Chapter Text
“If you wish to get to her, you must go through me.” Thor stood bodily in the doorway, blocking the Valkyrie from entering in her rage. He knew she had a good chance beating him hand to hand but that wasn’t the only weapon he had. Even if he also knew what his thunder could do to the electricity running the ship.
He didn’t want to be in this position. He had tried to avoid this exact situation. To choose between his people and the little family he had left. But was there really a choice? As much as he’s grown over the years, Loki is forever capable of upending his intellect.
He’s frightened. He knows how his people will view Hela aboard this vessel and his decision to keep it secret. Loki’s defensiveness and Hela’s sheer rage are acidic components. Combined with Thor’s brash tendencies, they are a bomb waiting to happen. And it was Thor’s ultimate choices that led them all here.
His reign will be short. It’s a guarantee, isn’t it.
“You’re protecting them?! Lackey betrayed you, again! And look what that demon did to your face!” Valkyrie spat at him, flames dancing in her eyes. “What she did to me!”
“I understand your anger but they, they…” Thor can’t think of anything to justify it. Hela tried to kill them all. And Loki brought her aboard. Something in him breaks. The cracks that had been growing and growing finally shatter. He loves them. He hates them. He doesn’t think he could ever stand it if they abandon him again. He wishes they’d disappear. His voice is weak, “They’re all I have left.”
“They’ve both tried to kill you, Thor!” She yells. She must have been talking with the citizens more than he had assumed. Or maybe she heard it from Banner.
He wants to cry. He can’t because he’s supposed to be strong. He’s always been strong. Most of the time his strength is the only thing he has.
“I know!” Thor can’t help yelling back. “I know! And I know it is likely they’ll try again for some reason I won’t understand until someone tells me what it is because I am so gods damned dimwitted! So dull I keep the brother that has betrayed me protected for fear of him dying in my arms again! So dull I sleep in the same room as the sister who has tried to kill me in cold blood! So fucking dull that I still love them despite how they have hurt me…” In spite of all his strength, tears burn his eye.
His emotion has done its job somehow. The Valkyrie stands before him stunned into quiet, her mouth suddenly cinched shut and eyebrows low. She doesn’t attempt to say anything, rather turns and stalks away like a predator. She will be back.
Thor squeezes his eye shut, willing the tears away. They have no right to be there. He isn’t capable of this but he has to be. There is no other option. His chest won’t stop heaving from the confrontation.
Thor glances behind him at the shuffling he finally remembers. His siblings are putting away the meager weapons they could bear, considering their seidr usage is at all time lows. Thor’s barely hanging onto his own.
He doesn’t look long. He doesn’t want to see their expressions. Instead, he slams the door of their shared room closed and walks away.
The look on his face must be severe as no one he comes across speaks to him.
When Thor finds himself a cold, dark nook that is completely unoccupied, he sits down. He folds his knees up to his chest, he holds his arms over his head, and he breaks.
Silently.
…
The Valkyrie doesn’t keep her new knowledge a secret. Soon, Heimdall and Bruce know and seek him out for answers. Thor is composed by then as he has long since mastered the art of weeping subtly.
He has nothing to say but the truth. Heimdall is as passive as he can ever be and Bruce is disappointed. Not angry, thankfully. Yet they both still radiate disapproval. Thor has not pleased anyone in a very long time. He is very used to this look.
They don’t pester him but Valkyrie does when she finally finds him. She’s calmer but just as irate, and she does not hold back on biting his head off.
“You’re a fool! They cannot be trusted and you surely haven’t been sleeping based on those bags under your eyes! I had no idea when I joined this mission that you would fold over a whim for a man that almost trapped us on Sakaar!”
“I don’t trust them,” Thor hissed back. There was no room in him for geniality. And her rage was justified. “I have not trusted Loki in a long time, I have learned my lesson. But they are all I have left of my family and I am not losing more!”
“Your family is fake!” She pushes him hard enough to slam him into the metal wall. It’s freezing. He’s freezing. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. His family was always fake and he hadn’t realized it until his mother died. He had been trying to hold it together while it was falling apart in his hands. “They don’t care about you, Thor! If they did, Loki would not have put you in this position! Hela would not have tried to kill you at your birth! Odin would not have left her for you to finish off!”
Why can’t anyone see that he is drowning. The last ten years have been the longest in his fifteen centuries of life, and they only seem to get worse. He doesn’t know anything, he is not all-powerful, and he is not a hero. Maybe he once was but not anymore.
He doesn’t know what to do. Someone needs to tell him what to do. He is a weapon, nothing more nothing less. He is a tool for others to use to gain that which they do not have. His father’s peaceful end, his mother’s golden fool, his sister’s vengeance, and his brother’s heel. What purpose does he have to his family if not a shield?
He has nothing but them and the people on this ship. There is no winning here.
Thor pushes her back just as hard, denting the metal behind her. His muscles burn with the strain of not releasing his own anger. He has been angry forever and he thought he had let it go but it merely lay dormant. And now he is too unpredictable to keep it contained.
He can’t find anything to say because all the Valkyrie speaks is the truth. They love only what he can do for them.
She lets him walk away.
…
Thor is afraid his siblings will be gone when he enters their room. So much so he avoids it like the plague. He doesn’t really have reason to be in there anyway. Valkyrie was right about his lack of sleep and the few hours he gets can be gained whenever he has a chance to be alone. It wasn’t as if he were in there a lot previously with his new kingship.
He lasts through this routine for a week straight before Bruce comes to him with concerns for his health as well as Hela and Loki. He says that if Thor hasn’t been in there then no one has and it is unlikely they are sitting quietly. Thor takes it to heart since he never knows Loki’s next move. That night, he gathers the little courage he has and approaches the room.
He is silent when entering and heads straight into the en suite. After shutting the door, he releases a sigh. He doesn’t know whether it’s relief or trepidation that his siblings remain.
One downside of having avoided their room is his utmost need for a shower. Cold water will have to do because that’s all they have. It still makes him feel clean.
He puts his armor back on afterwards, unable to stare at the man in his reflection. His wounds still appear fresh from Hela’s poisoned blade and sting with every movement. They have stopped bleeding but remain black in nature, sure to scar deeply as untreated as they have been left. He doesn’t trust his siblings enough to allow them to see he is vulnerable and the rest of the ship’s medical supplies are being used on the Aesir who were injured in Ragnarok.
Hela and Loki are on opposite sides of the room. No matter where Thor chooses to sit, he will have either one at his back and front. It appears purposeful but Thor knows it’s rather the tension between them that is cause for the distance. Hela is stiff on a couch, injured the most but still deadly capable and healing surprisingly well compared to Thor’s own wounds. Loki sits on a pulled out chair, his burns decreased significantly and now able to conjure a tome.
Neither look at Thor. And neither speak a word. Their silence is frigid and he wonders what went down in the week of his absence for it to be so charged. It makes his hair stand on end.
Thor definitely isn’t going to be the one to break it.
He chooses to have neither at his back and lays on the unoccupied bed. Loki is closest to him but Thor can live with that as long as he’s in his eye line. He only has one eye now, he has to learn better vigilance. Loki wouldn’t ambush him while injured anyway as it would end unhappily for both parties.
Rest is impossible in this limbo. There is no way for him to relax completely in the presence of what’s meant to be his family. It truly is awful and Thor has to sit with the Valkyrie’s irate words in the presence of the cause. Heimdall and Bruce didn’t exactly hold back their own incrimination. He can only imagine how much worse it’ll become once his people find out the truth.
Time passes slowly.
It is… supposedly late when Thor speaks. Hela appears asleep but Thor has no idea if she truly is or perhaps if she’s just a light sleeper. Either way, he finds enough ease to ask Loki something that’s been on his mind the past week.
“When was the last time you loved me truly, Loki?” Thor stares up at the ceiling. His lightning hums gently under his skin but it feels distant, separate from him. He doesn’t feel like himself. “I know I have long been a buffoon but I cannot remember when you didn’t find me grating. When we had genuine conversation that didn’t succumb to argument. Was it my first coronation? Or was that soliloquy off your silver tongue?”
Silence reigns for a long time. When Thor looks over bravely, Loki is asleep too. He wonders how long Loki has been sleeping or if this is a trick to not have to listen to Thor grovel. It can’t be because Loki would love an opportunity to witness such a feat. Shame it is in the private of two sleeping wolves.
Shame Thor could not say what he truly wanted to ask. Why am I the golden warrior? What am I except Odin’s beard? Why can you only love me when I am hurting? I don’t think I am the hero I thought I was.
Why are you still here?
…
Thor is gone when Hela awakens. His words to the air last night, to a Loki who wasn’t listening, had felt more honest than she believes their little brother deserves. She doesn’t know everything about their lives but she’s witnessed enough to know Loki is very rarely honest. The distant echo of them makes her angry.
She believes the dishonest deserve dishonesty and the honest deserve honesty. It is why she has yet to lie to Thor, no matter how little she says. He believes her wholeheartedly because that’s all he can do. When he doesn’t, he speaks it outright. She admires the tenacity and crudeness. It is refreshing to Loki’s deceitful words and twisting phrases that she’s been subject to for one whole week alone with him.
It is not her place to interfere regardless. This is a brother feud. Her brothers but also not. She wasn’t there and she’d made certain she wouldn’t be by trying to kill Thor as a babe. She doesn’t know why she’s here now but she supposes Loki sees himself in her.
It’s disgusting. They disgust her. Odin truly wins no awards as a father.
She knows Loki’s awake. He’s been faking for a while now.
“You are cruel to Thor.” She doesn’t care. She doesn’t care.
“He is cruel to me.” Loki mutters, eyes rolling as he opens them. He is almost fully healed and will soon be gaining his seidr back. It frightens her a little. She is still far from having the reserves she used to.
“Hardly.”
“I don’t see how it is any of your business.”
“I am here due to a choice you made, brother.” She bites hard, baring her teeth in a facsimile of a smile. “One you made in spite of what I did to our brother and the Aesir. One you made without knowledge of what I have done before then.”
“A decision I am suddenly regretting.”
“I had my hand wrapped around our brother’s tiny little throat and he could not fight me off. I massacred Odin’s troops to get to him and wounded his witch of a wife in the process. I stained him with the blood of our people and grinned as he wailed. I wanted to kill him. He was there only to take my place. And I was this close to succeeding.” She pinches her fingers together. She doesn’t mention how Odin injured her and made her drop the babe, how he yelled for her betrayal to their people and stripped her of her rights, how he banished her with her own weapon. “He only protects me because you wish it so.”
“Thor protects the helpless,” Loki scoffs. “Why do you think he loves Midgard? Surrounds himself with Midgardian friends? He only defeats enemies who can fight back.”
“No. He is helpless.” Hela crosses her arms and begins to pick at her nails. She is bored with Loki and Thor. She is bored with her continued existence because she doesn’t actually know why she’s still alive. “Everyone else just takes advantage of that fact.” Even you.
And he lets them. Because he’s a weapon. Like me.
Loki doesn’t respond and Hela pretends the stiffness is his alone. She hates everything about this. Her own helplessness, Loki’s abrasiveness, and Thor’s kingship. They are not where any of them want to be.
She doesn’t care. She swears she doesn’t care.
…
“You are healing but very slowly.” Loki inspects Hela’s injuries from afar after Thor makes his observation. “Do you need to clean them again? I can get more food if that will help.”
Hela pulls her burned arms closer out of habit. Exposed weakness is a target but she also doesn’t truly believe her brothers will hurt her. She just doesn’t understand why.
“They are fine.”
They barely speak to each other. Something hangs over them in the air. Either the possibility of their fragile coexistence falling apart or of the Aesir discovering her existence and performing a coup to kill all that relates to the throne. (Why did Loki save her? And why is Thor allowing it?)
Thor’s lips purse but he doesn’t dissuade her answer. Rather, he goes to the sink and fills a basin, grabbing a cloth along the way. His voice is tense as he approaches her, “You cannot reach them all yourself.”
“I said, they’re fine!” She pushes up irately, hands tensing to draw that which she cannot.
Thor’s body stiffens and he flinches minutely in the face. He hides it well physically if not for his eye. It speaks countless tomes despite its halved sight. Loki behind him arches his brow curiously and his head tilts in confusion at Thor’s pause. Hela doesn’t notice, too distracted with her realization.
Thor is scared of her. No, that’s not it. He is trying to help clean her wounds. Fear would not permit that. He expects her to be violent. He’s expecting her to strike his nicety away. That’s all she’s given him anyway.
“Fine.” She settles, turning her back to her brother and straightening her shoulders. “If you wish.”
Her own brash movements remove the robes she was given to clothe with. She holds them close to her chest and allows her brothers to bear witness to her complete vulnerability to their whims. At this moment, they could kill her. She wouldn’t make it easy but she is limited with her lack of seidr. Most of which was spent trying to block the flames of Surtur. She had hardly succeeded in that endeavor.
The burns on her back were blackened with soot and ash. You could almost see the shapes of her ribs through the charred muscle. Loki cursed in a hushed manner while Thor did not give any verbal reaction.
One of his hands hesitated to rest on her shoulder, steadying her as his other reached out with the cloth. He gently began to clean. The process was almost more painful than the burns themselves. Not that she showed it.
Hela thought about their situation more as silence persisted. She could block out the pain easily enough. The dynamic is confusing.
Her, who only met Thor once before where he’d have no memory of it and she’d be attempting to kill him, never having had siblings. Thor, betrayed yet kind and made to fulfill a golden prophecy, as an alleged oldest brother. Loki, scorned and defensive with only a shadow to follow, as the youngest. They have no memory of her and her own of Thor was about purpose.
Why is Thor caring for her injuries? Why is Loki seemingly uncaring yet the one who saved her? And why do they hate each other?
She doesn’t understand any of it. She wonders if, in private, Thor had tended to Loki’s wounds as he’s doing for hers. Or if perhaps Loki had done Thor’s. Maybe Thor only points hers out now because they are on the verge of healed and don’t see her as much of a threat.
Whatever is going on, her guard will never falter. She does know how unpredictable Loki is and how persistent Thor can be.