Chapter Text
On nights when he was too wired, when it was stiflingly warm or even when sleep just seemed to evade him, Kaeya scaled the precariously tall city wall on the eastern side and left Mondsdtat City to jaunt through the surrounding countryside.
There was of course, the option of just leaving through the front gates of the city instead of risking his neck. His status as Cavalry Captain would effectively dispel any questioning anyone else in that situation would be subjected to and it would be far quicker than his usual methods. But that nosey guard, Swan, would no doubt badger Jean the next morning on what 'secret mission' he had been on the previous night, at which point Jean, (meaning well), would summon him to her office and ask him what was wrong in private. The poor woman was already falling over herself trying to cope with her massive workload and as a close friend, he really didn't think it was right to add any more to her overflowing plate.
Besides, he liked the challenge of scaling those impossibly high walls and the small, heady rush of pride he felt when he got to the top without breaking a sweat.
Once he had managed to steady himself, he would wait for a strong gust of wind to blow his way, before deploying his wind glider and soaring away, scouring the open lands of Mond for a place to wander that suited his mood at the time.
On days when he felt like he couldn't breathe in his cramped room, he would roam the sprawling open plains of Windrise, collecting the Windwheel Asters scattered around, or wading in the deliciously cold pool of water behind the great tree where the crystalflies would come perch on his fingers when he coaxed them. Sometimes, he would come across that perpetually drunk bard, Venti, who would offer to recite his newest verse to him provided, of course, that Kaeya treat him at the tavern the next time they met.
Kaeya would agree amusedly and perch on the steps in front of the Statue of the Seven and listen to Venti sing with practiced ease, strumming his beautiful lyre as the wind danced around them, drowning out all other noise, the moonlight catching his hair in a way that made it look like his teal-tipped braids were glowing.
When he felt particularly raw or vulnerable, usually after he'd had one drink too many, he would make his way to the Whispering Woods. Under the thick canopy of trees, it seemed like his every facet was completely hidden from prying eyes and he could breathe a little more freely. As a bonus, he could also scour the nearby hillichurl camps and clear out any that were too rambunctious, saving himself the pains of doing it later in the day.
Some nights, when memories of Khaenri'ah came unbidden into his mind and looking at his ceiling (rough and stony and a deep gray in colour like the mass of debris that covered every inch of the skies that he had looked up to as a young child, was it getting closer, trapping him in?), did nothing to distract him, he would climb the slopes of Cape Oath until he reached the cliff peak and drink in the sight of the stars in the sky, the sound of the waves crashing into the rocks below and the smell of the salty sea breeze. The feeling of being free.
And nights like this, when he was just feeling nostalgic for happier times, he tramped through Wolvendom, towards the peaks overlooking the Dawn Winery.
Behind the arena of the legendary guardian of Wolvendom, there was a grassy knoll on the hill that separated Mond and Liyue where he and Diluc had spent many a happy afternoon as children, barefoot in the soft grass, pelting each other with pinecones and sitting on the edge of the hill, trying to seek out the Noctua Owl constellation in the stars above Teyvat. There, they could avoid being seen and therefore remembered, so Adelinde, busy with her work at the manor, did not seek them out to take their baths or do their studies and they romped and played and stargazed to their hearts content.
Archons above, Diluc...
Just thinking of his name nowadays sent Kaeya into a massive downward spiral. Standing here, knowing all that he did, he felt the familiar beginnings of regret.
He'd thought of it often, turning back time back to that day in the rain wondering of a hundred different ways it could have ended. He thought back to summers spent lazily lounging in the library or on the beach, eating ice creams and drinking grape juice, doing nothing but listening as Diluc kept up an endless stream of conversation and yearning for simpler times. He thought what it would mean to him, now, having Diluc back in his life.
Maybe he wouldn't have had to worry about waking anyone when his nightmares woke him up with a broken scream on his lips. Maybe he wouldn't have to spend hours methodically drinking glass after glass at the tavern every night to silence the voice in his mind that hissed- traitor, sinner, cursed- all hours of the day.
Maybe, maybe, Diluc would be here with him, on the nights couldn't bear to face his thoughts, himself. And they'd sit on the knoll and Diluc would try and distract him by talking about something ridiculous, some half-assed joke and Kaeya would throw his head back and laugh, not the polite chuckle he used to charm his way out of situations, the genuine article..
The more he seemed to think about it, the further he fell into his stupor. Most visits here ended like this, with him drowning in an ocean of long-forgotten memories and endless 'what-ifs', before the crowing of the birds in the trees served to remind him that a new day had dawned.
What was done, was done, and four long years had passed. Diluc grew up. So did he. But still, some part of him dreamed, yearned- there was no point thinking about what might have been (but he would, he always would)
No matter how much he wished Diluc here with him, he wasn't going to come. That bridge had been burnt a long time ago and it wasn't going to fix itself.
As he looked towards the grapevines in the distance wistfully, the wind picked up again, swirling leaves around his feet and Kaeya was sorely tempted, completely out of the blue, to go off on another flight across the glittering river that straddled the Winery and the golden shores on which he had played and romped back when fulfilling a destiny was the least of his worries .
When he was here all alone, looking at the vast expanse of land that seemed to stretch on forever, time really didn't feel like an existent entity to him and it would remain dark and quiet for as long as he wanted. But lingering too long broke that spell, because today, he could see the sun edging its way in through the tapestry of stars in the midnight sky and Kaeya decided, screw it, he could afford one last joyride before morning arrived bearing all his responsibilities.
Slowly, he made his way to the edge of the knoll, legs braced in a jumping stance, waiting for the wind to pick up, and no sooner had he felt it than he deployed his wing glider and took off.
Or at least, he tried to.
The damn thing had only just unfurled when a sickening snap cut through the air and he realized that he should have leapt a little further. The right wing was snagged by a particularly sharp rock jutting out of the cliff wall at an odd angle and Kaeya was jerked backwards, pain exploding across his back as the recoil slammed him against the stone, the impact so sharp and sudden that for a dizzy second he could only stare at the dark blur of sky above him, stunned, his ears ringing.
Gasping in pain, he twisted himself, one arm on the left wing trying to save it from the same fate, and the other struggling to remove the right wing without tearing it. His fingers were trembling uselessely, fumbling with the fabric. Beneath him was a drop of about fifteen feet, straight onto a pile of scattered rocks. A handful of Cryo slimes were eyeing him eagerly. The wind was beginning to slow down, and if he didn't free himself in time, it would make no difference and he would still plummet into the rocks below and shatter his skull. Panic was slowly beginning to overtake him.
The sharp rock slowly began piercing through the right wing with such ease, as though the thick canvas was butter mellow. He could feel it thinning around him, the last helpful gusts slipping away like sand through a sieve.
And just then, Kaeya noticed that the blades of grass above him had stopped swaying to and fro and the leaves had gone quite still.
He laughed, a hysteric, defeated noise.
Was this really going to be his end? He was, by all accounts, a dramatic person at heart. He had always thought that he would either die in his own time, in a spectacular, theatrical way or at the very least, swiftly and painlessly, surrounded by loved ones. But now, death loomed over the horizon as sure as the sun, and he was going to die alone, in a most gruesome and drawn out manner, in the backyard of his childhood flame. That was beyond pathetic, even for him.
Do sinners deserve to have a noble death?
He swallowed hard, tasting metal. The sun was almost completely up. It was a peaceful scene on which to end a life.
Who would find his body? Who would weep for him?
There was a sharp tearing noise and suddenly, the ground was coming closer. Or maybe he was falling, he didn't really care. If that land beyond Teyvat where all lost souls went was real, (and if he did really belong there), he would be meeting Master Crepus again, very soon.
He hit the ground with a sickening crunch and went ragdoll limp, losing all feeling in his body and smiled as the pain of the impact lessened and the light behind his eyes grew brighter. A sharp gasp, the sound of which made him want to curl into himself further.
A falcon cried, loud and high in the distance and he heard the beating of its wings echo through the silent morning air.
"-eya, KAEYA!"
Somebody was calling for him. They seemed frantic. Was this really how the dead called out to each other?
"Kaeya, Archons above- what-what did you-"
He was jerked upright. There was a hand supporting his back, another cradling his face. They felt warm..... alive?
He forced his eyes open and through a haze of tears, Kaeya saw him - Crepus- Flaming red hair, high collared coat, ruby eyes. He was finally, finally dead.
But why did Master Crepus sound so panic-stricken? Why were his hands so warm that Kaeya could feel them through layers of clothing? Why was a delusion swinging from his hip even in death?
"Kaeya, Kaeya can you see me? Can you hear me Kae, say something! I have to keep you alive until the healers get here Kae, please, please get up!"
Healers? There were healers in the afterlife too? Could one have a physical body there?
"-arbara is on her way, she'll be here in just a bit Kayea, you're going to be fine-"
Barbara? As far as he knew, the young deaconess was still perfectly alive.
Master Crepus was still holding him, stroking his hair softly like he would when Kaeya would climb into his bed during thunderstorms, after nightmares and all the silly, childish reasons in between. The pain in his head intensified, he wanted so badly to fall asleep again.
He smiled up at the face above him, the still rising sun behind the hair making it look like a lit flame and mumbled something about being tired and closed his eyes, falling comfortably into a deep, dreamless sleep.
After all, Father would be there when he woke up again.
When he opened his eyes again, it was to a high, vaulted ceiling and the cloying scent of honeysuckle flowers. There was music floating into the room from somewhere distant, the quivering notes of a lyre and he felt like he was swathed in clouds, the fabric covering his body was so soft and airy. His head was still hurting but the pain was definitely more muted and he knew it was healing well from the telltale cool, wet sensation that surrounded the wound. This was a pleasant way to wake up. It really did feel like some sort of heaven. He wondered what the rest of the room looked like?
The moment he made the slightest attempt to raise himself up to a sitting position, there was something pushing him straight back down.
"You really must not exert yourself Sir Kaeya! You barely made it out of the woods, please don't exert yourself or do anything particularly strenuous right now!" A stern voice ordered him. He turned to his side.
Barbara stood there, both hands reaching towards him as though to force him down again if he tried to get up. Her usually well combed and styled hair was falling apart, there were dark circles under her eyes and the tucked in frills and shirring's of her dress looked like they had been adjusted in a hurry, spilling out of the belt around her waist and smeared with stains. She looked bone tired.
"... Ah Dea-deaconess, where am I?" His voice was hoarse and raspy with disuse and his throat suddenly felt parched.
"The infirmary. At the Church. You've been down for the count for over three days now". Barbara clarified as she turned her back to him and began rummaging through a chest of drawers beside his bed.
Infirmary. Church?
Kaeya looked around and at once he saw the finer details that he missed during his first assessment of the room. The miniature marble carving of Barbatos on a pedestal in the corner, vines on the side of the church wall that curled over the window sill and into the room, the white mahogany drawers of medicine, The sun shone brightly outside of the window and it looked to be mid morning. If he strained his ears, he could hear the bustling of the crowds going in and about the Church to offer their prayers.
"Am- am I still alive?" he asked, disbelieving. That fall would have killed anyone in a matter of minutes, and the slimes would have finished the job otherwise.
"Yes, " She hesitated for a minute too long before continuing, "... Master Diluc found you lying on the rocks a little way outside of Dawn Winery. You're lucky he was passing through there on a morning walk! He did his best to stop the bleeding on his own and sent his falcon to the Church to alert me," Barbara's voice faltered then, becoming shaky, "You could have died Sir Kaeya, you almost did. If both Master Jean and I weren't at the Church at that time, you.... I don't think you.."
She tapered off. It was evident that she was close to tears. Yet even though he knew the right thing to do at the moment, to hold off the questions until later and try and comfort her instead, his heart was beating almost out of his chest and he didn't think he could handle that constant thump of overwhelming curiosity.
"Dil- Master Diluc found me? He saved me?"
Barbara nodded, still fussing with the drawers, "He was really, well, really upset about it, I've never seen him so miserable. He's been coming over every day to visit you and I saw him cr-" She cut herself off before finishing and blushed slightly, busying herself pouring a few colourful liquids and herbs into a little mixing bowl. She didn't need to finish, because Kaeya could do that himself.
Diluc had come here to see him. Kaeya had sat by and watched as Diluc's father, his father had died but Diluc had kept him alive long enough for him to survive his injuries. Diluc had seen him lying on this bed, not knowing if he would ever wake up and he had cried because of it
Kaeya felt the bile rising in his throat and the room spinning. He wanted to be sick, wanted to feel the raw, disgusting burn of acid in his throat instead of the lump of pain and anger at himself and the nauseating circumstance of being alive. He had spent years going out of his way to build up walls between him and Diluc, tearing down a relationship that he treasured above anything just to lessen the blow of one day not being there by his side. Every major decision he had taken since that day and the years since had been a sort of way to minimize the radius of hurt, to not cause Diluc anymore grief than he already had. And now in a matter of a few days he had spectacularly gone and fucked it up.
He clutched the sheets so hard that his knuckles turned alarmingly white, trying to take deep breaths but suddenly it was like he'd forgotten how to do even that basic thing. He felt the walls closing in, pressing out the wind from his chest. He wanted to call forth the power of Cryo and plunge the sharp icicles of his Glacial Waltz into his heart. Even though it was pleasantly warm outside, he began to shiver violently, his eyes darting wildly across the room.
Thank gods that Barbara was turned away, else she might have gone into convulsions had she seen the state her patient was in. Kaeya thought about it. Was it the right thing to do, give the poor girl even more stress than she must have endured trying to keep him alive for so long?
He could not do that to her, he did not deserve to be so selfish, to treat her so carelessly.
He had to stop, he had to stop. He could stop if he died. But where would that leave her?
It didn't matter. His head lolled limply to the side, bringing a rush of blood with it. Maybe it would stop the pounding, end the pain.
Barbara turned to him with a small crystal vial filled with a syrupy green fluid. She thrust it into his hands along with a glass of water and instructed him, "Drink this, it'll help with the healing process."
He wanted to take that vial and chuck it out of a window. Damn the healing process.
But hadn't he already troubled Barbara enough? She didn't deserve to deal with his temper tantrums now. About this he was sure. So he took the proffered medicine with a word of murmured thanks and drank it, its bitter taste lingering even after he'd washed it down with water and leaned back against his pillows, grateful for the black wave of sleep that dragged him under immediately.