Chapter Text
“You don't open your heart to others because you're afraid of getting hurt?”
“I don't want to be abandoned.”
“But if you never try, you'll always be alone.”
“…”
“I don't want to think about that.”
…
…
…
“Do you have nightmares?”
“Yes. About Ayanami-san, about Toji-kun, and after I merged with the Eva, my head's been a mess.”
“You merged with the Eva?”
“Are you surprised? I thought you knew everything that happened here.”
“…”
“No, I don't know everything, but that doesn't matter. Is something bothering you?”
“I can't stop thinking about what I saw when the Eva absorbed me.”
“And you were able to come back. You're amazing, Shinji-kun!”
“That's not true. It was… someone helped me come back, I think.”
“Who?”
“Maybe Misato-san. I heard she was there.”
…
“And what's bothering you?”
“I felt like I had seen the Eva before. Before I came to Tokyo-3. And later Ritsuko told me I watched the experiment in which my mother died.”
“Do you remember anything about it?”
“Almost nothing, but… it felt like I heard her back then, inside the Eva. It's strange. What could that mean? Why was my mom… calling me…?”
***
“They all probably hate me.”
“Why would they?” Kaworu's voice carried a trace of slight bewilderment. It reminded Shinji of the childish tone with which he sometimes wondered at certain things. Shinji wasn't sure whether his friend was putting on an act or whether this was genuinely his nature, without any harmless pretense.
“There are so many reasons why…”
“Did they ever tell you that? You're putting your own self‑hatred into their mouths, trying to guess what they think about you from your own subjective position. Why might they have acted aggressively toward you? Maybe it wasn't only about you — or not about you at all, but about them. They're people just like you, but at the same time completely different, remember?” Kaworu, with his hands behind his head, gazed up at the sky.
“A bad day?”
“Yes, a bad day. They're also worried about all sorts of things. In some ways they might have been unfair to you, and in some ways you might have been unfair to them. The latter doesn't mean you hate them.” As a sign of support, Kaworu took Shinji's hand in his and gave their entwined fingers a squeeze. “They love you. I'm sure of it.”
Even before his conversation with Kaworu under the stars, Shinji had caught himself thinking that he wanted to become better. To become better for Kaworu's sake. Now that issue had become even more pressing after Ikari had seen his fear and confusion. Shinji had to become someone Kaworu could lean on, no matter how scary and uncomfortable it was — to become stronger so he could help. Because he wanted to be with Kaworu. He wanted to support him just as his friend had always supported him. Though he didn't quite understand how yet. Several days passed, and nothing like Kaworu's panic on that rainy day happened again. Was it possible that everything really was fine, and he simply shouldn't push, because his weakness had been caused by a painful, mysterious past? Did Shinji truly want answers to these questions?
Ikari decided to do something he hadn't been able to do for quite some time — to visit Asuka.
***
Shinji didn’t like being in the hospital. The strange, muted, almost otherworldly light and the smell of antiseptics stirred up memories he’d rather not revisit.
The room was sterile and quiet. Hardly anyone was left in Tokyo-3. After the Sixteenth Angel’s attack, most of the population had abandoned the city, leaving the streets emptier and lonelier than ever. Only essential personnel remained — and not many at that. It seemed to Shinji that he was only now fully grasping it. He had said he didn’t care that the city was deserted, but that wasn’t quite true.
Somewhere outside, something fell into water with a loud splash; Shinji flinched and shivered. Being alone with a sleeping Asuka made him uncomfortable. There was something fundamentally wrong about the fact that such a bright, loud girl was lying there almost completely motionless. If he listened closely, he could just make out her quiet, steady breathing, and that was a small comfort.
Shinji sat on the chair beside her bed. The heartbeat monitor beeped in a steady rhythm.
"Um..." Shinji had so much he wanted to say, but he didn’t know where to start. "We miss you," he sighed. "I miss you, actually. Without your constant scolding and complaining about me, it's gotten too quiet."
He fell silent, turning his own words over in his mind. It wasn’t that he believed Asuka could hear him — but this was necessary. For Shinji himself.
"So, please... wake up." He bit his lip. This was hard.
"Kaworu is certain the Angels won't attack anymore, and for some reason, I believe him. Stupid, right?" Shinji gave a joyless chuckle. "Maybe it's just what we all want to believe. But... it's possible the Seele leaders and the Seventeenth Angel destroyed each other somehow."
Shinji was afraid of the possibility that the Seventeenth Angel might still be alive. He wanted to believe Kaworu, but Kaworu could be wrong. Ikari had only begun to let himself consider that thought after he’d seen his weakness.
Shinji swung his legs idly. He felt guilty toward Asuka, but he didn’t know how to put an apology into words — not in a way that would make her believe it was sincere, not just a reflex. He would have time to figure it out before she woke up. Shinji wanted to believe it was "when," not "if."
"I found someone who made me want to change. Strange, isn’t it?" he whispered guiltily. "I’m sorry..."
The room sank back into silence.
"Even if we never have to pilot the Evas again... we'll figure something out. I'm sure of it."
Shinji nodded — more to himself — and smiled. He wanted to reach out and touch her shoulder one last time, just to feel that she was real, but he thought she wouldn’t like that. He rose from the chair and left the room.
And yet, he felt a little lighter.
***
Perhaps it was pathetic that a conversation with someone silent against his will had made him feel better — but perhaps it was not a bad start. The next step was to make things right with Misato. But Shinji couldn't stop putting it off. He told himself that Nerv had been too busy lately — so busy that even the sync tests had stopped — and that Misato was surely exhausted; still, sooner or later, Shinji needed to pull himself together.
Now he stood at her door, shifting from foot to foot, regretting that he had come here on impulse without thinking through what he would say. But Kaworu had once mentioned — when Shinji had touched on the subject — that heart-to-heart talks were best done on improvisation. Besides, Ikari was certain that any prepared words would have flown out of his head from nerves anyway.
He pressed the doorbell before he could change his mind. At first, there was no response, but he was sure Misato had to be home, judging by the light in her window. After a long silence — long, perhaps, only in Shinji's mind — the door opened, revealing Misato, who looked dead on her feet, utterly worn out. Her irritated gaze shifted to surprise, but she said nothing.
"Um..." Shinji trailed off, immediately cursing himself for still not having figured out how to start. "I... I came to ask how you are."
Misato frowned but opened the door wider, inviting him in. Shinji shuffled on the doorstep and then finally stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
It was strange — not that much time had passed, yet Shinji already felt like a stranger here. A guest who had decided to check in on an acquaintance, only to leave with a clear conscience a little later. Something clawed at him inside — that vile sense of loneliness, of being unwanted and not belonging in a place he had, until recently, called home.
The apartment was cluttered, just as it had been on his first visit. Beer cans lay on the floor, and a couple of instant-meal wrappers sat in the kitchen.
Misato pulled out a chair and sat down at the table with a deep sigh, resting her elbows on the surface and hiding her face in her hands. Shinji sat down across from her, hands folded in his lap out of old habit.
They were silent. It was impossible to say for how long. Ikari knew he should be the one to begin, but he couldn't force out a single word, looking at the tired, lost woman before him. In the end, Misato started.
"You came back?" Her voice trembled slightly, no matter how she tried to hide it. She didn't meet his eyes.
"Can I...?" Shinji faltered. "Can I?"
Misato gave a joyless chuckle.
"Of course. Any time." Her shoulders shook faintly. "But I'll understand if you don't want to. I failed in my responsibilities. I let you down."
"Why are you blaming yourself?" Shinji couldn't hold back. "I'm the one who ran away! I'm the one who should be apologizing," he added, quieter.
Misato shook her head.
"I acted like a child. I avoided you too, got angry, even though I had no right to." Katsuragi finally looked Shinji in the eye, and he suddenly realized she was crying. "But I really was worried about you, Shin-chan."
"I-I'm sorry." He hurriedly looked away. "I did something awful when I didn't come back, and then I didn't say anything after, either."
"Ah, Shinji." Misato shook her head again. "I'm older. I took responsibility for you, but I was too weak to support you when things were hard. Forgive me... for everything."
Ikari nodded at once. He didn't want to see Misato so broken. He had long stopped being angry with her.
"You feel a little better? I'm glad." Misato smiled through her tears. "I really am."
Shinji nodded again.
"How can I help?" he asked, suddenly alert. "Let me clean up. And I can cook something. Do you have any food left?"
"Nope." Misato folded her arms on the table and rested her head on them. "Nothing but beer and ration packs." She already felt better and was no longer so tense.
Only now did Shinji realize she was a little drunk.
"You came at the right time. I haven't managed to get properly drunk yet," she confirmed his guess. "But ugh, I'm so embarrassed in front of you now."
Shinji began gathering cans into a bag, listening to her fretting.
"So... I can come back?"
"Yes — haven't you figured that out yet, Shin-chan?" She still sounded a little theatrical, but the fact that she was trying at all meant a great deal to Shinji.
"I can't leave Kaworu alone," he murmured uncertainly.
"You can bring him with you," she said lightly.
"You really want me to come back that much?" His heart beat faster.
"What's the matter? If you need to hear it, I do want you back. I'm lonely."
Shinji glanced back at her, burning with embarrassment at her honesty. Misato smirked, and Shinji pouted.
"It doesn't seem like you like him," he said, turning away and continuing to pick up cans from the floor.
"Well, you know." Misato gave a short laugh. "A new pilot, sent directly by the committee, right when Asuka ran off — his file wiped, and born on the day of the Second Impact on top of it."
"The Second Impact?" Shinji flinched, freezing mid-motion, the last can still in his hand. Then he lifted his head. "Kaworu never told me that."
"What did you two talk about, then? Or were you busy with something more interesting than talking?" She winked playfully.
"Misato-san!" Shinji cried, flushing scarlet.
She only laughed, and Shinji noted that they had slipped back into their old dynamic surprisingly quickly — and much of that was thanks to Misato. Still, he scowled.
"Oh, come on, I'm just having fun." Katsuragi wiped her eyes. "But you really do like that guy. The way you look at him..."
"How?" Shinji turned away, embarrassed.
"Adoringly? Lovestruck?" The woman tried to find the right word, nodding to confirm her own statement. She was clearly feeling better, and Shinji hoped it wasn't just the alcohol.
"And you don't mind? I mean — we're both guys. And you don't really like him."
Misato traced a circle on the floor with the toe of her bare foot, thinking.
"What matters is what you feel, Shinji-chan — not what other people think about it." It was something Kaworu had told him before. "And, in the end, he managed to do for you what I couldn't." She smiled a little sadly. "And I'm grateful to him for that. I can see you're doing better."
Shinji felt a surge of warmth in his chest. He wanted to hug Misato, but he wasn't sure it would be appropriate.
"Well, and what about him?" Misato shot him a sly look.
"What?" Shinji asked, uncomprehending.
"Does he like you?" Her lips stretched into a wide grin. "Who else are you going to talk to about your crush but me?"
"He... he said he loves me. No one's ever said that to me before..." Now it was Shinji's turn to hide his face — bright red, he was sure of it — in his hands.
Misato looked a little taken aback but recovered quickly.
"So you're already going out?"
"I'm not sure. I guess you could say that."
"Bring him over and introduce him to me properly." Misato took a cloth from the sink and began wiping the table. She must have really felt guilty if she was helping him clean. "Properly — not like how it went last time."
Shinji hummed something in agreement and went into the living room to gather the empty cans there, leaving the bag of trash by the front door.
"How are things at Nerv, by the way?" he asked awkwardly, returning to the kitchen and reaching for the dirty dishes.
"Nothing makes sense," Misato complained with frustration, waving the cloth she'd just used to dust. "The Mass Production Evas were destroyed by an Angel's A.T. Field — an Angel that appeared and then vanished near the nearest station. How can an Angel just disappear? That's never happened before." She ruffled her hair and sank into a chair, her whole demeanor showing that the topic of the Seventeenth Angel had worn her out over these last few days.
"But the sensors pick up A.T. Fields," Shinji said, frowning thoughtfully as he mechanically kept washing an already clean plate. "Could it be that this Angel can shut off its A.T. Field at will?" It reminded him of the Evas' A.T. Fields.
"We thought of that too. But even then, it doesn't explain why the Angel isn't attacking. And the sensors triggered late, on top of it. Now every staff member is under suspicion. It's impossible to work under these conditions! We're at a dead end!" Misato dropped her head onto the table again with exaggerated despair. Shinji gently took the cloth from her hand, washed it, and began wiping the countertop, unsatisfied with her efforts.
"But there is some good news," she perked up, only to drop her forehead back onto the table. "Probably."
"Probably?" Shinji echoed.
"It's unclear how much we can trust this information," Misato explained. "But nevertheless, it's known that Seele believed this Angel would be the last."
"The Seventeenth?" He froze.
"Yes."
"B-but why?" Shinji didn't want to give himself false hope.
"They say it was written in the prophecy — the Dead Sea Scrolls. But there's no way to verify it now. The Scrolls were destroyed along with Seele."
"Kaworu said that..." he began, and then caught himself. Kaworu believed that the Angel would not appear again. Did he know that through his connection to Seele? In any case, it wasn't right to mention Nagisa's link to Seele in front of Misato without his permission. He was already under suspicion. If Kaworu wanted to, he would tell her himself. If he agreed to move in, that is. Shinji didn't want to think about what would happen if he didn't. He didn't want to have to make that choice again. "K-Kaworu thinks," he continued, "that everything will be okay."
"Your Kaworu is an optimist, I see." Her words dripped with harmless sarcasm. "Of course, I'd like to believe that."
"Why did the tests stop?" Shinji changed the subject. He really was curious. "Not that I want them to start up again..."
"Like I said — Nerv has no time for that right now." Misato stretched, and her joints cracked. "Ah, old age is no fun."
"And... what about my father?" Shinji asked very quietly.
Katsuragi looked at him tensely but managed a smile.
"Commander Ikari is up to his neck in it as well. After the old men of Seele died, chaos broke out. They had control over so many sectors. A lot of that is starting to come to light now. Ordinary mortals like us couldn't even imagine how far their influence reached." Misato scratched her nose with irritation. Was she frustrated at her own ignorance? "And then there's the destruction of the Mass Production Evas, which cost a fortune to build. At this rate, Nerv could lose its funding. The Commander has had to shoulder a lot, and right now he's in negotiations with the UN, trying to convince them that, according to the Dead Sea Scrolls Seele possessed, the Seventeenth Angel will be the last." She smiled nervously. "But since the Scrolls were also destroyed, Nerv has no real proof — and no leverage, now that the top Seele members are dead."
Shinji sat down across from Misato and leaned wearily on the table too.
"So all we can do is hope the Angel really is gone," Misato concluded. "But I wouldn't count on it too heavily."
Shinji gave her a faint smile.
"I should probably go," he said, hoping very much that this wouldn't hurt Misato or sever the bond that was only just beginning to mend. "I'll tell Kaworu you're inviting him."
"Won't you stay just a little longer, Shin-cha-a-n?" she drawled, disappointed.
"No. I have to go, Misato-san. But we'll see each other tomorrow, anyway." Shinji rose from the table and was just about to leave when he was pulled into an embrace. He even let out a small yelp of surprise.
"I missed you..." Misato whispered, squeezing him tight. "Come back, okay?"
When she let him go, a soft smile shone on her face.
"I'll try not to repeat my old mistakes. But please — share with me if something's troubling you. I'll try to help."
Shinji felt tears prick at his eyes and hurriedly looked away.
"I love you."
***
With his thoughts drifting somewhere far away, Shinji found himself outside — Misato had walked him to the door and wished him luck. He walked, eyes fixed on the sky to keep from crying, repeating in his mind over and over: I love you, I love you, I love you. It was hard to draw a breath. Something inside him was straining to break free. It hurt so much, and yet it felt so good. He had trouble putting this feeling into words.
He lowered his head and let the tears fall. Now, on top of everything else, his throat was raw, but the knot tied somewhere in his chest had loosened just a little. He wanted Misato to say it again — to stroke his hair, to hold him tight, so tight.
Shinji wiped his tears away. He didn't want Kaworu to see him like this. Nagisa would surely worry. But he wasn't sure he could hold back the tears when he told Kaworu about how the meeting had gone.
"Shinji-kun? Did something happen?" He heard an anxious voice nearby. It was as if Kaworu had sensed his tears and had come to comfort him. The boy quickly drew closer.
"I'm okay," Shinji said, still sniffling, as Kaworu took his face in both hands and looked into his eyes, ready to do anything to soothe him.
"Did the meeting go badly?" Kaworu asked, disheartened.
"No. The opposite. Everything went too well, actually — that's why I..." Shinji couldn't find the words, but Kaworu understood anyway, pulling him into a calming embrace.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"She asked me to come back."
"That's wonderful! You did so well, finding the strength to talk to her. Now you can finally go home." Kaworu stroked his hair while Shinji pressed his face into his shoulder.
"But that's not all." Ikari had calmed down a little and pulled back, looking into the face across from him. "She invited you, too."
"Me?" Kaworu looked genuinely stunned by the news.
"Yes," Shinji confirmed. "I don't want you to be alone, so... I wanted to ask. Do you want to live with us, Kaworu?"
Nagisa still looked a little overwhelmed, but he nodded.
"If that's what Shinji-kun wants..."
"I asked what you want, Kaworu-kun," Shinji cut him off, meeting his eyes with a determination and defiance far sharper than he actually felt.
His friend faltered.
"I already said I don't mind. Is that not enough?" He tilted his head, smiling disarmingly.
"No," Shinji nodded, still amazed at the courage and insistence that had come from nowhere. "I'd like to hear what you yourself want."
"I want you to be happy." His smile was almost beatific, and Ikari couldn't help himself — he leaned in for a brief kiss on the lips. It felt so strange, as if time had slowed just a little, as if the moment were etching itself into his memory forever.
Shinji pulled back, pressing a hand to his lips, not knowing where to hide his gaze. But in that moment, he had so badly wanted to kiss Kaworu — to kiss his smile. It wasn't that he regretted it now; he just felt terribly, terribly awkward.
"I'll be very happy if you think more about yourself and your own wishes, Kaworu-kun. I don't want you to do something you don't like or don't want, just because it might make me happy."
Shinji glanced sideways and saw a slightly blushing Kaworu bring his fingers to his own lips, tracing their curve lightly, never looking away from him.
"You worry too much over trifles again, but I'll take it to heart, Shinji-kun." He beamed. "Kisses on the lips? The way people show their love for one another. I'm truly happy to receive such a sign of affection from you." He closed his eyes dreamily. "I think living with Katsuragi could be fun, but it seems to me she took a disliking to me and is only agreeing to this for your sake."
"She's reconsidered," Shinji assured him, stepping closer again, pushing past his embarrassment. "She was on edge then, but now she's ready to get to know you all over again."
"That would be wonderful. In that case, I have no reason to refuse. I want to live together with you." Kaworu pressed Shinji's hand to his own chest, and Shinji felt the heart of this perfect, ever-composed boy racing beneath his fingers. "I've never felt anything like this. It's still beating much faster than usual. Shinji-kun must take responsibility," Kaworu sighed, "for making me feel this human."
"Kaworu," he whispered, and leaned in for another kiss, wrapping his arms around Kaworu's neck and feeling his own heart hammer wildly so close to the other's. Kaworu's hands pressed against his chest, and now Nagisa could feel that wild beating, too. His lips were soft and a little dry. Shinji shut his eyes tighter, trying to imprint every instant into his mind.
He pulled back to gasp for air and only then realized he had been holding his breath.
Kaworu was breathing hard, too, his hair slightly mussed. Ikari must not have noticed how he'd made a mess of it.
"Does this count as a confession?" Disheveled Kaworu was even more endearing than usual. Right now, he looked more alive, less illusory.
"Yes," Shinji breathed out, feeling the strength leave his body.
To say it, or not to say it? Maybe it was too soon, or...
"L-let's go out, Kaworu-kun!" He didn't notice how low he'd bowed, arms rigid at his sides.
"There's no need to be so nervous, Shinji-kun. Of course I won't refuse. I did tell you I love you. Should I say it more often, now that we're officially a couple?"
"I don't mind, if you like saying it," Ikari straightened up, flustered. "We should go," he murmured, trying to escape the awkwardness. "It'll be dark soon, and we still have to figure out how to move all the books and the food from the fridge to Misato's. Or... maybe we should go without our things first?"
"May I take your hand?" Kaworu asked.
"Y-you can, of course — why are you asking?" Shinji asked, surprised.
Kaworu smiled and, lacing their fingers together, lifted his eyes to the sky.
***
"Since we're a couple, does that mean we'll always sleep together now?" A sly smile once again lit up his angelically beautiful face.
"We don't have to," Shinji flushed deeply for what felt like the hundredth time that evening.
"But isn't that what couples do?" Kaworu asked innocently. "And also," he narrowed his eyes, preparing to deliver the final crushing blow, "people who love each other have sex."
"S-shut up, please, shut up!" Shinji buried his face in his pillow, hiding from Kaworu, who had quite unexpectedly decided to tease him into an early grave.
Why was he so flustered, right now, of all times? He wasn't a child anymore!
"I mean, that is what couples do, as a rule. But I've heard there are people who feel no need for sex, or no desire to engage in it at all. I count myself among the former, rather, and I'm ready to enter into physical intimacy with you — but if you wish to form a chaste union, I would be perfectly fine with..."
"I'm sleeping on the floor!" he cried, stunned at how high his voice pitched. Shinji had planned to ask about a few serious things, but all of that could wait. Especially when Kaworu seemed so happy.
Those words reminded him of how aroused he'd gotten in the shower because of Nagisa. He preferred not to think about what had happened after. He couldn't shake the feeling that Kaworu knew about it and, seemingly, didn't mind — but that didn't make it any easier. Shinji covered his face with the pillow, hiding his shame from the whole world.
***
He lay on the futon, turned away toward the far wall, trying to calm his emotional turmoil. The day had truly been eventful, and now sleep was pulling at him.
Kaworu had brightened after his confession — if a kiss could truly be called that. These last few days, he'd been quieter than usual, something Shinji had identified as a kind of low spirits, so he was glad that Kaworu seemed to feel better. He just wasn't sure how much more of this teasing he could take. Did Nagisa want them to... make love? Or was this another attempt to satisfy Shinji's wishes? When Kaworu had first confessed to him, Ikari hadn't imagined that being with this boy could be complicated. Yes, it was easier with him than with the others because, for some reason, he accepted Shinji unconditionally — but it was hard to understand what Kaworu was truly hiding behind his smile. Of the things he did for Shinji, which ones did he actually want? No, Ikari didn't think Nagisa had lied to him, but that level of self-sacrifice — that hunger strike, the empty gaze, the way Kaworu had frozen during the Angel's attack — frightened him. Still, this time, Shinji wasn't going to run. Not from the person he was so happy with.
"Shinji," Kaworu whispered, and the boy felt the weight of that gaze, full of feeling on the back of his head, "I love you.[1]"
Oh gods. Shinji was no longer sure he would be able to fall asleep tonight.