Chapter Text
Breathe in...Breathe Out.
He felt as though someone had a hand wrapped around his lungs and keep squeezing causing his breathing to get progressively worse. Even though he had tried everything to calm it down, it would slow only for a few breaths before turning into gasps for air again. Tears were flowing freely down his cheeks as he remained curled up in a ball stationed in the handicap stall of one of the bathrooms of an academic building. From all the tears his vision was blurry as the sounds of his short breathes and choked sobs filled the silent bathroom making the air around him seemingly thicker.
Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Worthless. Worthless.
These words and multiple others were screaming inside his head repeatedly. He wasn’t sure if it was his own voice or someone else's but all he knew was how much pain he felt in that moment. The male wanted to die with everything in him and all he wished was for the safety and isolation of his dorm room. There lied the problem; his dorm was a good mile or two away from the academic building he was hiding in. He knew he wasn’t going to make it with his mental state being fucked up this bad. Running through the options of what to do the first thing was to calm down by how could he? The male had been trying to do that for the past forty minutes. Another option was to cut considering how it always brought a calming over him in situations like this. That idea was quickly scrapped as he had nothing to cut himself with (besides he refused harming himself in a public place). Next choice of action was to call a friend and he made a vow to himself long ago to not bring anyone in on his problems. The thought alone made him feel a twist in his stomach; his instincts completely resenting the idea. Thinking further he wasn’t sure what was left to do, with adrenaline pumping through him his mind wasn’t clear and all he could think of was how to make himself feel normal and in control again.
On a brief and not thought through decision he pulled his phone out of his pocket not even seeming to notice how bad his hands were shaking. He clicked on the most recent called, the blurriness of his vision impairing him from reading the contact name. All he knew is that he needed someone, anyone right now. It took a few toned rings before a voice he hadn’t wanted or expected to speak, “Hey mullet, what’s up?” Lance. Out of all people he had to call the one person that grated on his nerves the most, the one that was definition of an irritation. “N-Nevermind,” He muttered his voice sounding raw and cracking in multiple places which surprised himself and probably the male on the other side of the line. Pulling the phone away from his ear he heard Lance speak but the words were indistinguishable from the low volume as he hung up the call. Running one of his shaking hands through his hair he went to put his phone down. But before it could touch the ground he felt it vibrate.
Regretting his decision with everything in him, he looked at his phone to see Lance was calling him. Briefly he bit his bottom lip, his breathing still uneven leading to him constructing airflow even more in those brief seconds. It didn't take to long before he was coughing with the release of his lip. Taking the bottom of his shirt he wiped his tears trying to get himself together deciding on a whim to answer and just say everything was okay. He lied to himself that the other wouldn’t know how broken he felt and how much weight was pressing down on him. Every one of his actions and choices not being premeditated. Pressing the answer call button he pulled it immediately to his ear, “Thank god, Keith! Are you okay?” The others voice was filled with concern and the words seem to send Keith into a deeper pit of regret.
You know you’re not okay. Disgusting piece of shit.
His thoughts seem to come alive once again and he couldn’t hold back the choked sob noise that came from him. “Keith,” Lance said his name so softly and so filled with worry it seemed to squeeze the receivers heart. Something in him broke in that moment and before he could stop himself he was sobbing uncontrollably again, “I wanna die,” Those were the words that slipped through his lips and the horrible part of it was how true those words were in that moment. He was in so much pain that he just wanted it to end with everything in him, even it meant his death. Keith knew it wouldn’t be true when he was stable but he wasn’t. “I wanna die so bad, I’m just...I’m just so tired of it. I hate feeling this way all the damn time. Everyday, everyday I have to deal with this shit. I hate it, I hate it all. Please,” He begged full heartedly, sounding as broken as he was as his breathing remained short and rapid. His fingernails now dug into the skin of the side of his wrist: an attempt to use the pain to ground himself. Silence was what he heard from the other side of the phone which he assumed was Lance taking in his words. It was weird not hearing the other one not immediately respond. “Where are you? I can’t do this over the phone,” Keith’s heart beat faster at the anxiety of Lance seeming him like this but it seemed like the only option. He had reached out because he secretly needed someone right now even if his own thoughts rejected the idea. Also he knew Lance, and he knew that he wouldn't stop until he found him. “I-I’m in Renning’s Hall,”
Keith had expected Lance to hang up after that but instead he stayed on the phone with him as he continued his uncontrollable rapid breaths and crying. His thoughts didn’t stop but seem to wrap around the idea of Lance coming to save him.
Weakling. You just had to call someone. Weak. Weakling. Why would he care? Disgusting.
His thoughts didn’t stop and he kept whispering for them to. Lance didn’t comment on them but Keith was pretty sure they were heard. “I’m in the building which floor’s bathroom are you in?” Keith felt his heart sped up in nervousness as he felt the need to flee and not let Lance witness this. But it was too late now and he repeated this to himself. “Ground,” His voice cracked again and god he sounded pathetic. He heard the sound of shuffling come from the phone as he decided to place it on the ground with Lance on speaker only to curl up further into himself. He kept repeating to himself to calm down but it just wasn’t happening. A part of him was honestly surprised he hadn’t passed out by now from how long he had been hyperventilating but he couldn’t deny he felt a lightheadedness forming in the back of his head.
Drowning in his own thoughts he didn’t notice how fast those few minutes passed and before he knew it he heard the bathrooms door open with a loud squeak. The noise shocked him causing him to let go of his wrist and try to scoot further into the corner. “Keith?” Hearing his voice in person sent a weird shiver through him with both relief and anxiety flowing through him. A few footsteps echoed in the empty bathroom and he saw the stall door shake and heard the rattling sound, but somehow it didn’t seem to register as someone was trying to reach out and help him. “Let me in please,” Hearing Lance beg was something Keith was not accustomed to, and the vulnerable tone sounded foreign to his ears. Weighing his options out once more he realized that Lance wouldn’t leave, hell he would probably crawl underneath the stall to get to him.
Sighing Keith scooted over a couple inches towards the door reaching for it while his hands still shook. He couldn’t help but stop and stare at his own hand for a couple seconds as if his mental breakdown hadn’t sunk in enough. This only lasted a couple seconds before Lance’s voice broke his gaze, “Keith?” Taking in a deep breath and letting it out labored he unlocked the door with a simple switch. He didn't hesitate in moving himself back to where he sat previously in a quick motion. He hugged his legs tight to his chest as he choked back the sob that wanted to escape. Holding it in made him cough again; each time he coughed his throat felt more and more agitated and it seemed to be a reminder of how long he had been in this stall. Hearing the loud screech of the bathroom stall door opening the male couldn’t help but look up to see Lance. The two of them met eyes and Keith felt like a caged animal. He couldn’t escape the way Lance looked at him; he didn't focus in on his bloodshot eyes but he seemed to scan Keith’s whole body. His face practically screamed pity in Keith’s eyes but he could also see the worry and the shock that lied there. His lungs squeezed almost tighter from the gaze causing him to cough again which seem to break the atmosphere that had developed between the two of them.
Lance walked over to the mess named Keith only to stop right in front of him, his face showed signs of uncertainty which Keith assumed he just didn’t know what to do with his current state. Stopping and standing there a couple seconds the sounds that filled the bathroom were once again Keith’s strained breaths. Snapping out of it in some way after a couple seconds he turned and closed the stalls door locking it. While Keith watched him attentively the latino male came back over to him but this time moved and sat next to him.
Silence settled between them and Keith thought he would have found comfort in the other but instead it felt worse. He shoved his head into his knees wishing for it all to end. It had been a couple seconds but suddenly Lance spoke. “You know how this morning it was cold out? Like fuck I thought I would be okay with a jacket but then the universe had to screw me over with that windchill and made it feel like it was in the negatives. You know it’s fucking cold when your windows are frozen over. I was almost late to class because it was taking forever to melt. I made it there just on time and the professor still gave me the stink eye! I swear Mr. Iverson hates me.” Keith hadn’t expected him to talk about something so random but he was grateful. Even though he wouldn’t admit it out loud, Lance’s obnoxious voice actually soothed him in some weird way. So he just sat there staring at the stained marble floor while listening intently to Lance as he went on and on about his day, and Keith could feel himself begin to relax. His breath had gone back to normal and after a while his whole body turned lax. He still coughed now and then from shortening his breaths for so long but he could feel himself settle into the numb state he always had after crying his soul out. Hesitantly he shuffled over closer to the other male hesitantly resting his head on the other’s shoulder, a sudden tiredness hitting him all at once. Lance’s talking was unfazed by this but Keith couldn’t help but notice the flicker of a smile on his lips. He would be okay for now but he could already feel anxiety about having to explain his breakdown to Lance later. Keith wished with everything in him that the latino boy would just forget everything and never bring it up again.