Chapter Text
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It’s been thirty-eight days, twelve minutes, and roughly forty-one seconds since Ellie left Jackson, since she left Joel. Not that she’s keeping track or counting down when she’ll see him again. Or the fact that she rode hard for a fucking week straight just to get back to Wyoming territory.
Knows now, deep in her bones that she should have never left.
With her heart in her throat and sweat rolling down the back of her shirt, she urges the horse forward, past the dam and the river of death, handkerchief crumpled in hand in anticipation for the horse hooves of the patrol unit she knows scour these trails every day.
Sure enough, a group of four on horseback come tromping over the ridge in the distance, and Ellie lifts the cloth that means friendly, don't fucking shoot high above her head and waves it until they close in on her, the horse beneath her prancing nervously, and she pats its neck to soothe them both. No one pulls a weapon, but it’s obvious that she’s being sized up as they inspect her. A few of the riders exchange glances when it’s clear that she’s just a kid. She tries not to scowl when it certainly wouldn't help her case.
The guy closest to her yanks down his bandana and his familiar face registers just as his dark eyes widen in astonishment. “Holy shit! What the fuck, Ellie!?” Josh chokes, face paling several shades, white knuckling his grip on the reins as he leans forward to get a better look at her like he can’t believe she’s actually here.
Josh, a dude in his early twenties who reminds her so much of Henry that it always makes her chest ache, is a trusted patroller and often partner to either Joel or Tommy, depending on the shift lineup. Ellie always liked him because he encouraged her shitty puns, even gave her a few of his own. He was what Joel called good people, and he was cool as shit.
“Where the hell have you been, kid? Jesus, it’s– it’s been fucking weeks! You scared the ever loving shit out of us, running off like you did! Fuck! We thought you were–” Josh exclaims, abruptly cutting himself off, breathing heavily as his gaze continuously scans her anxiously. “C’mon, we gotta getcha home right now.”
There’s a sense of urgency in his tone that has her swallowing back nausea, knowing she caused it and having no idea what might await her back in Jackson. If she’s even got a family that still wants her. A home to go back to anymore. If Joel will even want to see her. Let alone Tommy or Maria.
Before she can even respond, he’s saddling up right next to her and snatching her reins out of her hands before she can protest and tying them to the horn on his saddle, like she might’ve come all this way just to try and make a break for it again. It’s a fear that makes her own insides twist unpleasantly because a month ago it wouldn’t have been unfounded. Ellie let’s herself and her horse be led towards town, trying not to chafe under the gazes of the patrollers who can’t seem to stop looking at her like she’s a ghost. Like she fucking died or some shit. It’s not something she wants to dwell on.
The ride back is really fucking tense and silent, and Josh keeps one eye on her the whole time, and she can’t exactly blame him for his paranoia. She’s a fucking flight risk right now.
Ellie wants desperately to ask about Joel, but the words stick in her throat, heart pounding faster at the prospect of hearing something she can’t handle. She ran off on him, without an explanation, in the dead of night. Left him asleep in his room, with the door cracked open so he’d hear her in case she woke up from nightmares, but she’d been careful not to wake him. She stole his favorite jacket, and lost his patrol horse, Thunder, ironically, in the middle of a really bad spring storm. She’s got a lot to answer to, and not a whole lot of ways she can explain without sounding crazy.
Joel is probably furious.
They near the front gates in just a few short miles, and Josh waves a handkerchief in the air and the doors swing open. It’s difficult not to feel like something that’s been out of whack for so fucking long seems to be shifting back into place again, and as shitty as it is, she knows that there was never another option. One way or another, she was gonna find her way back here to the life she feels like she’s done nothing to earn and everything to lose.
Josh helps her off the horse once they’re safely inside, the one she was given by the strange woman who saved her life, and immediately notices when Ellie sucks in a sharp breath and puts a hand to her side where the stitches are pulling painfully.
“You’re hurt,” Josh says, almost accusing and frowning deeply. “Why didn’t you say anything, Ellie?” He’s already moving aside her jacket, (Joel’s jacket) trying to get a better look at the damage but she shakes him off. “We need to get you to the clinic.”
“It’s nothing. A healing wound from weeks ago, I’m fine,” she dismisses, not budging when he bites the inside of his cheek, and folds his arms across his chest, trying to stare her down like she might be lying to get out of it.
“I swear, Josh. The stitches pull sometimes, but it’s getting better. I don’t need the fucking clinic.”
Ellie can tell from his expression that he wants to demand what the fuck happened out there. Why she ran away a month ago and why she’s back now, a little worse for wear, but alive and well and acting like it's no big deal.
“Fine,” he says lowly, grudging. “But if I think you’re getting worse or something, I’m fucking dragging your ass to the clinic, you get me, pipsqueak?” Josh arches a brow, and it has her rolling her eyes and nodding just to get him to back off. Jesus, he can just about give Joel and Tommy a run for their money in the protectiveness department.
With that mostly settled, Josh turns to the person closest to him and demands that they go fetch Maria and have her meet them in the dining hall. Ellie nearly interjects right then, wondering why he’s asking for her and not Joel. Josh sees her confusion and squeezes her shoulder, an expression she doesn’t care for pulling his face tight with tension.
“I’ll explain in a bit,” he murmurs, encouraging her forward with a gentle hand at her back. “Let’s get some food in ya, you gotta be starving. Get any thinner and you’re liable to blow away, kid.” Josh has a hint of a southern accent, similar to Joel and Tommy’s thick Texas drawl, but different too. It’s familiar and oddly comforting. She wants to soak it up just in case.
The last thing Ellie feels like doing is eating, but she doesn’t argue when he prods her into the direction of the dining hall. It’s better than the fucking clinic, even if people continue to stare at her as they go, murmuring to each other. She fights the urge to flip them off.
They sit at the table against the far wall, facing the door, the one Joel likes because he can see the whole room without having his back to anyone, and it makes her suddenly, violently heartsick for a man who she feels like she’s got no right to miss after what she did.
A plate of food gets placed in front of her, but she mostly picks at it while Josh plops onto the chair across from her, eyeing her with a face that is too damn emotional for her. He looks like he cares, that she left. That she came back. It’s all too much. She doesn’t deserve his concern.
“You should eat, Ellie,” Josh says softly, nudging the plate closer.
She pushes the potatoes that she normally loves around the plate. “I’m not fucking hungry. I wanna know where Joel is.” Why isn’t he here? Is he angry? Does he not wanna see me? She wants to ask, but isn’t sure she wants to know. Not if the answer is going to rip open a months old wound.
Ellie needs him to be okay more than she can ever remember needing anything in a long time. Maybe ever. She’s not sure what she’s gonna do if something happened while she was gone. If he got hurt on patrol or took a bad fall during one his contracting jobs in town.
Josh’s eyebrows furrow and his mouth tugs with clear confusion. “He’s out looking for you. Has been since you ran off. Tommy too.” Her mouth goes dry at that, not expecting it. The way he says it, like the answer should've been obvious.
Bracing his elbows on the table, he suddenly seems so fucking tired, and she notices for the first time the shadows underneath his bloodshot eyes. The exhaustion in his frame. “Practically had the whole damn town searching for that first week, and Maria’s had every patrol making extra rounds ever since, in case you ever turned up.” Running a hand through his short cropped hair, he releases a breath and shakes his head.
“Found your horse about thirty miles out about a week and half ago,” Josh says, voice cracking as he clenches his fists on top of the table. “Blood splattered on the saddle. Joel – Joel didn’t take it real well. Lost what little lick of sense he had and took off in the direction Thunder came from, Tommy on his heels. Last check in from them at the radio tower was three days ago.”
The blood in her veins turns to ice. Anything could have happened to them in three fucking days. God, what the fuck has she done? They never should have left. Never should have went after her, she isn’t fucking worth it.
“Shit, kid, where the hell did you go?” Josh wonders, and he’s got that look on his face again, like he’s seeing a damn miracle.
Maria bursts through the dining hall doors, head on a swivel, cutting off their conversation, and the second she sees Ellie at their usual table, she just about crumples with a relief that makes Ellie’s own eyes sting. No matter what Ellie does, she can’t seem to stop being fucking trouble. Too much trouble. The entire town being forced to look for her? Patrols running themselves into the ground with extra shifts? Joel and Tommy out there, God knows where, trying to find her? She’s always been more trouble than she’s worth.
Before Ellie can say one word, Maria is rushing towards her, desperate hands reaching and yanking her into a tight hug. Pressed against the woman’s chest, Ellie can feel the way Maria’s heart is pounding fast. Her own arms coming up so slow to return the embrace. Hesitant to accept what shouldn’t belong to her when all she really wants to do is sink into it and never let go.
It’s a long moment before Maria reluctantly pulls back to get a good look at her. Ellie’s breath catches when she notices the tear tracks on Maria’s face and it suddenly makes her feel even worse. How much she keeps fucking up. No matter what she does, someone gets hurt, someone pays the price.
“Oh honey,” Maria says, breathless and sniffling and it’s the most emotion that Ellie has ever seen from her, especially aimed at her. She grips tightly to Ellie’s shoulders, seemingly speechless but Ellie can see the millions of questions in her eyes, begging to know why she ran away. Maria settles on, “I’m so glad you’re okay. That you came home.” Ellie blinks wetly and looks down at her worn out sneakers.
Maria barely glances away long enough to say something to Josh about sending a message to the radio tower as soon as possible so they can get word to Joel and Tommy. Ellie can’t help a flinch at that, and Maria just squeezes her shoulder gently, a silent reassurance.
“C’mon, sweetie, let’s go get you cleaned up and in some clean clothes. I’ll give your hair a trim too if you’re up for it. How’s that sound?”
Maria is being way too kind to her, when Ellie is the reason her husband isn’t home with his family. Why he’s out there in danger, out in the open where anything could happen to him. Maria should be giving her hell for the shit she pulled, not welcoming her back with open arms. Not with a gentleness that makes her ache.
But when Maria leads her from the dining hall towards the little blue house that Ellie hopes is still hers, she doesn’t fight it.
The bouquets of flowers strewn across the porch of #38 as they walk up the stairs to the front door does make her pause. A glance at Maria shows a sharp, tense edge to her expression that wasn’t there earlier, a heartbreaking sort of stifled devastation that has Ellie jolting with a realization that chills her all the way through.
The flowers are for mourning. They’re for her. The thought turns her stomach sour.
“Don’t worry about that, I’ll get rid of them. Go on up and hop in the shower,” Maria says firmly, jaw set and eyes clouded, opening the door for her. “I’ll cut your hair when you get out.” A palm on her back coaxes her inside and Ellie goes willingly, feeling remarkably like a stranger in her own house even though everything looks exactly the same. Maria hesitates in the doorway like she doesn’t want to leave.
Ellie realizes with a guilty pang that she isn’t trusted to be alone. There’s a fear in the set of Maria’s shoulders like Ellie might bolt if she looks away. Ellie isn’t sure how to reassure her.
“I’ll be right down here if you need anything, ok?” Maria looks like she wants to say more, but must have decided against it for some reason.
“Okay,” Ellie whispers, and makes her way up the stairs and to her room.
She doesn’t lose her shit until the door is shut and locked and one glance around her space reveals that not one thing has been moved or touched. It’s exactly as she left it a month ago. Bed half made, dirty socks by the closet door, her stuffed giraffe lays sideways on the window seat, and her favorite space book sits on the side table, pages creased by how often she’s opened it. Her sketchbook and stack of pencils haphazardly strewn across the desk, as if she’d dumped them from her backpack just yesterday when she’d been looking for something and not what felt like a lifetime ago.
It makes her choke and heave and her body wrack with the sudden sobs that crawl up her throat and tumble out. And then she collapses onto her bed, curls up in a ball and stifles her cries as best she can into her pillow, worried that the commotion will bring Maria barging up here.
More than anything in the world, she just wants Joel, even though she feels like she’s got no right to ask anything of him. She wants his strong arms holding her, and his hand in her hair, soothing her to sleep after a bad dream. She wants him to call her baby girl and tug at her ponytail and chide her over giving him gray hair. She wants movie nights and popcorn fights, and falling asleep on his shoulder even though his arm always goes numb and they both complain about body aches the next morning.
God, she really misses him. So badly it feels like she can't even breathe.
She needs him. He needs her. They need each other. And Ellie promised Sarah that she’d make this right.
No matter what.
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