Chapter Text
New York is a city that never sleeps.
That’s what Steve loves about it. He never feels alone. It’s a comforting feeling, knowing that when you wake up in the middle of the night, someone out in the city is awake with you too.
He thought once he became successful, the loneliness would subside. Instead, it only got louder.
Wall Street is cutthroat.
Most people might crumble under the pressure. Steve doesn’t, he never has. When things collapse, Steve handles it. Everyone in the office resorts to him. He likes feeling needed at work.
It gives him something to live for.
Robin gives him something to live for too. When all his days start blending together, seeing her resets him. On days he can’t get out of bed, she comes over, cuddles with him and they waste the day away together.
“There’s an exhibit tonight at the gallery. Want to go?” She asks, slotting her leg between his.
They’re under a mess of blankets, tangled up in his bed with the windows open.
“Yeah, okay. We can go” Steve agrees.
Robin tosses the blankets off, jumping out of bed and swinging open the doors to Steve’s closet. She digs through the variety of dress shirts and pants he has accumulated over the years. Working in a high profile office will do that.
“What about this one?” She pulls out a short sleeve button up with a retro floral pattern. It’s perfectly tailored, just like everything in his closet. “You never wear this one”
It ends up tossed onto the bed next to Steve. He loves this shirt, never wears it to the office though. He thinks people would judge him. No one wears weird, eclectic suits. Only dull colors, like navy, or black.
“We have a dress code, Robin. I can’t wear that to the office” He mutters.
A lie. He can wear whatever he wants, just doesn’t want to admit to Robin that he’s too afraid to wear something like that to work.
“Yeah, well— It’s perfect for tonight. C’mon, get up and put it on”
She ushers him out of the bed, unbuttoning the shirt and handing it to him once he has his current one off.
Standing in front of the mirror, he slips it on. He tries to avoid looking at himself, more specifically at his scars.
He buttons it all the way to the top, then looks up. It sits right at his waist. Still fits exactly the same.
“What if we just…” Robin starts, then comes over and undoes a few buttons exposing his chest.
She steps back to admire her work. “Perfect”
He tries to like the adjustments Robin made. They aren’t much, but a few of his scars are peaking through and it makes him shudder.
Seeing them is a reminder.
“I think I’ll keep it buttoned up” He mumbles, avoiding direct eye contact with her.
One glance is all it takes for her to read him completely.
“But it looks so good! You’re so hot, show it off!”
“Makes me uncomfortable” He says under his breath.
Robin steps in front of the mirror, blocking the entirety of his view. She rests her hands on his shoulders, rubbing small circles with her thumb into his collarbone.
“It’s okay to show them, babe”
“I know” Steve frowns. “I just don’t think I can answer any questions, thinking about it all makes me feel like I can’t breathe”
Robin pushes his shaking hands out of the way, finishing up the rest of the buttons for him.
“Okay, buttoned up it is. You still look amazing”
“Thank you,” he whispers.
She finishes out the rest of his look with a pair of pants he didn’t even know he had, and some expensive pair of shoes. Robin likes to spend his money on things he would never buy himself.
Retail therapy is what she calls it. But, since he won’t do it himself, Robin does it for him.
“Still got all my clothes in the guest room?”
“Of course. Haven’t moved a thing” He replies.
Robin smiles, skipping away to the other room. The guest room has practically become Robin’s secondary room. One day she just hauled over a bunch of shit and filled up the closet.
Steve didn’t question it. In fact, he was happy about it.
She comes back, dressed and ready to go.
“Want to stop and get a few drinks beforehand?”
“Yes, definitely”
“Good. I need some liquid courage, Nancy is going to be there tonight”
She giggles, then drags Steve out the front door.
“So I’m playing wingman tonight, huh?” He jokes, then grabs her by the waist and spins her around.
“No!” She protests. “I’m very capable of flirting myself”
Steve shoots her a look as he sets her down, pressing the elevator button.
“Bullshit” He quips back. “Last time you didn’t even talk to her! We just stood awkwardly in the corner while you panicked the whole night”
They both step in the elevator, continuing to rehash the incident.
“Okay, that was because she was talking to some famous director or whatever” Robin waves him off. “You know the type of people that come to these things”
“She only talked to him for like fifteen minutes. I was there, remember?” He raises a brow at her.
“Stop perceiving me Harrington”
Steve rolls his eyes at her as they step out of the elevator. He really shouldn’t be commenting on her flirting abilities, it’s not like he has done any himself recently.
He wants to put himself out there. Robin and his therapist have encouraged it, a lot.
They step outside onto the busy street. Robin keeps rambling while Steve guides them in the right direction to the bar.
One thing about Robin is that she can keep Steve out of his head. Some people might think her constant rambling is annoying. Not Steve, it just keeps the intrusive thoughts at bay.
“My two favorite customers!” Max shouts as they take seats at the bar.
“I’m sure you tell everyone that” Steve replies, a grin spreading across his face.
Max leans across the bar, forearms resting on the counter. She looks around her, checking to see if anyone is listening.
“I’m serious. Half the people in here right now are insufferable”
“Do they at least tip well?” Robin asks, slightly unserious.
“Yes. Why else do you think I work at this nice bar, in a rich neighborhood”
Max pushes two drinks across the counter for them. She has their orders memorized. A vodka soda for Steve, and a vodka cranberry for Robin.
They go down easily.
Max never fails to make a basic drink taste so good. It’s why they’ve coined this place as their favorite. Regardless of how ridiculously expensive everything is.
“C’mon, we’re gonna be late!” Robin says, dropping her empty glass on to the table.
Max is busy with other customers, so he sticks a fifty dollar bill under his empty glass. She’s an aspiring actress, it’s the least he can do.
“Wait—” Steve stops, turning back to the counter. “I can’t leave it on the counter, gotta hand it to her”
Robin sighs, but follows him. She’s become familiar with the routine. Some days it’s worse than others. One time they couldn’t leave the apartment because he was so paranoid someone was following him.
Other days, it’s not as intense. Like now, he’s worried someone’s going to take the money and Max will think they left without paying. Steve will think about it for days, construe it into a narrative that is illogical.
And it’s not even Steve’s fault, these intrusive and all consuming thoughts. Someone did this to him.
It kills her.
No one knows to the extent that she does. He doesn’t trust anyone else, won’t let himself trust anyone else.
Love, or be loved by anyone else.
“Okay, I gave her the money. Ready?” Steve turns to her with a smile.
“Yeah, ready. Hold my hand?”
“Always” He replies, intertwining his fingers with hers.
They head to the gallery, hand in hand, and don’t let go even when they get inside. The lighting is dim, small tables set up in the middle with people gathered at them. A makeshift bar is in the far corner and sign hangs from the ceiling reads the artist's name.
Eddie Munson.
“Is he new?” Steve points at the sign.
“No” Robin shakes her head. “Got popular in Los Angeles and recently moved to New York. He’s just trying to make a name for himself out here”
Steve doesn’t really know much about art, or artists. Robin has worked on educating him over the years. Dragging him along to different shows, bringing him around the gallery.
He just doesn’t get it. Nothing has ever elicited any emotion from him, he’s stared at a million paintings and waited for that feeling that Robin has described.
It’s never come.
“Steve! Robin!” Nancy calls out from across the room.
She waves them over, two glasses of champagne in her hands. There’s a small crowd of people around her. Steve doesn’t recognize any of them.
“I want you both to meet some people” She says, handing them the glasses.
Steve won't drink the champagne, but he'll keep it in his hand all night.
“This is Jonathan, he’s a director” Nancy angles herself towards him. Steve gives him a polite smile and nod.
“And then this is Eddie, the star of tonight’s show” She extends her hand to Eddie’s shoulder.
When Steve directs his gaze away from Jonathan and towards Eddie, he’s not sure what to think.
He’s covered in tattoos, littered in chunky silver jewelry, and long curly hair. Steve can’t look away.
“Don’t flatter him too much. He already has a big enough ego as it is” Jonathan says, laughing.
“Says you” Eddie quips back.
He smiles and sticks his tongue out, revealing a silver tongue piercing. And oh god, Steve can’t look away.
He’s staring, looking Eddie up and down.
The conversation floats around him, he’s completely disconnected.
“Steve” Robin mumbles under her breath, nudging him in the side.
He snaps out of his trance and looks to Robin.
“Huh?”
Everyone is staring at him.
“I just uh— asked what you did for work?” Eddie says, a slight grin on his face.
“Oh, sorry” He shakes his head, trying to regain whatever dignity he has left. “I work on Wall Street”
Eddie’s face scrunches up— in confusion, disgust maybe?
“He’s serious,” Robin confirms.
Steve looks between them.
“Is there something wrong with that?”
“No, not at all” Eddie responds apologetically. “Just not what I was expecting. How do you work with those assholes all day?”
“Probably because he’s their boss,” Robin mutters before Steve can answer.
She’s not saying it to embarrass him, or even make fun of him. It’s an accomplishment. One that Robin likes being known.
Steve on the other hand, not so much.
“Woah” Jonathan cuts in. “You're kinda young for that, right?”
“Uhm, I mean… I guess” Steve shrugs.
“He’s being modest” Robin rolls her eyes at him. “It’s a very big deal”
“Okay Robin, enough” Steve pulls her into his side. “I think Eddie should tell us about his collection”
Eddie checks his watch, then looks at Nancy.
“I think it is about that time anyways” Eddie says, setting down his drink on a nearby table.
“I’d love to talk more afterwards” He says directly to Steve. “It was lovely meeting you”
Then he follows Nancy to the center of the room and she hands him a microphone.
Steve goes to turn their direction, then thinks of Eddie’s drink. Sitting and left unattended. He goes back, takes it in his hand and stands himself next to Robin.
“Gonna drink his glass too?” She whispers jokingly.
The conversations in the room start to filter out, silence settling in as Eddie prepares to speak.
“No” He whispers back even quieter. “Just— what if someone puts something in it while we aren’t looking?”
Right. It could happen. Things like that can happen anywhere. It has happened, to him. He shudders at the memory.
They come in flashes.
Sometimes, he forgets. Then the feeling comes back, the blurriness, the stillness, the heaviness of his body.
“Yeah, good call babe” She nods her head, then places her hand on his back.
Eddie clears his throat once before turning on the microphone and speaking.
“Hi” He starts. “I just want to thank everyone for coming tonight. This collection is very special to me. It’s personal— a journey through healing and acceptance. Revisiting old wounds and patching them up”
He takes a deep breath, pulling the microphone away from his mouth. Eddie turns to Nancy and Robin, extends his hand in their direction.
“And thank you to Nancy, and to Robin, for welcoming me into their space. I hope you all enjoy”
The room erupts with claps. Eddie makes his way back to Steve as the rest of the crowd starts filing through into the back room.
“Hey” Eddie says, positioning himself next to Steve. He looks genuinely happy to be back, to be talking with Steve again.
Steve doesn’t know what to do with that.
“Oh, I uh— was holding your drink for you” He hands back the glass of champagne to Eddie.
Eddie looks at him with confusion.
“I didn’t want anyone to, I don’t know… put something in it” Steve tells him.
“Do you think the people here would do that?”
“Can never be too careful,” Steve replies. He says it with a level of conviction that Eddie’s demeanor shifts.
“No, yeah. For sure”
Robin comes up between them. He hadn’t even realized she stepped away. That’s not good. Steve is always aware of his surroundings, of where Robin is.
“Are we getting the tour from the artist himself?” Robin asks.
“Robin!” Steve snaps. “You didn’t tell me where you went!”
Eddie’s taken aback by the sudden outburst.
“I’m right here, babe” She grabs his hand. A mutual understanding between them.
Steve visibly relaxes with the contact. “Okay, just please tell me next time”
“She only went to talk to Nancy across the room” Eddie points in Nancy’s direction. She’s in view, not far away at all.
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve scoffs. “Anything can happen in that amount of time. Regardless of how close she is to me”
He’s visibly shaking now.
“Just seems a bit outrageous to think that at an event like this”
“Eddie—” Robin begins, but Steve interrupts her.
“No. It’s not. I’ve been to plenty of events like this, and…”
He chokes on his words. The anger was working for him, only until he had to think about it. All of the words stuck in his throat, unable to escape.
When the memories flood back, he panics. Breathing becomes more difficult, his vision becomes blurry.
The room feels smaller, constricting.
“Steve?” It’s Robin’s voice, but sounds muffled and cloudy.
“I’m going to take him to my office,” She says.
“Can I come with you? I want to make sure he’s okay” Eddie asks.
“Alright, fine. Just stay out of my way”
Steve hears the conversation, understands it. Yet, he feels totally disconnected from them. Right now, his body is in control.
Robin wraps one of her arms around his middle, weaving him through the crowd of people.
“Take the glass out of his hand” She orders. Eddie complies, removing it from Steve’s grip. Not a sip taken.
Robin’s office is away from the people, the noise. She sits him into a chair, squatting down in front of him and resting her hands on his thighs.
“You're safe,” She tells him. “You’re with Robin, I’m right here. We are in my office at the gallery. No one is following you. There was nothing in your drink. They aren’t here”
The tension in his body lessens. She’s trained in this, they had a lengthy conversation with his therapist about how to respond.
“Eddie is standing at the door. He’s safe too, definitely a bit ignorant… but safe”
He finally starts feeling connected again, everything slowly recovering, memories and flashbacks fading.
“I’m here, with you” He finally speaks. “Why is Eddie here?”
Robin laughs at that. “He wanted to make sure you were okay”
“Oh, that’s nice,” he says honestly, words still slow and slurred.
“It’s the least I could do” Eddie cuts in. “I was a bit of an asshole”
“You were?”
“Yeah, you don’t remember?”
“No” Steve shakes his head. “Sorry”
Memory gaps. Steve hates them.
“It’ll come back,” Robin reassures him. “Don’t worry”
“I’m sorry… for causing a scene” He takes Robin’s hands and squeezes.
“What did I say about apologizing, hmm?”
“Right” He sits up straighter, finally lets himself look at Eddie for a moment. His eyes are heavy, sad maybe, or guilty. “No apologies”
“You should take that advice too” He says to Eddie. “Don’t feel bad, it’s not anything you did”
“It kinda is,” Eddie falters.
“No, it isn’t. I promise”
Eddie has this look on his face, one Steve doesn’t like. It doesn’t look like the goofy, full face smile Eddie he met not long ago. He wants that version back.
“How about you make it up to me by showing me all of your art?” Steve proposes.
The smile comes back. “I can definitely do that”
“Robin, you’ll stay with us? Right?”
“Yeah, of course”
Eddie leads the way, holding open every door for Steve and asking politely for people to move out of the way.
He doesn’t need any of this.
But, he can’t deny how nice it feels. For someone to care, without needing to know the details.
Eddie goes through each piece, delicately and carefully. He explains the story behind each one, his process, the names. All of it.
Steve finds himself listening, not distracted by the thoughts in his head. For once, it’s quiet.
A large scale painting is next, partially a self portrait. It’s a faded version of Eddie, surrounded by people, all of them out of reach.
Steve gets the feeling.
The one Robin has described countless times.
This painting of Eddie’s elicits actual emotion from him. Understanding, maybe. Or like seeing a reflection.
“This one” Steve blurts out.
“What about it?” Eddie asks.
“I get it”
“So you like it?”
“I love it”
Steve steps closer, admiring the details. He takes in every inch of the painting, wanting to keep it in his memory forever.
“I got the feeling”
“The feeling?”
“Finally!” Robin shouts. She’s full of excitement at the admission.
“I’m completely lost” Eddie lets out a laugh, looking between both Robin and Steve.
“Robin said when I look at a piece of art, I’ll get this feeling” He puts his hand over his chest. “Like, it’s indescribable— but, I’ll know when it happens”
“Oh” Eddie nods his head and smiles. He moves closer to Steve, looking up at the painting with him. “This is the one, huh?”
“Yeah, it’s the one” He finally gets it. Steve turns to Robin, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. He never thought the moment would come. Like maybe he’d just never be able to understand art the way she does.
Robin runs her hand up his arm and squeezes a few times.
“How much?” Steve turns back to Eddie.
“What?” Eddie stops in his tracks, meets eyes with Steve.
“How much?” He points to the painting. “I want to buy it”
“You want to buy it?”
“Yeah?” He looks to Robin for help. “Is that not how this works?”
“No, you can buy it” She nods at him.
“Okay, so then what’s the problem?” He asks, confused.
“Nothing, just—” Eddie pauses for a moment. “Surprised, I guess? That’d you spend all that money, on my painting”
“It’s worth it,” Steve replies. “I love it, so much”
“Thank you, really. That means a lot”
Eddie wraps his arm around Steve’s shoulders.
Electricity courses through his veins at the contact. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, simply because he hasn’t experienced it in so long. Touch from another person that isn’t Robin.
That isn’t trying to hurt him.
He doesn’t move, not even to adjust under Eddie’s arm. Instead, he just remains in place, both hands clasped together in front of him.
“Would you, uhm— want to come back to my place? Let me make you dinner?” Eddie asks.
“Oh” He hesistates, the question unexpected and bold. Steve looks to Robin for reassurance, she subtly nods her head. “Yeah, okay”
He smiles at Eddie. There’s a general anxious feeling in his chest. It’s been so long, he’s not sure what Eddie is expecting.
Conversations? Flirting? Sex?
“You want to get out of here now?”
“Now? What about your show?” Steve gestures to all the artwork around the room.
“Eh” He waves him off. “I don’t really want to talk to these people anyways, just want to talk to you”
“Oh, okay” Steve laughs awkwardly.
“C’mon then, let’s go” Eddie grabs his hand.
“Wait—” Steve stops. Eddie stops with him but doesn’t let go. “Robin, text me when you get home, and you have my location, right?”
“Yes, yes. Now go, have fun!”
“Okay, yeah, I’m going. We’re going”
He gets a rush of adrenaline as Eddie leads him out of the gallery and onto the street.
Let go, live in the moment. Robin and his therapist have repeated to him over, and over again. Steve is trying. He’s trying very hard to move forward, not let things get in the way of this adventure.
To let himself feel for once.