Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Penelope only barely arrived at the little bistro on time. She was still in her work wear, a little gray blazer and matching knee length pencil skirt with a yellow blouse underneath. Adjusting the red claw clip that held up her mess of black curls, she checked her ass in the restaurant's tinted front window's reflection.

"I need to start doing squats or something…" She mumbled, stepping closer to the glass and wiggling in her too tight skirt to see if the stiff fabric would pick her posterior up for her.

So close to the glass she could see through the tint and realized she'd fully put her ass in the face of someone mid unlimited salad.

Cheeks turning number two pencil eraser red, Penelope lowered her head in a wordless apology and hurried to open the heavy wooden front door. Passing the maitre d, she spotted her date waiting for her by the bar… except he wasn't what she remembered him being.

Jean Loo was an accountant she'd met waiting in line for a cup of coffee on her way to the office. He had sharp eyes and good features, like the bags under his eyes. There was something about a man in a suit with eye bags that just did it for her. He ever so kindly pointed out the toilet paper stuck to her shoe and stepped on it to free her.

Was he a knight in shining armor or what? Seriously, it was straight out of a big budget golden age Hollywood black and white musical! Except everything was in color… and no one was singing. Maybe it was more like a Netflix original. Or… at least a Hallmark cult classic?

No! Now wasn't the time to figure out what kind of movie she was living! Now was the time to be wondering who the hell was standing in front of her. Sure, he looked like the tired accountant from the coffee shop, except now he was wearing a tacky gold track suit and a ball-cap on backwards.

"Jean Loo?" She asked, praying he had an evil twin who frequented mid-tier Italian bistros.

"Oui! It is Jean Loo. In the flesh!"

Penelope didn't know what to do. As if showing up in sweats to a nicer restaurant wasn't bad enough, now he was talking in the third person. The need to be polite won out and Penelope put on her most convincing smile, which wasn't convincing at all.

"You look so… shiny."

"That's it! Jean Loo catches the light and then he catches your eye. Once he has your attention, his sick beats will capture your heart."

"Sick beats?"

Suddenly, Penelope wasn't embarrassed about checking her ass out in front of a bunch of people anymore. The memories were replaced by a new shame, a low she'd never experienced before. Which was saying something.

There, unprompted, at full volume, Jean Loo started free rapping about toilets.

"He moonlights as a toilet themed rapper," Penelope sobbed into her chocolate martini, "And that wasn't the worst part."

"It gets worse?" Beverly giggled through the question, mixing away behind the bar.

"I can't imagine how," Maggie said, scanning the menu for the fourth time that evening, "Or maybe I can. I just need a few more clues..."

"Should we take bets?" Dolly teased, setting a small notepad down beside her glass of wine.

"He talked in third person in a fake french accent," Penelope gasped in horror.

"How do you know it was fake?" Dolly asked.

"Because french accents aren't real outside of the movies," Penelope shouted, shoving her empty glass back to Beverly for a refill, "He seemed so normal at Kopi's but when he was off duty he was disgusting!"

"I definitely wouldn't have guessed that first," Maggie nodded her head, "Wait- Did you say french accents aren't real-"

"Nobody's perfect, hon," Beverly said, topping off their drinks.

"Unlike my Dirkie," Harper made herself known, taking a long sip from her blue Hawaii.

The others girls watched her. As their eyes narrowed, her slurping got louder until her glass was just ice, straw, and pink paper toothpick umbrella. Still she sipped the gargling air. She sipped and sipped until her face changed color. Then she slammed her glass down, gasping for dear life.

"Fuck! You're right! I need to get him to break up with me!"

"Or you could break up with him," Dolly giggled, swirling the wine in her glass.

"I could never break up with Dirkie-Poo. I love him too much."

"If you loved him you'd let him go~"

"Can we get back to me and my problems?" Penelope groaned, signaling for Beverly to keep 'em coming. "I'm the one who called this emergency meeting."

"Please," Harper sighed, polishing off Dolly's wine.

"Hey!"

"Maybe it's finally time you take a break from dating," Maggie said, "You've got a bunch of unfinished creative projects collecting dust in your apartment. Why not pick one of those up again?"

"And admit defeat!? No way!" Penelope slurred. "This is the year I get married and no one is going to stop me. Do you know how many peepo there are in this city? One of them has to be my soul mate!"

"She's drunk," Dolly said.

"What are you looking for?" Harper asked, "Like, if I had to describe my soul mate, I'd say he was tall with dark hair and a handsome face with deep seeded mommy issues and-"

"Dirk isn't your soul mate," Beverly said.

Harper's head fell onto the bar in defeat, "You're right."

"My dream guy?" Penelope mused, her thoughts getting fuzzy, "It doesn't have to be a guy. But if I had to pick… Yeah. I'd want someone with huge arms."

"Hell yeah! I'll drink to that!" Harper laughed, taking a shot.

"Anything else?" Dolly asked, giggling.

"No. That's about it. Someone with huge buff AF arms who can bench me and break me in half but is like too kind to ever do that unless I ask them and even when I ask them they're like baby you wouldn't survive and I'd be on my knees weeping and begging for it and they'd be like okay, I warned you and then I would just get absolutely obliterated I mean boom- extinction, the kinda shit the whole city knows about the next day because it brought down buildings-"

"She's wasted," Harper said, "I need to catch up. Dirkie's always nicer to me when I'm drunk."

"We'll unpack that next time. I'll take her home," Maggie stood up, "Text me a picture of the bill later."

"I've got you," Dolly put her card down, "You girls should put love aside for a while and focus on literally anything else. I'm serious. After Harper finally breaks up with Dirk, I want a whole week where we don't talk about love once."

"I couldn't agree more." Maggie slipped her arm around her friend's, "Come on, Pen. I'm taking you home."

Penelope swooned, "Is this it? Are we finally falling in love?"

"Definitely not."

"Boo. You're no fun."

"With the information present, I would absolutely kill you if we dated. Come on. I'll take a video of the wind running through your hair when the train arrives."

"Hell yeah!" Penelope was suddenly perfectly fine to run around.

The girls bid each other goodnight, Penelope practically on Maggie's leash. It helped they were neighbors so when Penelope did get trashed, her savior didn't have to go out of her way to see her home.

"You know who's got good arms," Penelope said as they rode the train, "My hot neighbor. The blonde guy who lives downstairs?"

"I thought you said he had a girlfriend. That gaudy woman who's always leaving his apartment in the middle of the night."

"Shit. Maybe she's just like his roommate?"

"As far as I know, he doesn't have one. You shouldn't date in your building. If you break up, it'll make it super awkward."

"How did you get to be so wise?"

"I learn my lessons the first time. I also solve a morning sudoku with my coffee."

"How come you're not dating anybody?"

"Because I'm a PI. I like to role play I was jilted by a lover when I stare out the blinds. One day a woman cloaked in black and mystery is going to come into my life and I'll sleuth out her darkest secrets. Until then, I'm off the market."

"That's the coolest thing I've ever heard."

"I know. This is our stop."

As they walked through the busy late night streets, a gaudy woman with her near white hair stacked high up on her head in curls in a silver gown stepped out of their apartment building. She held the door open for them.

"Good evening, ladies." She said.

"That's her," Penelope whispered when they were inside, "The woman dating the hot neighbor."

Maggie squinted in disbelief, "Pen, are you serious?"

"She's gorgeous. I don't think I stand a chance."

"You were talking about Mr. Wick?"

"Is that his name?"

"Penelope, Jon Wick does drag."

"What!? How do you know!?"

"I make it my business to know. Also, he's good for a chat. He knows everyone in the building's business."

"So that means he might be single!?"

"Penelope. Focus."

"You're right. I've got more dates lined up tomorrow. I need to get my beauty rest."

"More dates!? You can't be serious!?"

Their conversation came to a stark halt when they reached the staircase. One of the reasons their rent was so affordable was because the building didn't have an elevator. But on nights like tonight, an elevator would have been worth an extra couple hundred.

Penelope rolled her sleeves up and braced the railing for dear life, "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any - Alice Walker. We can do this."

"I'm not inspired enough for this. Got another one?"

"Do or do not. There is no try. - Yoda."

Maggie laughed at that, getting up the first step, "One more."

"Just do it. - Nike."

And so began their daily hike up the stairs. Maggie dropped off first, living on the third floor. Penelope pushed herself hard, making it all the way to the fifth. They waved at each other in the stairwell before heading into their rooms for the night.

The first thing Penelope did, other than knock a stack of unread books over, was stick her head in the sink and chug water in a vain attempt at stalling her impending hang over. Then she washed her face before grabbing some ice cream from the fridge and putting on a Meg Ryan movie.

Opening her window, she sat out on the fire escape, eating scoop after scoop. In the apartment across the street, she could hear someone practicing playing the saxophone. The sound of the music and wind relaxed her. Looking out into the yellow lights of surrounding apartments, she peeked in on the lives of strangers. They were families and bachelors and single women just like her. Some of them were filled with friends having parties, others had curious pets peeking out. Every one of those lights had a life outside of her. But which one was she meant to meet? When was she going to do more than just observe?

A cab horn went blaring off, drawing her attention.

"I'M WALKIN' HERE!" A man shouted, huffing out of the street.

"PRICK!" The cabbie shouted, driving away.

Penelope didn't get too good a look at the man but she did notice he had great arms. Giggling to herself, she hopped off the window sill. Kicking the bad loose sketches from her couch, she made herself comfortable while she finished her movie. Setting the ice cream down, she whittled away at an eraser with a carving tool. When it was done, she pulled an ink pad out from under her couch she kept stuffed between her couch cushions for easy access. Sticking the eraser in, she grabbed one of the wrinkled old sketches and laid it out, pressing the eraser down.

The mark left behind said PRICK. Penelope laughed, setting her work aside. Without cleaning any of it up, she finished the movie and got ready for bed.

Breakfast.

"Hey! Thank you for meeting me today. You look nice," Penelope said.

A beautiful woman with bright pink hair in a fluffy cropped jacket smiled anxiously at Penelope. Her name was Skylar, and they'd met the other day in the dog park. She was walking her friend's pet while Penelope was people watching and they got to talking. Conversation was easy enough. They were both pretty chatty and decided to meet up that weekend for a cute breakfast date. She seemed really excited about it at the time but now…

"What is it?" Penelope asked, immediately looking down to make sure she didn't forget to put on pants.

"I'm sorry. You seem really sweet but uh well… I'm just not into girls with glasses."

"But… You wear glasses."

"We can't both wear glasses. You understand, right?"

"Not really."

"Thank you for being so understanding. I would have just texted you to cancel but the number you gave me was wrong. I figured I should at least decline our date in person instead of standing you up. See ya."

Skylar was dashing off before Penelope could get another word out. Taking her planner out of her bag, she scratched their scribbled plans out in red ink.

"That's okay. I just have more time to prep for my next date. Coffee… I guess I'll eat before I go."

Coffee.

Chance was a super nice guy who volunteered at the children's hospital on the weekends. Since Penelope worked in specialty stationary, she helped him get some custom things printed for his G&G games. One thing lead to another and they ended up playing a "quick" round together. She asked him to play again sometime, maybe over coffee. He agreed wholeheartedly.

Not to mention… He had very nice arms.

However, upon arrival, it was clear he thought this was just a gaming session.

"No, I meant this as a date."

"Oh wow, jeez. I'm not sure… I know," Chance pulled a dice from his pocket and rolled it, "What's your charisma modifier?"

"I don't know?"

"Then we can do best two out of three. If I roll over ten at least twice, we can go on the date."

"I mean, I guess."

His first roll was a critical failure. As was the second. Penelope just stared down at the dice. Weirdly enough, this wasn't the first time she'd been dumped using board game pieces.

"I'm real sorry, Penelope," Chance said, and he looked like he meant it.

"If I had a nickel for every time I was doomed by a puppet, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. - Dr. Doofenshmirtz."

"… Okay? Um, did you still want to play or…"

"Yeah, why not. I was a cleric last time, so this time…"

Lunch.

"Hi Shelley! Sorry, I'm late. I was in this cave with this gnome and it was a whole thing," Penelope called out, running through the park to where her date was waiting for her.

She'd met Shelley while pretending to be into jogging. Penelope thought one morning she could literally out run her problems. In the end, she took a stroll for about twenty minutes before giving up and buying herself a sweet treat. Shelley's strong arms caught her attention while she was attempting to jog and they were enough to convince her to pretend to be fit.

"No worries," Shelley said, coming back up from a stretch, "It was only forty minutes."

"Forty minutes!? What!?" Penelope looked down at her watch, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!"

"No! It's totally fine, really! It's my fault anyway!"

"H-How? You were here on time?"

"I should have lied and said I was late too so you wouldn't feel bad."

Penelope blinked up at this strange, very sexy woman- and then her worries went away. Seriously, there was nothing a good set of arms couldn't make her forget.

"Shall we get our jog on?" Shelley asked.

Penelope shed a single tear. Right. They were supposed to exercise before their picnic. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad…

Sunset.

Penelope wandered around after another failed first date wondering how she should spend her evening. Should she call the girls again? But they were sick of hearing her talk about wanting to be in a relationship. Did she really have the guts to call them out to hear her whine about the exact same thing less than twenty four hours later?

"Maybe Maggie wants to watch a movie…" She sighed, passing a construction site, "Ugh, but she doesn't like romances…"

"No, trust me, you're gonna love it," someone said in an alleyway nearby.

"No, I'm not," someone else said.

"Grippy socks."

"You're a fucking idiot."

"What about that guy you were seeing? The one who comes around the piano bar. Gimme the news. You used my dating tricks to get his number right?"

"Not this shit again…"

Dating tricks? Penelope stopped and hid behind the corner of the building, peeking out. She saw a short, rodent-like man wearing a stained button up and his long hair in a rat tail. He had big round eyes and his fingers were twitching. He clearly wanted to strangle the other man.

The other man…

"Wowzers," Penelope mumbled to herself.

The other man was gorgeous. It was like he came straight out of her hunk of the month calendar from a few years ago. Shit, maybe he did. He was wearing a ratty shirt and well-worn jeans that hugged his perfect ass. Her eyes dragged up his body, stopping at the triangle of exposed hairy chest beneath his hazard vest. His tanned skin glistened from a long day's sweat. Following the line of his collar bone, she poured over his broad shoulders then down to his bulging biceps. She had to squint. Forcing her focus up to his face, she went blind. He was as hot as the sun. He ran a hand through his jet black hair, scratching his square stubbled jaw.

"You didn't!? Well, it's no wonder you're not doing any entertaining tonight! Vaughn, my guy, you need to sit down for my dating seminar and-"

He looked up, locking eyes with Penelope. And she fainted.

"Ey. Toots. Wake up, hey. We can't have another law suit."

Penelope opened her eyes to the silhouette of a Greek God. No wait, he sounded Italian. Did Italians have Gods? She tried to remember. Apollo and Adonis were Greek in origin, despite being cool in Rome. Who was she thinking of? Mars was war and wasn't he Venus' lover? Would that make Penelope Venus? She liked the thought of that. What was she thinking?

"Her eyes are open!" The hot guy shouted.

"Move, before you accidentally break her," the shorter man said, coming into view and helping her sit up.

Shoot. He had big arms too. This shit-show Saturday night was turning around fast.

"How long was I out?" Penelope asked, holding her head.

"Less than a minute," the man holding her said. "You alright?"

"And are we legally responsible in any way?" Hottie McHotStuff asked.

"Honestly, I don't know. I just suddenly blacked out."

"We need to get you to a hospital."

"Wait!" Penelope jumped back onto her feet and nearly fainted again.

"Easy tiger, no need to rush," the hot stranger said, taking her by the arm to steady her.

Penelope heard wedding bells… Actually, there was just a church on the next block. Penelope slapped herself hard and put on her game face. He was right! She was rushing into things! She had bigger plans for this guy than going on another flop date with him!

"I heard you talking while I was walking by and I overheard you saying something about dating tips- a seminar!?"

"Christ…" The shorter man rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile the hunk of the month's eyes widened and he beamed, "YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT MY BEST SELLING WORKSHOP!?"

"YES!"

"It's a workshop… about lovin'."

Stars filled Penelope's eyes, "Tell me more!"

"I'll make this easy for you. I get off in about an hour. You know the pool hall on Baker?"

"I think so."

"It's right next to the chicken place that used to be a laundromat. Vaughn's got a gig there tonight, so I'm gonna be there. You come too and I'll fix up your romantic affairs. No paperwork or nothing."

"You mean it!?"

"Hey, it's not a gig!" Vaughn shouted, tugging tall, buff, and hung away.

"I'll be there for sure!" Penelope said, before quickly throwing her hand out, "I'm Penelope, by the way!"

As the other man was being dragged away back onto the construction site, he shouted, "Name's Tony! I'll see you tonight!"

Penelope walked the block of the pool bar over and over again. What if Tony was just playing her? What if this was the wrong bar? If she went in and waited by herself for an hour, people would start to look at her funny. They'd take pity on her. Word would get around and somehow it would get out that she'd been on a montage of bad dates with nothing to show for it. Just what was she supposed to-

"Vaughn, you're not hearing me-"

"Will you shut up already!?"

Penelope darted into the bar and threw her ass onto a stool, slamming her card down on the wooden bar top.

"Vodka soda! With lime- Skip the lime! We don't have time!"

As soon as her glass was in front of her she downed half of it in one violent swig. Then she freed a notepad from her bag and slammed it down, opening to a random page that already had writing on it. She pretended to write something down, looking up and instantly locking eyes with Tony. She smiled and waved to him, closing her notebook.

"Hey! You made it. What are ya drinking?" Tony asked, taking the seat beside her.

"Oh this? Just getting some work done. I only just got here."

Tony blinked at her and Penelope tried to cover her embarrassment with a pretty sip of her drink. Holy shit, this drink was sharp. She felt like crying when she swallowed.

"You like beer?" Tony asked.

Not even a little. "Heck yeah."

"Two beers."

The bartender set their drinks down and got back to work tending the crowds. Penelope watched closely as Tony's fist closed around the big glass. Raising it to his lips, he was a little sweaty from a long day's work. He didn't smell great but in that kind of good smelling way. He chugged it, a droplet escaping his lips and running down his chin. His adam's apple bobbed as he gulped. Watching him, she was probably feeling what Pope Julius II felt when he saw the completed Sistine Chapel for the first time.

"Nothing beats a cold one after a long day's work. Am I right or am I right?" He exclaimed with a wide smile.

Penelope took a sip of her beer and swallowed it fast enough that she didn't really taste it, "You're so right. Um, where's Vaughn."

"Backstage. They let the locals play here sometimes and Vaughn's pretty much got a slot whenever he wants one."

"He's in a band?"

"Nah. You'll see. Show starts soon, so let's get on this first session out of the way before it gets rowdy in here."

"Sure," Penelope said, clicking her pen and re-opening her notebook.

"You're gonna have to give it your all if you wanna date somebody successfully. A good job is never done. Unless it's done-zo."

"Wow! Who said that?" Penelope feverishly wrote that down.

"Me."

"I'm learning so much. Go on."

"First thing's first: In a courtship as on a job site, you wanna look busy. You don't gotta be doin' nothin' you just gotta look it."

"That shouldn't be hard. I'm busy by nature."

"Lesson number two- Did you just jot down lesson number two?"

Penelope nodded, writing down Did you just ask.

"Wow. Commitment. I like it. Okay, it's what's on the outside that counts."

"I freaking knew it!"

"Yeah?"

"My friends are always telling me it's better to be myself but being myself hasn't gotten me anywhere… I've got a theory."

"Go on."

"People are gonna be people. You can't control that. But you know what you can control? Having a perfect ass."

Tony nodded so hard it looked like his head was about to roll off his shoulders, "Yes! Exactly! Holy smokes! It's like- I'm always sayin' that! You can't control what other people end up doing! So why try with them in the first place!?"

"Would you… rate my ass?" Penelope pushed her pointed fingers together bashfully.

"Yeah. Then you can rate mine, so it's feminist or whatever."

Penelope hopped onto her feet and the world shifted on its axis. Oop. The drinks were starting to hit. Spinning around, she jutted out her hip in an attempt to look hotter. She felt stupid. The evil bitter tasting beer hummed a seductive melody in her ear. Wanna not feel stupid? Get to sipping.

"I should have done more squats," she frowned, straightening up and looking back at her would-be tutor.

He was fully leaning forward and staring with his hand under his chin. She blushed when his eyes flitted up to hers.

"You have got a great ass."

"R-Really!?"

"Not that there's such thing as a bad ass. I mean, there are bad-asses. I'm a bad ass, you know, and an ass man so a butt's a butt. But yours ain't half bad."

"Gee, thank you!"

"Yeah," Tony stood up and turned around, bending forward over his bar stool, "Now rate mine."

Penelope's eyes started at his bulging traps, made more prominent when his scapular pulled together. Following that line, she paused at the small of his back, his stained t-shirt riding up to reveal a sliver of tanned skin. Hopping over his brown leather belt, she finally made it to his ass. There might not be bad asses. But there are better asses. And then there are asses like Tony's.

"y = -(sin(x^(1.7/6)+4)+(1/x))+10."

"What?" Tony looked back.

Penelope fainted again. Tony only barely caught her this time. He pat her face repeatedly.

"Hey. Wake up. I don't have my wallet on me. Wake up."

Penelope's eyes fluttered open and she looked up dreamily at him, "Mr. June~"

"You anemic or something? You pass out a lot."

Tony helped Penelope back into her seat and ordered her a water. They sat in silence and while the bar slowly filled with regulars. After too long, Penelope set her water cup down.

"I don't normally pass out this much. You're just really hot so my brain short circuits. Once I get used to looking at you, it should stop."

Tony perked up, "So if I ripped my top off, you'd have a stroke?"

"Probably."

Tony threw his head back, laughing, "Hey! You're alright, Penelope. Cheers."

Clinking their glasses together, Tony finished the last of his beer before ordering another round. Penelope took a big swig of her own and her body buzzed with excitement. That was when the lights around them dimmed.

"Alright, show's starting. We'll end the lesson here for now."

"Thank you! That was really informative. When should we-"

"Get your stuff," Tony commanded, picking up the two new beers, "We gotta get closer to the stage."

Downing her beer and nearly puking it up, she shoved her papers back into her bag. Tony's hulking frame pushed easily through the crowds. Penelope, being a whole head shorter, had much more trouble.

"E-Excuse me! S-Sorry- Could you just-"

"Pen." She heard Tony say, "Where'd ya- Ah."

Without a second thought, his hand came down like a crane fishing for a toy and he plucked her from the crowds, tucking her under his arm like a football. He carried her to the front with him, setting her down and handing her one of the beers he carried in one hand. She gawked up at him.

"You're strong!"

"No doy? I work in construction. You should see Vaughn. He can pick up a car."

"A what-"

The crowds went wild as a short rodent-like man wearing sunglasses and carrying a saxophone stepped onto the stage. Penelope recognized him right away while Tony started hooting, pumping his fist into the air.

Approaching the mic, he said only two words before laying on the horn.

"Shut it."

"Wow! Vaughn was amazing!" Penelope cheered, spinning out of the bar.

"Don't walk about me like I'm not here," the rat man said, instrument case in hand.

"And you've got big strong arms! Maybe we should go out!"

"You takin' Tony's course?"

" Uh huh."

"Then fuck no."

"What!?"

"Tony's an idiot. And you're an idiot for listening to him."

Tony stumbled out after them, grinning ear to ear with flushed cheeked, "Wassup hot people!"

"And for covering his tab…" Vaughn frowned.

"It was the least I could do. He gave me so much good advice!" Penelope sparkled, also visibly drunk.

"Alright, I'm takin' this idiot home. Are you gonna be okay? It is getting pretty late," Vaughn said, steadying his much taller friend.

"Vaughn, let's sleep at yours tonight. I don't wanna go home." Tony pouted cutely, nuzzling his face into the greasy top of Vaughn's head.

"Fine, just stop doing that!"

"Tony," Penelope said, just as they were about to go their separate ways, "W-When can I see you again- I mean, for the lessons."

"Shoot, yeah," Tony swayed, taking his phone out and passing it to her, "Put your stuff in there and I'll call you."

"O-Okay!" Penelope hurriedly put her info in, double checking she put all the right numbers this time.

"Cool. Thanks again for the beers. You're alright."

"Thank you for talking."

"Thank you for listening."

"Thank you for giving me a chance."

"Thank you for-"

"Shut the fuck up!" Vaughn shouted, "Next time, I'll be the one getting carried home. You owe me, pretty boy."

"I'll pay you back with my gorgeous bod and massive schlong."

"Dick head…"

They all started walking in the same direction toward the subway. It was a little weird, but hey, they lived in the same direction. When the got on the same train, same thing. No big deal. When they got off at the same stop, Vaughn and Penelope stared at each other a moment.

"Where you live?"

"Penbrook Heights," Penelope said, "You?"

"Remy Apartments."

"That's like across… a block away from each other."

"I hate my life."

"Nah," Tony interjected, practically being carried by Vaughn, "This is perfect! That way Pen didn't gotta walk alone."

"Don't go actin' charming now. Penelope, don't get too comfortable with this mook. Get your bad dating advice and quit before you get stuck with him like me."

"You are so mean to me," Tony whimpered.

"Guess I'll see you around," Penelope waved, walking into her own building.

Her good vibe came to a crashing halt when she locked eyes with her stairwell.

"A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week. - George S. Patton."

Taking a deep breath, Penelope drunkenly brought her bag to her chest, got up on her toes, and charged up the stairs. She made it up about a flight and a half when her body gave up. She gripped the railing and painfully caught her breath. That was when she heard a door open a little ways further up. She dragged herself up to the landing to see who it was.

It was Mr. Wick, formerly known as the hot blonde neighbor now dubbed the hot blonde neighbor who loves gossip and does drag. He was wear a black silk set of pajamas with his hair clipped out of his long, angular face. The corners of his mouth were curled up like the ends of his long, luscious hair.

"Those men you were with just now, how do you know them?"

"Tony and Vaughn? I only just met them today," Penelope panted, still catching her breath.

"Will you be seeing them again?"

"Most likely."

"Good evening, Penelope," Mr. Wick said politely, slipping behind his apartment door.

Blinking a little dumbly to herself, Penelope continued on her long quest up the stairs to her apartment, stopping when she passed by Maggie's. Knocking on the door, it wasn't long before her friend answered.

"I knew it was you. Come to talk about your dates?"

"Actually no! They were all a wash, but that doesn't matter now. I met this guy-"

"Is he hot!?" Harper shouted from deeper inside the apartment.

"Harper's here?"

"She wants me to investigate Dirkie and find proof he's cheating on her."

"Oh."

"I've had the evidence for a while. I was just waiting for her to ask for it."

"Oh."

"You coming in?"

Looking back at the stairs, she let herself into her friend's place and joined Harper on the couch. Harper held out an open bottle of wine to her and she took a sip before watching Harper glug it down.

"So, who this hottie? Is he hot? Do you have a date?"

"Not exactly," Penelope said, "He's a love life coach-"

"That is so suspicious," Maggie said, taking a seat across from them.

"It's not suspicious! He's legit!"

"Like that older woman with the pyramid scheme?"

Penelope slumped forward, "I have a weakness for beautiful older women. Can you really blame me?"

"A love life coach? Do you think he can help me and Dirkie?" Harper asked.

"No one can help you and Dirkie," Maggie said.

Harper flopped onto her side, "Ugh. You're right."

"His name is Tony. He's really nice and really buff. We went to this bar to see his friend- Hold on," Penelope's phone buzzed, "It's him! He actually texted me!?"

"Oh, he even texts hot," Harper said.

"What does that even mean?" Maggie side eyed her.

"If you don't get it, I'm not gonna explain."

Penelope wrote back that she was good and riddled it with emojis to make it seem casual. He texted back a squid. Did he like those or was that a miss-click?

"You sure he's not suspicious?" Maggie asked, "What's the squid supposed to mean?"

"That he's a sucker for you, of course!" Harper screamed, "Let's go on a double date!"

"We're not dating," Penelope insisted, "He's my teacher."

"Hot."

"Let us meet him," Maggie said, "I'll make sure he's not scamming you."

"And I'll decide if he's hotter than my Dirkie! Spoiler alert, there's no way~"

"Introduce you guys to Tony? Uh, I guess that's okay. He's across the street right now, so let me see if he wants to hang out in the morning."

Penelope texted him again but there was no answer. He was probably out cold. Harper got back to forming a game plan with Maggie about how she was going to catch her man in the act while Maggie talked to her about options for moving out of Dirk's place.

Walking over to the window, Penelope opened it and sat on the sill, listening to the sounds of the city. This was going to be her year. She was going to fall in love for sure this time. How could she not? She had an expert on her side.