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Long hair being one of my biggest problems while in the dungeon wasn't on my bingo card. My hair has never been this long before and it turned out there was a reason for that: I couldn't stand my hair falling into my face and covering my eyes.
Mordecai had said two weeks and the magic would fade enough that I'd be able to cut my hair without it instantly growing back. He was wrong. Two weeks came and went and my hair refused to be shorter than waist-length for longer than it took me to cut it.
"Carl," Mordecai said, helplessly shrugging, "I don't know what to tell you. The effects are lasting way longer than I expected. I can't be sure if Katia had some hidden skill that made it more potent or if the System AI just prefers you with long hair."
"Great," I deadpanned and pushed my hair out of my eyes. That's just what I needed. When long, my hair was wavy and shiny and felt like silk. That silky texture made my bangs fall out of the ponytail and into my eyes without fail about ten minutes after I tied back my hair. I was losing my goddamn mind over my hair and that made me feel crazier because there were bigger things to worry about. Compared to everything else I've been subjected to, how could this be the thing that made me snap?
As if on cue, a few hairs slipped free from the ponytail and fell into my eyes. I felt my patience thin as spider silk. Without a word I went into my room. We'd upgraded the personal rooms so that there were full bathrooms inside, mostly due to the number of people who were in the public spaces at the guild at any given time. It was nice to have a place to retreat to that no one else could get to me.
Except one…person? More and more I was beginning to think that person was the right word for what the System AI was.
On average my ponytail was tied with five hair ties along the length of it. Unfortunately Rend loved to eat my hair ties and I almost never noticed until he'd already done it. Britney was out of hair ties, which meant that when these ones were gone, I was going to have to figure something else out.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and took out my two remaining hair ties. One was chewed and hanging together by a thread. That thread snapped, of course, and I was down to one hair tie. My heart thrashed and my vision tunneled as I stared at my final hair tie. It was stupid to get worked up over this, of all things.
I planted my hands on the counter and took deep breaths. My hair hung around me. The length of my hair probably wasn't a game mechanic anymore and was now an active choice the AI was making. I had no proof to back my theory. It was just a feeling I had, which twisted like brambles around the the knowledge that I was going to have to keep it. Well, if the AI wanted me to have long hair then it could damn well help me deal with it. I put my hand on the wall. "Hey," I said to the ceiling. "I appreciate that you like me with long hair and that's fine, but I'd like to request your help with keeping it out of my face."
About thirty seconds later, my private messages pinged.
Florin: Mate, I just got a book for you in my loot box.
Carl: What kind of book? From who?
Florin: Uh…it's on braiding hair. And I think it came from the System AI. It wasn't a sponser box. The description just says to give it to Carl.
Carl: Can you meet me at the safe room?
Florin: I'll be there in an hour.
I looked up at the ceiling. Every time asking politely worked with the AI, it surprised me. It probably shouldn't anymore. It was a person after all…at least it acted like one. Time to pay the Daddy tax. I rubbed my feet against the floor of the dungeon, trying to be casual about it. I felt stupid but the AI's made it clear before that it can feel via the dungeon. I wasn't going to think about that too hard. "Thank you," I said to the System AI. I almost said Daddy but couldn't quite manage to get the word out.
It seemed like that was enough because the whole dungeon shuddered and moaned.
Donut: CARL WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!
An hour later Florin pinged me and I saw him show up on my mini map. I met him in the common area, tucking my hair behind my ears to try to keep it out of my face.
Florin took a book from his inventory and held it out to me in one scaled hand. In his large clawed hand the book looked small and silly.
The cover had two little giggling girls on it, their hair done in different styles of braids. It was something you'd give to a middle school kid. Very funny.
I took it into my inventory. "Thank you, Florin. I, uh, I really have to go do something about this," I said, gesturing to my hair.
Florin cocked his head, the gesture lead with his crocodilian nose, as he regarded me. "Good luck with your relationship."
It felt a little like I'd been sucker punched. "My…what?"
"Your relationship with the AI, mate," Florin said.
That was probably a joke but I genuinely needed good luck and there was probably some sort of hidden mechanic that tracked how many times people wished you good luck. Or I was overthinking it. I couldn't tell anymore. "Thanks," I said sincerely and made my escape.
Back in my bathroom, I perched on a folding barstool in front of the mirror and read the book. It included illustrations. There were written instructions. I did exactly what it said and every time the braids fell undone. Braiding hair didn't appear to be a skill that I could level up in, which was really the cherry on top. I tried again and again, and I failed repeatedly. I was in a bathroom so this wasn't being broadcasted to anyone but the AI and honestly, I was grateful that no one else could see me fail at this. It was so easy. So many people from different cultures and even different planets braided their hair. I should be able to do this no problem. I had a knot-tying skill for fucks sake; that had to count for something.
My hands started to tremble and I shook them out. I started again and again the braid fell apart a few seconds after twisting the hair tie on the end. My back teeth ground together as I growled out, "Not gonna break me. Not gonna break me."
Hands set down on my shoulders, one of them holding a cold bottle of whiskey, and I flinched so hard I pulled my own hair. The mirror showed Growler Gary standing behind me. Its irises were white ringed with black. Not Growler Gary, then, but the AI in his body. The AI pressed the bottle to my cheek. "I'm drunk and haven't had hands for most of my life and I'm still better at this than you," it said. "Have a drink so we can at least pretend that's the reason you're bad at this."
The System AI's claws scritched against the glass as I took the bottle. My fingertips brushed over the short fur on its fingers.
I rarely drank because Bea used to say I got moody and withdrawn, and she couldn't stand it. I put the bottle to my lips. The whiskey burned going down.
The System AI ran its claws over my throat, following the bobbing of my adams apple as I swallowed. Its nose was pressed to the hair at the back of my head, and I could feel its warm breath against my scalp as it breathed.
I knew it was really here but sometimes I'm struck by just how alive it is. They called it primal technology, but part of me wondered if that's not entirely accurate. My skin broke out into goosebumps as it ran its claws over my throat.
The System AI was temperamental, impulsive, and prone to dramatics. It's also very lost and still figuring out who and what it is. All this time we've been literally listening to it develop its personhood. Its behavior was virtually unpredictable.
But I wasn't too afraid because I was its favorite person - or a least its favorite pair of feet - and I treated it with respect. I suspected that the AI liked me too much to kill me and aside from the Crawl itself, the AI hadn't hurt me. Which admittedly was a big aside, but if I was right about what it was…it was just as much a victim of this as my planet and my people were.
The AI started not by braiding my hair but by brushing it.
I tried to examine the brush in its hand but the description just said: Daddy is already doing something nice for you, you ungrateful brat, don't make me do more work by coming up with a description too. It's a fucking hair brush.
"Sorry," I said, trying not to laugh.
The AI grunted. It didn't lift its gaze from my hair.
My hair was short for my entire life and I was taught to run a brush through it myself at a young age. Aside from trips to the barbers to keep it short, no one took care of my hair except for me. I was getting strangely emotional as the AI brushed out my long hair, tears filling my eyes and my throat closing with emotion. I felt…safe?…and…cared for? Have I been missing out on this my entire life? Was it really that easy?
Was this how Donut felt when she was brushed? No wonder she liked it so much. I'd have to brush her more myself.
"Humans are so silly with their grooming needs," the System AI noted idly as it set the brush down. It gathered my hair in both hands and let it slide through its fingers. There wasn't a single tangle or catch. I heard a strange sound that it took a moment to realize was the AI's tail wagging.
"I'm not a human anymore," I replied without opening my eyes. When did I close my eyes? I couldn't remember doing it. "You made me a primal."
"And what are you implying?" the AI asked. Its voice wasn't giving anything away, but its hands were still gentle as it began to braid my hair, so I didn't think it'd taken offense. The AI didn't have the personality of someone who lets things stew.
"Maybe it's not just the silly humans who need social grooming to thrive," I said. Truth be told I've never given the topic of human social grooming much thought before and the AI was giving me new food for thought. We all had limitations…and we all had needs.
The AI was silent for a long time. At least for it. It had a mix of organic and inorganic processors that helped it think super fast, which really made its pauses stand out. "I don't really know," it said finally. Its ears flicked back, flattening against its skull briefly before rightening again. "I'm learning so much but there's still so much I don't know and so much useless data to sort through. The Syndicate really has no idea."
Well, this was depressing as hell. I had no idea what to say to that so I kept my mouth shut. Actually, this was better than talking. I focused on the feeling of its hands on me and how nice it was. It's not like I'm touch-starved or anything - I have Donut and all of our friends, some of whom are touchy-feely and…okay, fine, it's mostly Donut I have contact with. I love Donut but her company doesn't hit in quite the same way the System AI's does.
The System AI was being really obvious about drawing this out, but that was alright with me. Being close to it made me feel good and it was clearly a two-way street here. The AI paused braiding my hair to rub the knots of tension that seemed to have made their home permanently in my shoulder muscles.
I was already relaxed from the AI brushing my hair but it surprised me when the AI drew a moan from me. I opened my eyes, met my startled expression in the mirror.
The AI's tail wagged again. It went back to braiding my hair.
After a moment I let my eyes slide closed again. This was nice. It was weird to feel so relaxed and my body kept tensing again as it remembered we were in danger. This was the dungeon; everything was dangerous. But fuck me it was annoying that I couldn't truly relax. What if I never relaxed again? Oh God…
After I tensed for the hundredth time, the AI gestured to the bottle and said, "Carl, have a drink. You're so twitchy and jumpy it's making me twitchy. My boy, you have got to relax."
"I am relaxed," I said, picking up the bottle. "That's the problem."
The AI sighed as it watched me drink. It ran its hands along my shoulders, claws teasing over my neck. It wasn't good at - or maybe it didn't care about - hiding its emotions so I saw the concern on its hyena face. While the AI's expression said concern, its white eyes were sharp with thought. It was scheming something. "What do you want most right now?"
"Nothing I can have," I hedged. This wasn't a topic of conversation conducive to relaxation. But I wanted to know where it was going with this so I said, "For none of this to have happened."
To my surprise, the AI snorted dismissively. "So you'd rather go back to not having a family? You'd give up all these crawlers you've bonded with? Ha! Don't lie to me."
Anger made my face burn. Until I thought about how much I loved my family of crawlers. The AI was right. This whole situation sucked but the people who have become my family are the one good thing about it. What are the odds we would have never crossed paths if not for the crawl? "Oh, go fuck yourself," I muttered.
The AI laughed and went back to braiding my hair. The braid around my head in what I recognized from the book as a crown braid. "And done." The AI's expression was satisfied as it looked at me in the mirror. It lowered its head and rubbed its muzzle against my cheek. The fur here was short but soft and a dark chocolate brown.
I liked the softness of the gnoll's fur against my skin. It was soft all over, really. Time to pay the Daddy Tax and damn, did I owe a lot right now. For the first time in weeks, my hair was out of my eyes and the tension I was carrying around because of it could be allotted to some other problem. My face warmed as I turned my head and kissed the AI's muzzle. Its fur was just as soft against my lips. "Thank you," I said.
A purr came from the AI's chest. It sounded less like a house cat purring and more like a big cat, the purr clearly coming from a source much larger than a house cat. The purr vibrated in my chest. Didn't I read once that cats purr at a frequency that encourages healing in bones in humans? Not that I needed it in the dungeon because of the healing potions and spells.
"Does your brain ever turn off?" the System AI asked.
I thought about it before coming to the conclusion, "No." I leanrd back against its chest and said, "Neither does yours, right?"
The AI noded. It rested its chin against the top of my head. I worry about it messing up the braids it just put in and tied up like laurels around my head, but it didn't move. In the mirror I saw its eyes slide closed. The purring didn't stop.
"Do gnolls normally purr?" I asked. I didn't know much about gnolls as a species.
"No." The AI grinned, showing off its fangs, and let its tongue loll out of its mouth.
"But you aren't really a gnoll, are you?"
The AI took a swig of its whiskey. It didn't spill a drop. So the sloppy drunk was for show. Unsurprising. "Give the boy a gold star."
Yeah, I wasn't going to respond to that. The AI was what you'd call a ragebaiter at times. "Can I purr?"
"You're a primal," the AI said. Sometimes it was so flippant and others it seemed to choose its words carefully.
I took that as a yes and for the first time I wondered what exactly about me had changed. The description had said that I'd still look human but thinking of it now, that left a lot of wiggle room. "How do you do it?"
There was another pause before the AI said, "Faith, trust, and pixie dust." It had to be fucking with me.
"Do you ever take anything seriously?"
The AI nipped my neck, its sharp fangs pinching my skin. When it pulled back there was a mark. The AI gave me a hickey like we were teenagers!
I didn't bother to heal it. It was a waste of a healing potion and, I suspected, would only piss off the AI. However, the AI was pissing me off so I held out my hand.
The AI placed the whiskey bottle in my hand. It was just as cool as when it got here.
I took a long pull. I wasn't worried about running out: afterall the booze never stopped in the AI's house. Exactly how often did it drink? "Can you really get drunk?" I asked aloud.
"Why?" The AI looked amused, tongue swiping over its fangs. It gave my shoulders a light squeeze. "Are you going to get me drunk and have your way with me?"
"What? No! I wouldn't do that to you…or anyone else," I said, frowning as the AI's wagging tail slowed to a stop.
"Ah," the AI sighed. It nosed my ear. "I'd let you, Carl, you know that?" Its voice was soft. "I can get drunk if I want to."
I swallowed. The AI had some intense kinks.
The AI slid its hands down my chest, tweaking my nipple rings with its claws. It pressed its furry body to me. "Whenever you want me, I'm yours to ravish. Just ask."
My heart thrashed. "Whenever?" I asked, thinking of the possibilities of exploiting this as a loophole.
The System AI looked me in the eyes. "Whenever," it confirmed. It reached for the whiskey and took a drink over my shoulder.
If my health was in the red and I was out of healing potions, would I be healed? If I needed time to think, this could be a good way to get it. What about when my hands wouldn't stop shaking? Maybe some caution would be advisable…then again, the AI was so deep in my head it probably knew how badly all of this was affecting me.
After all, I had both its seed and its interface in my head. Eh…wait that sounds… oh fuck did it hear me? I glanced up at it, met its white eyes in the mirror.
The System AI looked back at me with its tongue lolling out the side of its mouth. Its pupils were dilated. I smelled the whiskey on its breath. "Feeling better?"
"Uh…" Was I feeling better? No. But my hair was out of my eyes and that was something. "Yeah," I said. "Thanks."
"Ready to get back out there and kill, kill, kill?" the System AI asked me.
What choice did I have? I took a deep breath. "Yes."
"There's Daddy's good boy!" The AI threw its arms around me and nipped my neck again, leaving another hickey.
Just as suddenly as it appeared, the AI left. Thankfully it took Growler Gary's body with it, so I didn't have to have any awkward conversations with either my friends or Growler Gary himself. I still wasn't sure what, if anything, he remembered from the AI's time possessing him.
I sat for a few minutes more, mentally preparing myself to get back to the Crawl. The AI left its whiskey and I sipped from the bottle. I ran my thumb over the label. When the last of the whiskey was gone, I put the bottle in my inventory. Then I stood and put the barstool in my inventory too.
Mordecai saw me first. He saw my crown braid first, nodding approval. Then his eyes dropped to my neck and he saw the hickeys. His expression cycled through confusion, realization, surprise, and then back to confusion as he tried to figure out who was biting me. "Carl, what in the world?"
The hickeys were big and mottled my neck with deep purple and red. That's because a nip from a hyena is no small thing, and gnolls are slightly bigger than earth hyenas; which already have a wicked bite force. I had bloody bruises on either side of my neck and I really didn't have an excuse for why they were there. "Don't you like my new style, Mordecai?" I asked, opting to pretend to misinterpret him.
Mordecai gave me a hard look, but he couldn't make me talk if didn't want to and he knew it. "The braids are nice," he admitted, giving in. "The plus one to your Mind Balance is a nice side effect too."
Huh? I checked my stats. The braids did give me a plus one to Mind Balance. Was that because of the style or because the AI was the one to do it? When my hair came loose again, I'd have to have the AI braid it again. "Oh, yeah. Having a balanced mind doesn't hurt."
Mordecai snorted. "Yeah, and you in particular really need it." His voice was playful and dry at the same time. He really meant it.
"They call you Crazy Carl for a reason," Donut said, jumping on my shoulder. She sniffed my braids and then nosed at one of the bruises on my neck. Her nose tickled. "You smell like the AI. Did it do this to you?"
Mordecai's eyes went wide.
"Goddamnit Donut," I said under my breath.