Chapter Text
OCTOBER
He should have never filed that damned lawsuit then things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did, like this. He hated being shunned and the one on the outside looking in but what he did was so he could come back to the 118. He didn’t care about the money. He just wanted to come back to work. To be a firefighter again. To be with his family. His home. The people he loves. He didn’t mean to hurt them, any of them. He knew nothing about how Chase Mackey was planning to use what he told him against his team. He was just as shocked as everyone. But no matter how much he tried to explain it, they iced him out. All Buck wanted to do was go back to the one place he felt like he truly belonged, but as usual he fucked it up. Of all the things to happen to him, he never thought it would become this the way it did. Not in the way he thought. He was overjoyed when he learned he was actually about to come back a month before he was said to return to work which was originally on Halloween. Although, it wasn’t the kind of welcome he would have hoped for.
Bobby kept making him man behind and making him do light duty, inventory, and chores. Still seeing him as a liability. Maddie tried to remain neutral and indifferent to it all but that still hurt because whether she knew it or not, she took Chimney’s side over his side. Especially when she didn’t want him to go back to work out of fear of something happening to her baby brother. He understood that of course but that didn’t make him feel better or make it right when Chimney, her boyfriend is also at risk of getting hurt too. Chimney and Hen were the very few people who welcomed him back. Hen even gave him a cupcake after all this. Chimney later became more welcoming and had a better understanding about how it felt to be in a similar position as him with being the man behind for a while at one point. They weren’t as friendly at the beginning as they used to be but it was still way better than the coldness and loneliness of everything else. Although the distance is great either. Even though it helped, it didn’t ease the guilt and self consciousness of what he did and now not being about to be back out with them on calls as he was trying to do. Worse of all, Eddie wouldn’t even talk to him. He barely gave him the time of day or a second glance at him. He can’t even see Chris anymore even if he tried to appeal to Eddie’s good nature about all of it and how it’s more to see his son than anything. You’re exhausting. He couldn’t stand it. The looks and words of hate and betrayal that came from Eddie. It hit harder than probably the ladder truck. It definitely hit so hard that it opened what was a never healing wound that was his life and past. It felt like too much. All the words that were said from Eddie, all the actions or lack there of from Bobby, the lack of support from Maddie, his own sister, the guilt and hurt was adding more salt to the wound.
Days bled into weeks and soon a new month and as much as Hen and Chimney kept him some kind of company, his mind kept spiraling from the isolation, words and actions, it’s not the same. Yet he felt himself drowning in the darkness that was his mind. He hated that place where the thoughts and feelings were making him want to do things he really doesn’t want to do. Sure, he would take a thought or two out on calls which makes him the reckless idiot he knows to be sometimes, but everything else, it scares him. He would use the pain he gets to try to gain love from others, mainly his parents, and use it as strength to do his job. What he doesn’t want to do is use that pain and hurt to hurt others, the people he loves and fought so hard for. It even hurts him to even think about doing what he doesn’t dare to do even if it makes him question his self worth. In situations like this, the first person he would think about calling or seeing is Eddie, but they aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now. He’s not sure he ever will be.
The second would be Maddie but he doesn’t want to burden her anymore than he already feels like he does. Bobby is not exactly an option right now either. He doesn’t feel confident with Chimney even though they are on better terms, but he lives with Maddie and he is the biggest blabber mouth in the entire LAFD. He would go over to Hen’s or even call her but he also remembers how she was talking about going on a date night with Karen at this new place one of Karen’s coworkers recommended and that she was dying to check it out. Not wanting to interrupt their night of romance, he decided to try to get out of his head and try to go for a run. Well, a jog would be more accurate as his doctor told him to be mindful of his injured leg and the possibility of pain that would flare up if he overexerted himself. Not like that’s stopped him before, but he really wants to prove that he’s not a liability and be able to go back on calls again. So that’s what he does. However, of all the things he has done, all the reckless stunts he’s pulled, all his regrets, he has never ever regretted anything more than going out on that run because that’s when things went from bad to worse. It makes him wish he had never filed that lawsuit in the first place, because none of this would have happened.
Buck decided to go over to Long Beach for a change. Like he said, he needed to get out of his head and a different place and scenery would give him some change in pace from all of that's going on. It won't fix everything but hopefully it would help in some ways. He wasn't really picky about where to go for a run so he randomly chose a place and just went for it. He was still cautious to pay attention to the name of where he was, Gum Grove Park which is actually closer to Seal Beach than Long Beach, not like anyone would ask or possibly care about that or where he was. Except Chimney and Hen maybe. As more open as they were, things are still pretty rocky between them and he's not even sure if they truly forgave him. He wonders sometimes if they were just being nice out of pity or some sort of obligation. He's not entirely sure since they haven't exactly said anything aside from small talk which is already awkward and unlike them as it is. He wasn't a fan of small talk to begin with but if it gets them to talk to him, he'll take what he could get. Even if it doesn't feel the same. That thought made him run faster than when he first started on the trail. Going around and pushing past people who look like they don't have a care in the world, like they don't have to worry about their friends/family drifting away from them, or their place in wherever they work. Okay, that's probably not the best comparison because they didn't get crushed by a ladder truck, had a pulmonary embolism, or get caught up in a tsunami but that's debatable.
He's just so frustrated about all of it. He just wanted to come back to his family and do the job he loves and that was for him. The thoughts kept swirling and rising as he kept running, trying to make sense of everything but it just made him more upset and alone. No matter how he spins it in his head, it always ends the same. He ends up on the outs of everything and everyone's lives, just like he's always been. Not even Maddie would be there even if they finally reconnected after so long. It's already bad enough he is losing Eddie and isn't able to see Christopher anymore but his sister would be all he has. She's the only family he's got that he wants in his life. Without her, without all of them, he'd have nothing. A fear he is trying not to let become a reality. The thoughts and spiraling just hurts to think about until shots of pain go through his leg and now he has something else to think about, forcing him to slow down and stop.
He slowly limped over to a tree to lean against it so he could catch his breath and wait for the pain and muscle cramp to subside. He looked around to see if there was anyone nearby. There wasn’t. He was alone. Just like he always was. The thought slipped out without meaning to but it irked something in him. Out of frustration and most likely rage, he punched the tree he was leaning on before trying to get control of his breathing. After a long few minutes, the pain and cramping subsided but his anger didn't, just lessened. Out of the corner of his eyes, Buck saw something glinting in the distance. It didn't look like anything suspicious or a cause for danger. It was just something on the ground catching the sunlight. Curious, he walked over to it. It was out of sight from the trail hidden around some trees and bushes. The closer he got the more it shined. He bent down, being careful with his bad leg to try to see what it was. He saw it was an oddly shiny rock on the ground. His curiosity and interest piqued as he tried to pick it up only to realize it wasn’t on the ground but still in it, so he used his hands to try to dig it out. It took a few minutes and a bit of maneuvering to get rid of a few smaller roots and weeds but he managed to pull out. Upon closer inspection, it wasn’t just a rock but a gemstone. In fact it wasn’t just a gemstone, it was a cluster and a big one at that. It was bigger than his hand. He’s never seen anything like it. No, actually he has seen something like this in metaphysical shops or museums or even online posts. It’s more like he’s never been this close to one that he was able to actually hold it, let alone found one at all.
It was beautiful. He only knew about a few crystals and did a brief research binge on them, but just by the looks of it, it might be either smokey quartz or amethyst with how dark it is with its smokey browns and possibly hints of purple. Buck held it up to the sun to get a better look at it. It doesn’t have that purple color as he thought it would like you would normally see in amethyst, but it looks like it has some oranges and yellows in it. Maybe citrine? Calcine? He’s not entirely sure. Maybe he could have someone, an expert take a look at it to actually verify what it is, but honestly he doesn’t really care because he just found a really cool crystal and he knows exactly who he wants to give it to. Christopher. He and Eddie might not be on speaking terms, but hopefully seeing this would at least help create the bridge needed to reconnect. Plus he really missed that kid and he knows Christopher would absolutely love this. The longer he held the cluster up the light was when something was happening to it. It was feeling both warm and cold somehow. The colors were shifting rapidly into more yellows, oranges, reds mixing and swirling with the brown of the gem. Buck’s eyes went wide. He doesn’t know what’s going on but he knows crystals should not be doing this.
Before he could drop it, before his instincts to let go kick in, before he could do anything, so much happened in that split second of what felt like time stopping into eternity. The crystal grew hotter while at the same time grew colder. The colors kept moving until it was a purple, smokey brown and just darker at the edges while the yellows, oranges and red were centering in the middle of the gem and became brighter as it did. The moment the light was more concentrated in the center, the cluster vibrated for an instant before immediately shooting itself straight into Buck’s chest. Buck barely registered what just happened. He just felt searing white hot pain emanating from his chest, spread through his entire body. It was like he was back under the ladder truck. He could at least vaguely describe what the pain was seeing as he was blown up and crushes and more or less aware of what was happening to him. He remembered the slight pain he felt as he coughed that night in Bobby and Athena’s backyard before collapsing and had the pulmonary embolism. But this. This was the kind of pain that felt immeasurable and indescribable. The cluster burrowed deep into his sternum until it was not visible on his skin. He couldn’t help what sounded like a blood curdling scream being ripped out of him as he clenched on his chest, his heart. His heart was beating dangerously fast. It was as if someone forced their hand in his chest and squeezed it so tightly and tried to tear it apart at the same time. He couldn’t even think of anything else as everything tilted around him and the ground was suddenly coming towards him fast. Everything hurts. It burned and the last thing he heard were his own screams as everything went black.