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He's been warned about his habit of drinking and driving more than once, so Ray isn't entirely surprised to open his eyes after Mew's disaster of a birthday party and find himself in a hospital bed. Deep down he'd always sort of known it was coming - he took too many chances really and his luck had to run out at some point - but he'd always assumed that if he woke up, he'd be disappointed. To feel relieved instead is a bit concerning.
Even more concerning is seeing his dad sleeping on the small sofa in his room. Even in sleep his face is drawn, eyebrows scrunched together in what looks like pain.
Ray tries to sit up and it feels like his entire body screams in protest. He makes a small, wounded noise, and across the room his dad's eyes fly open. He sits up, blinking owlishly. When he sees that Ray's awake, his eyes widen, and Ray braces himself for a lecture.
His jaw drops when his rigid, stern father buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.
"Dad?" he says, alarm growing when that only causes him to let out an audible sob. It's terrifying. "Dad, don't, I -" Ray tries to reach out but it hurts and he makes another soft sound of pain, but it gets his dad's attention. He looks up, cheeks glistening with tears and eyes still full. When he sees the state Ray is in - face scrunched in pain and confusion - he stands, wipes hastily at his face.
"I'll get the doctor," he says. Before he leaves the room, he looks back at Ray and says, in a shaky voice that is almost scarier than the tears, "I'm so glad you're alive."
Ray finds out about the accident in bits and pieces - the last thing he remembers is looking in his rearview mirror to find Sand following him and feeling a spike of utter fury that he hadn't listened. The streets had been wet from a recent rain; he'd skidded, overcorrected and spun the car before hitting a curb and flipping. There he'd hung, unconscious, until emergency services had arrived. He'd broken his femur, his wrist, and three ribs, and had been unconscious for three days. It hurt to breathe; one of his ribs had punctured his lung and it had really been that that had nearly ended his life.
He felt lucky to still have it. It was crazy but true; he'd gotten into the car knowing he might not come back but now he knows that he didn't really want to die, that part of his fury at Sand was brought on by the sharp relief he'd felt when he saw him following behind. Sand cared about him, would never let him get truly hurt.
Which is why his absence in the following Ray's waking is so confusing. The first few days make sense - Ray isn't allowed any visitors but his dad and the counselor they make him see for his addiction, no longer allowed to pretend that isn't what it is - but even after that, when his restrictions are removed and his other friends begin to come in and out, Sand is notable by his absence.
Mew is the first, pale and solemn and red eyed, taking his hand and apologizing for his part in what happened as silent tears leak from his eyes. Chueam, who makes as if to smack him on the shoulder, realizes that there is no place to touch that isn't at least a little beat up, and bursts into tears, threatening to kill him for real if he ever pulls a stunt like this again. Even Boston, not with the others but with the same shell-shocked look in his eyes as theirs. He stares at Ray for several seconds, then tells him that he's glad he's not dead in a trembling sort of voice that unnerves him almost as much as his father's tears.
There are so many changes to catch up with even in such a short time - Mew and Top breaking up, Boston being ejected from the friend group, his own new situation with his dad and with enforced rehab - that Ray could be forgiven for forgetting Sand entirely, but he doesn't. Each time he hears footsteps outside his room he looks up, eager, and the disappointment and bewildered hurt grows as each time, someone else steps through his door. The first thing he does when he gets his phone back is to text Sand, but every message goes ignored, all of his calls unanswered.
With each day that passes with no word Ray grows more and more certain that Sand has finally had enough and written him off for good, and why shouldn't he? Ray had shoved him, hurt him, insulted him. Worse, he didn't listen when Sand begged him not to drive in his state; had pushed him to the ground and done it anyway, endangering his own life and the lives of others. He'd done all this, and then forced Sand to be the one to save him yet again - because he has no doubt that Sand was the only reason he is alive right now.
Who wouldn’t be done after that?
He tries to pretend that it doesn't matter, that he understands, but he's selfish. He's always been selfish, he wants Sand back, and if there's any way to make that happen he'll take it, no matter how Sand feels about it.
It's Mew he asks. He visits often, and he's gentler with Ray than he's been in years. It's almost like the old days, and even a month prior Ray would be in seventh heaven, seeing how much Mew cares. How scared he was to lose him. But these days his thoughts are far too preoccupied with someone else, and so when Mew next stops by Ray barely lets him sit down before the question is tripping off of his tongue.
"Have you seen Sand at all? He hasn't come and he won't answer any of my calls or texts; he must really hate me, right?" Ray plays with the blanket covering him to avoid looking at Mew; smoothing out invisible wrinkles He's jittery, terrified that Mew will answer in the affirmative. Ray knows he deserves Sand's hate, he does, but he just - he can't -
Mew doesn't answer; is silent so long that Ray finally looks up to see him staring at him with his mouth open and his eyes wide.
Alarm flickers through Ray; his heart speeds up and he can feel himself start to sweat even in the cool of the room.
"What?" he says when Mew still doesn't speak. "Mew, what is it?"
Mew's mouth closes. He opens it again as if to speak, hesitates, then shuts it again. Ray is about to demand answers again when Mew finally opens his mouth to talk.
"I thought you knew," is what he says, and Ray feels the world drop away from him. It's not just alarm going through him now but pure panic, and he ignores the ache in his ribs and his leg as he sits forward, reaching out to grab at Mew's arm.
"Knew what, Mew? Knew what ?"
Mew swallows hard. His eyes dart away from Ray's, and he speaks more to the floor than him when he answers. "That night, Sand was following you on his motorcycle, and when your car spun out of control, it, it…" he shakes his head. "He was alive when they brought you both here, but his injuries…"
Ray's entire body goes numb; his hand falls away from Mew's arm and his head feels with white noise. His chest feels hollowed out; he barely registers the way his breath shortens or when the monitors he's attached to start going crazy, doesn't even notice that he can't breathe. Can't hear Mew yelling, calling for help, as Ray gasps for air.
Sand. His beautiful, patient, far too kind Sand. Gone. Gone because of him, because he was too caught up in himself to listen and hand over his keys. Because he was too involved in his own self-pity to think about anyone else.
He knows without having to ask why he hasn't heard anything, why there have been no police in his room, no accusing stares and harsh questions. His dad. Of course. Covering for him as always, getting him off the hook. Saving his life while Ray ruined everyone else's. To his dad, what happened to Sand is nothing more than another mess of Ray's to clean - hopefully the last if Ray can sober up. There's no way he could know how much Sand meant, how he was only there because he was stupid enough to care about Ray.
No way he could know how much Ray loved him. How could he, when Ray himself didn't know until this moment?
There's commotion around him, Mew pushed to the side as nurses and doctors work to keep Ray's seizing body from shutting down, but Ray doesn't register them. The pain is too huge, it takes up all of his attention, and he knows that even when his body heals it won't leave him. Not for a long time, maybe never.
His vision begins to go dark and Ray welcomes it, rushing towards that darkness with a feeling like relief. He doesn't want to be awake in a world that Sand isn't in; wants to close his eyes and open them again and have this all be some horrible nightmare.
For the first time since waking up, he wishes he hadn't.