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Getting up for classes every single day is hard when you would much rather spend your time playing the sport you love or hanging out with friends. What’s even harder is coming back to the dorm after exhausting days like that.
Ilya likes where he is now, even if it doesn’t always show. In truth, he’s in a good place these days, even if the exhaustion sometimes hits so hard that getting out of bed feels impossible.
The exams ended not long ago, which means he can finally relax a little instead of endlessly wearing himself out over textbooks and notebooks. It’s nice to have free time again, even if the break ended quickly with the start of the new semester.
It’s nice to come back to his room—not just his room, but the one he shares with Shane. After two years of sharing almost every day together, it would be strange if they hadn’t become close friends. Splitting everyday routines and seeing each other often enough to get tired of it isn’t nearly as bad as Ilya had imagined before.
Even if Shane wakes up at six in the morning on weekends and keeps the strictest routine Ilya has ever seen. Morning runs, healthy meals, studying… Shane is the kind of person people call the perfect son, the perfect boyfriend—just perfect.
And yet, for some reason, Shane doesn’t mind being friends with someone as imperfect as Ilya.
Lying in bed at night, Ilya often thinks about how lucky he is. Lucky to have ended up surrounded by good people, when back in Russia he had never once felt like he belonged, no matter how hard he tried. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that for all those years, the problem might not have been him.
And on evenings like that, his thoughts eventually drift to Shane.
Shane probably never fully understands Ilya’s stories about his childhood and teenage years. Good parents, good child. But sometimes Shane tells stories of his own in return, nervously looking away, stumbling over his words, as if he’s only just managed to put those thoughts together for the first time.
It’s strange to see someone who has lived such a different life and still somehow understands what you mean.
In a way that feels… special.
That’s probably why they connected so quickly. During the first few months at the university, everything felt unstable. A new atmosphere, unfamiliar rules—it all kept them constantly on edge. Back then, Shane had it worse than he did. As if Ilya had already grown used to difficult circumstances since childhood, and after moving to another country it seemed unlikely that anything could really shake him anymore.
Or at least that’s what he thought.
Until life finally settled down enough that he didn’t have to worry about endless problems all the time. Once he got used to the dorm, once studying became routine, he could finally allow himself to enjoy things.
Back in Russia, he didn’t exactly have the best reputation because of the number of “girls.” It had never been anything serious, and both sides always knew that. Still, Ilya never bothered arguing with what people said about him. He didn’t see the point.
Every one of those girls had been nice. With some of them, he could probably have built something more. Ilya still remembers blonde curls, or straight chestnut hair falling past someone’s shoulders. He remembers warm touches.
But here, he doesn’t want to be that person anymore.
He doesn’t want to pretend he enjoys sex without commitment, pretend he doesn’t want something completely different.
It’s hard to say how he ended up like this at all, considering he never meant to. Sometimes he can even imagine a version of the universe where he gives up desire altogether, just to have a partner beside him who fits him perfectly.
Like Svetlana.
Ilya often thinks about how nice it is to spend time with her. Sometimes Svetlana was the only person who saved him—from his problems, and from himself as well. She’s too good for him. The close connection between them didn’t disappear the first time they crossed the line into a “friends with benefits” arrangement.
It remained a friendship. The kind of friendship Ilya had always dreamed of having.
Love and respect.
But something in his chest tightens painfully every time he thinks about them. Can it really be called a relationship?
Of course not.
They don’t treat each other like partners. Like people in love.
Friends.
And Ilya can feel the difference, even if he can’t explain it to himself.
It’s just… not the same.
And despite the love he receives from Sveta, Ilya still can’t let go of the desire to truly be with someone. As a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Yet every time it seems possible, some invisible wall appears between him and that possibility.
Maybe Ilya simply isn’t meant for relationships.
That’s okay.
Even if it’s still difficult to accept, he’ll be fine. Fine with Svetlana, with Shane, with the rest of his friends.
Even if sometimes the thoughts won’t let him sleep, and his whole body tightens with longing for something he has never actually felt.
Ilya can’t remember when he started buying things for Shane.
It always feels natural. They share food, they share space—why would Ilya be stingy? If he buys chocolate bars, he buys two. If he gets himself a cola, Shane gets ginger ale. If Shane looks sad, Ilya will buy him some stupid little keychain—something that reminds him of Shane—and hand it over with the words, “This is you.”
That’s what friends do, probably.
Wanting someone close to you to be happy, especially when you can help make that happen. Why not?
Sometimes Shane spends almost the entire day with him, only stepping away for his daily routine, and during those moments Ilya feels strangely disconnected from his own body.
But most days are completely ordinary and calm. Wake up early for classes, be free by evening, and have a few quiet hours before sleep.
Once, Ilya admitted that from time to time he’s overcome by a crushing, irrational feeling of loneliness, even though logically he understands that it makes no sense.
After that, slowly but surely, Shane worked an evening into his schedule—an evening he always spends with Ilya.
They don’t even have to do anything together. Sitting on their phones, occasionally pointing something out on their screens to each other, is enough to warm Ilya’s heart after the hardest days.
Lying on a narrow dorm bed, pressed together so they won’t fall off, watching yet another movie Shane added to his “watch later” list ages ago.
Most of the time Ilya doesn’t even follow the plot. By evening English becomes too difficult to focus on, so he just watches the pretty visuals and enjoys the warmth of someone else’s bed.
Over time, they started hugging more and more often.
At first, taking those first steps was difficult—Ilya didn’t know how Shane would feel about it. But the further they went, the more one realization settled in:
this was exactly what he needed.
There is no one else Ilya can hug this tightly, no one else he can press himself against this closely. Shane’s scent has long since become familiar, and because of that it’s comforting.
For the first time since his mother died, he can feel the warmth of another person’s body that isn’t trying to hurt him.
It’s hard to resist something like that.
The most important thing, though, is that Shane doesn’t seem to mind.
Very quickly, evenings began to feel like comfort and physical closeness—the kind of closeness Ilya had always wanted but had never allowed himself to have after all those meaningless encounters.
It feels like they simply found everything they were looking for in each other.
Ilya doesn’t believe in platonic love.
But maybe it’s time he started.