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Kate Sharma was known for many things. To the court her father worked for she was known as a precocious girl full of questions and ideas. To her family she had been spirited and carefree. Full of competitive pride and and confidence tempered by her youth, she had been a joyful older sister who loved fairy tales and adventure stories, always half dreaming of the future. Then her Appa died.
Kate had quickly become less carefree, less joyful. She grew sterner, fiercer, sharper. Trying to demand respect in a mans world while still nurturing Edwina the way Mary should have been doing. Mary who had collapsed with grief and was as lost to her as Appa. So Kate became the best protector of her family that she could. She trained Edwina in all she knew and hired tutors when she had to. When there was no longer money for that she traded work for knowledge in the houses of wealthy English families who needed someone to care for young children and were more than happy to have Kate borrow from their libraries in lieu of payment. And when her own meager dowry was long gone and she could no longer keep them afloat Kate forced herself to write to Mary’s parents and get them to England. She stole Mary’s wooden keepsake box and found the letters from her friends. She wrote to the one who seemed the best able to help.
Kate had sacrificed everything, begged people who hated her for a dowry for Edwina, begged housing food and clothing from an old English woman who now tried to run her life, and she did it all while pushing her own wants and needs down as far as possible. She was harsher now than she ever had been in India, here in this nest of English vipers. Kate Sharma suffered no fools and tolerated no nonsense. Which is why when Anthony left back from her as a horse broke the trance they had fallen into after her bee stin, she had not allowed him to run. She had already cosseted him through a nervous fit of some kind but she had no patience for whatever was causing him to attempt to flee. So she simply reached out and grabbed the back of his coat, causing him to stumble and cough before turning too face her once more.
“Just where do you think you are going My Lord?”
His eyes were still wide and panicked, but his face began to fall into its usual lines of frustration.
“Inside. I have many things I must do before the garden party my mother is hosting.”
Kate snorted “Ah, to the mysterious work you do. Tell me Lord Bridgerton, is there a magic portal in the bottom of your whiskey glass that will make it so you did not fall apart a moment ago and then brush your nose against my cheek?”
Immediately she watched his defenses go up, much like a provoked dog. His arms went to his hips and he glared at her. We’re he a dog she would have anticipated a growl. “Just what are you implying?”
Kate shrugged at him, a flare of smug satisfaction rising when she saw his frown deepen at the gesture. “Oh merely that if you did that you ought to share it with me. After all, I am going to go explain to Edwina why you wont be proposing just as soon as I get upstairs. Perhaps you want to prevent that.”
I already told you, last night was a lark at best..”
“Does that make today a cardinal? A wren perhaps? Tell me, what sort of bird is the appropriate description for attempting to kiss the sister of the woman you are courting?”
Anthony yanked himself free of the grasp she had shifted to his lapel. She watched him carefully, and just she she suspected his desire to have the last word won out over his desire to flee. “Do you still object to me marrying your sister?”
Kate swallowed Back the bile in her throat “I want whatever will make her happy. Can you do that, My Lord? Be responsible for her happiness? My sister is a romantic who would anticipate a soft loving marriage like her parents had.”
Anthony opened his mouth, then shut it with a click. He stared out to the gardens around them, working that muscle in his jaw as he continued to frown.
“From the way you hesitate it seems that you wish to reconsider that match.”
Suddenly his eyes were locked on her own, wide and dark and as deep as the river back home. He took a step closer to her, nearly back where they were before he strived to run. “Is that what you want? For me to reconsider?”
Kate scoffed, tossing her head to keep herself from blushing. She knew what she wanted, but as always “What I want doesn’t matter, something that must be completely foreign to you.”
He frowned again, but his face was still softer and still staring at her. “I think it matters what you want. And I do know Kate, I know exactly what it is like to give up what you want for others. To tell yourself it doesn’t matter, to push it away. Ever since my father died three feet from here after being stung by a bee I have known it. So don’t you dare tell me it’s foreign to me. It is all I have ever known as a man. I was still a child when it happened.”
Now it was Kate who took a step back. “I am sorry for your loss. And i believe that I understand why you collapsed so. I suppose we should be glad it was me and not someone who would press your honor.”
Anthony stepped back closer and started to speak but she held up a hand and he cut himself off. “However, as tragic as that undoubtably is to live with, you are still forcing others to dance to your tune. You interview every debutante in a humiliating farce that makes them feel lesser and then you tell these star struck girls that you will never love them. You sweep my sister off her feet with careful words and flowers and dances. You bring her to your home where you shower love on your siblings, play games with them and laugh, where you hold the youngest two as you would your own children. Here surrounded by your parents grand love story, and wit her coming from her own parents love, you practically shower those around you with love and affection. Ad then you tell her she will never be anything but a duty to you. You tell er that love is not for her.You invite her to a life of isolation from the very heart of you and expect her to smile.”
Kate was breathing hard now, pointing directly at Anthony’s drooping shoulders and bowed head. When he next spoke his voice was soft, almost wounded.
“Of all people, can you not see why? Your sister speaks endlessly of you, your Owen mother must had drowned in her grief as well. My own did. For years she drowned until when she surfaced she no longer knew me. She hates the man i have become. She was a better mother before all of that. You may call it isolation but it’s protection. I will not allow another person to be so shattered by grief that they become less of a mother, less of a person. Think me as heartless as you like but this is nothing to do with my own wants.”
He sighed then, a deep heaving sound that seemed to make him even more drooping. Then she watched him straighten up and look her in the eye again. He still looked wounded. “You win Kate. Miss Sharma. I will end my courtship with your sister. If she is the kind of romantic who would be crushed by a life with me then it is for the best. I am beginning to wonder if it is a marriage any woman would want.”
He huffed a dry laugh and shrugged one shoulder. “Benedict is young and healthy, and he doesn’t have my deficiencies. He will undoubtably wed in time and I can train up his sons to take my place. I will tell her today, do not worry. Take whatever joy you can from your win in peace.”
He turned to walk from her and she almost let him go this time. Almost let him walk slowly into the house and blow up his entire life based on hee sharp words and shaper attitude. Lad Danbury had been warning her to watch her mouth since she arrived here, perhaps she should have listened.
“Wait! Lord Bridgerton, wait!”
She restrained herself from snatching at his collar again, instead keeping her hands locked together in front of her as Anthony stopped in front of her. Huge spoke without turning. “What is it now Miss Sharma? I must admit as much as i enjoy our sparring I have not to stomach for it at the moment. Give me a day to recover from all my errors being thrown out on the lawn and then I will willingly be your victim once more”
“No sparring, I just have a question for you. Just one, I promise.”
Anthony turned slowly, his eyes guarded, the crease between his brows deep and furrowed. “Very well. How may I be of assistance?”
“What do you want?”
He frowned again, but seemed perplexed. “I..I beg your pardon?”
“You said before that this decision had nothing to do with what you wanted and all to do with trying to to protect your wife. If you agree with me that this is no way to protect a woman the can you tell me what you want?”
He shook his head “To quote a wise woman, it does not matter what I want.”
Kate felt the corner of her mouth turn up at that, even after everything he complimented her. He softened as well, giving a small smile. “I do not believe that to be true. There are many things in life that we want but cannot have. I want my Appa back. I want Newton to be more obedient (Anthony laughed a little at that). I want to be better at the flute I keep having to give up for one reason or another. These things may be impossible but that doesn’t make them not matter. What do you want?”
“I want to live long enough t marry a woman I cared for and not be convince she would collapse. I want to see Hyacinth grow up. I want…”
He trailed off and Kate stepped forward, reaching out to take his hand before she realized the implications of her actions. She was bubbling over with all the secret desires she had pushed down since she first watched a very poor rider chase after her on a grey dawn.
“I want.” Anthony said finally, reaching out a shaking hand to tip her chin up so he could meet her eyes. “You. I..You terrify me. You make me want things. If I really was the kind of man who got what he wanted I would marry you.”
“Do you wonder what I want?” Kate knew she was whispering, but she couldnt help it. His eyes were liquid and dark, she could feel herself sinking into them. He nodded, a small tremulous motion as his eyes searched her own. “I want to be allowed to tell you how much I love you.”
Anthony let out a hard breath and slanted this lips against hers own. His arms were wrapped tightly around her waist as she linked her own arms behind his neck. When they finally broke apart both of their cheeks were damp with tears.
“I am going to break off my courtship with your sister.”
“I should hope so”
“ I am going to dance with you, bring you flowers, promenade with you and that beastly monstrosity you call a pet through all of Hyde park.”
They were both laughing, hands gripping each others. Anthony leaned forward and they had one more whispered exchange before kissing once more.
“I am going to marry you”
“Yes”