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“Bruce, what would you like to do for your birthday?”
“I...my birthday? Oh, yeah, I guess it’s coming up, huh?” Bruce sounded genuinely confused as he shifted in his seat, balancing his tablet on his knee while he reached across Pepper’s half of the couch for his coffee.
“Whatever you’d like,” Pepper continued, passing him the mug.
“Literally anything you want to do, Big Guy, just say the word,” Tony butted in. Bruce shook his head at Tony’s prodding (actual prodding as Tony had abandoned his work in favor of leaning over the arm of his chair to repeatedly poke Bruce in the leg) and sipped his coffee, savoring it as though it wasn’t cold from the hours it sat untouched when Bruce had been too distracted to remember it existed. Tony stared at Bruce until he caught his eye, then scowled and glared until Bruce put his mug down with a sigh.
“I don’t want to-”
“Shut up, Bruce. It’s your birthday, we want you to enjoy it. Key word: enjoy.”
“Whatever you guys want, then. I honestly don’t care about my birthday, never have. It’s just another day. I don’t need anything special.” Bruce shifted uncomfortably, looking as though he was torn between wanting to run from the room or sink into the couch until he disappeared.
“But Bruce...” Pepper began, gently laying her hand on Bruce’s arm. He tensed at her touch but cringed and muttered something that might have been an apology when she pulled her hand away.
“Wait, wait, hold up,” Tony interrupted. “Are you saying that you’ve never had a birthday party?”
“I...once. It wasn’t really a party, I guess, it was only Betty, but she hung up streamers and balloons, and she made a cake. So, no. I’ve had a birthday party before.” Bruce looked down, wringing his hands together as he spoke, more nervous and self-conscious than Tony had seen him in months.
“But...when you were little,” Pepper said carefully. “You never...”
“No,” Bruce replied blankly, looking up at Pepper. “Of course not. My parents...my father never particularly wanted to celebrate the fact that I’d been born. And after him...just the once.”
Tony hadn’t heard anything as depressing in a long, long time and, from the look on Pepper’s face, she hadn’t either. Bruce picked up his coffee again, giving his hands something to do besides endlessly fussing with his shirt sleeves. All three were quiet; only the sound of Bruce’s fingers drumming against the side of his mug kept the room from a total, awkward silence.
“So I appreciate the sentiment, I really do,” Bruce said. His mug clattered against the table as he suddenly stood up and stepped back, away from Pepper and Tony and the couch. “But please don’t bother. The only thing I want for my birthday is a promise that nobody’s going to try to make me celebrate it.”
“But--”
“Tony, I’m serious. No surprises, no parties, no presents. It’s not important, okay, I’m not like you two. My birthday hasn’t ever been a big deal my entire life, so why start now? Don’t answer that, Tony, it was rhetorical and you know it,” Bruce said, holding his hand up while Tony grunted at Bruce’s dismissal. “If you absolutely insist on doing something special, Tony, I’d accept a promise to not blow anything up on my side of the lab on my birthday.”
“Bruce, my wonderful, brilliant science bro, are you implying that my explosions are anything but accidental? Because, as you obviously know, science is unpredictable,” Tony strode toward Bruce, hoping to herd him back onto the couch, but Bruce saw it coming and stepped even further back before Tony reached him. “And so what if combustible materials tend to combust in your general direction, I can’t help that. Contrary to popular belief, I cannot actually control forces of nature.” Tony smiled at Bruce but received only an eye roll in response.
“Bruce,” Pepper said softly. “All we want is to make you feel special on your birthday, because we care about you. That’s all.”
“I know you care, Pepper,” Bruce said, softer than before but still sounding annoyed. “I’ve known that all along. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have stayed. You’ve both done so much for me, please don’t waste your time on my birthday. I don’t want that.”
“It’s not-” Pepper said.
“Bruce, c’mon-” Tony started at the same time, taking a step toward Bruce who backed up even further still, nearly touching the wall.
“Tony. Pepper. Please, just drop it. I don’t care about my birthday and you shouldn’t either. Okay?” Bruce said, his voice getting louder and sharper, and by the time Tony tried to inform him that, no, that was not okay, Bruce was gone.
“Jesus,” Tony breathed, turning to Pepper as soon as the door shut behind Bruce.
“We’ve got to do something for him,” Pepper said. Tony raised his eyebrows but grinned, not surprised that Pepper was refusing to drop the subject as stubbornly as he was. “Nothing big, nothing he’ll hate. But I can’t stand how normal it is for him to think nobody cares about his birthday.”
“About him,” corrected Tony. “You know that’s what he meant. But we care about him, he says he knows but he spends a hell of a lot of time pretending otherwise, and we are celebrating his birthday whether he likes it or not.”
Pepper nodded as they both returned to the couch and began to brainstorm, trying to figure out what Bruce would like, or at least what he would hate the least. They weren’t having much success and soon lapsed into frustrated silence, their best idea being adding a professional yogi to the Stark Industries payroll for Bruce's personal use, and Pepper was pretty sure Bruce would hate that too.
“When is his birthday, anyway?”
“The 15th. Next Thursday.”
“We’ve got a team meeting at SHIELD on the 15th, I bet I can convince Coulson to have it here instead. And when the meetings are here, you know how they tend to turn into team dinners and team movie nights and all that other team-building shit Coulson and Steve love so much.” Tony made a face because he was of the opinion that group activities such as being the only thing stopping an alien army from taking over New York City tended to be pretty effective team-building motivation. Steve disagreed, of course, and Tony was forced to go along with the game nights and community service and bowling tournaments and whatever other crap Steve and Coulson googled.
“Bruce doesn’t want anything fancy, he’s not used to it,” Tony continued, formulating an idea as he spoke. “So let’s give him a normal birthday party, the kind he never had as a kid. Someone brings out a cake after dinner, candles and presents and then Bruce gets to pick the movie and there’s nothing fancy about any of it.”
“That’s...kind of brilliant,” Pepper said and then swatted Tony away as he leaned in to gloat. “We were thinking too big because that’s what we’re used to. He’s not. He’s not used to anything so any of our big ideas would be way too much for him. But cake and presents with his friends? He might even enjoy that.”
“He’d better enjoy it,” Tony said. “He’ll never see it coming.”
“Um, Tony...” Pepper said, laying her tablet on the table and biting her lip. “This isn’t a surprise party, is it? We’re going to tell Bruce about it, we have to. He doesn’t like surprises.”
“If he knows about it he’ll find some reason to not show up,” Tony replied. “Anyway, this is a good surprise. Even if the party does piss him off - which it won’t - he's got a much better handle on the Hulk than he thinks. Trust me, Bruce will be fine and the structural integrity of Stark Tower will remain intact."
“I hope you’re right,” Pepper said as she stood up and gathered her tablet and Bruce’s abandoned coffee mug from the table. “When should I set up an appointment with Jocelyn?”
“Nope,” Tony said. “No Jocelyn. This needs to be special, Bruce’s first real birthday party, and hiring a party planner is kind of the opposite of special. We’re gonna plan the whole thing ourselves. All of us.”
“All of us?” Pepper repeated dubiously. “As in, all the Avengers?”
“And you.”
“I don’t really think that’s going to...work out well. Or at all.”
“Pepper, we went up against like a zillion aliens and we kicked their asses. I think we can handle a birthday party.”
“Okay Tony,” Pepper said without the slightest bit of confidence. Tony knew she'd be on the phone with Jocelyn the second she was out of earshot, arranging a back-up plan just in case. Tony didn’t care because he knew they wouldn’t need one. This party was going to be perfect.
~~~
“Tony, no. Put those back.”
Tony scowled at Pepper but reluctantly stacked the green and purple streamers back on the shelf where he’d found them. She’d just gotten through reminding him that this was a party for Bruce, not the Hulk, and Bruce has never so much as implied that his favorite color is either purple or green, so please, Tony, stop sneaking everything purple or green you see into the cart, and he didn’t feel like hearing it again.
“Perhaps a celebration adorned with the brave adventurer Dora would please Dr. Banner,” Thor’s voice boomed from another part of the store, presumably wherever the themed children’s party supplies were shelved. Tony rolled his eyes. Once, Thor had found Bruce asleep in front of the TV when Dora the Explorer was on. One time. No matter how hard Bruce tried to convince Thor that he'd never even seen an episode of the show, Thor still acted as though he’d discovered some deep secret of Bruce’s and, any time someone mentioned the words “Dora” or “explorer,” he would wink at Bruce (and, if he was close enough, occasionally knock the wind out of Bruce with a gentle-for-Thor elbow to the ribs) and smile broadly.
Tony poked his head out the end of his aisle in time to see Natasha gently taking a large, glittery Dora banner from Thor’s hands. Tony looked over his shoulder at Pepper, who was busy deciding on a boring, purple-and-green-less color scheme for the streamers and balloons, and went to join Natasha and Thor.
“Even if Bruce does secretly like to watch Dora the Explorer, which I’m sure he doesn’t, wouldn’t he like that to remain a secret?” Natasha was speaking patiently without talking down to Thor, which Tony had discovered was much harder than it seemed, and Thor seemed to agree with her logic.
“I understand. On Asgard as well there exists a code of trust and silence among warriors. I am honored to hold such a bond with Dr. Banner and thus will keep his secret close.” Thor held his hands over his heart and winked at Natasha before continuing further down the aisle, stopping every few feet to examine whatever caught his eye.
“Probably the best you’re gonna do here,” Tony said, grabbing the Dora banner from Natasha and unfolding it to its full size. "Thor's got a point, though. I know the first thought that pops into my head when I look at this thing is how joyful Bruce would feel if he saw it. There's no way Pepper will let it anywhere near the party but I think the lab could use some livening up, don't you?"
“What happened to the streamers?” Natasha asked, rolling her eyes and taking the banner back, carefully folding it to match its undisturbed, glittery brethren on the shelf.
“Got bored,” Tony shrugged. “Pepper kind of took over anyway, since she hated all of my suggestions.”
“Green and purple?” Natasha smirked. Tony ignored the jab, instead surveying the variety of themed decorations around them. Thor had wandered further down the aisle and Tony was pretty sure the paper plates in Thor's hand had Justin Bieber's glittery face printed all over them. From the confusion on Thor's face, Tony suspected he had no idea who Justin Bieber was and hoped he wouldn't be the one stuck trying to explain Bieber Fever to the God of Thunder. He cringed imagining all the different, terrible ways that conversation could go, not paying any attention to Natasha until she butted her cart into Tony’s side hard enough to startle him but probably not to leave a bruise.
“Hey!” He glared melodramatically at Natasha and she feigned innocence, which she was unsurprisingly very good at. He looked down into her cart and saw that there was only one item in it: a tiny New York license plate bearing the name JANE on a keychain. Natasha gestured unnecessarily to Thor, shaking her head but smiling fondly.
Suddenly, she was hit directly in the forehead with a thick foam arrow and, a second later, so was Tony. Natasha stormed into the next aisle, arrow in hand, and Tony followed her with the cart in time to see Clint jump to the ground from the top of the tall metal stock cart he’d been perched on. He was grinning and dropped the flimsy plastic bow and four more arrows on the floor as Natasha flung her arrow at his face. He dodged the arrow but in doing so slammed his head hard into the side of the stock cart and Tony had no idea Natasha was physically capable of laughing so hard.
“Hey! You can’t do that!” A young woman wearing an ill-fitting mustard yellow polo shirt adorned with the store’s logo was jogging toward them from the back of the store. Natasha was still laughing, close to actually crying, and Clint gathered up all six arrows and threw them at Natasha at once.
“What the hell,” the employee (Lisa, according to her nametag) said. “I was gone for like two minutes. C’mon, cut it...” Lisa's voice faded as she slowly reached for the walkie talkie hanging off her belt and Tony realized that the way Natasha was stretching gave Lisa a clear view of the gun sitting at her hip.
“Guys, not cool,” Tony intervened, because they really didn't need another incident like the one that had gotten everyone except Steve banned from the bowling alley. “Lisa, it’s fine, these two are just idiots. They're harmless and, actually, we were just leaving anyway.” Clint and Natasha had stopped roughhousing and were standing together behind Tony, next to Natasha’s cart. They were both stone-faced but Clint’s eyes were darting between Tony, Lisa, and the safety archery set lying in pieces on the floor.
“Okay,” Lisa said, slowly sliding the radio back into her belt loop without taking her eyes off Natasha. “But you’re gonna have to pay for...ohmygodyou’reTonyStark.”
“Indeed I am,” he said, breaking out his patented Tony Stark Damage Control Smile (was it possible to patent a smile? He would have to ask someone from legal about that) and shaking her hand.
“Mr. Stark, I’m so sorry, I just, like, yelled at you or whatever, I didn’t realize who--”
“You were just doing your job, don’t apologize,” Tony said smoothly, waving her apology off. “But we really were just leaving, I don’t know how we ended up over here in the first place seeing as the party we’re throwing is for a man in his forties.” Natasha snuck up next to him to whisper Thor loudly enough for all of them to hear. Lisa laughed uneasily and bent to pick up the pieces of the arrow set.
“Hey, I thought I was paying for that,” Tony said as Lisa tried to shove the bow back into its package.
“It’s no big deal, kids take these things apart all the time. I can put them right back how they were,” she mumbled as she held up the bag which did actually contain all the pieces but was much lumpier than the unopened sets and wouldn’t fully close. Tony gently snatched it from her and tossed it to Clint who caught it with a grin.
“Thanks dad!” Clint exclaimed cheerfully. Tony ignored him while he thanked Lisa and autographed the crumpled receipt she’d dug out of her pocket.
“Seriously?” Tony turned to Clint and Natasha as soon as Lisa had pushed the stock cart into the next aisle.
“Come on Stark, you’d have been right there with us if that girl hadn’t shown up.”
“What girl?” Pepper asked. She’d been coming up the same aisle they’d turned into and was now looking at Tony, smirking with one eyebrow cocked.
“Damage control, Pep, these two idiots were terrorizing a poor innocent salesgirl and I had to intervene.”
“We were not,” Clint protested, not quite loud enough to drown out Natasha's "Not on purpose."
“Hey, you said no green,” Tony said as he dug through Pepper’s cart, which was almost completely filled with party supplies.
“I said no Hulk green,” she corrected. “There are a lot of different shades of green, you know.”
“Technicalities.” Tony walked beside Pepper as she turned the cart around so they could follow Clint and Natasha back down the aisle.
“My friends." Tony jumped because Thor himself was nowhere to be seen but his voice was really, really loud. “I have found the most honorable of all decorations. Join me in examining this remarkable collection of celebratory supplies!”
Tony and Pepper shared a glance and continued down the aisle. Tony kept arguing about the color scheme, mostly just to get a rise out of Pepper, and they were so distracted by their bickering that they almost bumped into Steve as he walked by with his arms full of wrapping paper and a variety of plastic tablecloths. Pepper motioned to her cart and Steve unloaded his pile gratefully.
“Thank you,” Steve said, taking over cart-pushing duties from Pepper.
“What the hell is all that?” Tony asked as he pawed through Steve’s selections.
“I...wasn’t sure what to get,” Steve explained, looking down. “Birthday parties aren’t the same as they used to be, I guess, because this place is huge and I don’t even know where to start. I figured we’d need wrapping paper, though, and, well, you’ve got a lot of tables, I suppose."
Steve Rogers possessed the ability to make Tony feel guilty in ways he didn’t think were possible, like, for example, for telling Steve to go to town and pick out whatever he thought Bruce would like for his birthday party, anything in the whole store, because Tony couldn't stand one more minute of Steve tagging along with him and Pepper, constantly pestering them with questions about what they needed to buy.
“I do, in fact, have a lot of tables, so good call on that one,” Tony said, clapping Steve on the back as they turned down the aisle Thor had called them to.
“Cap! Check it out!” Clint turned around to show Steve the child-sized half-mask modeled after Captain America’s helmet that Clint had somehow shoved onto his head and the matching plastic shield that was, at most, half the size of the real thing.
“Are you serious?” Steve said, breaking into a smile and leaving the cart to go investigate Clint’s costume. Tony quickly followed and couldn't stop himself from grinning at shelf after shelf of Avengers-themed party supplies, decorations, and costumes. The section stretched halfway down the aisle and, judging by the depleted piles of napkins, plates, and banners, a whole lot of kids in New York were having Avengers-themed birthday parties.
“A mediocre replica,” Thor said, examining a plastic Mjolnir sized for a child’s hands. “Certainly lacking the might of Mjolnir, of course. Still, a worthy effort.” He placed the toy down and spotted an inflatable Mjolnir a few shelves away. He scrutinized it from every angle, tossed it in the air and caught it, and tried to grip it as though it were the real thing. Tony suddenly had visions of destroyed shelves and avalanches of party supplies spilling to the floor and he held his breath as Thor swung the inflatable hammer against the shelf. But the impact was surprisingly gentle, merely shaking the shelf without even knocking anything over, and the hammer remained in one piece. Much to Thor’s delight, he discovered that the hammer squeaked upon impact, and three still-packaged inflatable Mjolnirs joined the keychain in Natasha’s cart.
“Three?” Natasha asked.
“These are not the sturdiest of specimens,” Thor explained, “And I do not wish to be without as they are most amusing.” He bopped Natasha on the head with the hammer and then went to show Steve his treasure.
Tony was surveying the Iron Man merchandise and seriously considered buying paper plates shaped like Iron Man’s head for Bruce’s party, but he put them back when he imagined the look he'd get from Pepper for the suggestion.
They didn’t have to be for Bruce’s birthday, though. They could just go in the kitchen, paper plates were always useful, not just for birthday parties, and two packages of Iron Man plates landed in Pepper’s cart. Tony buried them under Steve’s tablecloths while Pepper was busy getting bopped on the head by Thor.
Fifteen minutes, two arguments over whether Bruce would appreciate a gigantic banner adorned with a huge Hulk saying “Have a SMASHING Birthday!” (Pepper reluctantly let it in the cart once Tony got Steve on his side), and several hundred dollars later, they were on the way back to Stark Tower, Tony, Pepper, Natasha, and Clint piled into one car, leaving Steve, Thor, and the truly ridiculous number of shopping bags in the other. Pepper was, of course, busying herself with her to-do list before the car even pulled away from the curb.
“Okay, we can cross decorations off the list. It seems like we bought half the store, we should be able to throw something relatively nice together. Now, what about food?”
“Got it under control,” Clint said from the back row. “Me and Steve’ll make all Bruce’s favorites.”
“You mean you’ll make all of Bruce’s favorites while Steve follows you around the kitchen asking how he can help?” Tony asked, earning a laugh from Natasha.
“He tries,” Clint sighed. “So, yeah, cross dinner off your list, Pepper, and Phil said he’ll make cupcakes.”
“Coulson?” Tony asked. "Coulson's making cupcakes?"
“Trust me, Stark, you haven’t tasted red velvet until you’ve had Phil’s cupcakes."
“Wonderful,” Pepper smiled. "Dinner and cake, check.”
“Someone needs to ask what he actually wants for dinner. Stark, you've got the best shot at getting an honest answer out of him,” Natasha said. “He’s as bad as Rogers, he pretends he loves whatever’s on his plate.”
“Result of going hungry for extended periods of time, I’d assume, and no can do. That would give it away.”
“Tony...” Natasha started.
“This isn’t a surprise party, right?” Clint finished for her.
“Nobody’s jumping out at him yelling ‘SURPRISE’ so I wouldn’t consider it a surprise party. It’s just a party for Bruce. A party he doesn’t know about.”
“For the record,” Pepper said before Clint or Natasha could voice their objections. “I’ve been against that part of the plan from the start.”
“Pep, c’mon, I told you. Nothing’s gonna happen. He’ll be fine, he’s been fine, no problems, all my walls and all his pants are still intact. It’s gonna be fun.”
“Oh shit, he didn’t tell you? He totally didn’t tell you!” Clint said, nearly jumping out of his seat into Tony and Pepper's row.
“Who didn’t tell me what?”
“Last week, when you were in Prague, there was...an incident,” Pepper said diplomatically.
“What kind of incident?” Tony asked, hoping the answer was anything but what he knew it had to be.
“Bruce...” Pepper started, then looked to the back seat for help.
“Bruce burned his hand ironing and turned into the Hulk for three hours,” Natasha said, as straightforward as she ever was.
“Bruce irons?” Tony said, because he paid people to do everyone's laundry and where did Bruce even get an iron anyway?
“He asked for one, he says it’s relaxing,” Pepper said, and Tony wasn't sure if he'd asked out loud without realizing again or if Pepper had finally learned to read his mind. “Tony, I know you trust him to be in control, but it’s still not a good idea to surprise him. Even if it’s a good surprise,” Pepper said, cutting off his sputtering objections.
“Pep, he knows the difference between a scalding hot iron and a birthday party. And even if he does Hulk out, clearly he didn’t do too much smashing because I didn’t know about this until now, so what’s the problem? Oh and, for the record, Hulk likes me, remember? It’ll be fine.” Tony crossed his arms and smirked at Pepper.
“You didn’t noticed because I’m not sure you’ve ever stepped foot in that part of the building,” Natasha said, rolling her eyes.
“It wasn’t that bad,” Clint said. “Just a couple of walls. And windows. And, oh yeah, I guess there's some water damage from when he pulled the sink off the wall, forgot about that. But really the only thing he majorly smashed was the service elevator. And the ironing board, it took Thor like three hours to get it out of the elevator door, and nobody knows where the iron ended up. But it's not like he collapsed the building or anything, you know? After that he just climbed up to the roof and paced around until me and Thor went up there and kept him busy until Bruce came back.” Clint shrugged and Natasha scowled at the memory because, no matter how much she denied it, Tony knew Natasha was still afraid of the Hulk.
“How did you keep him busy? I meant to ask,” Pepper said.
“Mostly I just shot arrows at Thor and Thor pretended he was getting hurt,” Clint smirked. “Hulk doesn’t like Thor but I think we’re bros now? Stark, did you teach him how to fistbump? I assume that’s what he kept trying to get me to do.”
“Yes I did,” Tony said, practically preening. “So what’s the problem, ladies? I clearly have room in my budget for minor structural repairs and Hulk likes me and Barton and we can always just pretend to beat the shit out of Thor because the big guy thinks it’s funny. Sounds like a party to me!”
“Bruce wouldn't leave his floor for two days,” Natasha said flatly. “And when he did surface, which was only after Pepper went up there and told him Clint sliced his leg open and was threatening to stitch it up himself, it took all of us another three days to talk him out of going back to India before you got home.”
“Well, he’s still here, isn’t he? Wait, we left him alone after that, what the fuck guys, JARVIS, talk to me, where’s Bruce, what’s he up to right now, it better not be leaving the country.”
“Dr. Banner is presently in his kitchen drinking tea and completing last Wednesday’s New York Times crossword puzzle. Based on his current attire and the lack of prepared baggage, he will likely remain in the Tower for the immediate future. Shall I inform him of your inquiry?”
“Have I ever once asked you to tell someone when I was spying on them? Come on, J.” Natasha and Clint were suddenly whispering rapidly to each other and Tony had a feeling he was going to regret kind of admitting to spying on the spies.
“What do you mean, his current attire? What’s Bruce wearing that he can’t leave, huh? Tighty-whities? A thong? Little tassles on his nipples? Hey!” Tony glared at Pepper after she smacked him in the arm.
“Dr. Banner is wearing a t-shirt, boxers, and slippers at the moment, but if you’d like I can generate a shopping list based on your suggestions and forward it to him promptly.”
"Shut it, J,” Tony snapped while the rest of the car snickered. “See, Bruce is still here, he was just being dramatic, he does that you know. He’s sneaky about it, he looks so quiet and unassuming with the whole shy awkward scruffy scientist thing, but really he’s just a big ol’ drama queen. Especially about the Hulk.”
“Tony...” Pepper said.
“Hawkeye’s with me here, right? Because, reminder, if he knows it’s a birthday party he’s not going to come, I guarantee it. Like I said, drama queen, who says no to their insanely wealthy and generous friend’s offer of the birthday party of their dreams? Bruce fucking Banner, that’s who.”
“He said no?” Natasha asked sharply.
“Pepper brought it up, he did that self-deprecating thing I hate, I told him to get over it and let us throw him a party, he got all passive-aggressive about how we shouldn’t bother because it’s nothing special, all that bullshit, and then he ran out of the room so quickly I’m pretty sure he left big green skidmarks on the floor.”
“So he implied that he doesn’t want a party,” Natasha stated, uneasiness in her voice.
“Actually,” Pepper said, cutting Tony off with a glare. “Bruce didn’t imply that he didn’t want a birthday party, he directly asked that Tony please not throw him a birthday party. More than once.”
“And you’re on board with that?”
“I’m on board with the party itself. Bruce deserves a happy birthday for once in his life. The surprise part, though, that’s all on Tony,” Pepper answered. Someone grunted from the back seat, Tony assumed Natasha, and they spent the remaining few minutes of the drive in silence.
“Hey Cap, Thor, c’mere!” Tony called as he, Pepper, Clint, and Natasha got out of the car. Steve and Thor had arrived a few minutes earlier and were unloading the ridiculous haul of party supplies. They left the bags and walked over to Tony’s car, Thor still clutching the inflatable Mjolnir.
“Team meeting time, you too Pep, no sneaking away,” Tony said as he addressed the group. “Right, so, this party? Bruce doesn’t know about it and it’s going to stay that way, period. And if you tell Bruce about the party, and I will find out who it was, just remember: I know where you sleep.”
“I don’t actually sleep here most of the time,” Natasha said. “Most nights I’m at SHIELD, Clint is too, and even you're not enough of an idiot to try to break in there."
“I know where you sleep sometimes and I have an AI who knows exactly when you’re sleeping there,” Tony said, narrowing his eyes at Natasha’s smirk. “So, no telling Bruce unless you’d enjoy suffering some unspecified bodily injury while you sleep and if that’s actually your thing, you get off on the whole sexy pain stuff, then I will find some other, non-sexually exciting way to torture and/or maim you for being Earth’s Mightiest Spoilsport, yes I’m looking at you Natasha, I know your feelings on this matter and if you were throwing Bruce a birthday party then you could tell him whatever you wanted, but my house my party my rules.”
“Tony, do you really think this is a good idea?” Steve asked in that careful, logical way of his that Tony absolutely could not stand.
“No, Cap, I think it’s a great idea,” Tony snapped. “And you can go right ahead and join Team Wet Blanket over there, you and Pepper and Natasha, and someone should alert the UN because look at that, America and Russia are allies again, they’ll probably give me a goddamn Nobel Prize, and why don’t I have one of those yet? That seems profoundly unfair as I am more than qualified in multiple categories and that’s not even counting Iron Man. JARVIS, look into that, pretty glaring oversight as far as I’m concerned. So you and Natasha and Pepper over here can try to establish international diplomacy but over on Team Awesome, which is me and Barton and Thor, right Thor? Of course you’re for this party, that’s what I thought - we’ll be throwing a party for Bruce that he’ll love and cherish the memories of for the rest of his life, because his friends were thoughtful enough to realize he was being an idiot and threw him an awesome party for his own good, and he’ll say ‘Thank you Tony, for being smart enough to ignore my wishes, how can I ever repay you for your kindness and generosity,’ and I’ll say ‘No need, your happiness is payment enough, but I also wouldn’t object to you letting me get rid of those fucking Monty Python tapes that are taking up half the shelf behind the TV because they are tapes and I didn’t even know we had a VCR and, more importantly, they are not funny, they are so far from funny that they wouldn’t know it if it came up and farted on them and, okay, fine the fart jokes are funny but that’s it’ and you three will not be part of those happy memories because you were too busy being wrong to help make it happen and I really don’t think you want that, because Bruce is great and deserves awesome things like parties, and how can you live with yourself if you deny him that?”
“I’ll take my chances,” Pepper said, handing Tony a bag to carry. Tony crossed his arms and Pepper rolled her eyes before shoving the bag at his chest.
“So, Cap, did I answer your question?” Tony asked because Steve, like everyone else, had wandered back to the bags while Tony was monologuing. Most everyone had already gone inside but Steve, bringing up the rear, stopped and turned around when Tony called his name.
“You think it’s a good idea, I’m wrong, something about the Cold War, Bruce deserves a great party, and you hate Monty Python,” Steve listed, sounding bored. “That it?”
“How do you even know what Monty Python is, ugh, don’t listen to Bruce, they are not the greatest humorists of the twentieth century or whatever the hell he calls them,” Tony said as he caught up with Steve and they walked into the house together. “But I’m serious, Steve, please don’t tell him. If he knows, he won’t come, and he needs this. His entire life nobody ever celebrated his birthday and he thinks that’s normal, he thinks he doesn’t deserve it, and that’s bullshit, you know it is, but he’s so goddamn stubborn and the only way to change his mind about it, to make him believe he is worth it, is to force him into it. Like him and the Hulk. The only reason Bruce believes that the Hulk can be more than just a monster is because he was forced to in New York, he had to use the Hulk for good, as part of a team, and it worked. And if he hadn’t forced himself to? If he hadn’t come back? He’d be back in India or Brazil or wherever the fuck else, hiding and running and counting the days between incidents and still believing, to the bottom of his heart, that he is nothing but a monster and he doesn't deserve to have other people care about him because he's not worth it. And if the only way I can help him change his mind is by ambushing him with a birthday party at the risk of the Hulk wrecking my rec room? I’m taking that risk and nobody, not you or Pepper or Bruce himself is going to talk me out of it.”
They were standing just inside the doorway from the garage, still holding their bags of party supplies. The others had already deposited their bags into the (Pepper-designated) official hiding closet and had dispersed throughout the building. Tony was waiting for Steve’s response, something about how he understands where Tony’s coming from but he’s putting all of them at risk and he’s sorry but he can’t let that happen. But Steve didn’t say anything. Instead, he was staring at Tony, staring into his eyes, and he looked thoughtful and surprised and a little bit confused, and when the staring continued for more than a few seconds Tony started to feel very uncomfortable. He squirmed and started fussing with the bags he was holding just to give him something to look at besides Steve. He peeked up and saw that Steve wasn’t staring at him anymore but instead appeared to be contemplating the ceiling, and Tony decided to take the opportunity to escape. Steve stopped him after his first step.
“Wait,” Steve said, putting his hand on Tony’s shoulder to stop him from leaving. Tony tensed under Steve’s touch and Steve, sensing Tony’s discomfort, let go.
“I’d love to have a staring contest with you all night, Cap, but there’s work to be done and whiskey to be drank and Pepper to be pleasured, you understand.”
“Tony, please just listen for a minute,” Steve said, and he was so fucking earnest about it Tony didn’t know whether to smile or vomit. “You’re right.”
“‘Course I am,” Tony replied reflexively while his brain scrambled to keep up with the sudden change of events.
“I thought you were just being an idiot about this. That Bruce told you no but you were doing it anyway because you’re Tony Stark and you do what you want.”
“To be fair, that’s also true.”
“And I thought you were crazy. I thought you'd gone too far and I couldn't figure out why you were being so irresponsible and reckless, especially after last week.”
“For the record, I did not know a thing about that until like twenty minutes ago.”
“But it wouldn’t have changed your mind. So I was against it, because from my angle it looked like you were unnecessarily putting all of us at risk and also humiliating your best friend in front of everyone, and that made me lose some respect for you, Tony, that you would do that to the team and especially to Bruce. And I’m sorry I-”
“Don’t apologize,” Tony said, waving it away. “Making myself look like a world-class asshole is one of my many talents.”
“You’re not an asshole.”
“Oh, no, Steve, I am absolutely an asshole, that isn’t even up for debate. But in this specific instance, no, I’m not just being an ass. Probably you should write down the date or something, I think Pepper keeps a list.”
“Tony,” Steve said, and waited for Tony’s attention before he continued. “I underestimated you because I didn’t understand why you were doing this. And maybe that’s because I don’t know Bruce as well as you do - none of us do - but I shouldn’t have doubted your intentions. You play the asshole but that’s not who you are, not really. I should’ve known, after you...after New York, that your heart's in the right place. You just sometimes have a funny way of showing it, just like Howard always...shit, Tony, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to--”
“Damage done. Continue,” Tony said, and maybe one day someone would compare him to his father and he'd be able to brush it off without a care and he wouldn't immediately be smothered by that huge, heavy thing weighing on his chest, crushing him, or at least maybe he'd find some other way to drag himself out from under it so he could breathe again, some other way that didn't involve him needing a fucking drink immediately, and wouldn't that just be fucking fantastic, if he could do that someday.
“Sorry,” Steve said, cringing for, like, the fifth time. “Um. Just, he was like that too. So. I should’ve known you’d never do that to us and especially to Bruce, because he’s too important to you for that. And you’re right, this is the right thing to do. It’s worth the risk.”
“He’s worth the risk,” Tony corrected.
“Yeah, he is. It seemed like such a strange thing for you to get so upset about but it’s not strange at all. And I’m on board.”
“Good,” Tony said abruptly. “Welcome to Team Awesome, on Wednesdays we wear pink. Actually, you'd look awful in pink, so let's just scratch that entirely.” Steve laughed weakly as Tony tugged the three bags he was carrying out of his hands.
“Hey, Tony,” Steve called as Tony walked toward the closet.
“What, my ass is fabulous? I know.”
“Why is Pepper against it? Didn’t you explain?”
“Don't need to,” Tony said, tossing the bags into the closet and turning back to Steve. “Pepper’s close to Bruce too, she knows how he is. She knows what I’m doing. She’s just too damn practical for her own good, that’s her problem. She’ll come around soon enough.”
“What about Natasha?”
“Natasha,” Tony sighed. “She can disagree with me all she wants, I don’t care. Just as long as she doesn’t tell him, that’s what I’m worried about.”
“Do you trust her?”
“Trust,” Tony snorted. “Look, I don’t really trust people in general. As a rule. But do I trust Natasha in this particular instance? I don’t know. No idea. She’s a spy, she lived undercover in my house for months. I know she’s still afraid of the Hulk. She's fine with Bruce now but the Hulk still scares the shit out of her and she might tell him about the party if she thinks it will protect her from that. But she likes Bruce, they’re friends or something, they go out to lunch and play dumb card games and, you know, she grew up without birthdays too. Just like him, nobody ever did a thing to make her feel special, not even on her birthday. So as his friend, I’m not sure she’d want to ruin the chance for him to have that, just for once.”
“I don’t think she’ll tell,” Steve said simply. “Gut feeling.”
“I hope you’re right,” Tony said as he moved toward the elevator. “I don’t know what’s closer to the real Natasha, but I do know that fear is a hell of a lot stronger than empathy, especially for someone like her, with her history, and that's not exactly reassuring."
“She could surprise you, you know,” Steve said. “She’s like you, too, it’s hard to tell what she's really thinking most of the time, but I just have a feeling she doesn’t want to ruin the surprise. If she did, she already would’ve told him. But she didn’t tell him and I don’t think she will.”
“I hope you’re right,” Tony repeated as the elevator door shut, leaving Steve behind. He wanted to agree with Steve but he wasn’t convinced enough to count on it. He rode the elevator all the way to the penthouse where he immediately poured himself that drink and proceeded to spend the rest of the night thinking of ways to keep Natasha away from Bruce without either of them noticing.
~~~
Tony prided himself on giving great gifts. Generally, he was very good at matching people (at least, the handful of people he cared enough about to personally give them gifts) with the perfect gift, something they would truly enjoy (except Pepper, oddly enough, Pepper was his Achilles Heel of gift-giving which was why, more often than not, Pepper’s gifts involved Tony’s credit card and some very happy commissioned employees at her favorite stores and as much as Tony hated being so unoriginal, he had to admit that was about a million times better than strawberries or a giant rabbit or blowing up all his suits). But Pepper aside, Tony almost always easily got it right which was why he was surprised that he was having such a hard time figuring out what to get Bruce.
The problem was that Bruce absolutely hated when Tony bought him things. He’d grudgingly accepted a basic wardrobe, mostly because he had all of one shirt, one toothbrush, and zero dollars to his name at the time. But the books, the trips, the time Tony rented the entire Natural History museum for six hours because he found out Bruce had never seen the dinosaurs, the motorcycle - Tony never claimed to limit his gift-giving to holidays and birthdays, that was no fun, what's the point of being filthy rich if you can't surprise your friends with presents whenever you feel like it - Bruce hadn’t wanted any of them. He wasn’t ungrateful, not in the slightest, but he was clearly uncomfortable with all of it and that meant Tony couldn't come up with a single gift that Bruce would genuinely enjoy receiving.
The only things Bruce let Tony buy him were for the lab. Everything was already state-of-the-art, of course, but there was a lot of equipment Bruce needed that Tony himself hadn’t had any use for. Bruce had made a face the first time a shiny new piece of equipment he’d mentioned was waiting for him in the lab the next morning, but Tony kept doing it and it didn’t take Bruce long to stop being stupid about it. Tony's problem was, because he was both incredibly impulsive and ridiculously eager to make Bruce happy, Bruce already had everything he could conceivably want or need for his lab which meant all of that was out, too.
Tony spent the next few days thinking, really concentrating on the things he knew about Bruce, the things Bruce enjoyed, and every conversation they’d ever had about Bruce the person (instead of Bruce the scientist or the Avenger or the doctor or, and Tony wanted to fucking punch Bruce in the face every time he said it, the monster). There had to be something, some clue somewhere, that Tony could work with.
He was dozing off in the workshop, reclining in his chair with his feet on his desk and his hands behind his head, when it came to him. The perfect gift for Bruce. He was so excited he startled himself awake, nearly tipping his chair backwards in the process. He’d been wracking his brain for days, sifting through months of observations and conversations, and he’d finally found what he needed. Bruce had only mentioned it once, not long after he’d moved in, and he immediately claimed it was nothing. But Tony had noticed the guilt on Bruce’s face and heard the heaviness in his voice, and he'd let Bruce deflect his every attempt to bring it up, because Bruce was kind of a terrible liar and it very obviously wasn’t ‘nothing’. Tony filed it away in his mind and forgot about it, adding it to the mental pile of things Bruce claimed weren't important but clearly were, just in case he ever had a reason to look into it again. A reason like, say, finding the perfect gift for Bruce’s first real birthday party.
“Hey JARVIS,” Tony called as he spun around in his chair twice. “Did SHIELD upgrade their firewall since the last time we got in or are we good with the same credentials?”
“As far as I can tell, there have been no major upgrades since Tuesday. Shall I connect?”
“Go for it.” Tony rolled the chair to the center of the workshop and drummed his hands on his knees while JARVIS worked.
“Access granted,” JARVIS announced unnecessarily as a holographic SHIELD logo spun down from the ceiling and came to rest in front of Tony.
“Well done, J,” Tony said as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Show me Bruce’s file.”
“Surely you’ve committed it in its entirety to memory by now,” JARVIS said as Bruce’s file opened in front of Tony’s face.
“Very funny.” Tony flipped through file after file about Bruce, skimming the unfamiliar ones and then moving on. Finally he found the file he needed and opened it quickly, spreading the contents out in front of him . He broke into a smile as he browsed through the files, selecting the handful he was looking for and emailing them to himself before closing the whole thing with a satisfied clap.
“JARVIS, get Coulson on the line for me, will you?”
~~~
“Meeting’s moved to here, not SHIELD,” Tony announced casually as he strode into the lab. Bruce looked up from his work for a moment, then returned to his screen.
“You didn’t have anything to do with that, did you?”
“You mean did I schedule SHIELD intern orientation for exactly the same time as our Avengers meeting and then get into a shouting match with Coulson about it until he caved and moved our meeting to Stark Tower without actually asking me first? Unless my name is Maria Hill, no, I did not do any of that, you know I'd jump at the opportunity to terrorize some interns. This was all Coulson."
“Right,” Bruce nodded, not even trying to act convinced. “So moving the meeting here, which means now there's dinner here too, and movies or games or whatever else, that’s got nothing to do with the fact that Thursday is my birthday, right? Tony? Because remember what I said about--”
“Pfft,” Tony rolled his eyes as he activated the screen next to Bruce’s. “Don’t flatter yourself, Banner. You said no party, I listened, I do that once in awhile, you know. Nothing to do with your birthday, just a last minute scheduling conflict.”
“Good,” Bruce said as he passed some data to Tony's screen, where Tony quickly shuffled a few things around and passed it back to Bruce.
“Of course, it’s not too late to change your mind. You know, in case you decided you’d like to celebrate your birthday with your friends and possibly also some strippers, maybe even one that comes out of a cake.”
“Tony,” Bruce sounded annoyed but he couldn’t hide the smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. “No strippers, no cake, no cake with a stripper inside, none of it. It’s just a birthday, it’s not important, I don’t want anything, so stop thinking about it.”
“Whatever you say,” Tony responded. “Can I at least give you a card or something? Oh, or one of those giant cards that everyone signs, can I do that?”
“If you have to,” Bruce sighed. “You know you’re obsessed with giving me physical, tangible evidence that you like me, right? Like I won’t believe you if I don’t have a motorcycle or a closet full of ridiculously expensive shirts or a birthday card from you as proof?"
Tony didn’t respond because Bruce was right, Bruce was usually right about Tony’s various dysfunctions, and Tony hadn’t realized until Bruce pointed it out that, yes, that’s exactly what he’d been doing since the day he met Bruce. Because maybe their immediate bond had been a fluke, the product of the tumultuous situation they’d found themselves in the middle of. But after, when they weren’t Avengers but just two guys who happened to also be genius superhero scientists, then Bruce would have time to actually get to know Tony beneath the armor and the swagger and the genius. And Tony knew Bruce was so many things Tony wasn’t, so many things that were better than Tony and if Bruce stayed and grew and learned to value those things in himself, Tony was afraid, Tony was terrified that Bruce would realize who Tony really was, deep down, and Bruce would realize he was too good for Tony, and Bruce would leave. And Tony couldn’t have that, couldn’t let that happen, so he worked with what he knew, what he’d been shown his entire life, and Bruce had figured him out before Tony realized he was even doing anything at all.
And Bruce was still here. Even though he’d figured Tony out, he stayed. That alone deserved a party.
“Not worried,” Tony replied. “I’m just exceedingly generous, despite your ungrateful nature. Get used to it.”
“Couldn’t if I tried,” Bruce muttered, more to himself than to Tony. He turned back to his work and, after a moment, swiped a set of data points to Tony. Tony had just started to overlay Bruce’s results with his own when his pocket started vibrating. Since the only people who regularly texted Tony were Bruce and Pepper, Tony pulled his phone out expecting to find a message reminding him to do something he’d not so much forgotten about as chosen to ignore. Instead, he found a message from Natasha.
Natasha: I still don’t like this party idea, Stark. Bruce really doesn’t want anything, especially a party.
Tony: He’ll love it. He’s just being stubborn but I’m more stubborn than him so I’ll win.
Natasha: Sometimes I don’t know how you survive ten minutes without Pepper.
Tony: She doesn’t either.
Natasha: She’d agree with Bruce about the strippers in cakes.
Tony: Yeah, because she’s also no fun.
Tony: Wait.
Tony: Are you watching us?
Tony: Natasha??
Tony: Where are you? Does JARVIS know about this?
Tony: wtf Natasha
Tony: This is just creepy, you know that, right?
Natasha: 0:)
Tony: There is something wrong with you.
Natasha: Clint says hello.
Tony: This is what I get for inviting spies into my home, isn’t it.
Natasha: 0:) 0:)
“Huh?”
“I can practically see the steam shooting out of your ears. Who are you texting?”
“Natasha. Did you know she’s spying on us? Like, currently, right now, hi Natasha, yes, go right ahead and breach my extensive and complex security systems so you can get off watching me and Bruce work, that’s not weird at all.”
“You know she’s a spy, right? Spying is her actual job.”
“Watch it, Banner. Spy or not, this is my tower, no spying, especially on me, and what are you spying for anyway? What is your goal here? Are you trying to steal my secrets, good luck with that, sweetheart, never gonna happen.”
“Or maybe Natasha is amusing herself by preying on your obvious paranoia just to mess with you? Because she’s got a point, this is pretty entertaining.”
“Isn’t it?” Natasha’s voice filled the room. “I thought you might enjoy it.”
“Out, both of you, out of my tower, you too Barton if you’re actually there, pretty sure Natasha was lying about that.”
“Nope, suck it Stark.”
“Jesus, fine, all of you out, only me and Pepper and the bots allowed, unless JARVIS is in on this scheme too, you know I can reprogram you in my sleep, right J? Me, Pepper, Dummy, U, that’s it, because none of them are creepy spies who spy on me.”
“Technically, I wasn’t spying,” Bruce said innocently.
“You enjoyed it.”
“And what about Steve? Can he stay?”
“Gee, I don’t know. Cap, you there? Are you also invading my privacy for shits and giggles or do you actually still have those Star Spangled values and morals even though you’ve been hanging around these assholes for months?”
“He’s not here.”
“So you’re stuck with him. You get Thor, too. You and Cap and Thor, sounds cozy. Me and Tash and Bruce together, watch out.”
“I’m shaking with fear,” Tony said. “Actually, compromise, Bruce can stay as long as he lets me throw him a birthday party. Deal?”
“No deal,” Bruce said, crossing his arms.
“You really are no fun, you know that? Has anyone ever mentioned that you are the opposite of fun?”
“Just you, at least once a week. Come on Tony, it’s not a big deal, can you please stop making it into one? Wait for someone else’s birthday if you’re so set on throwing someone a party.”
“Not someone, you,” Tony responded, mentally weighing his options. He decided that a compromise had a better chance of success than sticking to his guns. “Okay, how about this: you pick dinner, your favorite foods, whatever disgusting rabbit food you want. For your birthday. Would that be acceptable.”
“If it’ll get you to drop the party thing, then yes. That’s fine.”
“Excellent,” Tony said, clapping his hands. “Hear that, Barton? You’re on.”
“Loud and clear. So, Doc, what’s for dinner?”
Natasha: I still don’t like it.
Tony: If you tell him I swear to God I’ll murder you.
Natasha: Am I supposed to be scared?
Natasha: I’m not going to tell him.
Tony: Wait, what, really?
Natasha: Really.
Tony: What changed your mind? My exquisite oratory skills?
Natasha: Don’t push it, Stark. I don’t like it but I won’t ruin it.
“Called what?”
“Never you mind,” Tony said, patting Bruce on the head. “Just keep on planning your birthday dinner, Big Guy.”
“You mean the dinner that just happens to be on my birthday, right?”
“That is exactly what I mean when I say birthday dinner. There is nothing implied there except an evening meal on the anniversary of your birth.”
“And nothing else, right?”
“Nothing else. Oh, except party hats. There may possibly be party hats, come on Bruce, the idea of Thor in a party hat should be enough to get you to allow party hats.”
“There’s no way I’m going to win this argument, is there?”
“Nope,” sang the unseen choir of assholes.
“Fine, okay, party hats, that’s it. I am not going to let you trick me into a birthday party.”
“No trickery over here, besides, I’m off to Japan for business the next couple of days. So unless you think I’ve recruited everyone else to do my dirty business while I’m gone - and I don’t need to tell you how unlikely that would be considering who constitutes ‘everyone else’ - there won’t be time for me to carry out any secret party plans.” Tony crossed his arms and smirked at Bruce.
Natasha: Japan is next week and Pepper's going, not you. Where are you really going?
Tony: Mind your own business. It's a secret.
Natasha: I’ll find out.
Tony: Impossible.
Natasha: Was that a challenge? Accessing flight plans off your private server now.
Natasha: Not Japan, knew it, and this definitely isn't a business trip. What are you up to?
Tony: You’re having a hard time grasping the concept of a secret, aren’t you?
Natasha: Again, I will find out. Halfway there already.
Tony: Don't tell Bruce. Any of this. Please.
Natasha: Fine. But only because I like him.
“Bring me back some of those Green Tea Kit-Kats please! You know, the ones sold exclusively in Japan,” Natasha said sweetly. Tony, glaring, flipped the bird in the general direction of one of JARVIS’ hidden cameras, and left Bruce to his work.
~~~
“I saved a green one just for you.” Tony grinned as he handed Bruce the shiny cardboard party hat.
“How thoughtful. Not wearing it, it’s my birthday, I don’t have to.”
“Wrong,” Tony said. He snatched the hat back and put it on Bruce’s head himself. Resigned to his fate, Bruce barely struggled when Tony stretched the elastic string under his chin to keep the hat in place.
“Green really is your color, Big Guy. Has anyone ever told you that?”
“Original. This is it, right Tony? Hats and dinner. Nothing else.”
“Would I lie to you, Bruce?”
“Yes.”
“Not about something as serious as party hats I wouldn’t.”
“Tony! Bruce!” Steve yelled from the kitchen. “Dinner time!”
“No singing, either,” Bruce hissed as they entered the dining room. Tony didn’t respond as he steered Bruce to the seat at the head of the table. He slid into the seat to Bruce’s right, next to Natasha, and immediately leaned in to straighten Natasha’s party hat. She pushed it off-center again as soon as Tony was done. He was about to try again when the door to the kitchen burst open and Thor, followed by Clint and Steve, walked in carrying trays of food to the table. Clint expertly dodged Natasha’s outstretched foot as he circled the table distributing plates.
“You were right about Thor,” Bruce whispered. Thor did in fact look ridiculous in his party hat, which was blue and looked impossibly tiny sitting in the middle of his head amidst his flowing hair.
Bruce was the last to be served and Tony immediately realized why: someone, probably Clint, had stuck a candle in the middle of Bruce’s plate.
“Happy birthday, Doc,” Clint said, standing behind Bruce's chair. Bruce rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.
“Thank you for making all of this,” Bruce said, turning around to look at Clint. As soon as Bruce’s back was turned, Natasha leaned across the table and lit the candle. She was back in her seat before Tony even processed what she was doing. He glared at her and she shrugged, a hint of a smile dancing on her mouth.
“It was nothing,” Clint said. “Glad to do it.” He patted Bruce on the shoulder as Bruce turned back to the table.
“What the hell,” Bruce startled when he saw the flame. He glared at Tony.
“Wasn’t-- hey!” Tony yelled as Natasha pinched him, hard, on the leg. He kicked at her in retaliation.
“Make a wish!” Pepper called from the other side of the table.
“I wish that nobody sings to me right now.”
“It’s supposed to be a secret wish,” Coulson said. He was sitting between Pepper and Bruce and he might have looked even more ridiculous than Thor in his red party hat.
“Fine,” Bruce said. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, then opened them and blew out the candle. Everyone applauded.
“What’d you wish for?” Tony pestered as they started to eat.
“If I tell you, it won’t come true. Even I know that much.”
The rest of dinner past uneventfully - Clint threw balled up bits of napkin at Coulson until Natasha dropped an ice cube down the back of his shirt, Thor and Steve snuck back into the kitchen for seconds (and thirds), Tony, Bruce, and Natasha argued loudly about who would win in a fight between Batman, Superman, and Nick Fury (and once Coulson weighed in even Tony couldn't argue anyone but Fury as the winner), Thor described in great detail to Clint the differences between vegetarian cuisine of Midgard and Asgard, and Pepper explained the Occupy Wall Street movement to Steve while somehow simultaneously (and unexpectedly) discussing Harry Potter in earnest with Coulson. All in all, an unremarkable Avengers team dinner.
Once he was done eating, Bruce stood up and started to carry his plate to the kitchen.
“Oh no you don’t,” Steve said, hurrying over to intercept the plate. “You’re not doing dishes on your birthday.” Tony could tell Bruce was ready to argue, but decided against it and thanked Steve as he let him take the plate.
“Clint, that was wonderful,” Bruce said as he returned to the table. “You too,” he said to Steve when he returned from the kitchen.
“Happy birthday, Bruce” Steve said, touching Bruce lightly on the arm.
‘I don’t want to seem ungrateful, because I really do appreciate all of this,” Bruce said, hovering behind Tony’s chair. “But I’m exhausted and I should probably call it a night.”
“Nope,” Tony said amidst the chorus of objections from around the table. He reached behind him to grab Bruce’s arm and ended up with a handful of shirt. “Not happening.”
“Tony, come on,” Bruce said, pulling his shirt from Tony’s grasp.
“It’s 8:15.” Tony stood up and walked around Bruce, placing himself between Bruce and the door. “I don’t believe for one second you’re going to bed. I guarantee I’ll find you in the lab at midnight.”
“I’m tired,” Bruce said lamely.
“You can spare a couple of hours to hang out with your friends on your birthday, Bruce. You pick what we’re doing, how about that. Apples to Apples? Charades? Or a movie, whatever you want, I’ll even let you put on Monty Python. I promise.”
“Well,” Bruce said, considering the offer. “I guess I can’t pass up an opportunity to watch you watch Monty Python. Everyone else has really been missing out on the ridiculous faces you make, like I'm torturing you by forcing you to watch.”
“It would be cruel to deprive us of that,” Natasha said from behind Tony. “Especially on your birthday.”
“Okay, okay. One movie, Life of Brian because I know Tony hates that one the most.” Bruce was grinning at Tony and Tony rolled his eyes but couldn’t help grinning right back.
One by one, people began to disappear into the rec room. Tony looked at Pepper and nodded.
“Oh, Bruce, hang on for a minute,” Pepper said, right on cue.
“Sure, what’s up?” Bruce asked as he walked toward Pepper.
Tony lingered near the door to the rec room just long enough to make sure Bruce was sufficiently distracted. This was the part of the evening that had the most potential to go disastrously wrong; Tony figured Bruce's chances of ending up happy or upset were about even and he really didn't like those odds, especially since this was a last-minute addition to the plan. The previous day Pepper had intercepted a piece of Bruce’s mail, a birthday card from Betty Ross. Despite his instincts and curiosity, Tony had listened to Pepper and didn't open the card and therefore had no idea what Betty had written inside. He knew Bruce still loved her, would always love her, and one wrong word from her would be enough to send him spiraling for days. Still, Pepper insisted they not open the card because from everything either of them had heard, Betty was nothing but lovely and would know better than to upset Bruce on his birthday.
Tony held his breath as Bruce slid the card from the envelope and, when Bruce started smiling as he read the small, cramped writing that covered most of the card, Tony breathed and looked over to Pepper. She gave Tony the tiniest of thumbs up and Tony relaxed knowing it would be at least a few minutes before Bruce was ready to leave the dining room.
He slipped through the door into the rec room as quietly as possible, trying not to distract Bruce. Everyone else had decorated earlier that day while Tony kept Bruce busy in the lab so this was his first look at the setup and, thankfully, it looked great. Streamers, balloons, decorations (both Avengers-themed and generic), even Steve’s tablecloths made the whole room look festive, and Tony laughed when he noticed that Thor had gone as far as to adorn the real Mjolnir with streamers.
“Tony!"
“Hey Darcy," Tony said. He was glad to see her; he'd assumed she would come tagging along with Jane as always, but according to Coulson she wasn't Jane's assistant anymore so Tony didn't know if she'd show up. He liked Darcy - Clint had once cracked that if Tony and Pepper ever had a child it would be just like Darcy and he wasn't wrong. She was a lot of fun at parties and, more importantly, Tony wanted to hook her up with Steve (a plan both Pepper and Bruce were in favor of but refused to participate in). “What’s up?”
“Just literally ran over here from work and holy shit, next time I'm splurging for a cab, intern salary be damned...and probably I should’ve found out if I even get paid for today, does orientation count as actual work? It so should. But I made it! Bruce isn't coming yet, right?”
“Nah, JARVIS’ll give us a 30-second warning.”
“Okay, good. Thor’s helping Jane carry her present up and they'll both be upset if they miss that.”
“What did she get him that she can't carry on her own?”
“Can’t tell!” Darcy teased. “But I think he’ll like it. It’s super nerdy.”
Tony considered that but, just as he was about to ask Darcy whether the gift was really big or really heavy (or both), Natasha appeared and pulled Darcy away by the arm. Natasha told Darcy to help Steve hang some balloons and, because balloon-hanging is a one-person job, Darcy ended up just standing by Steve chatting away and occasionally handing him more tape. Natasha was helping Clint hang the giant Hulk banner by the door but she kept glancing over at Steve and Darcy, and Tony realized he might have an ally in playing Cupid.
“You got it?” Coulson said, sneaking up next to Tony.
“Yup, yesterday. Hey, thanks for your help.”
“You're welcome. I hope he likes it. I hope he likes all of this.”
“He will,” Tony said. “Did you see him at dinner? He tried to hide it but he couldn't stop smiling.”
“True,” Coulson said, surveying the room. “It’s good you talked Pepper out of hiring a decorator.”
“He’d hate that, it would be so stuffy and formal. This is perfect, it’s a little messy and disorganized but it’s ours, we did this for him. That’s what he needs, he needs to know he's got people who like him enough to put together a party for him.”
“He’s lucky, you know, that he’s got you. You help him.”
“He helps me right back,” Tony said, smiling. "But I'm not standing around talking about feelings right now, sorry. Nice try.”
“Incoming,” JARVIS announced - his 30-second warning. Everyone scrambled into place, Thor and Jane dashing in at the last moment.
“No shouting, remember,” Tony said. Seconds later, the door opened.
“What the hell,” Bruce said, turning to look at Pepper. She shrugged and smiled as he shook his head. But his smile was there, behind the fake scowl, Tony could see it.
“Happy birthday, Big Guy,” Tony said, walking to Bruce and Pepper. Everyone else echoed Tony, and Bruce hung his head to conceal his blushing.
“I hate you,” Bruce said as Tony put his arm around Bruce’s shoulder.
“Love. I believe the word you’re looking for is love,” Tony said, poking Bruce in the ear until he picked his head up. “That’s more like it. Now c’mon, this is your party, stop looking like you want to go hide.”
“Bruce!” Jane called, rushing toward them. He met her halfway and she threw her arms around him, hugging him while she talked a mile a minute about some of her research she thought he might be interested in.
“Okay, the surprise was a good idea. You were right.” Pepper came over to Tony and slipped her hand into his.
“I usually am,” Tony said, squeezing her hand. “How’d the card go?”
“Fine. He let me read it, it was very sweet. I think it actually put him in a better mood.”
“I get to read it later, right?”
“It’s Bruce's card, ask him.” Pepper kissed him lightly on the cheek, not noticing Natasha sneaking up on her. She laughed as Natasha practically dragged her over to where she’d just been standing with Coulson.
Even at full swing the party was low-key and Tony was a little worried people would get bored and want to leave, but his fears seemed to be unfounded. Most of the attendees saw each other every day but the room was full of lively conversation and laughter regardless. Bruce was still talking to Jane; Thor had joined them and apparently approved of whatever Bruce had just said because he patted him on the back, almost knocking Bruce over on top of Jane. Tony could see Jane tense when Bruce stumbled but relaxed when Bruce's only reaction was laughter. Natasha, Pepper, and Coulson were deep in conversation in the corner by the dining room door. Steve and Darcy were over by the window and Darcy appeared to be teaching him how to do the Macarena. Tony wondered if Darcy hadn't picked up on his plan when she caught him watching and winked.
Clint emerged from the kitchen, wiping his hands dry on his pants, and Tony called him over. They were in the midst of a conversation about the upgrades to Clint's arrows Tony was working on when Coulson stepped into the middle of the room and clapped his hands loud enough for everyone to hear.
“I believe it’s time for dessert. Captain, if you don’t mind...” Coulson gestured to Steve, and Clint whooped in response to the prospect of dessert.
“Right away,” Steve said and hurried into the kitchen. He returned moments later holding a large serving tray piled high with cupcakes which he set down on the table by the door.
“Damn, that’s a lot of cupcakes,” Clint said, stepping forward to examine them.
“That’s because three of us made them,” Darcy said. “Me and Coulson and Natasha.” A few people, Tony included, turned to Natasha in surprise but she remained as unreadable as ever, simply raising an eyebrow at Darcy.
Someone pushed Bruce to the front of the group that had assembled and he stumbled a little as he walked up to the table where Pepper was waiting for him.
“Bruce, I’m so sorry,” Pepper said as she took his hands in hers. “But we’re all going to sing to you now and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Tony joined Bruce and Pepper next to the cupcake table as he sang along. Bruce was blushing harder than he had before but he was smiling and it wasn’t that forced smile Bruce wore when he felt obligated or pressured. It was a real, genuine smile, a smile that he could see in Bruce’s eyes and, when Tony threw his arm around Bruce’s shoulder at the end of the song, Bruce looked at Tony with that smile and Tony’s heart skipped a beat as he smiled back at Bruce and squeezed his shoulder.
“Get a room,” Darcy said, laughing, as she squeezed between them and the table. “Okay Bruce, you get first pick. Coulson’s are red velvet, Natasha made those chocolatey ones, and mine are Funfetti!”
“They all look great,” Bruce said as he pulled away from Tony and stood by Darcy. “But, um, I did actually attend a few birthday parties when I was a kid and when I think about birthday cake...” Bruce trailed off and surveyed the table. “I’ve gotta go with Funfetti.”
Darcy whooped and flung herself at Bruce to give him a hug. Pepper handed Bruce his cupcake on a plate and he stepped back as everyone else lined up (or, in Clint’s case, pushed in front of Natasha so he could pick first) for their cupcake. When Tony reached the table he realized that the cupcakes were being served on his Iron Man plates and he blew Pepper a kiss. He looked the cupcakes over, reached to the very middle of the tray to grab the red velvet with the most frosting, and stepped aside to stand next to Bruce.
“How’s the Funfetti?” Tony asked as he swiped some frosting off Bruce’s cupcake.
“It tastes like birthday,” Bruce said, returning the gesture and licking Tony's frosting off his finger. “Shit, that’s good.”
“Right? Coulson’s been holding out on us. Natasha too, apparently.” He looked at the table in time to see Clint grab the last of Natasha’s cupcakes and immediately start licking the frosting off the top.
“Don’t worry Bruce,” Natasha said, making Tony jump because he was pretty sure she’d been on the other side of the room talking to Thor and Jane, like, a second ago. “Phil and I put some of ours aside because we knew all of these would disappear as soon as they were served. I’ll put them in your fridge later.”
“Thanks Natasha,” Bruce said, but she was already gone.
Just as Natasha had predicted, every cupcake on the tray disappeared. People started to mingle again and Tony invited himself into a conversation with Coulson and Thor after he overheard them talking about weaponry without him, because really? Come on. A few minutes later, while Thor and Coulson argued the effectiveness of a hammer as a modern weapon, Tony noticed Bruce hovering by the door. He was talking to Steve but he was pacing and wringing his hands and Tony knew he was trying to sneak away. He caught eyes with Pepper and she immediately went to Bruce, grabbed his hand, and pulled him to the center of the room.
“So, Bruce,” Tony said, meeting Pepper and Bruce in the center of the room. “There’s some traditional birthday party stuff we decided not to do tonight. No pinata because we've got multiple people with super-strength here and there’s no way that's going to end well. No hiding in the dark and jumping out yelling 'SURPRISE!' for obvious reasons. No cheesy party games, Pin the Tail on the Donkey or whatever, because I don't think anyone actually enjoys that shit, they just put up with it because it's tradition, and screw that. But there’s one thing every birthday party needs, one thing that’s absolutely essential so there's no way we could leave it out. And that thing is presents!”
“Tony, can I talk to you,” Bruce said quietly, shaking his head and grabbing Tony by the arm. Pepper leaned in and whispered something in Bruce's ear; whatever she said earned her a loud sigh and some grumbling, but, grudgingly, Bruce followed her back to the table where presents had replaced the remnants of the cupcakes. Steve carried a small couch over from the other side of the room and put it down next to the table. Pepper practically pushed Bruce onto one side of the couch and sat herself on the opposite arm. She winked at Tony and he quickly joined them, planting himself behind Bruce, leaning over the back of the sofa. Everyone else had gathered around them, Coulson and Natasha standing together by the wall, Thor and Jane sitting on the floor, Steve and Darcy on another couch Steve had just brought over (Darcy was not-so-subtly inching her way toward Steve’s end of the couch and Steve appeared to be letting her), and Clint manning the gift table.
“You guys really shouldn't have...”
“Shut up,” Tony and Clint said simultaneously, cutting Bruce off.
“Okay, me first,” Clint said. He threw a small box at Bruce. Bruce caught it, unwrapped it, and opened it to reveal a tiny Hulk action figure holding a sheet of round green label stickers between its hands.
“There’s 12 of them,” Clint said. “So once a month, or, you know, just any random 12 days this year, I will make whatever you want for dinner. Just claim your days with the stickers on that calendar of Coulson's that nobody ever touches.”
“Thank you, Clint,” Bruce said as he placed the stickers back in the box and put it next to him on the sofa. Before Bruce could get to it, Tony reached over his shoulder and snatched the tiny Hulk away from him. Bruce took it back and, unexpectedly, sat the action figure down on top of the box next to him. He patted the tiny Hulk lightly on the head before he turned back to the group.
“Me next,” Darcy said, raising her hand. “That one, the square one with the big bow. Don’t throw it!”
Clint handed the box to Bruce who peeled the bow off and stuck it to Tony’s chest like a badge. Tony immediately put it on Bruce’s head, next to his party hat, and Bruce left it alone.
Darcy gave Bruce an alarm clock for the lab. Instead of telling time, the clock could be set to ring obnoxiously while displaying messages like "Eat actual food," "Have you seen the sun lately?" and "Sleep is not optional." Bruce laughed and thanked Darcy, who explained she’d given one to Jane the previous year and was pretty sure the clock is the only reason Jane remembers to shower on a regular basis.
Thor gave Bruce several pouches containing different types of Asgardian tea (and, a little while later, Jane thankfully informed Bruce that it was all normal tea except for the red leaves, which had hallucinogenic properties), Coulson presented 2 boxes of Bruce’s favorite pens (which, at the rate Bruce loses, breaks, and chews through them, should last him maybe a month), and Steve sheepishly handed Bruce a tube-shaped gift, wrapped and tied with a bow. Bruce carefully unwrapped the tube and unrolled the paper inside to reveal a picture Steve had drawn of Bruce and Tony in the lab, engrossed in their work, both smiling.
“I wanted to draw you when you were relaxed," Steve explained, "and I realized that you always look happiest when you’re working with Tony.” Bruce thanked Steve and started to roll the picture back up when he noticed another sheet of paper underneath the drawing. He looked up at Steve and Steve immediately turned red.
“Um, it’s...it’s just some sketches, and please don’t be mad, I’m not trying to be mean, I just...” He stopped as Bruce revealed the second page. It was filled with sketches of the Hulk, interspersed with some sketches of Bruce himself. Some of the sketches were cartoon-like but some were more realistic and Tony had to hand it to Steve, the detailing on those was incredible. Bruce ran his fingers lightly over each sketch as Steve hovered anxiously, waiting for Bruce’s reaction.
“Steve, this is...thank you,” Bruce said. “It’s incredible.” Steve’s relief was palpable as he relaxed his posture and smiled. Tony followed Bruce's hand as he moved it from sketch to sketch but he had to look away as Bruce lingered on the bottom corner of the page, where a lifelike Hulk had just grabbed Iron Man out of the sky and was gently cradling the limp suit as he jumped to safety. Finally Bruce rolled both pictures up, slid them back into the tube, and placed the tube next to him on the sofa, behind Clint's gift.
“Whose is this...Jesus, what’s in here?” Clint grunted as he tried to lift the large box, then settled for sliding it across the floor.
“It’s mine! Sorry!” Jane said as Thor stepped forward, lifted the box with ease, and placed it gently at Bruce’s feet.
“Um, before you open it,” Jane said quickly. “It’s weird, I know, but I just thought you’d like them.” Bruce gently unwrapped the box and opened it as Tony craned his neck to see around Bruce’s head.
“Are these...”
“Scientific journals!” Jane finished. “Some of them are outdated by now but I still thought you’d be interested...” Bruce thumbed through the journal he’d picked up, clearly confused but appreciative. Jane watched him nervously and her face fell little by little every second that passed without a response from Bruce. An awkward silence filled the room and, just as Bruce cleared his throat, Darcy shouted "Oh!" and lunged across the couch, over Steve’s lap, toward Jane.
“You didn’t tell him why!”
“Oh!” Jane’s face lit up again. “Oh my god, Bruce, they’re all journals from when you were gone. I figured you missed a lot, I tried to pick out ones I thought you’d like. I’ve got more if you want, you’re basically the only other person I know who still likes reading actual journals instead of just articles online...”
“Jane,” Bruce said, cutting her off with a smile. “Thank you.” He sifted through the box with renewed interest. “Where did you get all of these?”
“Jane’s kind of a hoarder,” Darcy said, talking loudly over Jane’s objections. “She’s got a storage unit full of crap like this, literally filled, it took us days to go through these and you can barely tell we were even in there.”
“I am not a hoarder.”
“I said kind of!”
“Bruce, there are plenty more where those came from. I’ll take you out there sometime if you want.”
“That’d be great, Jane.” Bruce skimmed the cover of a journal, snorted a laugh, and handed it over his shoulder to Tony. Tony realized one of his own papers was published in it (The Effectiveness of Badassium as Palladium Substitute in Miniaturized Arc Reactor Technology: A Qualitative Study in Awesome by A.E. Stark) and he passed it to Pepper because she was constantly giving him shit about never telling her when he was published so she could save a copy (“Print is dead, Potts, JARVIS can get you any article you want whenever you want it.”). Tony leaned over Bruce again, reading over his shoulder and commenting whenever he recognized a name as Bruce shuffled through the box. Jane had come up to join him and was rapid-fire explaining her logic behind including each volume.
“Okay, this nerd love fest is touching, I am touched by what’s going on right now, but I’m pretty sure we’re in the middle of a party, not a science fair, and Doc’s still got presents to open.” Clint elbowed Thor, who quickly moved the box of journals to the side of the couch. Jane whispered quickly in Bruce’s ear, earning her a hug, and then returned to her seat, tugging Thor behind her by the sleeve.
“Tash, this one’s yours, right?” Clint asked. Natasha nodded briskly, then immediately glared as Clint moved to toss the box. Clint rolled his eyes, then handed the box to Bruce. He opened it and started laughing as soon as he saw what was inside. From what Tony could tell, Natasha's gift appeared to be a small crystal parrot and a few packages of Green Tea Kit-Kats. Bruce was holding the parrot in his palm and laughing as he thanked Natasha. Tony looked at Pepper to see if she had any idea what was going on, but she looked as confused as he did and, Tony noticed, so did everyone else.
"What's with the parrot?" Tony whispered in Bruce's ear once he stopped laughing.
"Long story," Bruce said, still holding it in his palm. "Just a joke between me and Natasha, you wouldn't get it." From Bruce's tone of voice and the look on Natasha's face, that comment was meant to annoy Tony and he hated that it did, almost as much as he hated Bruce and Natasha having inside jokes.
"Calm down Stark, I'm not stealing your science bro," Natasha said, smirking. "Don't be jealous."
"Not jealous," Tony mumbled, crossing his arms. Bruce laughed again while he put the parrot back in its box and added it to the pile.
“And this one is...” Clint scanned the room to see who was left.
“Mine!” Pepper said, surprising Tony because she hadn't mentioned getting Bruce anything on top of their combined gift. “You can throw it if you want.”
“Sweet,” Clint said. The box was pretty big and Tony braced himself to help catch it, but it was much lighter than it looked and Bruce caught it easily.
“Bruce, it’s just something silly and please don’t take it the wrong way. I just know how difficult working with Tony all day can be and when I saw this, I figured it was appropriate.”
“Hey!” Tony said, glaring at Pepper. “I am a delight to work with.” Bruce and Pepper snorted in laughter simultaneously and Tony flipped each of them off as Bruce unwrapped the box. Tony had to hold his laughter back when he saw what Pepper had given Bruce. It was one of the many Avengers-branded toys that had been produced after New York, and the box featured a decent rendition of the Hulk in action. Inside the box was a pair of oversized green fists, essentially giant green boxing gloves. They were made of foam and Pepper had attached a note to the right fist: “Directions for use: Apply liberally to the pain in the ass. Repeat as necessary.” Tony glanced to Pepper, sticking his tongue out at her while giving her a thumbs up, but she was biting her lip and her eyes were fixed on Bruce, who was opening the box slowly, pondering its contents. Tony could tell an apology was on the tip of Pepper’s tongue and he reached his hand out towards hers. Maybe Bruce didn’t think it was funny but he had to know Pepper hadn’t meant anything by giving it to him. Her heart was almost always in the right place, especially when-
“Ow!” Tony spun back around and found a snickering Bruce holding a Hulk fist in the air triumphantly, having successfully punched Tony in the back of the head.
“Gimmie that,” Tony said as he grabbed at the other fist, but Bruce slipped his hand inside and smashed both fists together, narrowing his eyes at Tony and grunting. He aimed for Tony’s head again and Tony lunged, reaching for Bruce’s hands, but Bruce tossed the fists to Pepper before Tony could get at them.
“Thanks Pepper, these are great and I know I’ll be getting a lot of use out of them,” Bruce said, smiling, as he batted Tony’s hand away from his face.
“And this,” Pepper said, holding a large envelope between her two Hulk fists, “is from me and Tony.”
“And if I hear a single word about how we shouldn’t have, Bruce Banner, I will have Dummy follow you around with the fire extinguisher, all day, every day. And Dummy takes fire extinguisher duty very seriously.” Tony plucked the envelope from Pepper’s fists and handed it to Bruce.
“What the hell...” Bruce muttered under his breath as he opened the envelope and gently slid the oversized check out.
“$5000 to Partners in Health,” Tony said.
“Donated anonymously,” Pepper added.
“You guys,” Bruce began, but Tony shushed him.
“What did I say, fire extinguisher, remember? And before you start, it’s not like we don’t have the money, you know. And since you said you didn’t need anything...”
“We figured you wouldn’t object to helping out people who do,” Pepper finished, now standing next to Bruce. She squeezed Bruce’s shoulder as he stared at the check.
“You okay, Big Guy?” Tony asked, just noticing how much Bruce's hands were shaking.
“Pepper, Tony...this is...thank you,” Bruce stared at the check for another moment, then carefully put the check back in the envelope and, after placing it with his other gifts, stood up and turned to face Tony and Pepper. Bruce was absolutely beaming as he embraced Pepper first, followed by Tony.
“Get a room!” Darcy shouted again. Bruce blushed as Tony gave her the finger.
“Thanks you guys, for making the rest of us look bad.” Clint grumbled, but he was grinning and, as Bruce started to apologize, he held his hand up to quiet him. “Kidding, kidding. Stark might literally be throwing money at you but I’d like to see him cook you dinner.”
“No you wouldn’t,” chorused Bruce and Pepper, and Tony shrugged because he’d be the first to admit he was an absolutely terrible cook.
“Thank you, everyone,” Bruce stood up, addressing the room. “You don’t know how much this means to me, every part of it, and I can’t thank you enough.” A few people aww’d (Thor among them).
“This was all because of Tony,” Steve said.
“Steve’s right. Tony basically strong-armed us all into going along with this - despite some of our better instincts,” Natasha said, smirking.
“I had to do it, Bruce,” Tony said, walking out from behind the couch. “Everyone deserves a real birthday party at least once in their life.” Tony noticed Clint staring at him and, once he realized Tony was looking, Clint tilted his head the slightest bit toward Natasha. Tony raised an eyebrow and, upon Clint’s smile, nodded briskly.
“Still, thank you,” Bruce said, touching Tony on the shoulder.
“So, about that movie,” Pepper said slowly, giving Tony a look. He knew that was his cue.
“Dammit Pep, I was hoping he’d forget with all this excitement,” Tony said, making Bruce laugh. “Oh, hey, Bruce! I’ve got one more thing for you, I forgot. Let me go get it.”
“Tony,” Bruce said seriously. “You didn’t have to-”
“Shut it, Banner. It’s nothing big, just a little something I found while I was away this week. Thought you might like it. Stay here, it’s just upstairs.” Tony grinned at Bruce who rolled his eyes and turned to Steve and Darcy, who had made their way to the center of the room. Tony could hear Bruce again complementing Steve’s art as he turned the corner to the elevator.
He only had to go up two floors but the butterflies in Tony’s stomach made the trip seem much longer.
“Okay dude,” Tony said as he opened the door to the lounge. “You’re up.” Tony knelt down to hook the leash to the dog’s collar. The dog, still wary of Tony but not nearly as scared as he’d been on the flight back from Brazil, cooperated as Tony leashed him but held back when Tony tried to lead him to the elevator.
“It’s okay, come on,” Tony said softly, trying to keep the dog as calm as possible. The dog inched behind Tony and relaxed as Tony scratched him behind the ears.
“Cross your fingers this works out,” Tony muttered. “Or your paws, whatever, you know what I mean.” He took a deep breath as he looked closely at the dog. He was average in every way, indistinguishable from the other strays that populated the streets by Bruce’s old apartment. His muzzle was flecked with gray but age hadn't dulled his senses - his brown eyes were bright and his ears, erect and pointy, twitched and moved in response to even the slightest sounds. This dog didn't miss anything. Tony took another deep breath as he led the dog into the elevator. He realized his palms were sweaty and he tried to suppress his anxiety as the elevator stopped and let them off.
“Bruce, close your eyes!” Tony called from the hallway, out of sight of the party. He waited a moment, the dog hesitantly sniffing the floor by his feet, until Thor’s voice boomed, confirming that Bruce’s eyes were shut.
“Here we go...” Tony muttered as he led the dog around the corner. He immediately shushed the various reactions, Darcy’s squeal and Natasha’s audible gasp, and sat the dog at his feet, directly across from Bruce and Pepper, still standing where he’d left them by the couch.
“Okay, open up,” Tony said, his stare fixed on Bruce’s face as he squinted his eyes open. Bruce was confused as he looked at Tony but, almost immediately, his eyes widened and he gasped.
“Tony...” Bruce breathed, his eyes darting from the dog to Tony, then back to the dog. Tony only grinned in response to Bruce’s floundering. The dog stood up, watching Bruce with interest, but still hung back by Tony’s feet.
“Tony, that’s not...there’s no way...that can’t be...Muttnik?” A huge smile broke out on Bruce’s face when the dog immediately cocked his head upon hearing what was apparently his name. Hesitantly, Bruce stepped forward (at Pepper’s urging), one hand extended before him, and crouched down so the dog could reach him.
“Muttnik? Seriously? And you say I’m terrible at naming things,” Tony said lightly as he let the leash go slack in his hands. Tentatively, the dog stepped forward, sniffing the air as he approached Bruce. Bruce was still as the dog reached him - Tony could tell he was holding his breath - and the room was silent for a long moment as the dog carefully smelled Bruce’s hand.
Then the dog’s tail started to wag and the sniffing turned into licking, and Tony relaxed the muscles he hadn't realized were tensed as Bruce dropped to his knees and let the dog climb onto his lap and smell his face. Everyone’s eyes were riveted on Bruce as he reunited with his long lost dog; Coulson, Natasha, and Pepper aside, none of them knew the story behind Muttnik but it didn’t seem to matter. Bruce’s obvious joy was enough to make anyone smile (or even cry, because both Pepper and Darcy were crying and, to Tony’s surprise, Steve appeared to be making a valiant effort to disguise the tears building up in his eyes).
“Stark.” Tony jumped as Natasha whispered in his ear. He wasn’t expecting the look she was giving him; she was smiling an actual smile, genuine and natural instead of the tightly controlled smirk he was used to. Her eyes were warm and her face was gentle and those were two words Tony never thought he'd use to describe Natasha.
“You did good. Look at him.” She was gone before Tony could reply.
“Tony, oh my god,” Bruce said. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor scratching the wiggling dog as Muttnik licked his arm. “How the hell did you find him?”
“That was all Coulson,” Tony said, gesturing to Coulson who was a few feet away, chatting with Thor and Darcy. When he heard his name, Coulson excused himself and came over to stand with Tony.
“I helped but I’d hardly consider it all me,” Coulson said as Bruce beamed at him.
“I had your file from Brazil but Coulson filled in a bunch of blanks.”
“Still, I can’t believe you found him. I didn’t even know if he was alive, I heard a shot while I was running away. I thought they got him.”
“They did - but with a tranq. He was still out cold when SHIELD showed up.”
“Ross and his thugs left him lying there and we brought him in with all the other stuff we got from your apartment. Kept him for ten days, testing him - no, no, not like that, blood tests, urine and stool samples, and some endurance testing mostly, nothing your average vet wouldn't do. We needed to find out if his exposure to you affected him in any way, he was the first living thing that had extended close contact with you after the accident.”
“And...”
“Normal. The dog was normal, the fleas were normal too, everything was normal. He's on the smart side, as far as dogs go, but not a single trace of gamma. So we released him back where we'd found him - standard SHIELD procedure - after we microchipped him. Also standard procedure. So really, after Stark called, all I had to do was dig up his microchip number and his drop location and borrow a microchip scanner. He did the rest.”
“Wait, Tony, did you go down there to find him? By yourself?”
“I did. Pepper and Coulson were the only ones who knew I wasn’t in Japan. It took three days because apparently SHIELD decided not to photograph any of your stuff when they inventoried it and the best description I could get out of this one here was 'dark and medium sized with pointy ears'. Did you know there are about a million street dogs in that town and at least 80% of them are dark and medium sized with pointy ears? I scanned a lot of dogs, is what I’m saying. I was pretty pissed when I found him down the street from your place. Street dog but this little old lady had a pack of ‘em that she fed every night. She gave me shit when I showed up, almost wouldn't let me have him. But I explained and she remembered you, even before she saw your picture, and it was no problem after that. And yes, I paid her, I know that face. C’mon. I overpaid her, generously, and, oh, she says happy birthday, by the way.”
“God, Tony, I honestly don’t know what to say,” Bruce stood up and walked to Tony, Muttnik following at his heels.
“I’m amazing? You’ve never met anyone as wonderful as me? You’ll be forever in my debt? I can keep going if you want.” Tony dodged Bruce’s playful smack.
“I can’t believe you found him,” was what Bruce settled for before he turned around to introduce Muttnik to the crowd that had assembled behind him (a crowd consisting of Darcy, Steve, Thor, Clint, and Coulson).
“You were right,” Pepper whispered as she leaned on Tony's shoulder.
“Pep, what did we say about stating the obvious? Not that I mind, go ahead and tell me how right I am all day long, but there’s really no need to restate indisputable facts. Since you brought it up, though, what specifically am I right about now?”
“All of this,” Pepper said. “It was perfect and it was exactly what he needed. Look how happy he is, Tony. We both know how hard that is for him.”
“That’s all I wanted to do, you know. Make him happy. That’s why I did this, because he’s too goddamn stubborn to let himself be happy on his own. He had to be forced into it, yeah, it could’ve gone wrong, but it didn’t, it worked, just like I said all along.”
“Mr. Stark,” Pepper mused, smiling. “You’d be ruined if the world knew what a good man you are underneath all that ego.”
“It's a good thing you can keep a secret, then, Ms. Potts.” Tony leaned in and kissed her.
“Also get a room,” Darcy said as she walked by. “A different room, you've only got like a million of them, pick one or, hell, the same room for all three of you if you want...” Darcy gasped a little when her brain caught up to her mouth. She looked at them for an answer to the implied question and her eyes widened the tiniest bit when all she got was a serene smile from Pepper and an obnoxious eyebrow wiggle from Tony. Darcy stared for a second or two, then relaxed, smiling, and shrugged.
“Rock on.” Darcy sauntered back to Steve and Clint but Tony caught her glancing over her shoulder at them and then at Bruce.
People were starting to settle down and Pepper took the hint when JARVIS dimmed the lights a bit.
“So, Bruce, how about that movie?” Pepper said as she clapped her hands and made her way to Bruce. Suddenly Steve and Thor were rearranging the furniture for optimal movie watching, Clint and Natasha vanished into the kitchen, and Coulson was helping Bruce arrange his gifts on the table. Tony was trying to sneak up on Darcy to interrogate her about Steve when JARVIS interrupted.
“Sir, Colonel Rhodes is on the phone.” JARVIS spoke softly but it was still enough for everyone to hear.
“I’ll call him back later. Or tomorrow. Right now I’m busy.”
“Colonel Rhodes apologizes but insists he speak with you now.”
“Is he okay?” Tony asked, starting to worry because he was usually the one to insist on interrupting Rhodey no matter what he was doing for a call, not the other way around. “Do I need to go get the suit?”
“Colonel Rhodes assures me he is not bodily injured and does not currently require your presence. However, he is in need of your assistance and will keep calling until you take his call. Also, Dr. Banner, Colonel Rhodes apologizes for interrupting your party and regrets that he could not attend, but wishes you a happy birthday, regardless.”
“Um, thanks?” Bruce said from the couch. “Tony, go. You hate this movie anyway,” Bruce said as he peered over the back of the couch and caught a glimpse of Tony’s apologetic face.
“Yeah, but I love bitching about how much I hate it,” Tony said as he walked toward the elevator. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Was that a threat? I feel threatened,” Clint said, emerging from the kitchen carrying bowls of hot popcorn. Tony rolled his eyes at Clint, then took the elevator to the lab and told JARVIS to put Rhodey through.
~~~~~~
“Is Rhodey okay?” Pepper whispered as Tony came back to the party.
“Yeah, had to troubleshoot him through reversing the repulsor polarity and rebooting the HUD, I don’t know what the hell he did but he was in the middle of the desert and couldn’t fly because the suit didn’t know up from down. This patch will get him home but he’s coming by tomorrow so I can take a look. How’s things here?”
“Fine. Everyone’s basically settled down. Turns out Thor loves Monty Python, almost as much as he loves popcorn. Poor Clint keeps having to go make more.”
“Don’t think he minds much,” Tony muttered as he spotted Clint sitting in the back of the room making pained faces at every joke. “C’mon, let’s sit.”
“You go. I don’t feel like sitting.” Pepper gave Tony a peck on the cheek and resumed her position leaning against the wall. Tony shook his head; Pepper just couldn't resist the urge to oversee everything, not even during a party.
Tony carefully made his way across the room, trying to avoid bumping into anything or stepping on anyone. Thor was sitting on the floor again, close to the TV, his face lit up by the screen. Jane was curled up next to him, her head in his lap, and she kept sneaking her hand into his popcorn when he wasn’t looking. Tony smiled when he saw Steve and Darcy; Steve had fallen asleep and his head was leaning on Darcy’s shoulder. Darcy was beaming and she winked at Tony when he gave her a thumbs up as he walked by.
Clint was still in the back of the room, slouching in his chair. He tossed a piece of popcorn in the air and caught it easily in his mouth. When he saw Tony he mimed hanging himself and Tony nodded in agreement. As Tony walked by, Clint threw a piece of popcorn at Natasha, who was sitting on a couch with Coulson. Natasha sat at one end with her legs tucked up underneath her and, when the popcorn bounced off the back of her head, she snapped around in Clint’s direction and hissed curses at him in Russian. Coulson had his bare feet up on the coffee table and was thoroughly enjoying the movie, tossing small handfuls of popcorn in his mouth between laughs.
Finally Tony found Bruce and wished he could tell JARVIS to take a picture without disturbing anything. Bruce was sitting reclined in a loveseat, his feet up and his head back. Muttnik was curled up next to him, asleep with his head in Bruce’s lap. Bruce was scratching Muttnik lazily behind the ears. Bruce's eyes were half shut and he was smiling a small, serene smile. He looked more relaxed than Tony had ever seen him and he considered sitting on the floor so as not to disturb Bruce’s peace. Before he could move, Bruce spotted him and picked his head up. He smiled at Tony and jerked his head, motioning for him to come take the empty seat next to him. Tony smiled back and made his way to Bruce, slinking down into the seat as lightly as possible.
“How’s Rhodey?” Bruce whispered.
“Fine. Suit malfunction, fixed it for now but I've gotta take a look tomorrow.”
“Hmm,” Bruce sighed. Then, after a moment: “Hey, Tony?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for not listening to me. About the party.”
“Anytime. I’m very good at not listening, especially when it’s for someone’s own good.”
“And thank you for Muttnik. I still can’t believe you found him.”
“If I’d known you named him Muttnik I would’ve left him in Brazil.” Bruce snorted in reply, then turned his attention back to the movie.
Tony was surprised when, in the middle of laughing hard enough to wake up Muttnik, Bruce snaked his arm around Tony’s shoulders and gently pulled Tony toward him. Tony smiled and snuggled against Bruce, laying his head against Bruce’s reclined chest while Bruce curled his arm down Tony's side, his hand coming to rest on Tony’s hip. They sat like that in silence (except when Bruce dropped a handful of popcorn on Tony’s face), Bruce watching the movie and occasionally drumming his fingers on Tony’s hip and Tony looking up at Bruce, then looking across the room at Pepper, then nuzzling lightly against Bruce again. A little while later Pepper joined them, squeezing between Tony and the arm of the couch and curling herself around Tony. Bruce reached over to grasp her hand and she reached her other hand across Tony's body while she nuzzled the back of his neck. Pepper was asleep almost immediately and, after a few minutes, Tony could feel Bruce’s breathing change when he started to fall asleep. Tony debated waking both of them up, but resisted the urge (mostly because it was Bruce's birthday) and let them sleep while he thought about the party and how awesome it was and, by association, how awesome he was at throwing parties and why didn’t he do that more often anyway, throw awesome parties? He should really get on that.
“Psst, Bruce, Pepper,” Tony hissed, his self-restraint lasting approximately two minutes. He poked Bruce in the shoulder and nudged Pepper's arm with his face. “Pep? Bruce?”
“Hmm?” Bruce answered, still half asleep. Pepper stirred but didn't respond.
"When's Natasha's birthday?”