Chapter Text
"Black sugar
Keep it
Up 'till the dawn
You're the trigger
Killer
Eye of the storm
But if there's no desire
To get back out alive
You're a hero?"
“To my dear Historia…”
Historia closed the letter. She wasn’t ready to re-read it, she realized. The day was tough as is — sudden memories of Ymir’s fate still haunted her, several days later, even through the medal ceremony. At first she thought, maybe if she touched it again, she will see more. Maybe that’ll help to settle those she received already.
But now it was just a piece of paper with some ink. Written a bit messy, clearly in a hurry.
Her Trost residence suddenly felt small and suffocating, alien even, with all the fancy chairs, tables full of papers waiting for her, guards by the door. Historia looked through the window. It didn’t help much — now, knowing the truth about outside world, she always shivered seeing their walls. Beyond lied a giant world full of hate and war.
It was a matter of time until that world returns again to kill them all… And it was Historia’s responsibility to do something about it.
Ymir knew all along.
And never said a word.
In the end, she chose to sacrifice herself for a couple of so-called ‘warriors’, as Grisha referred to them in notebooks. Historia thought she’s already done with fury. Back then she couldn’t believe Ymir abandoned her for some enemies.
Now it looked even worse.
Ymir contributed to the world hating everyone inside the walls, didn’t reveal a single secret in five years, said she didn’t regret anything except them not marrying. Historia used to comfort herself by thinking of Ymir’s big, soft heart. So soft she wanted to repay her debt to the warriors and disregard someone she loved.
After reading the letter, seeing the memories and knowing the truth Historia was completely lost. It was all a mess. What was Ymir even thinking?.. Was she thinking at all? Was she just silly enough to not bother with matters like helping the world she was trying to hide in?
Were they meant to be, after all?
Historia doubted Ymir would like her now. So many loud words about living for themselves, not bending to anyone’s wishes — yet in the end one sacrificed herself to save mass-murderers and the other became a Queen because she had to. At the same time, she ditched the world for one person. Something Ymir, Historia now knew for sure, would never do.
What did Ymir see looking at Krista? What, in her mind, lied beneath the surface? Back then it was obvious — something real, something they can figure out together, what Historia had no idea about.
Then she became that bleak persona, shattered and empty, without any goals, driven by duty and a couple of kind words she never expected to hear.
“Live your life with pride”.
“You’re just a normal girl”.
Only in crystal caves, seeing Eren bleeding and crying, Historia started to grasp what she really was — someone willing to help the abandoned and unwanted and at the same time willing to abandon the world for a single friend. Maybe Ymir was that controversial as well.
But was she proud of her five-year silence?
Historia sadly smiled. She probably never even considered this. Or maybe… just maybe… was convinced it’s better this way? Was concerned for her own safety? Ymir claimed she wanted to live for herself and revealing those secrets would’ve put her in grave danger. Maybe she would get arrested like Eren or even killed. The government tried to get rid of him for a long, long time.
Chaotic thoughts clashed and contradicted one another and Historia, once thinking that Ymir was actually really simple and easy-to-understand, now felt the complete opposite.
It didn’t ease her pain though.
More like made it worse.
It’s been almost three months since Ymir’s left her. Deep wounds finally started to heal — or maybe Historia just learnt to ignore them while working as a Queen and visiting the orphanage. Some part of her desperately hoped Ymir’d be back.
This love letter murdered any hope left and the basement just complicated everything more than Historia could ever imagine.
Then an idea came to her. What if Eren touched the letter? Or they touched it together? Maybe then some of them will get more memories, maybe even explaining this behavior?
Historia almost rushed to the door when the medal ceremony came to mind. Eren kissing her hand and suddenly looking deeply shocked and horrified, so much so he almost forgot where he was. It probably wasn’t the best idea to bother him now…
Good girl Krista would shove away all her worries and go comfort him whenever possible. Historia wanted to ask him about it, too. But now she was overwhelmed with her own emotions and didn’t feel like it — and if she was going to ask for help, she’ll have to deal with it as well. At least for her own sake.
Damn, sometimes Historia still had a hard time separating her own wishes from old Krista habits and it was one of those cases.
She put the letter on a table and stood up, her head spinning and her heart bleeding for Ymir. She was always good at seeing when Historia lied and acted and when glimpses of something real showed up — much better than Historia herself.
And it would be so, so nice to see her pretty freckles, to hear one of her snarky remarks and to silently agree to one of her sudden marriage proposals again.
Just once.
Back then, Historia used to imagine her all the time. This evening, the image returned with this letter.
It didn’t really matter why Ymir was silent. She was the one to save Historia from Krista and always will be the first guiding light in her life — since Frieda kept erasing memories.
“No matter what happens… I’m on your side!”
Saying this, Historia didn’t even realize how true those words turned out to be. Ymir left her, didn’t tell her anything about outside world and brought back her Titan for their enemies… yet Historia still grieved her.
Tomorrow, with clearer head, she’ll go see Eren and they will figure out all this memory stuff. This evening — it was Historia’s only. She will allow herself one more moment of weakness.
No visitors. No talks. Just this letter and her hurting heart.
Her morning began with a meeting — again. Historia did her best to keep herself in check, to listen to military strategy about eliminating all the Titans nearby… on Paradis.
It was still so weird to hear this word. To live on an island named by someone else, to suddenly be assigned a nation she never chose and a country they didn’t know existed. It all reminded about Historia’s own royal revelation. Everything was different now. Did anyone else feel the same way?
Well… they didn’t really have a choice but to accept this — at least, it was not a big deal compared to everything else on her mind.
Historia glanced at Eren quickly but decided to think about finding him later or she may miss something important. Still, she felt shivers going down her spine when she noticed how gloomy he looked. And hoped nobody noticed that their Queen is so damn scared.
Nothing was safe now. Only with Ymir Historia could get rid of fear — no one else could’ve done that for her.
She answered rare questions, signed some papers, nodded at propositions to build more weapons on the walls with Eren’s hardening to get rid of Titans… And each time she did so her fear grew stronger.
Like a ticking clock over her head.
As if this outside world — this Marley ‘country’ — has already decided their next attack and she was wasting time listening to arguments about whether Eren should only do hardening or go hunting Titans himself. Both were a risk — either waiting for too long or to lose their only trump card.
If it was up to Historia, she’d probably stand for the latter. Just to deal with it faster. It’s not like they could afford going for safer options — they never could, really. And a couple pure Titans won’t beat him anyways. Unfortunately, her opinion almost never mattered, everyone knew that, and it would be disregarded — she was but a figurehead. Even with the orphanage… Only Captain Levi’s support brought this project to life.
So, when they decided to go with hardening-only, she was not surprised. Disappointed. At herself and at them.
Every such meeting revived good girl Krista. She would be a wonderful puppet queen for the military… and Historia was often forced back into that role.
Then came another meeting and more, and more — public opinions on truth, panic rising, school history books, plans to reinhabit Wall Maria… Problems just kept popping up day after day.
Leaving for a short rest, Historia felt like her back was about to break. With all that, she was still sometimes thinking of Ymir, her letter and those memories and all together she shouldered what felt like not one but two worlds. Sometimes, when that weight was becoming impossibly heavy and she was ready to hear her bones crack and muscles burn, she wished to revert the reveal.
To go back… back… to where exactly?
She only had a few cherished moments in Utgard Castle and later, when they were chasing Ymir. When their bright, happy future seemed inevitable. Before lied Krista and after — after everything started to fall apart, tainted by the departure.
Historia frowned. Yesterday she promised herself a clear head and was going to keep that promise, unlike every day before, since she got the letter. So she had to talk to Eren. This way, maybe, she’ll finally be able to sort memories or gain new ones and hold her emotions under control.
Long corridors where she wandered were full of MP’s who came to Trost with her. Even if they randomly met, Historia wouldn’t be able to just invite him to her office — that would create unnecessary rumors. It had to be some official deal. At least, it had to look like that. Privacy was almost non-existent for her now…
Except on the farm. But it was not an option, either. Eren will be busy with Wall Maria’s Titans for a few weeks at least and for months at worst — that is, if they’re lucky. If Hange was mistaken and outside of the wall there are more Titans… Or if this ‘Marley’ sent new ones…
Well, then Eren probably won’t show up on her farm for a whole year.
Historia absolutely had to meet him as soon as possible. Especially considering that her staying in Trost won’t be forever.
By the way, the farm… Historia remembered — there were already quite a few occasions when she tried to re-awake memories with Eren by holding hands. Jean once spotted them and started to tease every time they approached each other. Historia smiled. Even though it never once worked, those were good moments — ones when she finally started to feel better, to feel like she belonged.
When people around liked Historia and not Krista.
Then doubts rose. If memory awakening didn’t happen back then, what made her think it’ll happen now? But the letter… and Eren’s face at the ceremony… something must’ve changed! Maybe it only happened at a right time or in special place…
Oh! Place! Isn’t that what father told her in crystal caves? A trigger? In a place like this? Of course the farm didn’t work — it only resembled her childhood and Historia already got memories of Frieda back! For Eren, probably, it was also useless! They had to visit other places important for Ymir — like Utgard Castle or the Forest of Giant Trees!
An idea flashed through her brain and Historia stopped. She knew now what to do and how to officially arrange their meetings.
“Good evening, Queen Historia”, Commander Hange entered her office.
“Good evening”, Historia smiled. “We need to talk privately”.
She looked at the MP’s by the door and they left without any objections — those two were among younger ones and respected her unlike many others.
It was nice having only Commander Hange in that fancy, alien room. Historia always liked her. And before being crowned, she served in Survey Corps under a real name, for a couple of weeks, but still… Even with fresh, bitter wound of losing Ymir, it was better than now.
She sighed, trying to regain confidence. The idea seemed good at first but now Historia couldn’t help but only see flaws in it. Mainly, the fact that Eren had to be in the battlefield. And what she wanted would require him elsewhere — also contradicting her wish to deal with the Titans as soon as possible.
Kind of bad for her land… for Paradis.
But wasn’t she the worst girl to ever live?
“Queen Historia?” Hange approached. “You must be exhausted. We can speak later if you feel like resting”.
“No, sorry about that. And please, just Historia. We’re not in public”.
Commander’s warm smile and concern touched Historia. Even now she cared much more than all those royal guards and maids… She must understand.
“So, did you want to discuss something? Or ask?”
“Yes. It’s about memories”.
“The ones you and Eren received in Reiss’ caves?” Hange livened up a bit. “Did you remember something else?”
“No, but I have an idea how to make that happen. We got them when we touched each other in specific conditions… with my father present and in the cave where Grisha crushed the royal… my… family…”
Historia fell silent for a bit, trying to structure her thoughts to sound more convincing and push away disturbing images. She was the first one to tell everyone it was necessary. But still couldn’t bear to think about Frieda’s dead body.
“Didn’t you try that before?” Hange raised her eyebrows. “On the farm? This was one of the reasons he was allowed to come help you”.
“Yes, but…” Historia exhaled. “The conditions were wrong. And something has changed, I think. I saw some memories of Ymir when I touched her letter. My father also mentioned that we need a trigger to remember something. So… what if we just did it wrong?”
“I got it… You want to go somewhere important for royal family to uncover more of it’s secrets, right?”
“Yes, that’s right”, Historia lied.
Not a single muscle flinched. She sounded as sincere as possible. During those years, she became an incredible liar — and now, in royal conditions, it turned out to be a great skill to have.
“Hm… Are you sure it would be worth it? You know better than me how much needs to be done and how important Eren is for the Survey Corps”.
Historia had an answer as well — she knew this question was coming.
“Yes, I am. Eren once mentioned he saw a couple of Frieda’s memories. That means, it is possible to get those not only from previous holder but from all of them. We may even find out the way to break the vow renouncing war”.
It was her trump card. Best argument — and the most dangerous one. Because it may actually be true, which means…
“But in that case you’ll have to inherit Eren’s Founder”, Hange quietly responded. “You refused to do so, didn’t you?”
“Everything is different now. The war is coming and all of Paradis is in danger. I, as a Queen, am responsible for my people, and this is the least I can do”.
Historia gave lies fluently, one after another, like it was nothing.
This will never happen. Even if they really discover how to break the vow — the method may go to hell. She made her choice once. She will do the same again.
“I see… Of course, if you do, this will be our last resort. I’ll do my best to find a better way”.
“Yes. Also, my father had spinal fluid for hardening. If he had something else, hidden far away, it would be nice to know”.
“Maybe even something about Titan’s origins”, Hange’s eyes sparked. “Fine, I’ll try to figure something out. If we only use Eren for creating weapons with hardening, he will have to rest upon using his powers…”
“It shouldn’t a problem as long as I reside in Trost. After that we will assess the results and decide if we should continue”.
“But are there places significant for Reiss family?”
Historia frowned slightly — this was something she didn’t have an answer to. Truth be told, there weren’t. What’s more important, there were no significant places for Ymir as well. Sure, there was a battle and they often trained nearby, but… Neither her nor Ymir took part in that battle. And cadet days probably won’t explain anything about odd decisions.
“Orvud is the northern district of Wall Sheena”, she replied slowly. “It would be ideal to start. Especially the remains of Reiss chapel and the farm my father owned. But it will take a few days to get there. We can’t afford that”.
“I know, of course. We will eventually have the opportunity to visit those places”, Hange glanced at the map, hanging above Historia’s working table. “When we setup hardening weapons in Utopia. But I asked about now”.
Then another idea sparked.
“Maybe it’s not only about places. Maybe also emotions or something else entirely. It’s a trigger, after all. It could be anything”.
“This is… kind of vague…” Hange doubted but then suddenly smiled. “Reminds me of my struggles to figure out how Eren’s Titan power works. There was also something peculiar… When he spent an hour in Titan body, he started to write on ground ‘what my father did to me’. We thought it’s just nonsense. But…”
“So, he saw parts of the memory he got in crystal caves…” Historia whispered.
“Yes! His memory was cloudy after that but still it lines up with your theory. You are right. We know close to nothing about all that memory stuff. We have to continue searching for answers”.
Historia allowed herself to relieve a little bit. It was a victory — a victory, built on lies and fake promises. Later she’ll also have to think about her future conversation with Eren. How to explain to him what she really wanted. And how to tell Hange about zero results.
But he will be on Historia’s side. He was the first one to like her real self. And supported her ever since. They will make up some believable story… at least, she hoped so.
“And also, Commander Hange…”
“You have some other ideas?”
“Please, keep it a secret as much as possible. If people knew I regularly spend time with him, there will be rumors… We may have problems”.
Hange nodded with a serious look.
“Even among the military”, Historia insisted. “I cannot guarantee results. If they found out we spent time on this project and got nothing, we may never have a chance to recover something later on”.
“So, you want me to issue some other order for Eren, without memories?”
“Precisely. There is also another reason… you can probably guess it”.
“If you really find how to break the vow, the military will force you to eat Eren immediately, as soon as we get more spinal fluid”.
Historia pursed her lips. She was almost sure they won’t find anything about that, even if they actually tried, but the possibility of killing her friend and becoming a Titan still frightened her.
“What a task! Guess I’ll need some time to wrap my head around it…” Hange stretched and shook her head, “Who could’ve thought our Queen is also a nice Titan scientist? I’d hire you as my assistant if I could!”
Historia cackled. If only Hange knew the true reasons, she wouldn’t be so eager to accept this plan.
But it reminded about nice times when they were all ignorant and when Hange would come to Survey Corps dining room, declaring some new theories and looking for Eren or human assistants.
“Thank you for understanding, Commander”.
“Never mind. Plus, I guess you might need some friendly support after all this basement disaster, right?” Hange winked, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to think about my new secret royal order”.
“O-of course…”
Historia, surprised by her last statement, watched her closing the door and then loudly sighed. It seems this memory excuse wasn’t the only thing to make Hange agree, after all… not that it was bad or anything.
Well, maybe now not only Jean will make hand-holding jokes.