Chapter Text
Jim had read the message ten times. The content never changed. His vision blurred with the tears stinging his eyes. He closed his eyes as tears squeezed out. The lump in his throat nearly choked him. He tossed the PADD away.
Okay so it was what it was. What the hell was he going to do about it anyway? Kill himself? Get stinking drunk? Go get himself laid? All of the above?
Well, so what. He didn’t need anyone. No one.
His communicator beeped. He picked it up and looked. “Bones?”
“You have class in ten minutes. You told me to remind you.” Pause. “Jim, are you okay?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Class. Thanks. Thanks, Bones.”
“Jim—”
“Gotta run.” He turned off his communicator. Stared at his PADD which lay on the floor by the kitchen.
I do not believe this is working.
“Fuck you anyway.”
He grabbed his bag and left the dorm, leaving the PADD behind.
Jim tried to pay attention in his linguistics class, he did. But he found himself staring at the back of the head of Uhura.
A few days ago he’d seen them together. At a teashop. Looking intimate, cozy. He hadn’t even known they were meeting that day. At the time, Jim had thought he was overreacting to it. The spark of jealousy he’d felt was nothing. After all, Spock could meet with whomever he wanted. And Jim knew they were friends. Of course, he did. But normally, since they’d been seeing each other, Spock told him everything, all his plans. But not this one.
And now…the message he’d gotten this morning.
I do not believe this is working.
Jim left the class when it was done, wondering if he should go to his next class or not.
“Kirk, are you okay?”
He froze and turned to face Uhura, who was frowning at him, holding her PADD close to her body.
Jim kept his face blank. “Yeah. Sure. I’m fine.”
“Are you—”
“Have to go.”
“Kirk—”
She was still talking when he walked away, and yeah, maybe it was rude, but he just couldn’t do this right now.
Today, well, this afternoon, after classes, was to be the day he was going to move out of his dorm and in with Spock in his apartment off campus. Jim had been so fucking excited.
And happy. He’d been happy.
He should have known better.
Clearly that was not going to happen now. And as he reached the door of his next class, he just kept walking. And walking. Off the campus and all the way to the docks.
All the bad thoughts entered his head before he could stop them. If he would have even tried to stop them.
Please stay.
Are you crazy? I’m not sticking around here. Not with him.
Take me with you.
Get real, Jimmy. You’re a burden.
What you want doesn’t matter. You are no one.
Think you’re so smart? Well, you’re stupid. So stupid even your mother has had enough. You’re going away for a long time, Jim. You’re leaving Earth.
I was hoping you died with the rest of those losers on the planet. Damn it, we can never catch a break.
Repeat offender.
Loser. Why are you such a loser?
Burden.
You are no one.
Stupid.
Repeat offender.
Loser.
Jim scrubbed his hand over his face.
I do not believe this is working.
His communicator beeped. Jim blew out a breath and pulled it out.
“Hey Bones.”
“Jim, where the hell are you? I’m here at the dorm. Thought we were moving you out today to Spock’s. Sulu and his boyfriend are here too.”
He clenched his eyes closed. “Yeah. That’s off.”
A long pause. “What?”
Jim walked to the edge of the plank that led to a group of sailboats. “I’m not moving in with Spock, Bones.”
“What? Why? I don’t get it.”
He crouched down and stuck his hand in the cold water. “I do.”
“But I thought—”
“Spock…Spock broke up with me.”
Another long pause and then Bones was swearing. “When? Today? I didn’t think you’d seen him. Didn’t he have some meetings last night? Jim—”
“I don’t know, in the middle of the night.”
“Middle of the night? You spent the night at the dorm. When did Spock come over?”
“He didn’t. He-he sent me a message. On my PADD.”
“Jim, that doesn’t sound like Spock. He broke up with you over a message?”
“Look, he said we weren’t working, Bones. How much clearer is that?”
“Jim. Where are you?”
He shook his head even though Bones couldn’t see.
“Where are you? I’ll come and get you.”
“I don’t need that. I’m fine, Bones.”
“Jim—”
Jim closed his communicator and turned it off, returning it to his pocket.
He needed a drink. Several.
He wanted to be shit-faced, is what he wanted. And then maybe he could pretend his heart hadn’t been broken into smithereens.
“Love sucks.”
Jim turned away from the docks and went up the street, looking for the nearest bar.
Maybe there’d be someone to fuck too.