Jmnzy
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Summary
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Comments:
- 7,507
- Kudos:
- 31,635
- Bookmarks:
- 12,550
- Hits:
- 1,927,660
Bookmarked by Jmnzy
03 Jul 2026
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Summary
After the war, Draco Malfoy seeks refuge from infamy in the Muggle world. A friendly Muggle couple takes him under their wing, but there’s a problem: they are intent on setting him up with their best friend, Hermione Granger.
Or, in which the Muggle friends Hermione Granger undoubtedly would have had will not take no for an answer.
Series
- Part 1 of The Meet Your Match Universe
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 121,611
- Chapters:
- 26/26
- Collections:
- 58
- Comments:
- 2,752
- Kudos:
- 22,017
- Bookmarks:
- 9,167
- Hits:
- 1,162,140
Bookmarked by Jmnzy
03 Jul 2026
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Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love by isthisselfcare
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
08 Apr 2022
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Summary
Hermione straddles the Muggle and Magical worlds as a medical researcher and Healer about to make a big discovery. Draco is an Auror assigned to protect her from forces unknown – to both of their displeasure.
Features hyper-competent, fiery Hermione and lazy, yet dangerous, Draco. Slow burn.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 199,548
- Chapters:
- 36/36
- Collections:
- 206
- Comments:
- 13,467
- Kudos:
- 101,919
- Bookmarks:
- 31,279
- Hits:
- 5,519,583
Bookmarked by Jmnzy
03 Jul 2026
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Summary
It’s 2008 and Draco Malfoy is a secret assassin. It's legitimate - he gets paid for it, and some higher ups in the Ministry (probably?) know he’s out there… killing people. He’s quite good, but that tracks with his dubious accounting of rights and wrongs and his penchant for self-preservation. During his downtime he does a great job of acting like a pureblood in penance... mostly by drinking and shagging his way into oblivion.
This double life helps to numb Draco to the constant feelings of shame and guilt from his formative years in which he was an utter cunt- but everything is upended when his team (assassins can have coworkers, alright?) dies in action and he does not. Suspended and forced to go to therapy, Draco is adrift.
When Hermione Granger re-enters the fray, their hateful relationship that was once fraught with swotty bickering (erm, and the occasional slur) is suddenly tense in a very different way.
How will these two come together? How often will Theo say something terribly charming? Do we hate Ron or is Ron just, meh? Oh, and what’s going on with that one murderous witch who’s out to kill them all (forgot to mention that part…)?
Find out all this and more in: A HARD ROW TO HOE!
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 250,248
- Chapters:
- 30/30
- Collections:
- 11
- Comments:
- 2,903
- Kudos:
- 7,202
- Bookmarks:
- 4,268
- Hits:
- 509,427
Bookmarked by Jmnzy
03 Jul 2026
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Harry Potter & Seven Years of Chaos by JessalynMichele, Severitus812 (JessalynMichele)
Fandom Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
10 Jul 2025
Summary
July 8, 2021 - June 14, 2023:
706 days.
1,262,342 words.And Chaos Harry’s journey is at an end.
(Afterlife and Missing Moments to be updated eventually, but the main series is over)
- Words:
- 1,472,887
- Works:
- 13
- Bookmarks:
- 7,018
Bookmarked by Jmnzy
01 Jul 2026