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Every year, his hands would bleed from picking too many tangerines. Before that, he’d sit and watch them bloom into flowers. The family business became a burden way too early in his life; Mark grew tired of the smell of it, the sight of it and the taste of it. Naturally, winter became his favorite time of the year, when nature was humming a sweet lullaby so the evergreens could rest. On top of that, citrus blooms looked beautiful buried in snow.
As a kid, he would steal some tangerines from his grandpa’s farm for his friends. Sometimes, though, he forgot he’d even picked them, too used to the routine, and it would rot away in the bottom of his backpack. The smell never seemed to go away. It just lingered there. From time to time, when Minhyung couldn’t ignore the smell, his mom would ask if he needed a new backpack. Mark would just nod politely and hug her awkwardly.
For some reason, Mark couldn’t bear the thought of someone giving him something just because they wanted to, even from an early age. That’s when his problems with Lee Donghyuck started. Their friendship started out under normal circumstances, soon enough, they were all over each other. Mark’s friends became Donghyuck’s friends, Donghyuck’s habits became Mark’s habits, Mark’s room turned into a scenery for their core memories.
But Donghyuck knew him far too well, without even trying to. It bothered him. He noticed everything. Mark did too, but not like his friend. Every flick of emotion Mark repressed passed right through him even if it wasn’t stamped on his face, even a brow furrow lasting mere seconds, almost as if every move he made was anticipated, expected. Donghyuck already knew the answers to his questions, or so it seemed.
Yet, he seemed so unaware of it, so genuine. So, of course, it bothered him.
He stopped giving his friends tangerine a few years before Donghyuck came into his life, after you give someone the same thing for a while it loses the sparkle and the gesture was not as appreciated as before. Besides, they were all grown up now, none of them really cared about fruits, nor did they care if Mark got out of his way to steal some tangerines for them. As kids, there was something magical about the whole ordeal, of course, his friends probably didn’t appreciate the fruit as much, what they cared about was the tale of how the adventurous Mark hyung explored the jungle of tangerines to get them a gift.
“Remember when you used to give us tangerines, Mark?” Jaemin suddenly mentioned, at the school lunch table, exchanging looks with Renjun. “I wonder why you stopped, grandpa Lee isn’t in the farm business anymore?” Donghyuck just looked up, attentive to whatever new information he could gather. Mark noticed that before anything else.
“You don’t even smell like tangerines anymore, remember when you used to stink up the class with it.” Renjun said, affectionately. Mark just smiled faintly. “And then you’d make up a story about how hard it was to get them.”
“He was even attacked by a tiger, once.” Jeno said, and Renjun laughed along Jaemin.
“We’re not kids anymore.” was all he said, his gaze falling upon the half chewed nutbar on his hands. Later that day, Donghyuck arrived at his house with some yellow wildflowers.
“I picked them up on the way here, you look like you enjoy flowers for some reason.” He said with the biggest smile on his face.
Mark couldn’t take it. It was a gift, after all. He stared at his hands, pinkish and dusted with dirt, holding the flowers with such delicacy it was almost as if he wasn’t really holding them at all. Before he was able to say anything, Donghyuck reacted.
“You don’t want it, right? I thought you would think it’s childish, it’s just that it really reminded me of you.” Donghyuck paused, second guessing whether or not it was wise to speak his mind or not. “Of us, to be honest.”
“Of us?”
“Yeah, they’re like two flowers combined as one.”
“I guess you could say it’s us, then.”
Without having to invite Donghyuck inside, he followed Mark as he went to the kitchen sink, filling a plastic cup with tap water. The flower was dead the moment it was picked – he knew that because his grandpa told him, but it felt right to act like it would last forever inside that boring cup.
Donghyuck’s flowers were placed behind his ear like an accessory. Mark realized by accident that nothing could ever look lifeless next to his best friend. That night, the wildflowers watched them sleep, bearing witness to the proximity they shared. They had grown used to spending the night together, their moms were friends, and the sleepovers could be easily arranged.
The next week, they had a school project, so Mark invited Donghyuck for a sleepover again. Donghyuck knocked on his door out of habit, his grandpa installed a doorbell months ago. To his surprise, Donghyuck had peaches on his hands.
Mark cringed, looking away.
“Hi, hyung.” Donghyuck greeted, hugging him a bit. “I was passing by and found a peach tree. I know this sounds crazy, but I had no idea peaches grew on trees! You like them, right?” Mark nodded, inviting him in. After they studied for a while and prepared Mark’s bedroom for their little sleepover, Donghyuck held two peaches in his hands and studied them meticulously for a while.
“This one is prettier. Yeah.” He said, as if his conclusion was brilliant. “You should eat it.” He said.
Mark’s face twisted from discomfort, refusing it. Donghyuck gave an annoyed huff, then bit down the fruit, his cheeks pink and lips red, glossy with peach juice. Donghyuck watched Mark’s inner monologue almost as if he could hear it. Out of habit, Donghyuck waited for the perfect moment to capture his attention.
“Don’t you think they’re cute?” Donghyuck asked, smirking a bit. Mark’s gaze under his figure felt like the perfect spotlight. Maybe that was why he tempted his best friend so much.
“Hm?” was all Mark managed to say.
“The peaches, don’t they look cute? It’s soft to bite down, it's juicy, tasty.”
“That’s any fruit.” Mark replied, studying the peach Donghyuck placed on his hands.
“Not every fruit is soft or juicy. Aren’t you going to eat?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Donghyuck sounded genuinely concerned, dragging himself closer to Mark. “Are you allergic?”
“No, I’m not. I just don’t understand why you gave me this.” Donghyuck was confused for a second, but he just smiled and rolled his eyes.
“Fine. Don’t eat it, then.” He said, and Mark sighed with relief. “Mark hyung, don’t you think this peach looks just like me?”
Mark gulped, scared that, maybe, somehow, Donghyuck could hear whatever thought crossed his mind. Maybe that was why he knew him that well? The room grew unbearably hot as soon as Donghyuck’s fingers played with the palm of his hand. The scent of Donghyuck’s cologne bothered him now that they were so close to each other. Pulling himself away from Donghyuck, he stood up so fast he almost fainted.
“I-I’m going to get water.” He blurted out, running downstairs.
Alone in the dark kitchen, he held the peach with one hand, squeezing it a bit. He smelled it and brushed it against his cheeks, even if it felt wrong and disgusting. He couldn’t help it, and for some incredibly absurd reason, he licked it, then took a bite.
Savoring it, he learned that peaches were disgustingly sweet.
Exactly like Donghyuck.
When Mark came back upstairs, he was still thirsty. Donghyuck noticed the faint scent of the fruit from the futon he was lying in. That night, he smiled himself to sleep.
Mark felt guilty for a whole week but he couldn’t stop imagining what it would feel like to bite down Donghyuck’s cheeks and lick him. Maybe the peach fuzz wouldn’t feel the same, perhaps it would feel better. It plagued his mind like a curse, Mark memorized how soft Donghyuck’s hand felt against his own calloused ones, how their chests connected like jigsaw pieces falling into place.
It was maddening. And also, infuriating.
On the way home from school, he caught a glimpse of the peach tree Donghyuck had referred to, sitting alone in the grass fields. He couldn’t help but steal some of them.
At night, Mark pressed his own fingers to his lips and wondered what Donghyuck's lips felt like. He couldn’t eat the fruit this time. He smelled it, caressed it, kissed it. He dragged his teeth against the delicate skin, not daring to bite into it. Would Donghyuck like teasing? Or would he be as impatient as he is?
It made him sick, disgusted even. Why would he imagine such things?
It also made him want more.
“Are you and Donghyuck done with the volcano? For the science fair.” Renjun asked as soon as Mark arrived in class. Donghyuck was sitting with his head resting on his arms, eyes closed.
They hadn’t even started it, they only studied how to make it from science magazines, briefly. So, out of obligation, he invited Donghyuck to a sleepover again on the way home. Donghyuck nodded and said he’d be there.
That afternoon, Mark waited behind the door for the knocks. He thought that, after refusing the peach, Donghyuck would give up on gifting him since he constantly reacted negatively to it. Yet, there was his best friend, holding a grape juice box along with the materials for the model.
“Hi, hyung.” He greeted, hugging him a bit longer this time, Donghyuck took the time to brush his nose against the crease between his neck and his shoulder. What was wrong with him lately?
“Are you ok?” Mark asked, placing a hand on his shoulder to push him off of him.
“Oh, yes, sorry.” Donghyuck noticed Mark’s discomfort and sighed, a sad expression adorning his face.
They went upstairs and worked on the model quietly. The day was quiet, and they didn’t feel the need to talk. Donghyuck hummed to a song, Mark concentrated on details. They managed to keep it quiet for the first few hours, but Mark had to ramble about something he read online.
“I wouldn’t be able to devote myself to only one thing for the rest of my life.” Mark punctuated when the topic changed to priests and catholicism.
“That’s not the worst part of it, I think.” Donghyuck laughed, ignoring the things Mark said in between the lines, for once. “Imagine not being able to jerk off when you’re horny?”
Mark blushed before bursting out laughing.
“That would suck. Wouldn’t it hurt to contain yourself for so long?”
“But there’s something really homoerotic in keeping yourself pure to drink the blood of Jesus.” Donghyuck let it out, not really sure about what he was talking about.
“I don’t think that’s why they stay pure, Hyuck. I think they stay pure to serve wholly to Jesus, at least that is what I once heard from my grandmother.”
“There’s something romantic about drinking your lover's blood, still.” Mark hated how he could picture his best friend latched onto his neck.
“How is that romantic?” He asked, somewhat curious.
“Think about it. Blood is like… our essence, right? I think that’s why christians drink Jesus’s blood and eat his body.”
“That’s not how it works, Hyuck. Christians do that to remember his sacrifice, and to achieve eternal life.” Mark explained, blushing nonetheless. Not because he grew up in a religious household, but because his mind took him to unfamiliar places. He wondered how it would feel to have Hyuck eat his flesh. Donghyuck was usually a messy eater.
“Well, it's an extremely erotic ritual.” Donghyuck stated, closing the topic. “Anyway, I’m thirsty, can I go downstairs and get the grape juice I brought for us?”
“You can go ahead and get it for yourself.” Donghyuck huffed in annoyance. He got them both glasses of juice. Mark just drank it, too tired to argue.
“Whose blood are you drinking now, hyung?” Donghyuck asked with a hint of innocence in his voice, catching Mark off guard. His eyes remained transfixed on the droplet of grape juice that slowly made its downward way to Hyuck’s neck.
They didn’t get first place in the science fair, but, as perfectionist as his best friend was, Donghyuck seemed satisfied enough with his volcano, proudly showing off the chemical eruption to their friends multiple times, until they all got bored of it and focused on Renjun’s work. Mark couldn't stop looking at him. Nor could he get him off his mind.
He hoped that this, too, would pass.
It was winter time when Donghyuck knocked on his door with two tangerines in hand.
Time proved that his feelings for his best friend wouldn’t pass so easily. Even though Mark lived on edge whenever Donghyuck was around, he shoved that to the back of his mind – too familiar with the idea of simply not dealing with it.
“Hi, hyung.” He said, eyes glimmering as he stood under Mark’s front porch light.
“Hi, Hyuck. Is everything ok?” Mark said, trying not to give away how pungent the smell of the fruit was even from afar.
“Yes, everything’s fine. I just wanted to be with you.” Mark blinked, intrigued by how easily his best friend could say that.
“Where did you get this?” Mark said, pointing at the disgraceful fruit. “It is winter.”
“It’s summer somewhere in the world.” He said, as if it explained everything, and Mark didn’t really bother to get too much into it, just replied with a tsk and stepped aside to let him in.
Sitting down on his bed, they faced each other for a while.
“Why do you keep bringing these fruits?” Mark asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer to it.
“Well, not only fruits.” Donghyuck said, as annoying as ever, referring to the juice and the flowers. Mark just let out a chuckle and then pretended to be annoyed.
“So?” Mark insisted, after noticing that the silence between them was starting to drag.
“I feel like you deserve them.”
“What did I do to deserve them?”
“You exist.”
“It’s not good enough of a reason, we all exist.” Mark replied, unsatisfied. “You do this to just anyone?”
“Of course not. Your existence is more important to me.” Donghyuck replied, his hands working their way around the tangerine skin. “You sound so jealous, Mark hyung.”
“What are you trying to say?”
When Mark thought that the smell couldn’t get more overwhelming, Donghyuck pushed a finger in the middle of the tangerine segments, tearing it in half in one swift motion. Contrary to his hands, Hyuck’s ones held that fruit with the delicacy one would hold their newborn baby, or something treasured to oneself.
“Doesn’t it look like a heart?” He pointed out before offering it to the eldest.
“What does that have to do with my question?” Mark refused the fruit. Fidgeting with his fingers, sitting uncomfortably on his bed.
“Doesn’t it look like a heart, hyung?” He asked again, insisting on offering him the fruit and pausing in between words to emphasize them. At Mark’s lack of response, Donghyuck’s face seemed to go from disappointed to affectionate, somehow. “Can I tell you something?” Donghyuck tried, hesitantly.
“Hm…” Mark didn’t agree nor disagree, just allowed him to go on.
“You rejected the peach I gave you, right? But then, you had it. You smelled like peaches even after you brushed your teeth. I think it’s because I know you so well, and I spend so much time looking at you, hearing you, breathing you… that I couldn’t help but notice. I wondered for weeks, did you like the peach I gave you? I assumed you didn’t really like it, but then I convinced myself that, if you didn’t like it, why would you eat it?”
“H-hyuck, I-” Mark tried to explain himself, feeling like he was caught in a lie.
“You put this front, you reject me, but I know you can’t control yourself. You’re so greedy, aren’t you?” Mark’s jaw dropped, his cheeks turning into a dark shade of red.
“W-what? What do you mean?”
“It’s just that…” There was something foreign in his expression, Mark had never seen him look so lost. “Forget it. It was nice seeing you, hyung.” Donghyuck said, ending things abruptly.
Mark didn’t know what exactly was the plan of action in response to that, his body kind of acted before he could feel ashamed of it. Before Donghyuck was able to stand up, he grabbed the fruit in his hands, tearing a segment away.
“Bite it.” He ordered, holding the fruit close to Donghyuck’s lips. His teeth sank into the fruit, tentatively, afraid of eating the thing whole. They both looked at the piece he left behind. Mark squeezed it, smearing it all over Donghyuck’s lips.
“Is it your heart or mine that you just bit down?”
“Mine, hyung. And you destroyed it, thank you very much.”
“I bet it tastes good, sweet.” Mark said, not sure whether he said that to Donghyuck or himself. He just knew that his hands traveled to Donghyuck’s cheek and it felt exactly like the peach he grew obsessed with.
“Taste it.” Donghyuck invited him and Mark couldn’t say no to this. He leaned in, brushing his lips against his best friend's lips, before fully closing the space between them and capturing the tangerine flavored lips onto his own.
The taste wasn’t the same as he remembered hating. It was refreshing and sweetly acidic. Hyuck’s lips, as expected, were soft and wet, his skin blazing hot under his touch, warmed up by desire. Donghyuck felt as if he fully bloomed just for him.
It was a bit weird at first and sloppy then. They didn’t really understand what they were doing. Mark tried to replicate the cinematic kisses he grew up watching, and Donghyuck was annoyed by how much he moved his head. The youngest, then, dragged his hands to the nape of his neck, holding Mark in place.
The tangerine pieces were scattered around Mark’s bed. And, when Mark eventually got pushed into the mattress by Donghyuck, he smashed the fruit whole. In the movies he watched, the first kiss was always shared between two very contained and stiff teenagers, and Mark couldn’t envision Donghyuck being anything close to contained.
He was, unapologetically, himself. And that mesmerized him as it still does to this day. Mark grew up with a weird sense of self awareness that made him repress everything out of shame. When he first met Donghyuck, he couldn’t stand him. Perhaps, out of shame or out of envy. But it didn’t matter, it wasn’t as if hostility could stop Hyuck from pursuing something he wanted.
When they finally separated, Donghyuck let out a noise that made Mark smile wide. He kissed his forehead, his cheeks and finally the tip of his nose.
“I’d give you my heart, but I bet it tastes bitter.”
“I know your heart well enough to remember the taste of it.” Donghyuck said before eating his half of the tangerine. “Besides, I love you. I want us both to eat well.”