pebbles to create a bigger circle, but once the disposition is finished, he lets out a deep sight of pride. He hopes Clancy would like that modest ceremony, because he doesn’t have the strength in him to do more, he’s already emotionally exhausted.
A very last kiss is placed on Clancy’s forehead, then Josh takes out his lighter. He stares at it for a while, observing the small rabbit engraving Clancy made years ago in the metal of the object. With a smooth move, Josh lights it up, crouches next to him, and brings the lighter close to the cotton fabric. It gets brown, before catching fire, spreading the flames all around the bagged shape.
"Sahlo folina, my love" he murmurs.
Josh watches from afar as the fire consumes Clancy’s vessel. He wouldn’t bear the smell of burning flesh, even more if it’s flesh he loved and cherished for years. The night has fallen by the time the flames die. Josh approaches. Nothing is left. Inside the stone circle he traced, no flower, no cover, no lover. It’s all gone, only ashes remain. Josh is careful not to step on the ashes when he extends his arm, gathering ashes in a small metal box Clancy uses - used - to carry a few meds with him all the time. It’s round, black with white bird patterns on it, not larger than two and a half centimetres. Once filled with the grey powder, the box is closed and placed back in the pocket of Clancy’s jacket that Josh couldn’t let go of. In the other pocket, Clancy’s stole wrapped around Josh’s bloody bandana. He’ll wash them later.
Clancy’s loss forms a heavy hole in the camp’s life. Not only by his absence, but also by the symbol he was for the Banditos. And most of all, by the grieving leader he leaves behind. Their war isn’t over. Dema’s Bishops still have to been taken down, even if it means the city is burnt to the ground. But it won’t happen so soon. Josh, the Torchbearer, no longer guides them. He stays back and isolated in his now empty wedge tent. Most of his time is spent going through Clancy’s stuff - reorganising his clothes, reading the lyrics he planned to make songs with, loosing himself in his beautiful drawings… Each night, he falls asleep with his missing lover’s pillow against his chest. He doesn’t cry, simply tries to fill the huge hole in his heart with memories.
A rebellion without a leader can’t go very far. That’s why Josh’s leading crew ends up dragging him out of his unhealthy solitude. They force him out of his shell, including him in everyday tasks, setting up daily goals to keep him up.
Today’s challenge is to walk a bit by himself. It may be time to start honouring his promise of going out everyday. He decides to walk to the valley where they first met. Walking along the side of the hill, he looses himself in his thoughts. He finds himself picking up flowers, and starts to compose a bouquet. He’ll put it next to Clancy’s name on the memorial close to the camp. Why does everything he does have to be related to him ? He can’t live a second without thinking about him, like he’s haunting him, like he’s not really gone.
But Clancy is gone. Josh knows it. He set fire to his dead body himself. So why does he keep feeling his presence ?
Down in the valley, following the path of the small stream, a man walks. It catches Josh’s attention, not by surprise of seeing someone here, but because his brain knows this person. Josh recognises this walk, this posture, this constant stimming. The man lifts his head at him, watches him from afar. He stops. Like seeing Josh above is just what he was looking for. And Josh can’t believe his eyes.
Down there, standing in the small river, is Clancy. In the distance, he can’t be sure, be he seems different. Skinnier, with a less confident expression. Approaching him, he notices a few other things, like the missing scar on the bridge of his nose. He understands now. “You’ll have to find me again”. Josh remembers Clancy’s words. It makes sense now. He found him again.
Josh feels a familiar proximity with the new Clancy. He hesitantly takes his hand, putting the bouquet in his palm.
"Torchbearer ?" His voice sounds just like his missing boyfriend.
"Clancy…"
The other seems surprised.
"I’m Tyler. I think I was looking for you."
"I was looking for you too. You look so much like him… are you him ?"
"I think I’m meant to be him"
They both share a calm and happy smile. Josh hopes this isn’t another tricky dream of his.
"Do you know my name ?"
"… Josh"
It’s not a dream. This is real. His lover’s soul lives through this other vessel. His Clancy is still here. And he gets the chance to hold him close again. He won’t fail him this time.
"Let’s go home, Clancy"
His being is so similar to the one he spent years with. Josh can feel it. The man walking next to him has the same energy, the same power, the same affection. He’ll discover later that his shared memories with the one he lost reside in this Clancy’s mind. They’ll pop out from time to time. He’ll find him again. He’ll place the tape on his shoulders. He’ll give him the mask, the antlers. They’ll end this.