Chapter Text
Watching her friends enjoy their life in the real world are some of the happiest moments that she has ever experienced. They live with such a burning vigor that it rivals the very sun. The real sun that shines so brightly down upon them, being warmed by it and the pumping of their blood beneath their skin. This new brightness had become the new normal.
It was a welcomed sight.
A welcomed feeling for her friends. Something that hadn't truly been possible before in the circus. Before, it had felt like a thin veil covered them, or more fitting, a glove covering their senses, depriving them of that human sensation and instead replacing it with an artificial one.
The artificial light and warmth emitted from the headset and by extension the computer that had once housed her friend's minds, the buzzing and inner workings of the computer and the digital world held within, had nothing on the real deal.
They are all so happy to be out, all so filled with life. Pomni wants to bottle those moments up and stuff them deep into her heart, her mind; weave them into her very soul, so that no matter what occurs in the future, she will never forget them. Pomni promises to herself that no digital world or any other world will ever snatch those memories away.
Never again.
With everyone so happy, it was almost too easy to settle into this feeling that life was perfect, that it would all work out in the end.
That it had all worked out in the end.
Almost like the circus never happened.
…Almost.
If only this pesky screen wasn't still in the way.
The screen was still there.
It separated her from them.
From the real world.
She was still trapped. Trapped behind a screen while the other five were free.
Still in her stupidly short, cartoony, tricolored jester form.
It was by her own volition that it was her that was still trapped. A stellar display of her “savior complex” as Jax had called it. Though those choice of words probably say more about how he views her than how it really is- she thinks so at least.
It was the logical choice, she had been there barely a couple months, she was “the most mentally stable and capable” out of all them.
Pomni had always had to be more strong willed than her peers, if she wasn’t then they would always underestimate her. In her younger years her family had always infantized her. She had only truly gotten them to stop a few years back when she had moved away for college… Hopefully her going missing for months won’t reinstate or validate— in their eyes, any of their preconceived notions. Hopefully…
Similar situations followed her throughout school and even in the work environment. Being infantized, belittled, and looked down upon, often time literally, due to her height. She had taken up urbexing, alone might she add, as a way to at the very least validate her capability to herself. But she also couldn’t deny the thrill that it gave her. Once she had gone on a few explorations, she knew that she wasn't just going to stop, not now that she had proven that she could. Not now that she had gotten a taste of that foreign, almost unhinged type of freedom. Freedom that she had been searching her whole life for. Freedom from prying, judgemental eyes.
The only word that she could use to describe her current situation was ironic.
Ironic that the thing that had once given her such freedom, is now the very thing that led to her freedom being taken away.
Ironic that urbexing had started as a way to disprove the views that others had of her and, in a way, it now felt like those views were valid.
She hated that.
But perhaps worst of all.
Ironic that Caine was, if you really thought about it, an infant himself when it came to understanding human emotions. All the complicated feelings jumbled up together. He had very little experience with it and being an AI, he didn't know how to regulate his version of emotions that were generated. He didn't understand what the humans were feeling, what they were actually trying to tell him when they had opposed him.
He had basically had a tantrum like any infant or child would be in his shoes, so unaware of the way feelings worked. But… had she snooped to his level in that moment of confrontation? Was that necessary?
She couldn't ignore the growing sickly feeling that corroded inside of her. She had doubted her maturity at that moment. She knew that it wasn’t true, at least not fully, but her mind was unkind to her after all the stress of the the torture, Caine, the circus falling apart; eradicated, the color fading as the once joyful and bright surroundings darkened.
All the struggles of her past and present had fused, bubbling to the surface due to cortisol and adrenaline pumping through her veins– wait, does she have veins in her digital body? Cortisol or adrenaline either…?
Oh well, who knows… doesn't really matter. The circus had made it feel like she had those things. So that was true regardless.
But no, she had to reason with herself. She had done what she could in that moment to distract Caine for long enough that Kinger would be able to alter his code, to put him to sleep like one would a cranky infant. To wake him back up again once things were clearer, easier, better. For everyone involved. So that they all could look at life with renewed hope. Even if it was still in the circus.
She knew that they could be happy there. Together.
Goes to show what I know, she thought bitterly, I’m not happy here all alone…
But of course, that was different circumstances, being together with the rest of her friends compared to all alone? It wasn't even comparable. And could she really even call it “here”? It didn't even feel like the circus anymore. She couldn't compare it to the circus.
But she couldn't and wouldn't blame anyone but herself for her decision to be the one to stay even if she was starting to not necessarily regret it– because how could she regret saving her friends? She had just become a bit annoyed with the whole thing.
Okay, maybe really annoyed.
It had been a big decision but a fairly easy decision when it had come down to it.
A decision fully her own— basically her own, she had wormed it out of Kinger as the only possible way to get all of them out… eventually. Despite many against it, some responded with more kicking and screaming than others… literally. It was revealed just before the others went through, but it was quickly confirmed that it would be safest that she be the one who stayed behind. At least for a little longer.
The stupid update just has to finally finish loading.
It had all begun just after standing up to Caine… after the torture… after Kinger accidentally “killed” Caine... after the circus started to collapse and darken… and after Zooble cursed.
~☆~
“Holy shit.”
Then it was quiet. Too quiet for the circus. Too quiet for all that had just transpired. Everyone’s jaws or whatever their equivalent to them was, were slacked. For those who didn't, it was primarily their eyes that were working overtime.
But what else could be said? Zooble had just so eloquently described what they were all thinking.
Holy shit, indeed.
It would have been understandable for anyone to start spiralling after that.
The censor is gone? What is going on? What now? Is there a way out? Can we even try to find an exit anymore? Can we conquer our way out? Is it even possible to abstract anymore? What will happen to the abstracted? What will—
Right when she was about to launch herself into a deep spiral, she stopped.
Closed her eyes. Took some digital air in and breathed.
She opened her eyes again.
There was some heavy breathing a ways off to her right.
Jax.
Zooble wasn't between them anymore, while she had closed her eyes Pomni had missed them standing frozen for a moment before launching themselves forward. Contributing a great deal to the loud noise pounding in Pomni’s head as they tried to get information out of Kinger.
Things like what exactly had happened, how Kinger had “killed” Caine, and what exactly that meant.
But that wasn't what she concerned herself with at the moment. Jax was not doing well. For a moment she was afraid that he would start laughing hysterically again, but that might have almost been a better outcome, at least then she would know he was still even slightly in there. Right then it looked like he was just a shell of his former self, like his brain had checked out. Like the only function his brain could perform for his body was to breathe despite not actually needing to breathe to live in this digital world.
He was staring straight ahead but his eyes were unseeing, he was not present.
As she made her way over to him, the time it took her to go those few steps felt like an eternity. Hesitantly she reached a hand out to hover just shy a few inches from his arm, “…Jax?”
“What now.” The suddenness made her drop her hand and take a step back.
She wasn't sure if it had meant to be a statement or question. Those two words not holding even a bit of his usual facade of humour in them. It almost felt worse then when he had pushed her away after the gun adventure. Worse than when she had seen his defeated expression as he told her to “stop looking”. Because she would never stop looking. She had seen his broken parts and instead of breaking him further, instead of leaving him on the ground like he had left her, she wanted to help mend him. Because she had felt like her own brokenness was being reflected back at her. Mirrored back despite it being a different type of brokenness.
Different types of brokenness, sure– everyone is different.
But no less seen. He saw her as she was, she knew that he had. He helped unlock a side of her that she normally kept hidden. He helped unlock the chains brought on by the circus, he gave her the freedom to just be.
She only hoped she could do the same for him.
She saw him as he was, saw the companionship that they could have, and she wasn't about to let that go.
“What?”
“What now?” There was a twinge of desperation in his voice despite the hollowness of it.
Clarified as a question now. Good. She can work with that.
“Well.. I guess we can try to find a way to fix this. Kinger can probably–”
“There's nothing left here.”
That startled her a moment, the definitiveness of his words. “Yes there is, we're still here and we can come up with a plan–”
“What's the plan? No plan could get us out of this.” His words were so flat, empty. Completely devoid of his usual snark. His eyes began to swirl as he clutched an opposite shoulder with each gloved hand. She could see him tightening his grip to a painful degree. “Nothing. Now we have nothi–”
“Jax, stop!”
She couldn't bear to see him like this anymore, drowning in hopelessness, trying to claw his way out but failing time and again. This time being locked in a daze due to his body going into shock, locking him in without any key to freedom in sight.
“It’s going to be okay.” She said as she crept closer. All she could focus on was how scared he looked.
“We are going to fix this.” Pomni reached out her hand and gently rested it on one of his hands still wrapped around his upper arm. He flinched at the contact, but then appeared to steady himself as he slowly turned his head to actually look at her. Jax met her eyes and held her gaze. His eyes were starting to clear up, more alive looking, more animated— at least in the sense of there being awareness behind them. “We are in this together.” As she said that she had squeezed his hand gently.
Gathering all her sincerity, she forced it to tumble out of her pinwheel eyes and into his deep black, all consuming abyss like eyes. She wouldn't mind being swallowed up by them if only it meant that he wouldn't be alone and empty anymore.
“Whatever happens now, I'll be there with you every step of the way.” I’ll prevent you from abstracting, was the silent claim that she did not verbally include. If her suspicions proved to be correct, that was a possible struggle she would have to manage going forward. And manage it she would. She was not willing to lose him. She was going to drag him away from self destruction if she had any say in it. She had had plenty of practice previously with him in the circus as well as in the real world, keeping people and projects afloat while also doing her job. Although this job felt like it was the most important she had ever endeavored to do.
“Promise?”
The question was asked with such instability to it. Like Jax himself would come crashing down like a house of playing cards if she denied him.
Like her promise was a sanctuary he desperately yearned to nestle up into. Safe and protected from anything outside of that oasis that aimed to harm him.
“I promise.”
It took a few hard won moments of intense staring back into his eyes before his head did a slow nod. Taking in an audible breath, he whispered out. “Okay.”
That got a small upward tilt of her lip out of Pomni despite the bleakness that had settled over them all with the days of torture, and now what had just happened within the last hour.
She wanted to keep the promise for him. To show him that he truly was not alone, that she wasn't going to leave him. Jax was a complicated person— she knew that, but she also knew that he didn't want to be alone. Slowly but surely, Pomni knew that she was going to fully break his mask right off of his face and bask in the light brought on by him being free.
Displaying his true self to not only her, but also to the rest of their friends.
Progress.
“Okay.” The tilt of her lips increased just a smidge more.
If only she knew what would be the next proverbial shoe to drop; she might have modified her promise just a bit.