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“Hey, are you alright?” Sam’s voice called for Bucky, as he entered the Wilson’s backyard, where the man had just returned after another run. His fourth of the day. Which usually meant that Bucky was brooding about something, but trying to shake it off by exercising. Sam knew that feeling too well.
“Yeah, I’m swell”, Bucky grunted back. Sam’s eyebrows immediately shot up to his hairline.
“You sure Buck?”
“Stop that. That’s too Steve-y.”
“ Steve-y ? This about him again?”
“Could you please, this one time, just drop it?”
“You asked that of me the last time, one day you gotta talk about Steve-”
Sam hadn’t finished his sentence, before Bucky interrupted him with a frustrated groan.
“Why do you care so much Sam ? It drives me fucking crazy. You don’t know what it feels like, to lose the man you loved, the only person you have left that knows who you are, when you yourself dont anymore. You don’t know how it felt for me when Steve left. You can’t possibly help me with this.”
“Now come on Bucky, you know I’m good at this. I want to help you, let me try at least.”
“He left me a broken man. You of all people deserve better than that.”
“What do you mean deserve- what are you saying?”
Bucky groaned, pulling his own hair in frustration and looking anywhere but Sam. Clearly he was having some kind of inner conflict and now- he busted free.
“Good lord, I’m saying that I have stupid feelings for Captain America again , when I should have long realised that I bring nothing but agony!”
Sam gasped. Sure, he’d been kind of suspecting it, but this was not how he thought Bucky would tell him.
“Hey, man, listen-”, Sam started, his heart beating in his throat, because was this it? Bucky came around? They stopped dancing around each other?
“No, Sam, please. You don’t have to let me down easy, I know-” No, apparently Bucky was as oblivious as they come.
“I’m not though, I’m trying to tell you that I feel the same! I care about you Bucky. So much.”
Bucky stared for a second, saying nothing with words. Sam quickly came to realise that it was a look of horror on his face. Confusion, frustration, anger. Not the emotions Sam had hoped for after confessing his feelings. Bucky surprised him even more with his next words. Desperate and sad and self-deprecating and stupid .
“Then would you please stop caring so much?” He asked. “So that my stupid heart can stop beating so fast when I’m around you? You’re too good, Sam, I can’t do this to you. I’ve been made to hurt and be hurt, Sam, you don’t-”
“Okay, enough”, Sam declared eventually, anger now seeping into his voice. “Do you ever stop and just- for one second - consider my feelings? My past?”
Bucky stared at him in stunned silence. His mouth sealed shut just from the way Sam looked at him. When he made no sign to answer, Sam continued.
“Because yes I know alright, you’re like- the King of trauma, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gone through some shit in my life. I know it will never be brainwashed-by-nazis-to-become-an-assassin kind of bad, I know that, alright. But you know what I did experience? Loss. Natasha and Steve were my friends, too.”
Sam stared, seething with anger. Bucky opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again.
“I-”
“I’m a fucking veteran, you think I became a military counselor for fun ? Not because, just maybe, I experienced stuff so traumatic to me that I felt like I couldn’t live with myself, if I didn’t do something to help others avoid my fate? You think I don’t know how it feels to lose the man you loved?” Sam took a step forward and jabbed his finger into Bucky’s chest accusingly.
“Well it’s not even remotely your business, James Buchanan Barnes, but I was fucking engaged to my best friend, my whole world and then watched as he was shot out of the fucking sky. I still have nightmares about that mission.” Here both paused for a second. In Bucky’s mind everything was spinning. Sam used to be engaged to a man? He didn’t know that, Sam never mentioned it before.
“Sam-”, he started, desperate to say something, but what ? What was he supposed to say, when Sam was still so clearly enraged? Sam ended up taking the decision from him again.
“I followed Steve around the fucking world to find your sorry ass, so he could have what I’ll never get to have, just to get caught up in a billion other fights, including with aliens, who made me stop existing for five years, and then watched him leave the both of us, first chance he got.”
Sometimes Bucky forgot how close Sam and Steve were. His heart felt heavy.
“Then he gives me that god forsaken shield, the mantle that is heavier than the whole world and just puts it on my shoulders without thinking about it twice. I fought with myself so long before I gave that thing to the government because I knew, no matter what I did, people would hate me and not even for my actions. I could do a Tony fucking Stark-level sacrifice, saving the world - and there would still be people mad because I’m black .”
He was right and that hurt even more.
“I thought I made the right decision, then the shitty government gives the shield to John fucking Walker with his anger issues, who dares compare himself to Steve, but treats me like some sort of second black sidekick. And you’re on my ass because I gave the shield away in the first place, and I know you apologised for it, but that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty about it. Of course it feels like it’s my fault that the shield was used to harm innocents, or given to him in the first place.”
“That was-”
“And I found out about Isaiah, another black man fucked over by the government. He’s a wonderful man, but you know what he did really well? Make me feel guilty. For wanting to get that shield back and use it for good. And I haven’t even started about Karli and the flag smashers, who were all so young with the right idea, but the wrong approach. And I can’t blame them, when the government only focuses on Karli and their bad deeds, but ignores the very core of their group and why it exists in the first place. Then I almost got her convinced, got her to trust me, and she died right in my arms. Her last word was ‘sorry’, Bucky. You don’t think that takes its toll on a man? You don’t think that broke me, that I feel broken?” Sam stared at him intensely, after posing the rhetorical question. It made the world’s most feared ex-assassin feel small and sorry. If Sam would just- if he’d let Bucky- but he didn’t.
“And now that I finally get a little time off, a little to relax and recover- now when we finally got past the whole ‘maybe co-workers, who act like they hate each other, but would save the other at any cost, but just a couple of guys’ thing you fight with me over caring for you, because you feel bad about yourself? Then kinda confess your feelings for me and don’t even give me the chance to react properly before you turn around and declare me ‘too good for you’. You ever stop to think that I know what’s good for myself ? How dare you decide that for me.”
“I never-”
“No, how dare you invalidate my feelings for you. I am a grown man, I can decide things for myself, be it Captain America or be it you . But if you want to go and continue invalidating everything I do , then please, Bucky. Fuck off. Fuck off to wherever you wanna go and be, because I don’t need that shit. Wallow in self-pity and continue not allowing anyone to help you, if that is what your heart desires. I’ll manage.”
Eventually Sam seemed to have gotten everything out of his system for now. His chest was rising heavily, he dropped his arms to his sides and took a few steps back to get some space between himself and Bucky. Maybe so he could hide his glassy eyes, but for that it was too late. There was nothing Bucky would rather do than pull him close and never let go. To say sorry a thousand times over, but when he took just one step towards Sam, the man shook his head and took another back.
“No, I- I need some space right now. I can’t, just-” Sam shook his head again, then turned on his heel and walked back to the house, leaving Bucky to stand alone in the Wilson’s backyard.
“Everything alright? I heard shouting”, Sarah greeted her brother, as he entered through the backdoor.
“Just peachy”, he gritted out, making his way up the stairs without sparing her a look. Sarah knew better than going after her brother right now, but she couldn’t help peering into the backyard, where Bucky looked like a kicked, lost puppy. Now usually, she’d have Sam’s back unconditionally, but Sam and Bucky had a different kind of relationship. Sure, this was definitely not their normal banter, but she knew of Sam’s feelings for Bucky and the other way around, it was quite obvious, Sam wouldn’t want her to go crazy on Bucky. But they also never fought this seriously. So this was… concerning.
Cautiously she stepped out into the backyard and walked over to where Bucky was still staring at the horizon. It didn’t sit right with her to see him this tense, when he had been so peaceful and relaxed the last few days.
“Are you okay?”, she asked softly, like she does when she finds one of her boys crying in his room. Bucky turned to look at her, with those big eyes and she saw nothing but grief and guilt, settled in his throat.
“I’m sorry, Sarah, I didn’t mean to hurt him, I promise”, he all but whispered and the woman felt her heart crack a little. Sam getting hurt was one thing, Bucky hurting Sam was another. She didn’t think he was capable of doing so.
“Why is he hurt?”
“I- I was being ignorant. I was selfish and so focused on my own problems that I- I- forgot .”
Sarah knew immediately what Bucky was talking about. Sam was such a passionate, optimist soul, that even she regularly forgot what he’s been through.
“He didn’t want you to know. Sam always does his hardest to not let on how much he suffered in his life and still does. No wonder every now and then he freaks out about it. I’m not saying you’re not at fault, just… don’t be too hard on yourself. Sam ain’t all that easy to read sometimes, even though it seems like it.”
Bucky nodded along and they stood in silence for a moment. He always thought Sam wore his heart on his sleeve, letting everyone know his thoughts and feelings about a topic at all times. Seems like Bucky was very wrong about that - Sam’s acting was much better than he anticipated.
“I didn’t know”, he said eventually. Sarah turned to him in confusion.
“Know what?”
“About his fiancé. And that he had feelings for me, I knew neither.”
“Oh Bucky, he made it so painfully obvious. For a spy you sure are bad at picking up the signals”, Sarah chuckled softly, bumping her shoulder into his, when Bucky frowned.
“Then why didn’t he just… say something?”
“He wanted you to make the first move. Because relationships don’t come easy to you after everything with Steve especially, and he didn’t want to put pressure on anything. If you chose to act on your feelings he would’ve been there and if not… then, too. Sam’s selfless like that.”
Bucky replied with a hum, watching the horizon even more intently.
“I know that was like, the core of our fight, but still I… How do I deserve him? He cares so much and I overlook even the most obvious things. I act like I got him all figured out, but I don’t know shit .”
“It’s really not about deserving, is it?”, Sarah answered. “Because after everything that happened to you, no question, you deserve all the goodness in the world. But Sam isn’t a price or a medal of honor, he’s not something you deserve . He’s just some guy with feelings for his best friend - I see a pattern by the way - who wants to be happy. Nothing more.”
Bucky hummed again, losing himself in thought for another moment.
“It doesn’t have to be so complicated, Bucky. Give him some space, show him you’re sorry and tell him how you feel. Make it simple. Lord knows your life’s are complicated enough. This doesn’t have to be.”
“Thank you, Sarah.”
“Anytime.”
It had been a long time since Sam Wilson cried properly, but coming clean and admitting all his trauma out loud - it broke the dam. His heart felt heavy, so so heavy. With a shaking hand, he opened the drawer of his nightstand, where the silver ring was stored, even after all those years. Holding it brought more tears, but also great comfort, it made him feel connected to his past. To Riley. To his values and reasons, everything he worked for. It made him feel a little less important, in a world where everything he did was a statement. It felt good.
He stared at it for quite some time, sobbing quietly to himself on a bed too big for just him. In a world that felt so lonely without the man who gave him that ring. He didn’t know how much time had passed, when a soft knock disturbed the silence.
“Uncle Sam? Mom says dinner is ready in ten minutes and I should ask you if you wanna eat?”, Cass’ timid voice came from the door. His nephew looked at him with big, soft eyes. Feeling lonely was harder when you were looked at like that.
“Thanks buddy, but I’m not in the mood right now”, he answered hoarsely, wiping away the tears on his face as he put the ring down for the first time in like the last hour. Cass nodded, but shifted from one leg to the other, still looking at his uncle.
“Are you okay?” He asked then and tapped into the room over to where Sam sat on his bed.
Sam considered lying about it, but he didn’t want to lie to his nephews. And being sad shouldn’t be something they have to deny, so neither should Sam. So instead he said “I will be. Just having a rough day.”
Cass nodded understandingly. “Mom says that crying is a-okay”, he supplied helpfully.
“She’s very wise, your mother.”
His nephew agreed with another nod, then pointed to the ring. “Whose is that?”
“Oh, that’s mine. Wanna take a look?” Cass nodded and Sam gently handed him the ring. His nephew held it as if it was the most precious thing in the world and it made his heart swell.
“You didn’t tell us that you’re married , Uncle Sam”, Cass promptly stated, a scandalized look on his face, before it lit up and he exclaimed “Did you marry Bucky ?”
Sam couldn’t help but snort, even as his heart stung at the thought of Bucky. Maybe he had been too harsh on him.
“No, I’m not married. I think it’s time I tell you about it”, he explained softly and tapped the spot on the bed next to him invitingly. Cass understood and climbed on the bed, snuggling close to his uncle.
“Do you know the picture on the wall right by the door downstairs? The one with your mom and dad, me and my friend?”
Cass nodded.
“Well, he was not quite my friend, you know. His name was Riley and I was engaged to him.”
“What does that mean?”
“That means we were about to get married. After a marriage proposal, a couple is engaged until they are married. Riley proposed to me a long long time ago, before the both of you were born. I loved him very much, but sadly I never got to marry him. Back then he and I were still in the military and Riley got unlucky. He never returned home”, Sam told, barely getting the last words out, because he felt so choked up. Everytime, still, he got emotional when telling someone about Riley. Cass still turned the ring in his small child hands, over and over before he said something.
“Do you love Bucky now, Uncle Sam?”
Sam hummed, eyeing the ring intently as if it could give him the answer.
“Yeah kind of. I’m not marrying him anytime soon, god forbid, but I like him. If he stays- then maybe we’ll even be together.”
“Why wouldn’t he stay?” Cass frowned as he looked at his uncle, who sighed sadly.
“Bucky and I had a fight earlier, we said some mean things. I’m not sure if he wants to stay anymore, can’t blame him if he doesn’t.”
“Well, he’s helping Mom with dinner right now. He looks sad, though. I think he’d like to stay. Mom said that, too.”
Sam smiled, of course Sarah already knew, she had always been noisy. Probably got everything out of Bucky in under a minute, the man couldn’t withstand Sarah Wilson. Neither could Sam most of the time.
“Well, I’m sure we will find a way for everyone to be content. But now it’s really time for you to go eat your dinner.”
“Still don’t wanna come?”
“Nah. I’m not hungry and still a little angry. Need a bit more space before I can talk to Bucky again properly.”
Cass nodded again, hugged him a little tighter and went to join the family dinner. He could hear some of the voices and what sounded like Sarah asking “Your uncle not coming?”
“No, he said he’s not hungry and needs space”, Cass explained, while he climbed on his chair next to Bucky. The man swallowed heavily, but tried to conceal it. Sarah noticed anyway.
“You took long up there, what did you talk about?”, she asked her son, while she put the food on the table.
“Uncle Sam showed me his ring! And told me about his looooves”, the boy grinned and giggled, putting emphasis on the word ‘loves’. Bucky felt his heart sink in his chest.
“Oh, he told you about Riley?”
“And Bucky”, he added, as he shoved his first spoon of rice into his mouth, like it was obvious. The man in question choked, somehow he did not expect that. He should have - Sam kind of confessed, too, but still it made him metaphorically fall out of his chair. In reality though he only coughed, then sat frozen.
“And what did he say about him?” Sarah continued asking instead of Bucky, who felt like he couldn’t breathe right, his lungs heavy as if they were replaced with rocks.
“He said that he likes Bucky, but he’s angry at him. And that he loved Riley very much.”
Bucky felt undeserved relief wash over him. Of course Sam was angry, but he didn’t resent him. That meant everything.
“Uncle Sam isn’t feeling well, is he?”, AJ questioned after a silent minute.
“He was crying.”
It surprised Bucky how calmly the Wilson’s talked about Sam at the dinner table, with no reproach at all. Crying wasn’t frowned upon here, he realised. Back in the 30s…
“Why?”, AJ continued. Again Bucky felt his body still in guilt and embarrassment.
“I think that’s enough about your Uncle Sam now. It’s not our place to talk about it”, Sarah intervened, clearly having seen how uncomfortable Bucky was. She really was a saint and the boys accepted it without question.
After dinner, Bucky stood with Sarah in the kitchen, quietly doing the dishes for a while before Sarah sighed and swatted at his hand.
“Now stop that, you’ll implode. I can hear you thinking. Go find your man, loverboy, I’m sure he’s down by the docks just waiting to talk about it.”
“I- are you sure? I don’t wanna invade his space when he’s not ready-”
“Trust me. He left his room, he’s ready.”
The man swallowed heavily, but Sarah’s eyes left no space to argue, so he budged.
The air outside was warm and slightly humid, but nice. Sure enough, Sam was sitting down by the water, watching where the sun was going down. He said nothing as Bucky lowered himself next to him.
Sam was still holding the ring in his hands, Bucky couldn’t help but notice. It was simple and silver, twisted with a small amber stone. It was pretty.
They sat in comfortable silence for a while, until Sam sighed quietly and turned to look at Bucky.
“I’m sorry that I snapped at you”, he stated calmly. Bucky shook his head in irritation.
“No, Sam, I-”
“Please, Buck, let me talk first, yeah?”
“Okay, sorry”, he mumbled, then shut his mouth. Sam chuckled.
“What I said- It wasn’t fair to you. It was the truth , but that doesn’t make it a fair thing to say. You couldn’t have known about Riley. You couldn’t have known how much things have been eating me up inside. And you’ve really come a long way, from trying to kill me, to just hating me, tolerating me, being my friend and now to… this. You worked really hard on yourself and I know how much you struggle, too. It shouldn’t have made me so angry what you said, but I saw red. Riley… my deceased fiancé is one of my weakest points, you know. And you put me on the craziest emotional rollercoaster with those few words. You got unlucky and hit my Achilles heel.”
Despite the sad words - Sam smiled at Bucky. Honest, forgiving.
“Sam, I-”, Bucky started but the words got stuck in his throat, as everything he had wanted to say vanished from his mind. Wiped blank, by the sight that was Sam Wilson. “I’m sorry.”
“I know, it’s alright.”
“No, I mean- thank you for putting up with me and being so rational when I said such cruel things. And I’m sorry about Riley and Steve and Natasha and Karli. And I’m sorry for putting you on a pedestal and treating you like a medal, when I should’ve…”, towards the end Bucky trailed off, not because the words left him again, but because the fear didn’t.
“You should’ve…? Should’ve said a complete sentence?”, Sam supplied, a grin slowly forming on his face, as he brought back their playful banter. Bucky swallowed, unsure about his next move.
“When I should’ve just thanked my lucky stars that you feel the same and done this”, Bucky finished, because to hell with his fears. This was just Sam. And if Bucky interpreted everything wrong then - it would be embarrassing. But fine , because Sam wouldn’t hold this against him. Because Sam was a good man.
And a goddamn good kisser.
Holy shit. Bucky wasn’t sure if he got stuck in a daydream along the way, if he actually built up the courage to grab Sam’s waist, pull him closer and eventually lean in for the long overdue kiss. This felt too good to be true. But Sam’s hands were on his neck and his chest pressed to his, and his lips- if this was a daydream, it was the best, most realistic one Bucky ever had. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t a dream at all.
Sam pulled away first, a smile so blinding it could rival the sun.
“Yeah, you should’ve just done that. Lucky for you, I can’t stay mad at you for long”, he commented after a moment, grinning dumbly.
“Yeah, Lucky me”, Bucky whispered and dragged his boyfriend right back in for another kiss.
They still had a lot to talk about, a lot to work through, each their own trauma and tragic love stories to tell each other. Bucky’s forbidden love back in his true youth, Sam’s lost love from the military. It was a lot, but they weren’t alone.
Lucky, lucky me, each thought to themselves.