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As everyone already knew, Dan wasn’t a fan of marriage. Despite what he typically says, it’s not because he’s scared of commitment. Well, partly it is, but he’s never been scared of committing to Phil. Even through the hardest years, when he almost moved out due to work stress, Dan knew deep down that he never wanted to live without Phil. Phil was his anchor, his person, his home. These are things that he rarely admitted aloud to Phil because he wasn’t great at sharing his feelings outright, but he knew that Phil understood him. He knew that Phil knew how important he was to Dan.
There were a few moments after the hard launch that genuinely had Dan considering the concept of actually marrying Phil. They had spent the first years of their relationship joking about a timeline in which they got married, but it was never serious. Now, all the obstacles they once had were gone. If Dan wanted to marry Phil, he could. He wouldn’t have to worry about fans searching up their marriage certificate online to out them. He wouldn’t have to worry about his family disapproving or him not having enough money to fund it. Dan could marry Phil tomorrow if he wanted, but his excuse was always that marriage was scary. Almost all of the couples Dan knew as a child had gotten a divorce before he was ten. His parents had stayed together, but more out of stubbornness than anything else. Like a child, Dan was scared of ruining a good thing.
Phil liked the concept of marriage, which Dan knew. Phil always reassured him that getting married wasn’t necessary, but Dan saw the way that Phil’s eyes lit up when a friend of theirs got engaged or when his brother told him that he wanted Phil to be his best man. Phil brushed it off as excitement for his friends, but Dan knew that Phil would like to experience it for himself one day. It was an unspoken thing between them, often mentioned through casual jokes, but for the first time in his life, Dan didn’t feel completely opposed to the idea.
Dan remembers the exact moment when everything changed. The day after the hard launch, they had both woken up uncharacteristically early due to anxiety. While Dan felt calmer about the hard launch than his coming-out video, it was still nerve-wracking after all these years. Of course, their fans had been overwhelmingly happy for them both, but Dan and Phil still found a way to patter around the house extra early, actively checking their phones to see any news.
As Phil paced back and forth in their kitchen, Dan had the idea to get out of the house and away from the social media noise.
“Let’s go out today,” Dan said, causing Phil to stop pacing and look towards him.
“What?” Phil asked, still looking ruffled from the lack of sleep.
“Let’s go out, make it a date,” Dan explained further, watching Phil's eyebrows raise.
“Isn’t it too soon?” Phil asked quietly, looking back at his phone screen.
Dan shook his head, “We did it, baby. Let’s go celebrate.” They didn’t use pet names often because it just wasn’t their kind of relationship, but Dan knew that Phil secretly liked to be called baby. He saved it up for the times when Phil looked like he needed it the most.
Phil looked up at Dan again, a faint blush rising across his cheeks. “Are you sure?”
Dan nodded with a smile, “More sure than anything. Let’s go. We need to ignore our phones for a bit.” Dan was rarely the one to suggest a public outing, but they really did deserve to celebrate. After 16 years of keeping his amazing boyfriend a secret, Dan deserved to hold his hand on the way to dinner if he wanted to. He probably wouldn’t because he was still terrified of PDA, but he appreciated having the possibility.
In an hour, they were out of the house, their phones tucked away in their pockets so as to ignore the internet for a bit. They spent the day walking around London, a city that Dan knew like the back of his hand at this point. It wasn’t much different from a usual day outside for them, but the air felt lighter somehow.
“Do you want to get some dinner?” Dan asked, after they had walked around for hours, and it had started to get dark.
Phil smiled, “We can go home now, if you want. We can’t ignore everyone forever.”
Dan shook his head, “Not forever, but maybe just for tonight.”
They chose a small Italian restaurant that they ordered from sometimes. It was quiet inside with only a few occupied tables. Obviously, they had gone out to eat many times in the past 16 years, but like most of the day, this felt different. They never chose to go out for romantic meals, knowing how it would look if a fan spotted them.
The waiter led them to a table near the back of the restaurant, close to another couple that seemed to be deep in conversation.
“Enjoy your meal,” The host said with a smile, ducking to return to the front of the restaurant. As Phil dived quickly into browsing the menu, Dan took a while to just stare at Phil from across the table. He felt a fire ignite in his chest as he took in the man in front of him. The man whom he’s known his whole adult life. In his mind, he traced the soft skin of Phil’s pale skin, wanting to remember every line and freckle.
Phil must have felt him staring because he scrunched up his eyebrows and glanced up at Dan. “Do I have something on my face?”
Dan was about to answer when he heard a large gasp from beside him. His eyes darted to look to his left, feeling equally surprised when he saw the sight of the man from the couple next to them bending down on one knee in front of his girlfriend. The girl had her arms clasped over her mouth, tears forming in her green eyes. The boyfriend was holding the ring box in his hand, telling the girl how much he loved her and how much he wanted to marry her. When Dan stole a glance back at Phil, his heart immediately flipped when he saw Phil’s large grin. The entire restaurant was staring at this couple now, and when the girlfriend finally said yes, everyone clapped loudly, cheering them on as he slipped the ring on her finger.
Dan watched the couple embrace each other, the flipping feeling in his chest still there.
“Congratulations!” Phil told the girl once she was back in her seat.
She gave him a watery grin, “Thank you!”
The couple left soon after, and Dan and Phil ordered and ate their food like a monumental life milestone didn’t occur directly next to them.
“Wasn’t that awesome?” Phil asked, mentioning the proposal for the first time on their walk back home.
“The food?” Dan asked, not immediately grasping Phil’s meaning.
“The proposal,” Phil answered softly. Dan could feel Phil’s shoulder brushing against his.
Dan nodded, “Yeah.” He didn’t know what else to say, even though he knew Phil wanted him to say more.
“Anyways, thank you for today, I had fun,” Phil said with a smile. “It’s going to make my lazy day tomorrow feel even better.”
Dan laughed wearily, but he couldn’t erase Phil’s smile from the restaurant from his mind.
On the podcast, they joked about marriage often, but it wasn’t until the late hours of the night in the quiet of their house that Dan stood up, contemplating his future. It had been months since the proposal in the Italian restaurant, but Dan thought about it often as he imagined Phil’s smile if he were ever to propose. As he did in many aspects of his life, Dan felt like a failure.
In this life, Dan could not have asked for a more perfect boyfriend. Phil was nothing but supportive and loving and everything that Dan never thought he could ever deserve. By neglecting to marry Phil, was he failing the best person in his life?
He also knew that Phil would get angry with him for even thinking like this. They were happy with their lives, and there was no need to change that, but Dan felt part of him wanting to change it. As he watched more and more people their age get married, he realized that they didn’t have to be like the previous generations. Maybe there was room for love in marriage, even if that meant hardships along the way.
Dan desperately wanted to talk to Phil about his thoughts, but he also felt like he had to deal with this on his own first. Dan had preconceived feelings about marriage that Phil didn’t have. Phil had his parents’ loving relationship to look up to his entire childhood, so he would most likely never fully understand Dan’s hesitance.
However, as they get further into their new life post-hard launch, Dan finds himself browsing for rings when Phil is asleep in their room. It’s not that he feels 100% about it yet, but every day he feels himself longing for it more; Longing for a life where a ring lives permanently on his finger.
It isn’t until event number two that Dan feels like his fears were useless. It happens on a typical day when a new builder enters their house, ready to fix their leaky shower. For the past week, Dan and Phil had been using their guest bathroom, scared to almost flood the house again after what happened the last time Phil took a shower in their bathroom.
Dan was always the first to call the building company, not caring how annoying he seemed every time they had a household issue. Usually, Dan was the one to answer the door and lead the builders to the problem, but he was busy drafting a new Dan and Phil video that he didn’t even hear the door. It wasn’t until he heard Phil’s loud laughter that he was pulled away from his work, curious and confused.
He slowly pattered out of the office and down the corridor to their guest bathroom. He immediately stopped in his tracks when he heard Phil’s laugh again in response to an unknown male voice.
“You really designed this bathroom? It’s lovely,” the voice said, earning another chuckle from Phil.
“Well, my boyfriend got to design our bathroom the way he wanted, so this one is my fun bathroom,” Phil answered, and Dan could hear a smile in his tone.
“Boyfriend?” the voice asked, “You’ve got a beautiful house to be just a boyfriend.”
Dan felt his stomach sink. Who did this guy think he was?
“Um, I have a great boyfriend, actually,” Phil said, and Dan could hear the newfound shakiness in his voice.
Dan made the choice in that moment to walk into the bathroom and interrupt this awkward conversation. He knew that they would assume he was standing right outside the door, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Dan asked, trying to act casual.
The builder immediately tensed up, looking between Dan and Phil. “Um, hi. They sent me to work on a leak in your shower.”
“Are you new? I’ve never seen you before, and we always have builders in the house,” Dan asked shamelessly, watching the man’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink.
“Yeah, I am. Sorry mate, I was just asking Phil about the problem.” The guy commented, no longer sounding as confident with Dan in the room.
Dan slowly wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist, pulling him towards him. “We appreciate it. It sucks not being able to use the shower.”
Dan knew he was being obnoxious, and he could feel Phil’s gaze burning into the side of his cheek, but he just held him closer.
The guy shifted on his feet awkwardly, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. “Right, totally, mate. I’m going to get back to it.” With a nod, the man went back to his work, leaving Phil to drag Dan unceremoniously out of the bathroom by his wrist.
“What was that?” Phil whisper-yelled when they were back in the office, the door closed behind them.
Dan grimaced, “Look, I know I shouldn’t have been so forward, but that guy sounded like a creep.”
Phil placed his hand on his hips, narrowing his eyes to glare at Dan. “I knew you were listening in on our conversation. You’re jealous of one of the builders, seriously?”
Dan scoffed, “I’m not jealous. I just didn’t like the way he was talking to you.”
Phil rolled his eyes, “Dan, you don’t have to worry about other guys, you know this. I can handle myself.”
Dan cast his gaze to the floor, “I know that. I just don’t like it when people are jerks.”
Phil laughed lightly, “I know, bub. But the builder is harmless.”
Now it was Dan’s turn to roll his eyes, “He’s a twat.”
Phil burst into laughter, shuffling forward to bury his face in Dan’s sweater. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil, letting himself laugh into his boyfriend’s blonde hair. He was so lucky to have this beautiful man in his life.
It happened later that week. Dan had been building the moment up in his head for weeks, maybe even months, considering the possibilities and second-guessing every thought he had. He should have expected that it would happen in the way that he least expected it. He didn’t want to do it to spite the builder; he wanted to do it because the builder showed him something important. There was nothing more to wait for. Dan knew what he wanted and needed to do.
He and Phil had spent all day filming for the main channel. They were going away in a few weeks, and for the first time, they were actually taking the time to pre-film some videos. They were on a roll lately, and they didn’t want the holiday to be a reason to stop their momentum. However, that did mean that they were more stressed than usual, trying to create videos they enjoyed in a short span of time.
When they got home that night, they both went their separate ways to have some quiet alone time, which was normal for them. They loved knowing that the other was there while also having a sense of independence.
It wasn’t until Dan was alone in front of his computer that he felt a familiar pang in his chest. He reached down into his desk drawer, rifling through a couple of papers and miscellaneous trinkets to find the hidden item he was looking for. He glanced towards the doorway to make sure Phil was still upstairs before quietly opening the small sage green box. As he took in the sight of the small shiny object, he felt his heart swell in a way that felt too cheesy to be real. He hadn’t looked at it much since he bought it last week, but seeing it now made him want to take action.
Obviously, that was not the plan. Dan hadn’t even gotten the chance to talk to Phil about marriage yet. Well, technically, that wasn’t true, but they hadn’t talked about it seriously. Dan had planned to talk to Phil about it first, and then he could brainstorm the perfect proposal. A moment to remember.
But somehow, Dan found himself skipping up the stairs to their bedroom two at a time, the sage green box tucked away in the right pocket of his sweatpants.
He was extremely nervous, and it was probably a horrible idea, but when he saw Phil cuddled up in their bed reading a book, he felt himself gain the confidence he needed. He wanted Phil, just like this.
“Phil,” Dan said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed by Phil’s feet.
Phil looked up from his book, his smile almost as endearingly crooked as his glasses. “Hey.”
Dan took a deep breath, moving to settle next to Phil near the headboard. “I’m about to say a lot of cheesy things, and I didn’t think it would happen like this, but I also think maybe this is perfect for us? I don’t really know much about this type of thing, and I’m probably going to mess it up, but I think it needs to happen anyway.”
Phil’s eyebrows furrowed. “Is everything okay, Dan?” His voice was concerned as he bookmarked his page and set the book aside to give Dan his full attention.
Dan nodded, “Um, Phil, I’ve realized a lot of things about myself lately. Things that I should have realized a long time ago, but late is better than never, right?”
Phil’s eyes widened, “Dan, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
Dan sighed, reaching into his pocket to pull out the small velvet box. Phil immediately gasped, his hand lifting to cover his open mouth.
“Phil, I know this isn’t magical or memorable, but I also don’t want to have to wait anymore.” Dan cleared his throat, “We’ve done so much waiting in this relationship. Waiting for the right time to come out, waiting for the right time to hard launch, waiting for the right time to go on dates. And then you waited for me when I said I didn’t want to get married.”
Dan could feel the tears gathering in his eyes, “I know you don’t mind if we live together forever without making this commitment, but I also know that you do secretly wait for it. You wait for me to see if I’ll change my mind.”
“Dan…” Phil started, ready to interject, but Dan kept on.
“I don’t want you to think I’m doing this because of that. I’m doing this because secretly, I was waiting too, waiting for the moment when I wasn’t so afraid anymore. My whole life, I’ve lived in fear, but I don’t feel scared about this anymore, Phil. I want to marry you because I can’t see myself ever being with anyone else.”
A tear slid down Dan’s cheek. “Phil, I will forever think that you deserve better than me, but since you have chosen me, I want to choose you. Will you marry me?”
Phil sat there staring at Dan, the boy he’d known since he was 22 years old. Phil was in his Minecraft pajamas, his hair a mess, and his glasses askew on his nose, but Dan still wanted to marry him. Dan asked him in their bed in the home they built together because of the life that they created.
“Of course I will,” Phil answered, realizing that the moment could not have been any more perfect. It wasn’t fancy or flashy, but it was theirs, and he loved it.
Dan pulled Phil into a kiss, their teeth clashing together through their huge smiles. Dan kissed his way across Phil’s face, loving the way it felt to cradle his head in his hands.
When they were done, Dan pulled Phil against his chest, lying there and staring at the new piece of jewelry on Phil’s left ring finger.
“Just me and you,” Dan whispered.
“It’s only me and you.”