Chapter Text
Aithusa could feel something was wrong, that this wasn't the way she was meant to be. After being briefly reunited with her Dragonlord, things were different. The very air seemed different. She had never felt so whole before that moment. Something that she didn't realize was missing was starting to return to her. This was how she was supposed to feel all the time. The void had been there for as long as she could recall but then again, she didn’t remember how it felt not to have her wings ache or how to walk without effort. She could remember that it hadn’t always been this way. She recalled vague memories of before her imprisonment, being free, being with her kin, and of course, the teachings from her Dragonlord. Aithusa had often wondered if he ever looked for her. If he had given up or if he had still been looking. The look of shock and guilt in his eyes made her wonder even more. Then again, he did send her away. She wanted it to be because he wanted to protect her. But, she couldn't ignore the part of her that felt that he wouldn’t want a broken dragon.
Aithusa heard Morgana begin to stir in the next room. If she was to succeed, she needed to leave before she woke. Otherwise, the dragon wouldn't be able to make herself go. It hurt her to leave the one that was there for her but maybe, just maybe, she could make things right. Perhaps she could even change Morgana's fate too. She told herself she wasn't leaving her friend. That she wasn't abandoning her like they were both abandoned before. She had to go to Camelot. It's the only way to save her, to save everyone.
Aithusa knew in her heart she must find her Dragonlord. Ever since she saw him, it's all she could think about. She told herself that she knew her Dragonlord. She saw the pain in his eyes when he saw what had become of her. He was a kind person with a gentle soul. He only wanted her to be safe despite the fact he had not come for her.
She shook the memories off. Now was not the time to be distracted. Shaky and unsteady, Aithusa snuck out of the ruins Morgana was hiding in and made her way towards Camelot. It’s time to change fate and ensure destiny.
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Arthur leaned back in his chair with a groan. He glared at the stack of reports and paperwork in front of him as if he could will the paperwork to complete itself. Deciding he needed a break, he watched Merlin wander throughout the room for a few minutes, cleaning this and that. Granted, it was being done in true Merlin fashion, and everything was convenient rather than where it would typically belong. After all these years, that was how he preferred it. Not that he would ever tell Merlin that.
Merlin sighed and turned to him. "You know you're not going to be able to finish that by tonight if you waste time watching me." Arthur would be annoyed at Merlin scolding him if he didn't see the plain amusement written across Merlin's face.
He pulled an annoyed expression anyway. "It's not like I'll ever get them all finished anyway. Half of these are ridiculous requests the nobles made just to waste some of my time. Every time I think I've made progress; the pile gets bigger the next day."
Merlin just continued to give him that mildly amused look. "More work every day? Almost like being king is hard work," He replied sarcastically. Merlin then shot him a small smile before giving a pointed look back at his paperwork and turning his back to the King.
Arthur usually would respond with a quick retort to the slight taunt; however, he was struck by the fact that that small smile was the first one he had seen on his manservant in weeks. How had he just noticed that? Merlin, the usually cheerful idiot, hadn't given him that usually blinding grin in… how long has it been now? He knows that people change, but the change in Merlin made the unease Arthur had been ignoring resettle in his stomach. Looking back, it's blindly apparent that Merlin had been more reserved and less open for ages now. Even more so after the whole mess at Ismere, and he knighted Mordred.
Arthur glanced up at Merlin again. Merlin still had his back to him and was gathering laundry as he walked around the room. He decided to use this opportunity to look at Merlin and Arthur had to stop himself from frowning. Merlin had built up some muscle over the many years of service but he still managed to look like he wasn't eating enough. He was paler than he usually was and, if the bags under his eyes were any indication, he wasn't sleeping well either.
The knot of unease twisted painfully in his stomach. Plainly speaking, Arthur wasn't made for emotional discussions. He didn't know how to ask if Merlin was sleeping enough or eating enough. Maybe he could ask Guinevere to talk to him. Then again, since Guinevere became Queen, she and Merlin haven't been as close as they once were.
No one had been that close to Merlin recently if he really thought about it. He wondered if that was because everyone had become busier or if Merlin purposely pushed them all away, or did they accidentally push him away? Did anyone else notice the distance too or was he the only one? Maybe they should go on a hunting trip. Merlin hated them, even if he didn’t bother complaining as much recently, but they were a chance to get out of the castle. It was easier for him to be emotional outside than here in the castle where anyone may notice. No matter how loyal, it wouldn't be proper to show such open care towards his manservant. He was about to tell Merlin he wished to go on a hunt when he heard the door close.
'I'll have to tell him later,’ He thought grudgingly. 'The one time the idiot decides to do his job.' Then with a huff and a mental promise to talk to his manservant later, Arthur begrudgingly returned to his paperwork.
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Merlin gave a weary sigh as he walked towards the laundry room, a laundry basket precariously placed in his arms. He had no idea how one man could go through clothes so fast, but if anyone could do it, it would be the prat. At least this gave him a chance to check on the new serving boy ahead of him - who gave Arthur a decidedly hateful glare last time he gave a speech. Of course, that doesn't mean he was involved in some sort of plot against the king, but he had stumbled upon far larger plans with far less reason to be suspicious. Nevertheless, Merlin felt the ever-present worry for the king grow larger. So many people seem to have it out for Arthur. It's like he had a magic sign above his head: please come murder me written above it in big, bold letters. All it would take is one mistake, one slip up, one person he didn't notice, and someone could hurt Arthur.
Unconsciously, Merlin starts walking faster until he feels something tug on the edge of his awareness. Quickly checking to make sure he was alone; he placed a spell on the serving boy to alert him of any ill intentions before stopping and tentatively reached out toward this new presence. It was a familiar feeling, yet he could not figure out how he knew it. Then all at once, he was running out of the castle, dumping the laundry unceremoniously as he raced through the halls.
Distantly, Merlin wondered if he was in shock. His hands certainly were shaking. He could not believe that she actually came back. His thoughts were somehow running a mile an hour, but he could only think one thing: Aithusa is back and is heading straight for Camelot.
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Admittedly Aithusa was not sure how well this plan was going to work. She spent the entire flight trying to refine her plan, doing her best to think of every problem before she actually confronted it. It's all such a risk, and there's no guarantee it will even work. So many things could go wrong. The biggest issue was that she had to do it without her Dragonlord catching on to her plan. Though her memories were hazy and broken at best, she knows that the King does not know of her Dragonlord's magic and that her Dragonlord thinks it must stay that way. She hated the idea of even considering doing something her Dragonlord would disapprove of, but this was the only way! She could feel it. She was so sure that she had no idea why it never occurred to anyone else before. She knew that growing in that well had stunted her, but she now realized exactly how much. A tiny flare of hope rose in her chest. Ever since she saw her dragonlord, no matter how brief that encounter was, she could move more effortlessly, and she could fly longer without pain.
Most importantly, things were clearer to her now. She could see beyond just making sure she and Morgana survived. She was looking at the bigger picture now and what she must do to set destiny back on course was staring her in the face. Aithusa had to do this, and she cannot fail all the people she loves.
She felt a spark of recognition in her mind when she was close enough now that her Dragonlord had sensed her presence. She could feel an odd mix of joy and dread coming from their link. She took a moment to marvel at how blatantly she could feel his emotions seeping through even from this distance. She cautiously tried to send happy and calming thoughts towards him, but she had no idea if it worked. She supposed she would find out in a moment as she approached the clearing where Kilgharrah often met with their Dragonlord, where she had been hatched. She felt a thrill of excitement go through her. It almost felt like coming home, and soon she would be reunited with her dragonlord!
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He knows his concern won't be welcome. He had all but forgotten about the small dragon. Merlin had accepted this. Aithusa had been with Morgana and was severely injured and deformed last time he saw her. It was all his fault. He hasn't seen her for years! Years! Yet, he never even thought to look for her. Sure, he worried and wondered about her, but he thought she was okay.
Kilgharrah said young dragon hatchlings were independent, that if they taught her not to show herself to people and hunt for herself, she would be okay. He did that. Merlin made sure she was taught to stay hidden and safe like he was taught when he was young. But that was just it! He had been raised that way, too, and he always, ALWAYS caused trouble. Of course, he should've known better! If not for his mother watching him like a hawk, he would have gone and gotten himself killed as soon as he stepped out the door. Why didn't he think to check on her?
Ever since Ismere, Merlin had been so preoccupied with keeping an eye on Mordred and protecting Arthur that he didn't even try to win Aithusa back from Morgana. Not that he didn't want to, but if something happened while he was gone, he would never forgive himself.
He supposed that was the problem, wasn't it? Merlin always put Arthur first. He was a failure as a Dragonlord. How can he call himself one when he put Arthur before his duty to protect the dragon he hatched? He knew his destiny was important, that Arthur was important, but a part of him wondered what the point was. He would deny it if he were asked, but he had no hope that Arthur would ever accept magic. How could he when Merlin has turned him against magic forever? The only reason he hadn’t left Camelot years ago was because he cared about his friends. If he left, Camelot would fall within a week and all his friends with it. But this was his kin. It was his duty to protect Aithusa and Kilgharrah just as much as it was to protect Arthur. He loved Arthur and his other friends in Camelot, but he wouldn't abandon Aithusa. Not again. Until he ensured she was safe and healed, he wouldn’t let Aithusa out of his sight.
The uneven flapping of wings in the distance snapped him out of his thoughts. Merlin watched as Aithusa landed unsteadily on the ground. He heard himself let out a small gasp as he took in the sight of her once more. Seeing her fully in the light only accentuated her deformities. Her legs were bent in awkward directions, her wings torn and painful looking, her face gaunt with an unhealthy red tinge around her eyes. She looked so stretched and worn.
How could he let this happen? Aithusa was supposed to be a sign of hope for the future. Cautiously, he walked towards her with his hand outstretched and ready to hold her like he did when she was just a hatchling. He wasn't sure if she would want him to touch her, considering her reaction at Ismere. Before he could think about it too much, she was next to him. Her warm scales settled him a bit. When she brushed against his hand and nuzzled into his side, he couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face or the tears that misted his eyes but did not fall. She looked up and gave him a happy but broken-sounding chirp. The sound grated on his ears, and nothing had ever made him feel so relieved and regretful all at once. He looked into his dragon's eyes, his hand brushing across her head as if he was afraid his touch would hurt her.
"Aithusa…" he started, his voice hitching slightly, "I'm so sorry. I should've looked after you. I won't ask you to forgive me but please let me help you. I will do everything in my power to heal you. We can ask Kilgharrah, maybe he knows if there is a way to heal you. I promise you won't be alone again." His voice shook, and his words came out awkward and rushed. He looked at her pleadingly. Merlin barely dared to hope she would give him some sign of agreement. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness. He wouldn’t blame her if she hated him for all the pain his thoughtlessness caused.
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As she lands, Aithusa did her best not to cringe from the amount of pain and sadness coming from her Dragonlord. For a moment, she didn’t move towards him and just watched him as he looked over her mangled body. She knows a part of his pain was from seeing her, and she hated that the bitter part of her that felt abandoned by him - feels he deserved the crushing amount of feelings she was causing him. As the moment passed, her Dragonlord walked over slowly and reached out towards her, just like he had done many times before.
Suddenly she was small, young and without pain again. She remembered when her dragonlord visited her, approaching in the same way grinning at her, eyes shining with pride and adoration. When she jumped into his arms immediately, he would start cooing over how much she had grown. Aithusa remembered how he would watch patiently for her to show him all she had learned while he was away.
Before she knew it, she was next to him, ashamed of all the blame she felt when she knew just how sorry he was. She rubbed her head against his hand and tried to tell him with her eyes that she doesn't hate him, that she remembered, and that she knows he was so very sorry. She felt both rewarded and punished when the sad smile he gave her caused another wave of his happiness and crushing regret to wash over her. She desperately tried to think of a way to convince him that it's okay. She was there with him now, so he doesn't have to be sad. She chirped at him as she pushed her feelings of happiness over being reunited at their link, hoping that he could feel it.
Soon, her Dragonlord was meeting her eyes. "Aithusa… I'm so sorry. I should've looked after you. I won't ask you to forgive me, but please let me help you. I will do everything in my power to heal you. We can ask Kilgharrah, maybe he knows if there is a way to heal you. I promise you won't be alone again."
Aithusa froze in mind and body. A part of her wanted to be upset at the confirmation that no one even looked for her. The rest of her could only focus on that last miraculous part of what her Dragonlord just said to her. There could possibly be a way to heal her body. She tried desperately not to hope, not to leap at the chance to know what it is like to be without pain again. He… he promised not to leave her. He was going to stay by her side.
Aithusa had thought that no one but Morgana would ever be there for her. That simple promise gave her the hope that she believed she had lost despite herself. Studying her dragonlord, she could see the plain desperation written on his face even if she could also feel it through the link. She closed her eyes and focused on where his hand was still on the side of her head. His thumb caressed her head promising love and protection like only a caretaker can. She sank into the warmth and comfort it brings and let it ground her.
If her plan was going to work, Kilgharrah cannot know. Aithusa wasn't sure if it was rational or not, but she can't help but feel that Kilgharrah would only have to look at her to know what she is thinking. He would try to stop her. So, he cannot come even if she desperately wanted to be healed.
Aithusa reached for the link again, the proximity making her able to feel everything her Dragonlord felt in full force. She tried her best to not let herself drown in the emotions. She could feel just how defeated and sad her Dragonlord was. It was not just the state of her body that was bringing him pain either. This pain was old and had festered like poison in him. He was so very close to breaking. No, that was wrong. He was actually close to shattering beyond repair… but he wasn't there yet.
Aithusa felt her resolve harden. Her plan must work. First, she must heal her Dragonlord. There was only one path she could take now. She tried to send words through the link. She had never tried to use words before and she only hoped he would understand.
Her dragonlord startled slightly as she gave her request. He gave her a confused look and tilted his head slightly at her. She wondered if it was because of her request or if he just cannot understand her. She begged to whatever god that may listen, ‘Please just let him understand.’
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Merlin tilted his head in confusion. His hand went still, stopping his unconscious attempt to comfort the young dragon. Images and broken sentences went through his head that didn’t come from him. Suddenly, the random bursts of unusual emotions he felt earlier made more sense. Aithusa had been sending them through the bond they shared, similar to how Kilgharrah sometimes called out to him. However with Aithusa, she could send emotions instead of words. He wondered briefly if that was because he hatched her, so they have a closer bond or if Kilgharrah just chooses to never send any emotions over their link.
Focusing, Merlin saw the cave Kilgharrah was once trapped in. He also heard a young girl's voice in his mind but he couldn't make out the words. 'Must be what Aithusa will sound like if I can fix her voice,' he thought distractingly. He tried to focus on what she was saying, closing his eyes in concentration.
Slowly the words started to make sense. "We must go. Please. Heal." Merlin opened his eyes to meet Aithusa's blue ones which seemed to be willing him to understand what she’s trying to say.
"You want me to take you to where Kilgharrah was chained?" He asked in confusion. An ecstatic confirmation immediately flooded his mind. Aithusa gave another happy chirp, and despite his confusion, Merlin couldn't help himself as he smiled at her. She seemed almost smug that she got her message across.
It was just like when she had her first successful hunt. She strutted around like a peacock for the next three days. Despite himself, he found himself relaxing. Even with what she must have gone through, she hadn't lost that spark he loved so much.
Not even trying to keep the fondness out of his voice, Merlin questioned her softly, "Aithusa… but why would you want to be there? It is where your kind was imprisoned." He made sure to keep smiling softly to let her know that it wasn't a ‘no’ to her request, just a question.
Aithusa didn't send him an answer that made sense, just a wave of firm determination to go there. He looked over at her again. Despite being happy she trusted him enough to ask him such a thing, he still debated just calling Kilgharrah. He couldn't stand to see her in such pain. There was no way it could not hurt just to live with her body like this. However, when he looked into her eyes and felt the amount of pure trust and hope she was giving him, he knew he had just lost that battle.
Deciding that maybe he could teach her how to use the link better with speaking - by speaking himself through the link, he agreed. Of course, he also added that they had to wait till nightfall so the guards had no chance of seeing.
Immediately, he felt agreement, relief, and gratitude wash over him. His smile grew into a grin. The first true one he had in such a long time. Merlin knew the chances of being caught was relatively low as they could go through the unguarded back entrance that Kilgharrah escaped from. He was 90% sure the guards didn't even know it was there but he wasn't taking any risks. He would not lose Aithusa again. He also knew Kilgharrah wouldn't be able to make it there by nightfall. So, he decided he would call the older dragon after Merlin and the white dragon completed whatever it was Aithusa wanted to do in the cave. Maybe she knew a way to heal herself there but couldn't communicate it to him.
Nightfall was only an hour or so away now. Guess the prat was going to have to get himself ready for bed tonight. He'll make up some excuse later to Arthur and Giaus when he returns. Sighing and resuming his gentle petting, he made himself comfortable. For now, Merlin was more than happy to just enjoy the time with the dragon he thought he had lost. This time, he would put her first. Nothing would get between him and his dragon.