Chapter Text
It wasn't until Satan had landed on the hour of his best friends untimely death that he remembered the dangerous contract.
**
"Shit". He swallowed around a gulp of hot scalding cup of tea.
Dan looked up at him in confusion, his friend wasn't usually so potty mouthed to just casually drop a "shit" without a quickly followed up apology. In fact, Dan tended to be the one who effed this and effed that. No, Phil was an angel. Which was very ironic, seen as he was actually Satan, the OverLord of literal Hell.
"Something wrong with the tea?". Dan worried. He always did, but it's definitely not something he should be doing over Satan. Or Phil, as Dan commonly referred to him as for no reason other than the fact he thought that was his name. His face shape screamed Phil.
"No, it's fine. Just remembered something". Your death, Phil thought in his head. He wasn't really remembering Dan's death, more like predicting it will happen an hour from now.
"I'm gonna have to start getting ready, I start work in just over an hour". Dan commented, despite his friends subdued expression.
"Cycling again?". Satan asks. Of course he already knows the answer, cyclists are often ignored by drivers on the roads. The driver probably won't even see Dan coming.
"Yup".
"And you've got your helmet and protective gear?". Satan asked. Of course he already knows these items would both fail him in a 1 in 100,000 chance.
"Yup, like I always do". Dan smiled, amused as to why his friend was being so unusually protective.
"And the weather's going to be okay? Roads aren't slippy?" Satan asked one final time. Despite knowing what he already knew.
"I mean, it snowed yesterday but it seems to all be melting...". Dan murmured, cleaning up after their tea and cakes.
"Stay safe, Dan". Phil coughed, giving Dan a small hug from the back and opening the ground before Dan turned back around. Being swallowed whole by the floor gave him a lot to think about.
Like how he could possibly take his best friend's soul? He had to take it though. Dan signed that away when he wanted a friend.
**
It was an abnormally cold day in May and a sixteen year old Dan was crying himself to sleep for the third time that week. He strung a sentence together within his thoughts about why he was so lonely. "I'd do anything for a friend". It was almost like he was listening. That's because he was.
Newly appointed Phil, as the new Satan (taking over the role from his father), flew up there all by himself to get the poor boy to sign the contract. And once that was signed, that was the end. Phil would spend an hour or so of his day with the young human for the rest of Dan's life so when he died he had another soul to punish.
**
But of course Dan was different. It was five years later and him and Phil became actual friends.
It took Phil five minutes for him to find his devil handbook, once he had it in his hands he flicked to the pages about soul promising. "No, no, no, no. Jesus fucking Christ!". He shouted, his heart palpitating along with the thud the book made when it came crashing into the wall opposite his desk.
"Erm. Phi- Mr Satan". Phil's assistant walks in, giving him a glare.
"What's up, Lou?". Phil sighed, shutting his book.
"First, the noise. If you're having a tantrum, number 3 is always ready for you to take your anger out on-".
"Jack would like that, wouldn't he? He wants me to throw glasses of acid on him". Phil argued, after all hell was supposed to be the exact opposite of what they wanted. And apparently the Ripper's favourite thing was torture.
"We've got him watching the Bee movie anyway, bawling like a baby. The second thing is Dan's extraction is happening in ten minutes. He's just had the crash and he's now in hospital".
Phil slid a hand down his face. "I don't think I could face seeing him in pain, Louise".
"Well, he signed the contract. You looked it over. There's nothing you can do, you have to bring him down to Hell". She supplied helplessly.
"I know". He sighed. He sat down at his desk and pulled up Dan live feed on his Souls Encyclopedia. "Dan and Hell. It just doesn't fit. And the fact he has to join the rest of those stupid tortured souls. It's such a shame".
Louise had a thought. "Let me look at the contract for a quick sec". Phil summoned it from flames and handed it over still warm.
A few minutes of pages being flicked, Louise slid the legal document back on Phil's desk.
"He definitely does have to come down here to Hell, there's no way he'd be able to get out of that. But-". She supplied, pointing at clause 32, section 7, "But he doesn't necessarily have to become a tortured soul".
Phil read over the clause Louise pointed out to him and he was a little confused. "What else can he do Louise? He can't wander around Hell for all eternity with nothing to do".
"Give him a job". Louise smiled, clutching her clipboard.
Phil let it stew for a moment, "Hmmm. No".
"Give yourself another assistant", Louise said, "It solves the problem".
Phil knew it did, but Louise had seen things, and most of those things she'd carried out. She was constantly beheading Henry the VIII's withered and terrible soul and setting fire to and/or drowning WitchFinder Generals. Innocent Dan couldn't do that. His day job was working in an office. He filed and electronically transferred information. He wasn't qualified and was just too... Dan. He couldn't even kill a spider that was giving him an anxiety attack everytime he walked into the kitchen for a month.
But Phil didn't have any time to make a decision. No time at all (not that it existed down there). Just as he was about to start arguing again with Louise, a small figure started appearing in his office and that's when he knew this was it. Dan had died and was coming to Hell and there was nothing he could do to stop this.
The ringing noise could be heard for miles and the poof of grey and red smoke could be seen and felt in the lungs. It was cloying, it hurt. This was normal for a soul-less human, except Dan didn't know that and also had no idea what was happening.
"What- what-", he coughed, no hacked. The smoke was affecting him more than it did the others. "Where am I? Phil?". Dan's eyes landed on a familiar face.
"You're in hell, Dan". Phil sighed. Dan took one more look around the scream filled dark void, before plunging to the ground and falling unconscious.
Phil and Louise grabbed Dan and carried his body (or not, technically he didn't have one of those anymore) over to Phil's personal suite. This would give him some time, not lots but enough to figure out a solution to this fucked up mess.
**
It was an hour later and Dan began to stir awake, Phil had made a fresh pot of tea and had printed Dan's new contract to sign. It was risky bringing it up straight after his death and extraction, but Phil didn't want to prolong this bad situation any longer than he had to.
"Huh? Phil- oh, thank god. I had the weirdest dream...", Dan exhaled, before rubbing his eyes and looking around Phil's living room. "Phil, where am I?". Dan asked in a small voice, cradling his knees in a fetal position as he took in the room he was in.
"Dan, I'm so sorry. It wasn't a dream. You died in a bicycle accident this morning". Phil said, leaning forward and putting his hands on Dan's knees.
Dan started crying, "I - I died? Just like that? Oh god". He croakily managed to squeak out. "And I'm in hell too? Was I a bad person, Phil?".
Phil leant forward and pulled Dan in a bone crushing hug (if he had bones), and kissed his forehead. "Dan, you are not a bad person. Not at all, you're the best".
Dan hiccuped and attempted to calm down by slowing his breathing, "I don't understand". He swallowed, patting his eyes with a tissue Phil had made appear.
"Don't you remember?" Phil brought it up delicately, not many people ever took the whole soul taking business seriously until it came down to the wire.
Dan sniffled, clutching one of Phil's lounge pillows to his abdomen. "...No? Is it because I smoked one of Agatha's mates joints when I was 17, because it was only a couple puffs and peer pressure and it didn't even do anything to me-"
"You signed your soul away, Dan".
"Oh. I did. I remember, sort of". Dan replied, scratching his head.' Wasn't that a dream?' He thought in his head, 'is this a dream?'. He pinched himself lightly on the arm. Neither were, apparently.
"Yeah, the contract is designed to help you forget about that part. Makes it fuzzy in your head about how we met". Phil explained.
Dan nodded, he didn't quite understand it nor did he accept this. He wouldn't have been so stupid. He tried to think about how he met Phil. He was sure he was in his class or tutoring him or something, suddenly it became clear. The memory was a little fuzzy and always had been.
"You were crying, and you must have said something about being lonely and I guess you were already being monitored so I just went into your room and got you to sign the contract". Phil said, admitting this made him feel guilty. He knows it was a bit of a shit system. Preying on the lonely, the vulnerable.
"I remember, you just appeared. And we chatted. I liked it, I liked you. I like you". Dan whispered, looking up at Phil through his still damp eyes.
"It wasn't one sided, I like you too", Phil smiled, clutching onto Dan's hands.
"And now I've got to get tortured for all of time?". Dan asked, twisting the loose bit of skin around his wrists and wiping his face. Maybe he was trying to seem braver in front of Phil, but Phil had seen him at his weakest.
"Well. I decided you don't deserve that. I'm hiring you as my number two assistant! You should meet Louise, she's my other assistant, you'll take half her tasks".
Dan looked up at Phil, "I'm going to work for you? What do you do here?".
Phil bit his tongue and picked his nails, a nervous habit he might've picked up from Dan. He had time to think of something other than 'hey, I'm the freaking manager of this whole place', but he knew Dan would see straight through any excuse he had.
"I'm actually, well I suppose the humans call me Satan, Lucifer, the Devil...". Phil swallowed, awkwardly shining his teeth to Dan. Maybe his perfect pearly whites would soften the blow.
"Shit-Wait, seriously?". Dan asked, straightening his spine a little. He couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. His friend? His Phil.. was Satan?
Phil nodded. "So what do you say?".
Dan sighed, deciding he'd rather not have his body painfully rearranged for the rest of time, so he agreed, but what to he wasn't totally sure.