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It was two months or so into our journey to Erid. With the fuel Rocky had given me for my trip home it would take around 3.5 to 4 years to get there. Shorter then Rocky thought but still a long time to be in a ship that was never built to be in space that long. Luckily my best friend was a genius engineer and could pretty much fix anything.
So, I wasn't going home. That was that. I had conflicting emotions about all of it. Earth was home, yes. But the last true memories I had of the place were filled with terror, betrayal and pain. But I had no conflicting emotions about going back for Rocky. I will never ever regret that choice. I thought I was too late at first. Banging on the xenonite, calling him over and over. It was the greatest relief of my life when I saw him come towards me. When he came back aboard I hugged him for a long time. So, no regrets.
I had to repeatedly tell Rocky that after he called me an irresponsible, crazy human. He was grateful of course, but he said he thought I would become resentful of my choice. That it was his fault that I would never see Earth again. Which just no. He finally seemed to accept my words though especially after he found out how I came to be aboard the Hail Mary in the first place. Now that I finally remembered everything my brain decided it was a great time to relive every horrifying moment of my last day on Earth while I was sleeping
It had been happening sporadically and then more often. When I was alone it was fine. Well not fine but there was no one around to see his tears and breakdowns. When it happened again the second night Rocky was back on the ship, I had to tell him. I guess it was a pretty bad one because he was terrified I was hurt or ill or something.
I had tried maybe not successfully to explain dreams and nightmares to him. He tried to understand but for a species whose sleep was basically full unconsciousness with no awareness of the world around them I am not sure how well I explained it.
I was actually afraid to tell him. I thought he would think differently of me. Think of me as the coward that Stratt said I was.
*Two Months Ago*
I was sitting up in my bed after Rocky had basically thrown his ball against my bed to wake me after hearing me scream in my sleep. The terror of my memory making my heart pound still.
-Grace, whats wrong? Is Grace sick,hurt? Why Grace scream, Question-
“No bud not sick or hurt, I had a nightmare” I said
-Bad Mind Movie? Question-
That's how he said it. How could kind of understand what a nightmare was. Not a bad analogy really.
-What about, Question. Grace sound very scared-
God, he sounds so concerned. Hoping against hope that i could get through this and still have my best friend at the end of it, I told him. About Stratt. About the explosion. How the launch could not be delayed. How i had the choice to go or stay and die with everyone else. That I had 3 hours to decide. I was the mission expert. The expert on Astrophage. And then told him how I said no. I was no volunteer. I told him I was too afraid. That I ran for my life. That they held me down, drugged me into the coma and made my memories disappear. How I woke up here on the Mary, alone with two corpses with no idea who I was and how I got here. The rest he knew because he was here with me. I sat there then. Silent. I was crying of course. I waited. Waited for Rocky to say something, anything. To scream or yell to roll away in disgust. To call me the coward I was even though that would hurt so badly.
“Rocky, say something please” my voice trembling.
-Grace say no to mission, Question-
“Yes. Im sorry. I am not the brave person you think I am. I will understand if you are angry” I said hanging my head
He shook his carapace back and forth (which he had definitely learned from me) and stamped his foot twice.
-Grace stupid. Rocky not angry at Grace. Angry at Earth. Grace say no to mission but was forced to go anyway. Given drug to force sleep. This most horrid crime on Erid. Unforgivable to force sleep with no one to watch. And then wake with no memory. Also unforgivable crime on Erid. Hate Earth. Hate, hate, hate for hurting Grace-
Stunned I just sat there for a minute
“But how can you not be angry at me. I was selfish. I ran away. Too cowardly to die.When my whole planet was at stake”
He stomped again, harder this time
-So what if Grace scared. Normal to be scared. Normal to run. Grace say given only 3 hours to decide whether to live or die. Not near enough time. Say you given choice but really not. Eridians have long time to decide to go on mission. Some say no. No one angry at them. Grace say launch had to go on time or more die. Fine. They make that choice for you. To save planet. 3 lives for billions yes. Rocky understand. But should not have hurt Grace. Scare Grace. Understandable maybe to make decision they make. But unforgivable how they did it. Grace brave, brave, brave still. Save Earth, save Erid. Come back for Rocky even knowing Grace cannot go home now. NO COWARD. Do not say about self again. Rocky never think that about My Grace. Definite Statement-
He stomped both front feet twice so it would be understood. I couldnt speak. I had never heard him say so much at once. And he was angry. But not at me for me. Overwhelmed all I could do was cry. I knelt down and hugged his ball wishing not for the first time that I could hug him for real. He stood and leaned his carapace on my cheek. I could feel his warmth. He put one claw through the flexible part of his ball and gently held my wrist. Which of course made me cry harder. He just waited until I calmed a little and finally let go. I took a breath and then another and wiped my eyes.
“Thank you Rocky. I cant tell you how much that means to me. I have never had anyone stick up for me like that before” I told him wiping my eyes again
-Grace believe Rockys words. Question. Will always give words of great encouragement to My Grace. Even when he is being dumb space blob-
I huffed a laugh at that
“I will work on it pal. After all you are the smartest being I know. So if you say it, I guess it must be true”
-Yes Rocky smartest. Leaky Grace must believe-
I laughed again and then bent down to give him another hug.
*End Flashback*
So yea that was two months ago. The nightmares have eased a little. Probably because my brain knew I wasnt alone anymore. That I was safe. I mean they still happened of course. I had a lot of trauma and near-death experiences to work through. I wonder if Eridians have psychologists. Rocky and I both might need one once this journey is done.
But through every nightmare and panic attack, Rocky was there. Offering gentle words, hugs, teasing and sometimes just silence. Just sitting there with me. I was always amazed and humbled that in the vastness of an endless universe we had found each other. Saved each other. I never took it for granted
He rolled in just as I was getting ready for bed and I smiled. Grateful to not be alone. I gave his ball a gentle pat.
“Good night Pal. I will see you in the morning.
He trilled his goodnight song
-Grace sleep, Rocky Watch-