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“Do you know her?” Eddie asks Buck, nodding towards the waitress who has been staring them down all night. They’re trying a new spot, so she shouldn’t know them, but the way she looks at Buck makes it seem like she does.
Buck glances over his shoulder, looks at her, then turns back around and shrugs. “Nah, I don’t think so.”
The waitress walks towards their table and gives Buck a strange look one more time before dropping off their check. She places a single fortune cookie on top of it and disappears.
“Oh, she only gave us one,” Buck points out, “You can have it, Eddie.”
“I think that was for you,” Eddie says, “She’s been eyeing you all night.”
“Didn’t notice.” Buck frowns and grabs the check. “You can have it, I’m paying.”
Eddie takes the cookie – he can’t let a sweet treat go to waste. He cracks open the cookie and unfolds his fortune.
Something lost is something earned.
“The hell does that mean?” Eddie reads it aloud to Buck. “That’s not a very good fortune.”
“Maybe the meaning will appear when you least expect it.” Buck signs the check.
Eddie shrugs, tosses the paper aside, and sticks half of the cookie in his mouth. He chews it for a second, then says, “Tastes kind of stale.”
He leaves the second half when they get up to leave.
“Have a good night,” the waitress says from seemingly out of nowhere. The tone of her voice sends a weird shiver down Eddie’s spine.
He waits until the door has closed behind them before he says, “Did that seem weird to you?”
“What?” Buck questions, “That she wished us a good night?”
“No, something felt off about the way she said it.”
“She was just being nice, Eddie.”
“I just got a strange vibe from that place.”
“C’mon, it was good food, we had a nice time,” Buck says, “Don’t worry about it.”
Eddie lets it go, gives Buck a short hug goodbye, and turns to head towards his car.
“But hey,” Buck calls after him, “Call me if anything happens. We can write them a bad review on Yelp if you really want to.”
It hits him almost immediately when he gets home. Eddie starts to feel a weird stirring in his stomach. He knew something wasn’t right with that restaurant, probably food poisoning. He’s seen enough back kitchens on calls to know they are never as clean as you hope for them to be.
Eddie pops a Pepto Bismol and prays for the feeling to have gone away by the morning.
He tosses and turns all night. His stomach gurgles and cramps. He thinks about calling Buck just to tell him he was right, but decides to wait until the morning. Eventually, it quells enough for him to fall into an uncomfortable sleep.
Eddie feels like crap when he wakes up in the morning. Except it’s not the on the verge of throwing up feeling he would expect with food poisoning. No, it’s something much more sinister.
He drags himself out of bed with his eyes half shut and wanders into the bathroom. He pulls his shorts down, reaches for his dick, and suddenly, before he can even blink, piss is running down his leg.
“Shit!” Eddie frantically tries to grab his dick to aim it, but there’s nothing there. “What the fuck?”
He stares down at where his dick should be and sees nothing. His hand shakes as he slowly reaches down and then up. He screams.
He has to be dreaming. This is a dream. This is a horrific, food poisoning induced nightmare.
He feels nothing. Absolutely nothing. His hand just hovers in the air where his dick should have ended.
Scared and covered in piss, he throws his clothes off, steps into the shower, and cranks it to cold. Except, when he’s blasted with the freezing water, he doesn’t wake up. Instead, he just shivers in the shower and feels tears reach his eyes.
“What the fuck,” he whimpers, “What the fuck is happening to me?”
He shakily steps out of the shower, haphazardly cleans the mess on the floor, and goes back into his bedroom.
“It must be in here,” he says to himself. He pulls his bedsheets back. Nothing. He checks under the bed. Nothing. He looks down the hallway. Still nothing.
He doesn’t really know what he’s expecting to find other than his detached dick and balls lying on the floor like a lost dildo. But that would be crazy.
It hits him slowly, and then all at once.
His dick is gone.
Tears stream down his face, silent and hot. He runs his hands through his hair. He doesn’t know what to do.
He calls Buck.
“Hey man, what’s up?” Buck answers the phone.
“Something’s wrong,” Eddie cries.
“Woah, hey, what’s going on? Is Chris okay? Are you okay?” Buck’s voice immediately grows panicky.
“Chris isn’t here, he’s fine, he’s still at his friend’s house.” Eddie takes a deep breath. “I just need you to come over right now, please.”
“Are you sick? Was it the food last night?”
“No,” he says hauntedly, “Worse.”
“Jesus, okay, I’m on my way.” There’s the distinct sound of Buck rushing through his house and grabbing his keys, then Eddie hangs up.
He realizes then that he’s still standing in the middle of his house butt ass naked.
Eddie paces around his living room with a towel wrapped around his waist as he waits for Buck to get there. When he hears the key turning in the lock, he stops and faces the door.
“What’s wrong?” Buck asks immediately.
“I think I’m dreaming right now,” Eddie starts, “But I need you to brace yourself.”
“Uh.” Buck looks him up and down, catching on the towel. “Okay.”
Eddie takes a breath. Prepares himself. Then drops the towel.
“Oh,” Buck says as if in awe, “I didn’t know that you…”
“I don’t,” Eddie tells him. He’s fairly sure that Buck knows he’s always had a dick.
“Well.” Buck steps closer. “I know you’ve been uh…” He gestures up and down. “Pretty pent up lately, so if you need…”
There’s no way that Buck could actually be propositioning him right now. Except, he’s clearly keeping his eyes respectfully above the belt. “No, Buck, look.” He points to his crotch.
Buck gives him a confused look, his gaze drifts down, then his eyes widen. “Oh. What–”
“I think my dick fell off!” Eddie bursts into tears. “My stomach was hurting all night, I couldn’t sleep, I woke up, I went to go pee, and it was just gone!”
“It just…disappeared?”
“Yes!” Eddie replies, “Well, I looked for it, but I didn’t see it anywhere.”
It leaves Buck speechless for a solid minute. He just gapes at Eddie. Then, finally, he locks in.
“It’s gotta be around here somewhere,” Buck says, “I’ll help you look for it.”
Eddie wraps the towel back around himself and follows Buck into his bedroom. Buck looks in the exact same spots Eddie did only moments ago. He has to take a moment to really consider where his life has ended up as he looks at his best friend, ass up, looking underneath his bed for his dick.
“I told you, it’s not there!” Eddie throws his hands up in frustration.
“Then where is it?” Buck asks. “Did you, you know…” He looks at Eddie as if he should know what he’s talking about. He absolutely does not.
“Did I what?”
“I don’t know!” Buck exclaims, “I’ve never lost my dick before!”
“Neither have I!”
“Okay, well.” Buck thinks for a second. “Did you check?” He gestures towards his own crotch. “Maybe it, you know, shrunk.”
“Fuck you, man,” Eddie spits, “My dick did not shrink.”
Buck at least has the decency to almost look apologetic. “How do you know?”
Eddie considers the logic. He didn’t really check. He just stuck his hand down there and found nothing. That doesn’t mean there’s not… something.
He turns his back towards Buck and opens his towel again. He sticks his hand down there for real this time. He makes contact and jumps.
“What is it?” Buck asks frantically.
“There’s a vagina,” Eddie whispers.
“What?”
“I have a fucking vagina!” He turns around and flashes Buck again. Buck looks closer this time. Squints at it. Eddie instinctively goes to cover it.
“You have a vagina…” Buck trails off. He cocks his head a bit, straightens his back. Then, he starts to look at Eddie the same way he’s seen Buck look at people in the bar. When his eyes start to get all dark and he ducks his head to look through his lashes. Eddie’s face starts to flush, then he feels a familiar warmth travel down his body.
When it starts to pool in an unfamiliar way, Eddie’s hackles rise again. He did not tell it it could do that.
“Stop looking at it like that!” He yells.
Buck tears his eyes away, grimacing at himself. “Sorry! My bad!”
“What am I gonna do?” Eddie goes back to spiraling instantly. He isn’t prepared for this. He doesn’t know how this equipment works, other than like, the basics. It’s going to change the trajectory of his life forever.
Buck stares at him in disbelief for a moment, then says, “Do you want me to check it out?”
Eddie looks at him darkly. “You pretty much just did.”
“No, like, to make sure it looks… I don’t know, normal?” He starts to grin. “I am an expert.”
Eddie grabs one of the pillows off his bed and smacks Buck across the face with it. “Fuck you, I hate you.”
Seething and contemplating murdering his best friend, Eddie sits on the couch as said best friend gets comfortable between his legs. He stares over Buck’s shoulder at the wall. He can’t bring himself to look at his face.
“Okay, I’m just gonna… nevermind.” Buck places a hand on Eddie’s thigh. “I mean it looks… regular.”
“Don’t say regular.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Buck argues, “It looks like a vagina! It’s not like I’m a gynecologist.”
“I thought you said you were an expert,” Eddie says deadpan.
“I mean if you want to know how it looks, I could get descriptive,” Buck chuckles, “I know a lot of different shades of pink.”
Buck really starts to laugh at him when Eddie pushes him away and closes his legs. He throws his towel back over himself. “You’re not being helpful.”
“It just looks like it was always there.”
“It. Wasn’t.”
“I think you might just have this now.”
Eddie leans forward, puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder, grits his teeth, and says, “I cannot have this. I need my penis back, Buck.”
Buck gives him a sympathetic look. “Hey, man, you’re still you.”
Sure, he’s still himself. Just with a vagina now. Not like anyone else has to know. Except Eddie knows. And he’ll know that no one else knows. He’ll be walking around as Mr. Eddie Vagina Diaz, known only to himself and Buck.
He’ll walk into every room for the rest of his life and his first thought will always be: nobody here knows I have a vagina.
“No, no I need my dick. This can’t be happening.”
He can see Buck trying not to laugh. He wants to kill him. He’s going to kill him. Then, the cramps from the night before hit him again. Eddie groans and lies back on the couch. “And my stomach is killing me.”
Buck at least starts to look sympathetic at that. His face screws up in the way Eddie knows means he’s thinking hard about something.
“Do you think,” Buck starts carefully, “Are you getting your period?”
“No,” Eddie snaps, “Why would I be getting a period?”
“It’s only natural,” Buck says matter of factly, “Explains the cramps… and the mood.”
“I can’t believe you would say that.” Eddie flicks him on the forehead. “You have a sister, you know better.”
Buck smacks his hand away with another laugh. “I know, I’m sorry, I’m just saying.”
“You’d be pretty mad too if you got your shit switched around!”
“I mean, I wouldn’t be that mad,” Buck shrugs, getting that stupid grin on his face again.
“Get the fuck out of my house.” Eddie points towards the door.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Buck puts his hands up. “I want to help.”
“Then stop looking at my vagina disrespectfully. Is this how you look at everyone’s vagina?” Eddie crosses his arms and gives Buck the most disgruntled look he can muster. “We’re gonna need to work on your bedside manner.”
Buck raises a stupid eyebrow and smirks. “I’ve had no complaints about my bedside manner.”
He can’t take it anymore. Eddie takes a deep breath. “I’m going to get dressed,” he says, “And then– and then, I don’t know what, but we’re going to be normal and figure this out.”
“I’m being normal,” Buck argues, still sitting on the floor in front of the couch like an idiot. He smiles at Eddie brightly and the sun shines through the window in a way that makes his hair look golden – thoughts that would have never occurred to him before now.
It has a mind of it’s own and it’s getting to his fucking brain.
“No, you’re looking at my vagina like you want to fuck it. Stop doing that. You don’t get to fuck my vagina.”
Buck looks at him like he’s lost his mind. And maybe he has. Maybe this is all some sick fever dream and he’s going to wake up in a puddle of sweat with his dick reattached and his dignity gone. Until then, Eddie pulls himself off of the couch and into his room to finally put on some clothes.
He gets dressed without really thinking about it. It isn’t until he pulls his pants up over his underwear that he notices the difference.
Without his dick filling in the front, the fabric is loose. Like unreasonably loose. It gets caught in his zipper and Eddie almost starts to cry as he yanks it out.
He can feel the excess fabric bunching up as he moves around. He reaches down to adjust himself, but of course, there’s nothing to grab.
Eddie takes a minute to just drop his forehead onto the wall, close his eyes, and silently scream.
Back in the living room, Buck’s made it from the floor onto the couch and appears to be scrolling furiously through his phone.
“You better not be telling anyone about this, Buckley,” Eddie groans in frustration. He slowly heads towards Buck. With every little step he takes, he’s reminded that he has no dick. He can practically feel the breeze inside of his pants.
Buck frowns. “I’m not! I just thought I’d see if this, y’know, happened to anyone else before.”
Eddie can’t help but roll his eyes at that. Clearly this has never happened before. There’s no way this has ever happened before. No, this is Eddie’s own personal, unique punishment.
“You never know…” Buck quietly adds, then puts his phone face down on the coffee table. “Actually, um, I did have a thought.”
“Yeah?”
“Technically, actually, it was your idea,” Buck prefaces, “So you can’t be mad.”
Eddie steps closer towards him. Despite the nervous lilt to Buck’s voice, he’s hopeful. He’ll take any suggestion at this point. Hell, they were just looking underneath his bed for his missing dick like it was the TV remote lost in the couch cushions. “Okay?”
“Maybe you should, you know–” Buck makes a meaningless gesture. “Fuck it. As you said. Get it fucked. Respectfully, of course.”
All the hope Eddie may have had gets washed down the drain.
“You’re seriously proposing we have sex to make my dick come back? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I wasn’t saying me, necessarily, unless you want– Like, you know I would do anything to help you out, but–” He snaps his mouth shut when Eddie crosses his arms. “No, okay, listen, during my research I found a couple, uh, stories, I guess, and yeah they were fiction, but I mean, isn’t that still rooted in truth sometimes? And that was their solution, so I just figured it would be worth… suggesting.”
Eddie scrubs his hands down his face and sighs with every breath in his body. He pinches the bridge of his nose, locks his gaze back on Buck, and decides, like a rational person, to not punch him in the face.
“I think we’ll put that one aside for now.”
“Fair, super fair,” Buck replies quickly.
Eddie shakes his head in defeat. Subconsciously, he shifts his hips where he’s standing and is reminded of the way his underwear is sitting in all the wrong places and his jeans are laying uncomfortably on his skin. He can feel everything that isn’t down there, and it makes him squirm. He can’t even stand upright without feeling weird.
“Why are you standing like that?” Buck quirks an eyebrow.
“Like what?” Eddie throws his hands up in exasperation.
“Like that,” Buck points. “Like you’re itchy down there or something.”
“Oh, I don’t know, Buck,” Eddie snaps. “If you were missing eight inches down there, you’d be standing like this too!”
Buck barely suppresses a snort. “...Eight inches is a little generous, Eddie.”
“Pendejo, you know what–”
Buck put his hands up in surrender. “Listen! Just– Just put a sock down there or something. Maybe it’ll make you feel more comfortable.”
Eddie almost begins to protest, but Buck has a point. It won’t be like the real thing, but maybe it’ll trick his brain into remembering what walking with a dick feels like—rather than walking without one. At least it’ll be something to fill in the loose fabric.
He shuffles back to his room to grab a pair of bunched socks from his dresser. Eddie shoves the socks down his pants.
He glances in the mirror to see if there’s a noticeable change. It doesn’t look much different to his own eyes, maybe a little lumpy, but it certainly feels a bit better.
While walking, it takes some adjusting to get things right. He looks like he’s scratching his junk for the most part. But it’s certainly preferable to walking without his usual dick.
“Better?” Buck asks gently.
Eddie huffs. “I guess.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I keep having to move it because it won’t sit right but, does it… look okay?”
Buck stands and looks Eddie up and down, more respectfully this time. He even moves back to get a better angle and gives a thumbs up. “Looks legit to me.”
Eddie sighs in relief. “I don’t even know where to start, Buck.” He racks his mind, trying to retrace his steps from the day before. But nothing seems to ring a bell. It’s not like he was doused in some magic potion, or exposed to gas created by some freaked up scientist. The last week or so has been completely normal.
“Maybe this is some kind of cosmic lesson,” Buck says. Because of course that’s what he says.
“What kind of lesson gives me a vagina?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, you gotta appreciate what you have? Or don’t have?” Buck shrugs.
“What I’d appreciate is my dick back.” Eddie shoves his hands into his pockets. The motion displaces his sock-dick a little bit.
Eddie awkwardly walks to the kitchen for a glass of water. He still feels twitchy. How long is he going to have to deal with this? Will it all be over when he wakes up tomorrow, or is this just his new normal?
Maybe it really is divine punishment. For what? All the women he’s wronged? Except that would be ridiculous.
“Are you sure it feels better? You’re still walking kind of funny.” Buck leans on the kitchen counter, evidently having followed him. “I’m not trying to be mean, I swear, Eddie.” He adds swiftly, hands up like he’s surrendering.
“Well the sock-dick isn’t exactly anatomically accurate.” Eddie purses his lips. He pours himself some water and drinks slowly.
“Maybe you need different underwear,” Buck suggests simply, shrugging, “Like panties?”
Eddie nearly spits out his water. “I’m not wearing panties Buck!”
“Eddie, listen, they’re gonna fit better on your new…” Eddie gives Buck a warning look. “...Equipment. It’ll fit better than your briefs will now. They make boyshorts! And you’ll only have to wear them for now, just to make you more comfortable.”
“How do you know it’s just for now, Buck? I could be stuck like this!” Eddie recalls what Buck said earlier. He could get his period. Does he only have a vagina? Or does he have everything? Could he get pregnant? Oh God, Eddie thinks, maybe this really is some sort of divine punishment.
“Like you said, we’ve gotta be normal, right? This…this is your new normal. Tomorrow, it could all be over. We just gotta get you comfortable.”
As much as Eddie hates to admit to himself, Buck is right. And he can only hope that what he says comes true. It seems stupid to buy a piece of clothing for one day only, but it would certainly help his predicament. And if for some reason it wasn’t over tomorrow– well.
“Fine. Let’s just buy some underwear and get it over with.” Eddie sets down his water. The sooner the better, he thinks.
“C’mon. Maybe the drive will help you clear your mind.” Buck pats him on the back and offers a sheepish smile. Eddie can hardly give him one in return.
Buck drives. Like an unspoken apology for his complete unhelpfulness so far. He starts towards the general direction of the nearest shopping center, his muscles moving and flexing in his arms as he turns the wheel. It makes Eddie’s mouth water a little bit.
He tears his eyes away. Damn this vagina.
The silence is awkward until Buck finally breaks it.
“So, where do you want to look first?”
“I don’t know. Walmart is fine.”
“Walmart? Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Eddie glances over at Buck. It’s a fine store. And he needs something cheap he won’t feel guilty about throwing away later. Or burning.
Buck hums, thinking. Then, he says, “I don’t know if they have good quality fabrics, though.”
Eddie squints at him in confusion. “That doesn’t matter, it’s not like I’m making a long-term investment.”
For whatever reason, that makes Buck look absolutely outraged. “The fabric matters! It needs breathability, Eddie! You have to take care of it while you have it.”
“It’s fine,” Eddie grumbles.
“C’mon Eddie,” Buck sighs, “It deserves– you deserve nice things, okay? Why not splurge on your once in a lifetime vagina?”
Because his once in a lifetime vagina is evil and unreasonable and doesn’t deserve nice things, is what Eddie thinks.
He doesn’t answer Buck. So the man flips on the blinker – in a way that has the vagina force Eddie to stare at his fingers – and takes a turn onto a street Eddie wouldn’t normally take to get to Walmart.
“Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you to Victoria’s Secret,” Buck declares, “And you’re going to pick out something nice.”
“Ew.” Eddie knows his face reads nothing but disgust. Buck glances over at him with his brows creased. “Please stop saying weird shit. You’re making it sound like I’m your sugar baby.”
“I would be happy to pay if that’s an issue, I know it’s a little more expensive–”
Eddie cuts him off with a groan. “Two random dudes walking into Victoria’s Secret to buy panties isn’t weird to you?”
“Well, no, but,” Buck thinks aloud, “I could just go in for you.”
“No, fuck no,” Eddie immediately rejects that offer. He knows exactly what would happen. “I’m not wearing a lime green bedazzled thong.”
Buck eases into a parking spot, stops the car, and turns his body towards Eddie. He has the nerve to look offended. “I wouldn’t pick something like that, I have taste.”
“You don’t even know what size I’d wear,” Eddie grumbles.
Buck looks down at Eddie’s lap, tilts his head a bit, quirking an eyebrow. “Extra large?”
“I hate you so much,” Eddie groans, throwing his head back against the headrest. “I should’ve called Hen.”
“Fine! Call Hen! She’ll tell you to buy your own damn underwear.” Buck shoves his phone and keys into his pockets. “Be grateful.”
Head still resting, defeated, against the seat, Eddie turns towards Buck and fixes him with a pitiful look.
“Thank you.”
Buck grins, toothy and stupid. Then he pats Eddie on the thigh and slides out of the car. “Let me know if you want any matching sets!” He calls right before closing the car door.
Eddie sinks into the passenger seat. Maybe he could just disappear into Buck’s car and never have to face anyone again. Maybe whatever forces have cursed him with an evil vagina will let him melt into goo to get washed away the next time Buck accidentally leaves the window cracked in the car wash.
That would be an okay way to go.
It doesn’t take long for his phone to chime. Eddie grimaces in preparation for whatever he’s about to read.
Buck: No but seriously what size
Buck: What pussy size you got
Eddie thumbs downs his message.
Eddie: XL
Buck: KNEW IT
He thumbs it down again.
Eddie closes his eyes and tries to really think about it.
He has to make himself very okay with the face that maybe there are some magical forces at play here, very quickly. There’s no other possible option. Bodies don’t just swap out genitalia in one night.
So he walks himself through the past week.
Fairly normal calls at work. They had one pretty nasty fire, but smoke inhalation shouldn’t cause a spontaneous vagina.
He took Chris shopping for some school project supplies, then got pizza for dinner since they were out. But his pizza spot has never wronged him before and he doesn’t think it ever would.
Buck came over, they drank a few beers. Christopher went to sleep. They had one more each and pressed their thighs together on the couch.
He never would’ve questioned that before. Clearly his new vagina thinks that’s an important detail.
Eddie’s head dropped onto Buck’s shoulder and Eddie thought he might have felt Buck bury his nose in Eddie’s hair for a moment.
But that doesn’t mean anything.
The next day he did laundry, dropped Christopher off at his friend’s house, and walked around aimlessly in his house until it was time to meet Buck for dinner.
Then the dinner– the dinner!
It was the only strange part of his week. Of the last few weeks, probably. Their waitress was super weird. She stared at Buck the entire time like she was trying to either undress him or explode him with his mind.
But then, why would this have happened to Eddie?
Eddie whines to himself. Nothing makes any sense!
His life has gotten too weird.
Before he can keep thinking about it any longer, the driver’s side door opens and Buck climbs into the car with a shit eating grin on his face.
“A lovely lady helped me out,” he says, “I think you’re really going to like what we chose.”
Then, an unsubtle pink and white striped bag appears in Eddie’s lap.
He really wants to wait until they get home, where he can hide in his bedroom with the door locked so he doesn’t have to look through the underwear his best friend picked out for him as he watches, but he’s helpless as Buck stares at him and gestures for Eddie to look.
He pushes the tissue paper to the side and is somewhat pleased to see neutral colors at least. Two black and gray boyshorts and two tan colored regular looking panties.
“I figured I’d get you some options,” Buck explains, “The lady in the store said those were really comfortable.”
“What the hell did you say to this woman?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Buck says casually, “I just told her I was shopping for my girlfriend.”
Eddie is worried. Eddie is very, very worried. Right as the sentence leaves Buck’s mouth, a jolt of something very unwelcome starts through his body. He thinks his vagina might be changing his brain chemistry.
“There’s one more at the bottom.” Buck nudges his elbow, mischief in his eyes.
“No,” Eddie whines.
He searches blindly for the last bit of fabric, then pulls it out of the bag. In broad daylight. In this busy parking lot where families walk past on their way to Build-a-Bear or some shit. Eddie, a grown ass man, holds up a thong.
Lime green fabric, bedazzled waistband.
“You asked for it.”
Eddie shoves all of the underwear back into the bag. “I did not fucking ask for a thong, Buck! What is wrong with you? Seriously, why are you the way you are?”
“It was five for forty-five!”
That sends a shiver down Eddie’s spine, and not in a good way. “I could have gotten like ten for five dollars at Walmart.”
“Don’t complain until after you see how soft they are.” Buck starts to reverse out of the parking spot and Eddie has visions of putting his hand over Buck’s eyes as they merge onto the freeway and killing them both.
It would put him out of his misery.
He really wishes he followed through with it when he’s alone in his bedroom and he pulls on a pair of the boyshorts. They really are comfortable and close enough to his normal underwear that it doesn’t feel that strange, and it gets rid of the empty feeling. He just doesn’t want to face Buck’s knowing look.
He considers shoving the socks back down there, gets halfway out of his bedroom before going back in, then deciding not to after all. Eddie’s distracted by it nonetheless when he leaves his bedroom again and he walks straight into Buck.
“Oh, shit,” Buck gasps, sloshing two cups of coffee all over himself.
“Crap, sorry.” Eddie grabs the mugs before he can drop them. Unfortunately, this leaves Buck’s hands open for him to pull his coffee soaked shirt over his head.
In the few seconds it takes for Buck to take his shirt off, it’s like time has suddenly come to a halt. Eddie’s gaze lingers over Buck’s broad chest, bare and slightly wet from the spill. It’s glistening.
The sight makes Eddie want to squirm. He’s tingly and all warm in his face. In a good way, he thinks suddenly, and now Eddie’s the one who’s ogling Buck.
Once the realization hits, Eddie feels like his heart could beat out of his chest. Then, Eddie notices, it’s got its own heartbeat too.
Not only does this magical vagina force make him irritated and moody, it makes him helplessly attracted to his best friend too.
“Hot, hot, hot,” Buck mutters to himself. He pats his hands over his chest. That big, tattooed chest.
Eddie’s throat is suddenly too dry.
“Eddie?” Buck looks up. His damp shirt is still in his hands. Those big hands. Those muscular arms. His mind flashes to Buck rolling up firehoses at work. Firehose. Nope, Eddie thinks to himself, not gonna follow up with that thought.
“I’m fine. I’m gonna clean up.” Buck says, taking his soiled shirt and disappearing into the bathroom.
When Buck reappears, he’s still gloriously shirtless, much to Eddie’s dismay. He doesn’t think he’ll survive if this goes on any longer.
Eddie swallows and bites the inside of his lip, still frozen in place. He cannot believe this stupid, magical vagina is conjuring these stupid, horny thoughts.
“We have to figure out how to change me back.” Eddie croaks out. He can barely muster the courage to look Buck in the eye. Maybe he’ll somehow magically read Eddie’s thoughts too and then they’ll really be in for it.
“O-of course.” Buck replies. He gives Eddie a curious look. “Are you feeling okay? I mean– other than the obvious. You look flushed.” Eddie can’t even verbalize a dignified response.
Eddie quickly shakes his head no, realizing that he’s still got the mugs in his hands. Eddie has to attempt to make some sort of distance between them, or he doesn’t know what else could happen.
However, when Eddie sulks to the kitchen, Buck follows close behind. He can’t even bring himself to wash the two mugs, only placing them in the sink with a loud thud. This whole situation is distracting him with unsavory thoughts about his best friend. Eddie hangs over the sink in defeat, his back turned towards Buck.
“Did your cramps come back? ‘Cause I can run to the store to get you something if you need me to.” Buck says gently. Dammit. He’s hot even when he’s doing the bare minimum.
“No,” Eddie drags a hand over his face. He glances back to see Buck staring at him with those pleading, glittering eyes, and concedes to the fact that unless he figures out a way to change back — he’s…
Buck gives him a reassuring look. “Don’t worry man, we’ll figure it out eventually.” He hears Buck step closer, too close. “Or, you know, you might get used to it, and that would be okay too.”
Hands braced on either side of the sink, the only thing holding him up at this point, Eddie shakes his head sadly.
“We have to figure out how to change me back because–” Eddie can hardly fathom what he’s about to say. He turns to face Buck now, more dramatic than he intended. “Because this vagina is making me gay.”
Buck goes absolutely silent.
If he didn’t know better, he would think he was a statue.
Buck’s pec twitches.
It’s the most miniscule of movements, but it happens, and Eddie can’t stop himself from looking.
“Oh my God,” Buck breathes, “Your vagina wants me.”
Eddie almost whimpers.
Then, Buck blinks hard, physically forcing himself out of his shock.
“No, that’s not– that is not how that works,” he argues with himself, “You want me.”
Eddie turns around fully, leaning his back against the sink. He spells it out for him. “I told you, the vagina is making me gay, it’s giving me gay thoughts.”
“Eddie, the vagina isn’t your Green Goblin mask. I think you have to already have latent gay thoughts to experience gay thoughts.”
Buck doesn’t understand, and really it should be the least of their worries right now. The mechanics of it don’t matter, what matters is getting his junk switched back to how it should be.
He was getting to it, earlier in the car. Something about that restaurant wasn’t quite right. He thought it was food poisoning, but clearly it wasn’t. Except that doesn’t mean it wasn’t something.
“We need to go back to that restaurant,” Eddie tells him frantically. Something in the back of his mind tells him he should probably stop giving Buck whiplash with the conversation topics, but he seems to be keeping up alright.
“What restaurant?” Buck questions, then, “From last night? It wasn’t that good.”
“Now, we have to go now.” Eddie pushes himself off the sink, grabs Buck around the wrist, and pulls him towards the front door.
“It’s ten in the morning!” Buck cries, “They’re not even open!”
“Well someone better be there!” Eddie is yanked backwards when Buck stops following him. He whips around to look at him manically. “They have to give me my penis back!”
“You think the restaurant took your penis? I’m pretty sure you left with it still attached.”
“I know, but the moment I got home something started happening to me. It had to have been something about the restaurant!” Eddie explains.
Buck squints his eyes in confusion. Then he closes them fully, now in deep thought. Eddie’s impatience has reached a whole new level with this man, but before he can urge Buck to get a move on, Buck shouts: “Cookie!”
Eddie blinks in disbelief. He truly never knows what Buck really will say next. “Well that’s definitely another word for it.”
“The fortune cookie!” Buck elaborates. “You ate it and now…”
“Oh my god,” Eddie gasps, “I told you that shit tasted weird!”
“And that cryptic fortune inside?”
“So,” Eddie laughs in bewilderment, recalling the tiny paper’s inscription, “Something lost was my dick, and something earned was a vagina.” Just his kind of luck.
“It could have been worse.” Buck says sheepishly. Eddie doesn’t think so. Having a spontaneous vagina that reminds you a shirtless man is in the house is bad enough.
“Just please put on a shirt so we can go get my dick back.” Eddie whines, covering his eyes with his hands.
“Oh, yep,” He can hear Buck say as he runs to look for a shirt. “Sorry! I’ll meet you in the car.” Eddie turns towards the door, swipes his car keys off the key holder on the wall, and makes his way outside.
He’ll drive this time, he decides, because Eddie will spare not a minute more in this precariously unique situation.
When Buck returns and opens the car door, he’s aptly chosen a shirt that is stupidly tight in all the right places. Eddie doesn’t think he has the strength to drive anymore.
“What?” Buck asks, looking behind him. “I locked the door.”
“Did you really have to choose that one?” Eddie doesn’t mean to sound accusatory, but somehow he determines this is another cosmic punishment from the universe, or rather, the frivolous fortune cookie. Buck shrugs.
“It’s yours, man.” He says matter-of-factly. Then he looks down, inspecting the faded logo on the shirt. “It’s just a little snug. Your shirts don’t fit like they used to.”
Eddie hits his head on the steering wheel. Damn that fuckass cookie. And damn his horny ass vagina.
Buck’s eyes widen, catching Eddie’s drift all of a sudden. “Oh. Do you want me to—“
“Just get in!” Eddie cries out. Buck nods quickly and hops into the passenger seat. He clears his throat awkwardly, looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t.
Buck taps his foot nervously the entire drive. It puts Eddie on edge.
He glances over at Eddie, opens his mouth, and doesn’t say anything.
He does it two more times before Eddie finally breaks. “What?”
“I feel like it’s fair for you to know,” Buck starts, “That if it were me, who y’know, got the magical vagina, I’d probably also be a little… uh, flustered, around you too.”
Eddie grips the steering wheel tighter. “I’m not flustered.”
“You’re a little flustered.” Buck smiles at him. “And that’s okay.”
“I just want everything to go back to normal.”
“Everything is going to work out in the end, I promise,” Buck tells him earnestly.
“Somehow that doesn’t feel comforting,” Eddie sighs. He blasts through a yellow light, probably cuts someone off merging into a lane, and hits a pothole in a way that makes the windshield wipers come on. He has Buck gripping the handle above him, but he doesn’t care. This has to end as soon as possible.
He parks in a fifteen minute loading zone and is out of the car and halfway towards the restaurant before Buck can tell him it’s a bad idea.
The lights inside are dim, the sign on the door is flipped to closed, but to Eddie’s surprise, it’s unlocked. He pushes in without a second thought. Someone has to be in here.
“Hello?” He calls and scans the room.
“Sorry, we’re closed!” A girl’s voice sounds from around the corner. Then, she appears in the cutout that looks into the kitchen and it’s the same girl who served them last night.
“Eddie you can’t just–” Buck whispers anxiously, catching up to him.
Eddie watches as the girl’s gaze shifts from annoyed while looking at Eddie, to knowing as she fixes on Buck.
“Oh,” she says, “It’s you two.”
“What did you do?” Eddie demands, voice low.
“Only what he deserved.” She narrows her eyes at Buck. “You don’t even know who I am, do you?”
“Am I supposed to?” Eddie’s getting increasingly impatient. It was her. It’s obvious in the way she’s not even surprised they came back.
“Not you,” she clarifies, nodding her head towards Buck, “Him.”
Eddie whips around to look at Buck. He’s gaping at the girl, but there’s no recognition in his eyes. He looks between her and Eddie nervously.
“I–” He stutters, “I’m sorry, I– I don’t–”
He can see her cross her arms despite the half wall still in between them. She furrows her brows. “Seriously.”
“I’m assuming we didn’t meet while I was working?” Buck’s voice goes high.
Now that Eddie isn’t as blinded by the cocktail of emotions that have been running through him, it starts to dawn on him that there may in fact be more to this story.
“You seriously don’t remember the girl you hooked up with for three months…”
“Oh– oh, listen, I– that was a long time ago, okay, and I don’t do that anymore–”
“Three months,” she says pointedly, “And then we stopped.”
“I’m sure you’re a really… uh, nice girl, but I was–”
“We stopped. And then two weeks later you slept with my roommate.” Her voice is as cold as ice.
Eddie cannot believe he is standing in between Buck and an old hookup, and his vagina has the nerve to make him feel sort of jealous right now.
“Oh,” Buck gasps, “I do remember you!” He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “...Lexi?”
“My name is Ingrid!” She stomps her foot. Eddie turns to look at Buck. He’s grimacing, clearly reeling from the mistake.
Seriously, Eddie mouths. No wonder she wanted to curse Buck with a spontaneous vagina.
“Shit. Ingrid–I, uh, to be fair, didn’t know she was your roommate.”
“Right.” The girl, Ingrid, scoffs.
“I used to be a sex addict?” He continues, “Um, and if it makes it any better, I’m not one anymore… so. I’m very sorry about that.”
“I don’t need your apology,” she mutters, “I just want you to know how it feels.”
Buck tilts his head at her, confused. Eddie cannot take one more second of this conversation.
“Okay!” He cries, “That’s enough! So Buck slept with you, what, eight years ago? What the hell does that have to do with me?”
Ingrid has the absolute nerve to look confused. Her gaze shifts from Eddie then to Buck, and settles on Eddie again. Buck on the other hand, locks back in. He straightens up, crosses his arms, and stands next to Eddie in a way that grounds him.
“What?” She scowls at Eddie, seemingly annoyed that he interrupted her revenge on Buck.
Eddie stalks closer towards where she stands and points a finger at her. “What the hell did you put in that cookie?”
Ingrid blinks. “Wait, you ate it?”
“Yes!” Eddie throws his hands up in the air. “And I knew something was off about it the minute I did, then I felt like shit all night, and I wake up and suddenly! Vagina! My penis is gone and all I’ve got is a vagina that’s making me gay and a sparkly green thong!”
He breathes heavily, worked up by it all. His arms hang limp by his sides once he lets them fall back down. The girl stares at him in disbelief.
“Well, damn.” Ingrid sighs.
“That’s all you have to say?”
She almost looks disappointed. “He was supposed to eat it, not you.” She waves a hand towards Buck.
At that, Buck steps forward. “Uh, what made you think I would be the one to eat it?”
“I didn’t really think that far ahead to be honest.” She shrugs. “Well that sucks, this whole thing was for nothing.”
Eddie sees red. He starts to stalk even closer towards her, but Buck immediately blocks him with a hand on his chest. That, however, just makes him even more murderous from the warmth that pools in him because of Buck’s touch.
“Okay,” Buck says simply, “Can you reverse it?”
Ingrid sighs, but nods. She disappears into the kitchen. When she’s out of sight, Buck turns around to put both hands on Eddie’s biceps.
“I am so sorry.”
“It was supposed to be you,” Eddie growls. He can’t help it. Of course he would get into this situation because of Buck. His life used to be normal.
“I know,” Buck says softly, “It’s gonna be okay, I’m really really sorry this happened to you and not me.”
“I can’t believe it was supposed to be you.”
Buck smirks. “I am a little jealous.”
Eddie rolls his eyes and groans. “Please stop getting horny during my crisis, you are not allowed to get horny during my crises!”
“I’m not horny!” Buck argues. He’s interrupted by Ingrid clearing her throat.
She comes fully out of the kitchen this time and walks hesitantly towards them, holding out another fortune cookie in her palm. Eddie eyes it suspiciously.
“This will reverse it,” Ingrid says with certainty, “I promise.”
Eddie snatches it from her hand and cracks it open. He shoves one half into his mouth before even reading the fortune.
Every cookie has its silver lining.
Ridiculous.
He finishes the cookie as fast as humanly possible, even taking the tiny paper in his mouth for good measure. He can’t be too careful. Ingrid eyes him warily. He certainly doesn’t feel any different.
“Did it work?” Buck asks, looking at him excitedly.
“It’ll probably happen tonight,” Ingrid explains, “You should sleep through it like last time. Expect some light cramping.”
“Great, thanks,” Eddie says deadpan. It’ll be worth it to get his dick back.
He goes to leave the restaurant, not wanting to waste any more of his day here now that things may be going back to the way they should be.
“You think I could get some more of the first ones?” He hears Buck ask. “Y’know, just in case–”
“Buck!”
“Yep, okay, bye, thank you!”
Eddie finally releases the choked breath he’s been holding in all day when he gets back into the driver’s seat of his car. He isn’t back to normal yet, but it’s finally on the horizon.
“Well, that went well!” Buck says as he slides into his own seat, sending Eddie a bright smile. “Hey, do you think if you had eaten the entire cookie last time you would’ve gotten boobs too?”
“I can’t believe you.”
The drive back to the house is much less chaotic and both Eddie and Buck are more relaxed because of it. Eddie can finally even acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, this whole situation was a little bit funny in a way.
He’s still never doing it again. He’s never eating another fortune cookie from anywhere, or taking any free samples ever.
And he’s definitely not trusting any that Buck may give him after watching him slip one into his pocket as they left the restaurant.
“I’m going to stop at CVS and get some melatonin,” Eddie tells him, taking a turn that’s not on the route to his house, “I’m taking a nap as soon as we get back. I know she said tonight, but I seriously cannot wait that long.”
“Alright,” Buck says quietly. Eddie glances over, and Buck looks almost disappointed.
“What?”
“You’re just seriously not even gonna take it for a spin?” Buck blurts, “I mean, I think you were given a gift, and you’re not even appreciating it!”
“You’re telling me if this were you, you wouldn’t have been freaked out. You would have just masturbated all day? Is that what you think I should have done?” Eddie questions. Although, given today’s events, he feels like he should know the answer.
“Without a doubt,” Buck says seriously, “First thing I would have done.”
“You’re disgusting.” Eddie parks in the CVS lot. “Go get me melatonin.”
“Sir, yes, sir.” Buck salutes him and half-jogs into the store, leaving Eddie to skulk in the parking lot once again.
He is going to miss having Buck as his personal errand boy. It was fun while it lasted, anyway.
While he waits, Eddie tries to calm himself down, decompress. He closes his eyes and thinks about jello. It works for about ten seconds, and then he’s suddenly bombarded with images of Buck. Shirtless Buck. Shirtless Buck standing in his kitchen giving him bedroom eyes. Shirtless Buck in his bedroom–
“You have to stop!” Eddie yells at his crotch.
So he’s going to have to overdose on melatonin if he wants any chance at falling asleep. He’ll do it. He’ll do anything to get his dick back and stop reacting to Buck like this. Not that it’s such a horrible thing, it’s just not… right. It’s the vagina making him like this. It has to be.
“Got the goods!” Buck declares when he returns with a much more nondescript bag than the last time he went shopping for Eddie.
“Thanks, Buck,” Eddie says earnestly, “Really.”
“Anytime.” Buck beams.
Eddie makes grabby hands for the bag as soon as they get into the house. Buck doesn’t hand it over immediately. Instead, he looks inside at the contents, then back up at Eddie with a look on his face that Eddie doesn’t like.
“What did you buy, Buck?” He’s so done with the shenanigans today. He just wants to crawl into bed and wake up with a penis.
“I got the melatonin.” Buck pulls a bottle of gummies out of the bag and hands it over. “I also got tampons.”
“Why?” Eddie sighs.
“Just in case!” Buck takes two boxes out of the bag and puts them on the coffee table cautiously. “Just in case it takes a while to work, I wanted to be safe, okay? I got two different sizes, but I’m assuming you’ll want the extra large.”
“No.”
“I mean, I did look up there, Eds.” Buck scratches the side of his head sheepishly. “I think you’re gonna need the big ones.”
“I don’t want any of them!” Eddie gives him a halfhearted shove. “I’m not getting my period and I’m not going to!”
Buck raises his hands up placatingly, then puts the boxes back into the bag. “I’m just gonna put them in my car. And if you need them, they’re there. And if not, I’ll keep them at my place for guests.”
“I’m going to take my nap,” Eddie tells him. He shoves a handful of melatonin into his mouth and drags his feet into his bedroom.
Eddie passes out the second his head hits the pillow.
His nap is dreamless, and when he wakes up sweaty and slightly crampy, a big ass smile grows on his face.
He shoves down the waistband of his pants and sees it. His dick! Still clad in Victoria’s Secret boyshorts, is his beautiful, beautiful bulge.
Eddie scrambles out of bed, almost tripping on his comforter in the process, and runs into the living room.
“Buck! It’s back!”
He stops short in the entryway.
Buck doesn’t seem to have heard him, or noticed him. No, instead he’s in the middle of Eddie’s living room, shirtless again, doing pushups. He’s counting too, louder than usual, and sounds like he’s struggling. Whimpering, even.
It’s the most obscene thing Eddie has ever seen and heard in his life. For a second, he forgets all about getting his dick back, because that same jolt of warmth that he’s been being hit with all day comes back with a vengeance.
And he doesn’t have a vagina to blame it on anymore. This is purely Eddie.
“Oh, hey!” Buck greets him breathily. He’s shiny with sweat and when he stands up his sweatpants sit low on his hips. Eddie can’t help but do a long double-take.
When he meets Buck’s eyes again, he’s grinning. “So is the elephant back in the room with us?”
“Turns out my dick makes me gay too,” Eddie says matter of factly and starts walking into the room with purpose.
“Fantastic!” Buck replies.
Eddie chuckles despite himself, grabs Buck by the waist, and crashes their mouths together. Buck immediately gets with the program, pulling Eddie even closer and giving it his all. It feels monumental, but also completely normal. Like they should have been doing it the entire time. Buck gets a hand in Eddie’s hair, fingers scratching against his scalp, and it sends shivers down his entire body. Buck takes his gasp as an opportunity to trace his tongue into Eddie’s mouth.
So maybe his vagina had the right idea.
“By the way,” Buck pants when they pull apart, “Ingrid gave me another cookie.”
“I know, I saw you take it.” Eddie leans in again, chasing after his lips. “I am never doing that again.”
Buck breathes him in for a moment, then pulls away again. It makes Eddie whine without thinking.
“Right, so,” Buck says, “I already ate it.”
“Of course you did.”