Work Text:
Tips for falling in love: Don’t.
Jisoo thought that looking from afar was enough to satisfy his heart. That watching him from a distance could quench the thirst of longing. He doesn’t want to get close enough, too afraid for him to see what lies under his skin. Jisoo is too afraid to let himself be known by the man he absolutely love and cherish.
Jisoo is a coward, he admits, and cowards deserve to suffer, he thought. But it’s only a matter of perspective— being able to love someone from a distance requires courage and strength after all. It’s Jisoo’s last strand of pride, clinging to it in an attempt to make himself feel better.
Jisoo’s love for him is only for himself.
Nobody can ever call him stupid for keeping it. It’s only his and will always be his.
Jisoo thought that everything will be fine if he locks it away in the deepest corner of his heart.
But he was wrong. Oh, how absolutely wrong he was.
A sudden pain appeared in his chest, making it too difficult for him to breathe. Jisoo felt like he’s drowning and at the same time, he’s burning. He didn’t notice when his fellow members came to his aid, but he was there. Jisoo caught a glimpse of his handsome face filled with worry and confusion.
“Jisoo, are you alright?! What’s going on?” he asked, clearly panicking
Jisoo tried to cough out a reply but he couldn’t. His throat was burning and he can feel that he’s choking on something. Something’s about to come out and Jisoo doesn’t know what it could be.
Somebody was patting his back and they kept on calling Jisoo’s name so that he wouldn’t slip into an unconscious state. A final push was what he needed and he was able to cough it out.
The members’ eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. Jisoo tried to compose himself, waiting for his vision to return to its normal state and when the haziness in his eyes completely faded, Jisoo focused his eyesight on the floor beneath him.
There, he can see what he coughed out.
Blue petals?
Jisoo picked one of the petals and observed it in between his fingers,
It was a rose petal.
Jisoo looked up and his eyes immediately locked with his.
He can see in those eyes a storm of confusion, worry and fear.
Jisoo gave him a small smile.
“I am fine. It’s nothing.” He reassured everyone
With that, he turned and walked away, leaving twelve boys in a catatonic state.
Leaving them in silent chaos.
Jisoo ran to the bathroom and locked himself there. He staggered towards the sink, turning the faucet on to splash himself some water. He took a deep breath before looking at his reflection in the mirror.
Jisoo noticed how paler he looked, his lips practically dry from the coughing fit he had a while ago.
Jisoo closed his eyes, moving away from the mirror to lean back on the wall for support. His knees gave out and he slumped on the bathroom floor. He hugged his knees closer to his chest and tears started cascading down his cheeks.
Jisoo thought it was only a mythical disease, but here he is, diagnosed with hanahaki disease.
Because of an unrequited love.
Jisoo laughed bitterly.
Never. I will never tell him. I’d rather die than to confess... I'm scared of his rejection.
Jisoo is a coward, and he will always be.
After the first coughing fit he had, Jisoo became much more distant not only to him, but also towards the other members. Jisoo doesn’t want to worry them, or more like, he doesn’t want to let them know about his disease. They already asked what happened and he only explained it as ‘magic’ so now, he’s trying to act normally so that they would let it go already. To bury it in the back of their minds.
Jisoo was careful enough not to let them know, and whenever he feels the constricting pain in his chest, he’d suddenly run off to somewhere else without them noticing. He became good at it and he’ll remain that way.
But Jisoo wasn’t the best. And so, somebody caught him.
Out of all people, it has to be him.
Jisoo groaned while cursing fate for playing tricks on him.
He was dragged by the wrist into a corner wherein nobody would pay attention to them as the other man interrogates him.
“Tell me what’s honestly going on because I really want to help you.”
“I don’t need help from you, Jun. I can handle it perfectly well on my own.” Jisoo emphasized the last two words, gently pushing Jun away from him as he mutters an “excuse me”
But Jun grabbed his wrist again to stop him
“Whatever it is, I will eventually find out.” Jun let go and walked away, clearly pissed because Jisoo refused to put his guard down. Again. Jun wondered why Jisoo is like that, why is he so afraid to let anyone in into his heart? To let anyone see his true self.
Jun only wanted to help him. He wants to save him.
But there’s no point in trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
A month has passed and Jisoo knew that the disease was getting serious. He knew that he couldn’t hide it anymore because every hour, he’d have a coughing fit here and there. And in addition, he’s coughing out a whole flower already.
It was a beautiful blue rose.
Tragically beautiful because it serves as a reminder of his unrequited love. A love that is so rare. A love that is unattainable. A love that is out of his reach and could never grasp. A love that is beautiful but equally tragic.
He should’ve known better.
“I love you.” Jisoo confessed
Jun stood still because he cannot believe what he’s hearing, Jisoo is actually confessing?
“I’ve always been in love with you. The moment my eyes fell upon you, I knew that you had my heart in your grasp right away. I was so scared. I’ve always been scared. I am a coward, Jun. And I deeply apologize about that. I’ve always thought that keeping it to myself will always be the best choice. That keeping it wholly to myself, love will grow fonder and hoped that eventually, it would reach you without me saying it. I am in love with you, Jun. But do you feel the same way?” Jisoo was trying to hold back his tears at this point
Jun’s heart ached for him, he should’ve known. Tears started to form in his eyes as he hugged Jisoo closer to himself, securing him tightly in his arms while inhaling his vanilla scent that Jun have always loved.
“I’ve been in love with you the moment I first saw you, silly.” Jun confessed
“I’ve always loved you but I was also a coward, Jisoo. I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry for putting you through that. My love wasn’t enough to match yours and I feel so ashamed. But then again, those who love purely are the ones who suffer the most, you are pure, Jisoo. Which I am not.”
Jun pulled back to look at Jisoo’s face, memorizing every detail, embedding it to his mind and soul. He looked into his mesmerizing eyes—the eyes that captivated him. A place where Jun got lost in an abyss filled with love for this man.
Jun watched Jisoo close his eyes, their heads leaning in. Jun’s heart was about to burst, he closed his eyes to focus on his beating heart as he tried to cast a calming spell on it.
Jun can almost taste Jisoo’s lips but when he opened his eyes
He was not there.
.
.
.
Jisoo appeared in his dreams, only to leave him again.
Jun put his hands against his face only to feel wet skin.
He’s been crying.
Jun looked to his right, on his side table there is a vase.
A vase filled with blue roses.
Jun laughed bitterly, how many years have passed? Six years?
Why is he even doing this to himself? Why does he always try his best to find these rare blue roses? Questions that don’t need any answers anymore actually.
Jun doesn’t care no matter how expensive the blue roses were, he’s always willing to pay any price just to remind himself the love that he almost had but lost.
If only he was braver, he could’ve saved him.
Jun grabbed his phone to look at the photo on his lock screen.
“Good morning, Jisoo. I missed you.”
He smiled painfully
“I love you.”
- f i n -