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The artificial sunlight glimmered through the window bathing Grace in an ethereal glow only he seemed to have. At least he did to Simon, Grace always seemed to glow to Simon. Through his smiles, or the flush on his cheeks when he would ramble for too long. It was one of the million endearing things about the teacher. His hair was still tussled from waking up, glasses half off his face. The gentle melody of his voice was filling the air, mixing in with the sounds of the artificial ocean. Grace was gently running a hand over the small leaves of Simon's plant taking stock of them in only the way he could.
He was an angel to Simon.
Always had been since the day he pulled him out of that retched sub.
And now that angel was rambling about his students.
"Oh! And Pluto is really coming out of their shell recently! They were one of the quietest in class and now they're a star student! They have a real knack for math, better than me for sure."
Grace picked up the small watering can from by the window sill, giving the plants just the right amount.
"You know, I think the pebbles would love to meet you. They would definitely love to hear about these plants, we're just about to start talking about photosynthesis which I think is a lot easier to do with an actual example … Si?"
Simon focused back into reality at his name tumbling from Grace's soft lips.
"Yeah. Sorry. I'll think about it. Don't want to scare 'em."
"You wouldn't scare them," Grace said quickly, "are you feeling okay."
"I'm feeling just fine." Simon replied trying to sound more relaxed than he felt.
"Alrighty, um, if you need we can try to see Adrian or Arm-ando after I get done with class. I shouldn't be too late today."
"I'll be okay, Grace."
"Okay okay, I'll quit my worrying for a bit," Grace teased before walking towards Simon, "besides I have a class to go teach! I'll see you later Si!"
Then he did something Simon wouldn't have expected. He kissed him. A singular kiss planted right on the top of his head, a parting gift as he walked out the door letting it click shut behind him.
The softness of the action lingered with him as he watched Grace walk down to his classroom. A tender warmth radiating from the top of his skull, comforting him down to his bones. Simon hadn't felt this way in an achingly long time.
It scared him.
It scared him to care so much about such a simple action, one that Ryland probably wouldn't remember in 12 hours. The nauseating feeling sank down in Simon's stomach. It had been so casual — so practiced — like they had been this domestic with each other for years. Was this going to be what it was like? Simon the stay-at-home something receiving stray kisses while Grace went out to work? Could Simon live like that?
Simon's brain scattered trying to put everything in a logical order. Somewhere between here and the day before, something between him and Grace had started to fundamentally change. The very base of their connection twisted leaving him struggling to hold on.
They had just kissed for the first time yesterday. A blip of a moment that carried so much weight. Nightmares had clung to the both of them, dreams of blood oceans and crushing hands driving them to each other in the depths of the false night of the biodome. It had happened many times before, the same story always repeating.
The two of them curled into each other's arms. Grace's head tucked into the crook of Simon's neck, his breath causing his hair to slightly move. Simon's hand running up and down the blond's spine drawing small patterns as it went, just the way Grace liked it. The difference came when Grace leaned back to look him in the eyes.
Deep blue stared into a brown and a red eye, full of a look Simon could only describe as wonder. Then lips slotted against his own, and they were the softest thing he had ever felt. In Simon's life he was never owned anything but the promise of death, but now he had the memory of the feeling of heaven on his lips. He tasted of the fruit they had eaten right from the abundant garden they tended and a slight bit of salt from their sea. For a moment Simon thought he must have died and met some generous god who would give a sinner like him this afterlife. Then his brain remembered the angel in his arms — his arms — and returned the kiss.
The world dissipated around the pair. Hands intertwined in hair and clothes desperately holding onto their lifelines. Mumbled sweet nothings and soft gasps of air swam around them, all lost within the sea of the other. Simon could feel himself melting into Grace, losing track of where his body ended and Grace's body started. It was pure. It was divine. For a moment Simon felt clean.
Then as quickly as it started, the two of them parted resting their foreheads against each other as sleep overtook them once again. In the Eridian morning, their sun had shown down onto their bed illuminating the tangle of body parts they had become, innocent of their actions the night before.
An innocents Simon had stolen from Grace. No matter what words Ryland used to describe himself, be it coward, selfish, or a failure at worst, Simon would never see any of it. He had saved the universe despite the sheer terror of being thrown into space. He had come to accept the loss of his life on Earth and rebuilt a new one on Erid. Grace had succeeded in so many ways that he could never have imagined.
And yet he had kissed The Butcher.
The nausea from before tipped over, causing Simon to run from the kitchen to the bathroom retching the breakfast he and Grace shared together back up. The bile burned his throat, strangling him as it came up. A wheezing cough left him as the last of it worked through his system. A deep part of him — with a voice like The Father's — called this atonement. This vile feeling was what he deserved for tainting something with the blood on his hands.
Simon knew this wasn't logical, that after everything he too deserved some peace. Those around him had told him as much. Everyday they made sure Simon knew that he belonged here and he was loved.
That's the real reason Simon found himself twisting the cold lock on the door. If he could he'd weld himself back in the Iron Lung. He was a contaminate, a mutated freak of nature who shouldn't even be alive. The Eridians, Grace, had spent so much time putting him back together. They spent resources and care to take the mangled body they had found in a pool of blood and make it function again. Hell, Grace had donated his blood just so Simon could live again.
The least he could do for them was to keep them away from him. They'd given him a garden, a home, the start of a family, a place with stars and a sky, but it was all for waste. Simon knew he was a monster. He knew at any moment he could snap and Grace would become another body on the endless pile Simon had. It wasn't safe — it wasn't right — for Grace to be gentle with him. He did not deserve whatever divinity was living next door to him.
Simon began to roam the house. He didn't own much, but what he did own was potent. A small figure Rocky had made for him. A book Grace had given him as a 'house warming gift'. The plants that had taken over his window from Adrian. All reminders of what he did not deserve.
Simon took his time with each item, careful not to cause it any damage as he put them all into one of the boxes Grace had brought him. He paced each room like a blood sniffing shark until anything personal was stored away. The box then being moved outside the door, hopefully to be reclaimed by someone who can care about it.
The voice booming in his head still demanded more. Simon took the mattress from his room, dragging it haphazardly through the house. It caught on corners causing his grip to slip repeatedly, yet again reminding him of the stump he had in place of his left arm. When he finally made it into the barren living room, he tossed it into the corner of the room trying not to think about how he and Grace had woken up on it just a few hours ago. He slammed the windows shut, drawing the curtains as tight as he could, the light still finding ways to filter in.
Simon wanted to scream until his vocal cords collapsed. He wondered how he could have been so stupid to let someone get this close to him. He wasn't the one Grace wanted, he would only let him down, only cause him harm. Simon could never be what he was looking for.
Hours later, while Simon sat curled up in the corner of the mattress, a gentle knock came from the front door.
"Simon! You home!"
Simon didn't respond.
"I've got some fresh apples! Plus some funny stories from class today!"
"Simon?"
"Simon, why's your stuff out here?"
"Simon! Are you okay?!" Panic rose in Grace's voice.
"… Go away Grace." Simon spat, trying to put as much menace as he could in his voice.
"Simon! What's happening, are you hurt? Do I need to come in there?"
"I said go away! I don't want to see you right now!"
"Si, please just open the—"
"Don't fucking call me that! Did you hear me that time! Don't fucking call me that stupid pet name!"
There's a beat of silence.
"I'm sorry Simon. Is this … is this about last night? I'm sorry, I should have asked, I shouldn't have …"
"Quit fucking rambling," bile builds back up in Simon's throat as he chokes out the lie, "it's so annoying."
"Simon!" A tone of anger slipped into Grace's voice. Good, Simon thought, he needs to be angry. "Simon open the door and talk to me!"
"I said go away."
"Not until you talk to me!"
There's a sliding on the other side of the door, Grace must have sat down. It would be so easy for Simon to open the door, beg for forgiveness, and live on. Grace would understand, he'd forgive him so quickly ignoring the wolf he had let into the pasture.
Minutes passed with no sound from either of them. The tension broiled in the artificial sun, ready to snap at any moment. A throbbing pain of longing passed through Simon. His eyes welled up with tears that he quickly wiped away. He did not deserve to cry over this. This was bigger than him. Grace needed to leave. Grace needed to be safe.
"Ryland. Go. Away." Simon punctuated each word, putting emphasis on the man's name.
"Si—"
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!" His hand slammed into the wall causing a rattle to echo through the whole house.
"Simon, I see what you're doing, it's not going to work. You can't just push me away like this."
"What the hell do you even know about me. Just because I'm the only other person for however many goddamn miles doesn't mean shit! You don't know the first thing about me!"
"I know I love you!"
Simon's breath was cut short at the admission. He knew there was no lie in Grace's voice. He had never lied to him before, there was no reason to start now.
"I … I know I love you Simon. I know there's a million and one reasons I shouldn't. You deserve better than me, but I love you Simon. Truly deeply love you." A quiver entered Ryland's voice, evidence of the tears that were spilling down his face. "
"You don't want me," Simon said quietly, "I will only cause you harm."
"I do—"
"I can't love you Ryland. So stay the fuck away from me or so help me I will hurt you, you know I could if I really tried."
No response came from the other side of the door, not even a sigh. Simon curled back in on himself, head buried in his knees hands folded over his head bracing for an impact that will never come. The house felt cold as the sunlight stopped heating it causing a shiver to rack through Simon's body.
Hours passed like that. His bones started to ache from the position, but he refused to move from his spot.
"Simon?" The gentle voice of the angel called out. "I … I am so sorry. I know you don't want to see me, or even hear from me and you're probably asleep right now, but I am so so so sorry for everything. I … I shouldn't have been selfish. Please — please forgive me Simon. Please forgive me."
Slowly Simon unraveled himself from the floor mattress and walked to the door. His hand hesitated over the knob afraid to turn it. He didn't deserve to, but Grace didn't deserve to feel guilty.
He opened the door.
Simon could just make out the shape of Grace as he melted into the endless night.