Chapter Text
Curiosity Killed the Cat
_______________________
So, Jungwon knew it was wrong.
Of COURSE he did.
He wasn't stupid.
But...
Even smart people can make dumb decisions sometimes, right?
Right???
Jungwon cycled through this singular thought over and over as he sat leaned against the door to his bedroom, cradling his legs and staring down at his kneecaps.
He could still faintly hear the sounds, muffled through the walls, but distinctly recognizable.
The rhythmic creaking of the bed.
Mangled moans from an unfamiliar face pressed down into dark blue sheets.
Jungwon's palms were sweating, his face flushed all the way up to his ears.
He shouldn't have looked.
Fuck.
Jungwon swallowed, a weird feeling swelling up in his chest.
Why did he look?
He'd thought it was strange when Jay didn't respond to his text about dance practice being cancelled, but Jungwon figured Jay was just busy, so he snagged a ride home from Ni-ki's mom.
He fully expected to arrive home and find Jay sprawled out in his usual spot on the couch, head lulled over and passed out with whatever new F1 YouTube video he was watching playing absently on the screen.
Instead, Jungwon unlocked the front door to find the living room unusually silent, making the house feel eerily empty.
Jay's car was in the driveway, so he was definitely home.
But Jungwon didn't think too much about it as he took off his shoes, making his way to the hallway to drop his bag into his room.
Then he heard it.
Jungwon froze infront of his bedroom door, his head immediately snapping towards Jay's room.
The door at the end of the hall was cracked open, with a lewd smacking sound suddenly leaking out.
His first thought was that Jay was watching porn.
Jungwon's face immediately burned red, secondhand embarrassment flooding through him.
Jeez, did he really have to play it so loud?
He'd pretend he didn't hear it.
Right.
That was an awkward conversation that Jungwon was NOT about to have with his step-brother.
Jungwon's hand reached out for the door handle beside him, ready to turn the knob, when an unrecognizable voice suddenly called out, sobbing and broken-sounding.
"Hah... Fuck, Jay, ngh..... AH!"
Jungwon's hand stilled on the brass, his heart beginning to pound all the way up through his ears as something sharp twisted through his gut.
Oh my God.
What the hell??
While Jungwon was vaguely aware that Jay dated before, he'd never brought anyone home, and Jungwon had never met any of his partners.
He'd never thought too much about Jay's relationships.
At home, Jungwon was the center of Jay's world, and Jay never failed to make him feel like it.
So why should he care?
It didn't matter who Jay dated.
At the end of the day, Jungwon was his brother.
There was no one closer to Jay than him.
However....
As Jungwon stood frozen in the hallway, a sick feeling started to pour through him, like some impending cloud of doom had begun to rain down suddenly.
See, he should've been feeling sick by the thought of his brother having sex with someone in the next room.
By the thought of Jay having sex in general.
He should be grossed out.
He should be ignoring it, and going into own his room.
Instead, Jungwon's body moved as if in a trance, taking careful steps toward the cracked open door feeling like he'd been possessed.
Then he saw it.
Jay, fully undressed, toned body hovering over a pale one that was arched ass-up.
Jay's hand was wrapped through their hair, pressing them down roughly into the mattress.
"Done already?" Jay hummed, hips flexing forward as he rocked against their ass.
His ass.
It was a guy, Jungwon briefly registered.
The thought was fleeting, because all of his attention was on JAY.
It was a Jay he'd never seen before.
Hair brushed back and slightly damp with sweat, his eyebrows pulled together in focus.
The torso Jungwon had seen hundreds of times suddenly took on a new appearance, ab muscles straining visibly with each thrust.
The heavy breaths Jay let out were husky and uneven, his dark eyes burning with desire.
It was like seeing a complete stranger.
Jungwon felt weird.
He felt sick, but....
"N-no.... I can keep going...." The man whimpered, desperation obvious in his tone.
"Really?" Jay smirked, and Jungwon immediately turned his head away, feeling like he'd been scalded by the expression.
Holy shit.
What the hell was that??
Jungwon practically ran back to his bedroom, feeling like all the energy had been drained from his body as he closed the door and slid down against it.
He couldn't erase the imagery from his mind.
All he could do was repeat his self-scolding over and over in his head, trying to chase away the avalanche of thoughts overwhelming him.
Jungwon was confused.
Confused by this gut wrenching pain he felt from seeing his brother rail someone on the bed he'd slept in far too many times.
Confused by the blistering irritation that was mixed in.
By the sense of loss that was hollowing out his chest.
But most of all....
By the unexpected boner he was getting from the sight of Jay like that.
Sheesh.
Because Jay seemed so.........
Hot.
Fuck.
Don't think about it.
Why did he look?
Jungwon groaned, burying his face in his arms.
Forget it.
Just forget it.
Jungwon waited there silently for a while, listening all the way through the sounds of running water from the bathroom and footsteps in the hallway, until he heard the front door opening.
He immediately jumped up, darting out of his room to glance around the corner.
His stomach dropped as he realized the guy hadn't left yet.
Jay was leaned against the doorframe, staring down at the man next to him.
Now that the man's face was visible, Jungwon could see that he was quite pretty.
Jungwon frowned unconsciously.
The man blinked up at Jay, smiling coyly.
"Same time next week?"
Jay sighed, running a hand through his wet hair. "Maybe. I don't know. We'll see."
Jungwon's hand clenched unconsciously at his side.
Next week?
Was this a recurring thing?
How had he never noticed??
"Right." The man grinned, suddenly leaning up to plant a chaste kiss on Jay's lips. "Seeya later."
They kissed.
Suddenly, it felt like the knife was being twisted and jammed into Jungwon harshly.
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
But why?
Jungwon felt empty as he watched the man skip out the doorway, with Jay pulling it closed lazily behind him.
And then, just as Jungwon moved to duck away, Jay's eyes locked with his across the room.
They both froze, Jay's hand pausing in mid-air as it pulled away from the front door.
Shit.
Panic bursted through Jungwon as Jay's eyes widened.
"Wonie?" Jay practically stuttered, blinking rapidly, like his eyes were deceiving him. "You...."
Jungwon straightened up reflexively, awkwardly stepping out from around the counter.
"When did you get home?" Jay finished, his adam's apple moving as his hand dropped down.
Jungwon stared back at him, the words feeling stuck in his throat.
"I... uh, just now. I think you were...... in the shower." Jungwon lied stiffly.
"Oh." Jay replied slowly, as if he was afraid of scaring him away. "That person just now.... it was—"
"I'm tired." Jungwon interrupted quickly, turning away.
He didn't want to hear it.
He didn't want to know more.
"I'm gonna go do my homework." Jungwon spoke as he walked, practically sprinting back to his room and pulling the door closed.
His heart was thundering, a roar of unease overwhelming him.
Jungwon flopped onto his bed, closing his eyes to hold in the tears that were threatening to surface.
He wasn't sure why he cried, but he did.
He cried a lot.
Everything felt confusing, a mix of unfamiliar emotions blurring together.
It hurt.
At some point Jungwon fell asleep, but he eventually woke to the sound of his door creaking open.
He laid rigidly still as he felt movement around him, doing is best to keep his breaths even.
"Jungwon-ah." Jay's voice was soft and low when it came, his hand brushing up through Jungwon's hair gently. "Dinner's ready."
"...Not hungry." Jungwon mumbled sleepily, rolling over to face the wall.
His heart began to pound as he felt the bed sinking behind him, Jay naturally climbing in to pull him into a hug.
This was normal for them, but....
The image from earlier suddenly resurfaced in Jungwon's mind, causing him to flush in the dark.
"What happened?" Jay mumured into the back of his neck, his hand finding Jungwon's stomach and brushing over it slowly.
It felt prickly.
Jungwon was weird.
He felt weird, the heat of Jay's body slowly melting against him.
"You got home early today. Did something happen at practice?"
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Could Jay hear his heart beating like this?
"...No, just... had a bad day." Jungwon replied after a while, trying to breathe calmly.
"Really?" Jay hummed, his voice vibrating through his chest against Jungwon's back. "You don't want to talk about it?"
Jungwon felt like he was burning alive, with Jay's 'Really?' bringing the smirk from before back into his brain.
It was hard to think clearly.
"No." Jungwon whispered, his voice hardly audible.
Don't think about that anymore.
Jungwon wanted to erase the memory from his mind completely.
"Are you hurt? Do I need to kill someone?" Jay joked softly.
Jungwon thought about the man from earlier, discomfort twisting up inside of him again.
He rolled over, shifting to rest his head against Jay's chest and breathing in the familiar scent.
He smelled normal.
Like Jay.
There were no traces of the man from before.
"No." Jungwon said again, relaxing finally. "I'm okay now."
Jay's arm was warm, wrapping over him to squeeze him into a hug.
"Good." Jungwon could hear the smile in Jay's voice as he spoke. "Will you please come eat? I made your favorite short ribs, I don't want them to go to waste..."
Jungwon sighed, unable to stop the small smile from tugging at his own.
"Okay, okay. Let go now, you're crushing me."
This, here, was the Jay that Jungwon knew.
His Jay.
The Early Bird Gets the Worm
_____________________________
Jungwon didn't see the strange man again.
However....
Even after a few weeks passed by, Jungwon could NOT erase THAT memory from his brain.
He quickly realized this, as each passing day seemed to add on more to his warping imagination.
Jay looked good.
He always did, but now, more than ever before, Jungwon struggled to look away when they were in the same room together, his eyes naturally drawn to him like a magnet.
His honey skin, his perfect jawline.
The warm smile that made his eyes crinkle up at the corners, the one he reserved just for Jungwon.
He was captivating.
Jay had always been very physically affectionate, and Jungwon was having an even worse time with this.
Every little touch seemed to buzz through him like a static shock, but Jungwon did his best to act normal about it.
Nothing had changed, yet it felt like everything was different.
Jungwon avoided going to Jay's room after that day, but Jay still seemed perfectly content with coming to bother him in his.
On those nights, Jungwon found himself unable to sleep, laying restlessly against the arms that used to help him fall asleep so quickly.
Jay didn't notice at all.
At least, if he had, he chose not to acknowledge it, which was fine by Jungwon.
Whatever he was feeling, whatever was wrong with his brain, he'd sort it out on his own.
That was the plan, at least.
Every little thing since that day unexpectedly cultivated into one Monday morning mistake.
Jungwon woke up before his alarm, from a nightmare that'd been occurring far too often over the passing days.
The dream always ended at the front door, with Jay glancing over at him passively.
Then he'd lean down and grab the chin of a faceless man, kissing him slowly.
Deliberately.
Jungwon could feel the discomfort crawling over his skin as he rolled out of bed, making his way to the kitchen for a glass of cold water.
He put some ice into an empty cup groggily.
He paused as he poured water into the glass, glancing up and noticing the TV in the living room had been left on.
Jungwon made his way over curiously, drinking slowly as he studied the familiar lump of blanket on the couch.
As if sensing his presence, Jay stirred in his sleep, rolling over with a soft hum to face him.
Jungwon blinked down at him, crouching slightly and setting his glass on the coffee table beside them.
Jay was fast asleep, his breathing even and slow as his bangs fell messily over his face.
Jungwon let himself stare for a while, smiling fondly as he tucked the tiny strands of hair out of the way.
Jay looked so peaceful like this.
Unconsciously, Jungwon's eyes dropped down to Jay's lips, that nightmare still fresh in his brain.
A thought entered his mind, forbidden and unwelcome.
A bad one.
One he shouldn't be having at all.
He wondered what it'd feel like.
Jungwon swallowed, his eyebrows creasing on his forehead.
It was a bit embarrassing, considering he'd just turned 18, but Jungwon had never kissed anyone before.
He'd never really had a crush on anyone, and spent all his time in school on his studies and dancing.
But this....
This was his brother.
It wasn't right.
Why did he want to kiss him?
It was weird.
But....
Jungwon found himself unable to move away, frozen in place, his eyes tapered to Jay's parted lips, relaxed in his sleep.
Maybe....
Just once?
Jungwon's heart was hammering in his chest, anticipation burning through him.
He could try it, just once.
Just to figure out what was going on with his head, to confirm that this was weird, that it wasn't important.
That it didn't mean anything.
Right.
Jay was infamously impossible to wake up.
He wouldn't even notice it.
Finally, Jungwon gave in to the urging temptation of his subconscious, leaning forward carefully.
He tilted his head over, pausing as he felt Jay's steady breath tickling his cheek.
After another moment of hesitance, Jungwon leaned all the way in, pressing his lips over Jay's lightly.
Immediately, Jungwon felt a wave of excitement pour through him, dopamine coursing through his blood like a drug.
Jay's lips were warm.
So warm.
And soft.
Jungwon was completely still, his breathing becoming unsteady the longer he stayed in place.
The sound of a door opening somewhere down the hall finally broke him from his spell.
Jungwon jumped away quickly, scrambling to his feet in panic.
His mother appeared lazily from around the corner, pausing in surprise as she spotted Jungwon.
"Wonie? What're you doing up?" She yawned.
Shit.
"I– Getting some water." Jungwon replied in a daze, his face flushing as he moved to grab his water glass.
Jesus Christ.
What did he just do?
"Ah." His mother's attention moved to the couch. "Did Jongseong sleep on the couch again? Wake him up, tell him to go to his room before his dad wakes up."
"Okay." Jungwon replied as normally as possible, trying his best to keep his voice from shaking.
He glanced down then.
His chest immediately dropped.
Jay was blinking up at him, his expression blank.
Oh my God.
Jungwon nearly dropped the glass in shock, catching it at the last second with his other hand as the ice clinked together loudly.
When the hell did Jay wake up?
Shit.
Did he notice it?
There was no way, right?
Jungwon stared down at Jay, searching his eyes for an answer, but he couldn't tell.
Jay just sat up sleepily, reaching his hand out to wrap around Jungwon's wrist and pull him closer.
"Thirsty." Jay said huskily, pulling the water glass down to his lips.
Fuck.
Jungwon let him, tilting it up shakily and trying not to stare as the lips he'd just touched formed to the shape of the glass.
Thank God Jay's hand was holding his wrist steady.
Jungwon felt like he'd drop the cup any second, like his hand was melting through the glass and the ice and his brain.
Shit.
When Jay finished, he leaned back into the cushion, wiping the sleep from his eyes slowly.
"G'mornin." Jay smiled softly.
Jungwon was caught off-guard by the greeting, bowing his head instinctively in response.
"Do you want a ride to school today?" Jay offered suddenly, his voice much clearer after drinking the water. "I'm up now anyway."
Jungwon blinked back at him, his heart pounding restlessly as the question sat between them.
"Speaking of," Jungwon's mother's voice cut in from the kitchen, "Wonie, when are you going to enroll in the driving course? You only have a few months left until graduation. You can't expect Jongseong to drive you around forever."
Jungwon was running on autopilot, unable to speak as the shock of the current situation overwhelmed him.
After a while, when Jungwon didn't respond, Jay did instead.
"If he doesn't want to drive, he doesn't need to. I don't mind driving him."
"He isn't doing it because you keep coddling him like this." His mother clicked her tongue as she spoke, shaking her head. "Are you going to drive him around when he's in University?"
"I'll drive him until he's in a retirement home, if it's what he wants." Jay replied seriously, his eyes never leaving Jungwon's.
A wave of warmness overcame Jungwon at Jay's words, the dopamine awakening him from his trance.
Everything was okay.
Jay was acting normal.
He should act normal, too.
"Thanks hyung." Jungwon said quietly, hardly able to control his smile.
Jay smiled back, and suddenly, Jungwon realized exactly what he was feeling.
It was bittersweet, the warmth of Jay's lips still ghosting his own a physical confirmation.
That uneasy feeling from before was jealousy.
Jealousy for a feeling he'd never get to have for himself.
He was closer to Jay than anyone in the world.
And yet...
Suddenly, Jungwon felt like the furthest away.
An Eye For An Eye
__________________
Jungwon was perfectly fine with going the rest of his life burying his newly-discovered feelings for Jay.
Because they weren't the kind of feelings he was allowed to have.
He couldn't bear the thought of things changing between them, of ruining the perfect dynamic that they already had.
He could hold them in.
Jungwon was good at that.
He was doing a fine job handling the situation alone.
Kinda.
He was.
At least, until the day HE showed up.
It was a Saturday.
Jungwon had a performance the next day, and his instructor always made a point of having them practice the morning before.
Jungwon had Jay pick him up around noon.
He could hardly hide the shock on his face when he found someone else sitting in the passenger seat of Jay's black VW.
Because that was always HIS spot.
HIS seat.
Jungwon stood awkwardly for a moment, until Jay poked his head out the driver side window, motioning for him to get in.
Jungwon reluctantly slid into the back, making sure to sit right the middle so he could get a clear view of the person in front.
Shockingly, it was the pretty man from before.
Jungwon felt depressed immediately, yanking his seatbelt roughly as he put it on.
Why did this guy suddenly appear again?
Wasn't he gone?
Jungwon had been very meticulously and very normally checking the house over the past few weeks, especially on Wednesday's, but he'd never found any signs of the man showing up again.
He'd hoped that the guy had disappeared from Jay's life completely.
Jungwon's eyes met briefly with Jay's through the rearview mirror, who was watching him with an eyebrow raised.
Jungwon ignored him, turning to stare down at his thighs.
"This is Kim Sunoo, an underclassman from my University." Jay's voice came loudly from the front as he began driving.
Sunoo turned his whole head back to face Jungwon, grinning excitedly. "You're Jungwon, right?"
Jungwon nodded stiffly, feeling sick to his stomach.
Those two seemed so familiar.
Are they really.... together?
Like....... that?
"Hyung talks about you allllllll the time." Sunoo continued happily, as if he wasn't completely ruining Jungwon's day just by existing.
Then Sunoo lowered his voice, cupping his hand back conspiratorially. "Honestly, if he didn't tell me you were brothers, I would've thought you were—"
"Can you shut up?" Jay hissed, yanking the steering wheel to the side and forcing Sunoo to lean back in his seat.
Sunoo laughed, but Jungwon was glowering, jealousy twisting up inside of him.
Fuck.
They even had inside jokes.
Jungwon hated it.
Jay didn't explain why Sunoo was there, and Jungwon didn't ask, too afraid of hearing the answer.
The air felt bitter.
The car ride would've been silent if it weren't for Sunoo chattering, going on about some event that was happening at their University.
All Jungwon could focus on was Jay, who kept his focus on the road, nodding every once in a while in agreement with whatever Sunoo was saying.
Jungwon's fists were balled up in his lap, and he was doing everything he could to keep his expression normal.
Unexpectedly, they went straight home.
Jungwon stood a few feet away as he watched Jay unlocking their door, with Sunoo standing beside him like HE was the one who lived there.
Jay let Sunoo go in first, glancing back at Jungwon with his eyebrows furrowed.
"You okay?" Jay spoke lowly, just for him to hear.
No, I'm not okay.
I don't like him.
I hate seeing you with him.
Why is he here?
The words sat unspoken on Jungwon's tongue.
Eventually, he just nodded, brushing past Jay to go inside.
Jungwon went straight to his room, ignoring the sound of Sunoo's voice as he moved past him.
Nothing had even happened yet, but Jungwon could already feel the tears brimming his eyes again, frustration blooming within him.
It wasn't right.
It wasn't fair.
What the hell could he even do about it?
Jungwon felt like he was losing it.
Then, suddenly...
The doorbell rang.
They only just got home.
Who could it be?
Jungwon blinked, unable to stop himself from poking his head out to look after hearing commotion in the living room.
Three more people had arrived.
While Jungwon didn't recognize the other two, he was familiar with Lee Heeseung, Jay's best friend.
Heeseung spotted Jungwon immediately and waved him over with a grin. "Jungwonie! I haven't seen you in forever!"
Jungwon made his way over obediently, smiling as Heeseung wrapped an arm over his shoulder familiarly. "Hey, hyung. It's been a while."
"Wow, is this the famous little brother Jay's been hiding away?" One of the two guys beside him joked.
"I can see why." The other followed up with his eyebrows raised.
Jay cleared his throat, staring daggers at the group.
"Wonie... these two are also my University classmates, Jake and Sunghoon. Now that you've been introduced," Jay turned his attention fully to Jungwon, his gaze lingering on his shoulder for a moment before softening. "Do you wanna go rest in my room? I know your show's early tomorrow. These guys are just here to watch the F2 Championship."
Jungwon's chest panged painfully at the words.
Jay's room was the furthest away from the living room.
Did he not want Jungwon around his friends?
Didn't they usually watch the races together?
And wait, why the hell were they watching F2??
Before Jungwon could protest, Heeseung's voice came from next to him.
"Hey, there's no need to send him away. He's 18 now. I think he can handle the adult talk." Heeseung laughed, gripping Jungwon's shoulder reassuringly.
Jay stared at them with a strange expression.
Did he really want him to go away that badly?
Jungwon's eyes moved to glance at Sunoo unconsciously, who was moving to sit down on the couch.
"I wanna watch." Jungwon said quickly, pulling Heeseung over to sit down on the two-seater with him.
Jay watched them move across the room, but he didn't argue it, moving to the kitchen to unpack whatever bags Jake and Sunghoon carried in.
Jungwon could feel the eyes of the others on him as they all moved to sit, so he turned to Heeseung, trying to think of something to talk about.
"How is, um, League of Legends? You still play that, right?" Jungwon spoke hesitantly.
Heeseung grinned, leaning back into the cushions. "I do. It's... going. There's no real WINNING in League. Just eternal suffering. Last time I played, I got this Malphite Top that had 7 deaths in 5 minutes, and he...."
Jungwon's attention wandered back to the kitchen as Heeseung spoke about his game, watching as Jay brushed his hair out of his face and collected an armful of cans.
Jay made his way to the living room, passing a can of beer to everyone except Jungwon, who recieved a can of Cola.
Jungwon's ears burned as he took the soda, suddenly feeling out of place.
Heeseung laughed next to him, opening his can of beer casually and speaking to Jay. "C'mon man. He's old enough, it's not like we're outside. Let him have some."
Jay glanced at Jungwon, shaking his head. "He's never had beer before."
"Seriously?" Jake gwaffed in disbelief from the bigger couch. "That's criminal. You're sheltering him waaay too much."
"You can try some of mine, if you want." Heeseung offered, holding the can out to him.
Jungwon looked over to Jay reflexively for permission, watching as he sat down, on the end of the couch, right beside..... Sunoo.
Sunoo scooted over happily, moving closer to Sunghoon to make room for Jay.
The three cushion couch was crowded with four people on it, so Jay and Sunoo's arms were pressed together closely.
Jungwon felt ill seeing it, no longer caring about Jay's opinion as he took the can from Heeseung.
The taste of beer was bitter, like some strange metallic water, but he gulped it down anyways, ignoring the burn on his throat.
It tasted awful.
The others began to cheer, encouraging him happily, but Jay was silent, his expression unreadable as he watched him.
Quickly, Heeseung reached a hand out to stop him, pulling the can away with a chuckle. "Not all at once, kid. Take it easy. If you like it that much, I'll get you your own can and—"
"That's enough." Jay interrupted, a warning in his tone. "He tried it. No more."
Sunoo laughed from next to him, and Jungwon could feel the jealousy bubbling up again, turning his head away to calm himself down.
He hardly registered Jay leaning over and confiscating the half-empty can from Heeseung, trading it for his unopened one.
Annoying.
The F2 circuit wasn't as exciting as the Tier 1 division, but apparently there was a driver Jake liked in it, so they were watching it for him.
Jungwon spent most of the time sitting quietly, listening to their idle banter and responding lightly whenever a comment would be thrown his way.
Saturday's in F2 were for the Sprint Race, which usually only took about an hour to complete.
Afterwards, the group decided to put on a horror movie.
Jungwon knew Jay was bad with horror movies, so he voted against it with him, but they were unfortunately outnumbered.
Jay pulled out a few blankets for them to use, and Jungwon watched with his own horror as Jay shared his blanket with Sunoo.
The blanket he usually shared with Jungwon.
Every time a jump scare would appear on the screen, Jay would clutch onto Sunoo's arm dramatically, the same way he would with Jungwon when they watched them together.
The others just laughed it off, but Jungwon thought that was THEIR thing, and now Jay was doing it with someone else.
Right in front of his face.
The worst part?
Jungwon couldn't do a thing about it.
He felt so frustrated, with nowhere to direct his emotions.
Would Jay understand his feelings?
Was there any way to make him understand?
Jungwon glanced at Heeseung beside him, the only one who wasn't using a blanket.
Then he got an idea.
"Hyung." Jungwon whispered sweetly, just loud enough for Jay to hear. "Do you want to share my blanket?"
Heeseung looked back at him in surprise, blinking for a moment before nodding. "Sure, why not."
But instead of just moving the blanket, Jungwon moved his entire body with it, scooting closer and tilting to rest his head against Heeseung's arm.
Jungwon felt Heeseung stiffen beside him, but he didn't move away, so Jungwon kept his eyes on the screen, making it look normal.
Like this wasn't the first time he'd ever laid so close to someone that wasn't Jay or his mother.
It was an intimate act, something he hadn't even done with his own best friend, Ni-ki.
After a few minutes, Jungwon snuck a glance over at Jay, their eyes unexpectedly meeting.
Jay's gaze was burning into him, his jaw set in an expression Jungwon could recognize as discomfort.
Jungwon's eyes widened, looking away quickly as a thrill ran through him unexpectedly.
Was Jay... angry?
Because of him?
Because of what he was doing?
Did he see it right?
Jungwon could hardly believe it, glancing over again, but Jay was already looking away, his attention locked onto the movie.
Still, his jaw was clenched, his posture stiff.
Jungwon knew him well enough to know.
He was definitely bothered by something.
Secretly, Jungwon was pleased.
Until his eyes suddenly locked with Sunoo's instead, who studied Jungwon for a moment before leaning over to whisper something into Jay's ear, his lips practically touching it.
Jay visibly relaxed after whatever he told him.
Jungwon's stomach dropped.
Right.
What did it matter?
There was no reason for it to matter.
His chest hurt.
Jungwon's jealousy was painful and ugly, making him feel irrational.
By the end of the movie, he was completely restless, chewing on the inside of his cheek to try and contain himself.
As the lights were turned on and the others began to clean up, Jungwon turned to look at Heeseung, who had slowly leaned over the arm of the couch under Jungwon's weight.
He looked back at Jungwon, a light smile on his face.
Jungwon had never considered it much, but Heeseung was pretty handsome himself.
He got an idea.
Jungwon glanced over at Sunoo and Jay, who were now standing in the kitchen, leaned over the counter-top and talking about something together.
Maybe Jungwon was only feeling like this because he'd never tried to consider anyone else.
Right?
Maybe this feeling would disappear if he could find someone else too.
Jungwon balled his fist up under the blanket.
"Heeseung-hyung, will you come with me for a sec?" Jungwon said quietly, looking at him intently.
Heeseung blinked at him, his deer-like eyes filled with confusion.
"Ah? Uh, okay."
Actually, this was just an excuse.
Jungwon led Heeseung to his bedroom, purposely leaving the door cracked open a couple inches.
Actually, in his heart, Jungwon already knew.
He'd been trying for so long already to make this feeling disappear.
But as long as Jay was in his life, it definitely wouldn't, and Jungwon couldn't live without him in it.
Jay was everything to him.
Jungwon could never tell Jay about his feelings, so he decided to do a test instead.
Would Jay care if he was with someone else, too?
He didn't want to be with anyone else, but at least, he did trust Heeseung, and he did sorta like him.... as a person.
His brain felt foggy, hazy from all his pent-up feelings.
Well, that and the alcohol.
Jungwon led Heeseung over to his bed, directing him to sit down.
Heeseung hesitated, glancing down at Jungwon curiously. "What's going on? Did something happen?"
"Just... sit first." Jungwon spoke nervously, twisting his fingers behind his back.
He knew what he was doing wasn't right.
But the moment he heard Sunoo's laughter echoing from the kitchen, he steeled his resolve.
Heeseung sat down slowly, staring at Jungwon as he sank onto the mattress.
"So?"
Jungwon swallowed, gathering his courage as he recalled what he'd seen in his BL comics.
He flexed all at once, moving quickly before Heeseung could pull away.
Jungwon crawled over Heeseung's lap, straddling him clumsily.
His weight fell forward into Heeseung's chest from the force, causing Heeseung to fall backwards onto the bed, with Jungwon holding himself up precariously above him.
Heeseung stared up at him with wide eyes, both of them breathless from the sudden movement.
Heeseung's face quickly turned red, and Jungwon could feel his own ears burning from the unfamiliar position.
Shit.
It was.... awkward.
"Um.... uh... what, um. What're you doing?" Heeseung tried slowly, stuttering as he spoke.
He was turning red all the way down to his neck.
Jungwon tried to gather himself, staring down at Heeseung's lips, preparing to make his move.
However, the further he leaned down, the more he wanted to pull away, the nerves making it feel impossible to do.
If Jay could do it, why couldn't he?
He should be able to do it, right?
There was nothing stopping him.
Jungwon attempted to lean forward again, just in time for the sound of his door creaking to interrupt him.
There it was.
Mission success!
The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese
_____________________________________
Jungwon's heart jumped in his chest, and he straighted up quickly, his eyes flying to the doorway, waiting to see Jay's reaction.
This was it.
This was his test.
But the person at the door wasn't Jay.
It was Kim.
Fucking.
Sunoo.
Sunoo's eyes widened immediately, his hand flying up to cover his mouth in a gasp.
"Oh my GOD. SO sorry for interrupting. I thought this was the bathroom....." Sunoo said innocently. "I'll let you two, um, get back to.... that."
Sunoo pulled the door closed behind him, but Jungwon was already reeling, with his plan falling into complete shambles.
His eyebrows crinkled as he thought about it.
Didn't Sunoo already know where the bathroom was?
He'd showered there before, after all.
What the hell was with the act?
Jungwon glanced down at Heeseung slowly, who looked like he was about to faint from shock.
Their eyes met, and Heeseung immediately moved, rolling to flip Jungwon off of him and scramble to his feet.
"Listen, Jungwon....." Heeseung spoke quickly, his ears bright red. "I understand your feelings, I do, but... I'm sorry, really, I.... I really can't return them."
Actually, he couldn't understand them at all.
No one could.
Jungwon just nodded blankly, unsure of what to do now.
Heeseung hurriedly left the room, leaving Jungwon alone with his scattered thoughts.
Well shit.
What now?
Jungwon decided to sit in his room for a while, waiting until he heard the sounds of the front door opening and closing before exiting to retrieve his blanket from the couch.
He wandered out cautiously, spotting Jay in the kitchen, who was still cleaning up from the group's snacking.
Jay looked over immediately, meeting his eyes with a neutral expression.
Jungwon wanted to pass by without chatting, unsure of Jay's mood, with his own mood very low.
"Everything okay?" Jay asked suddenly, leaning back against the counter.
Jungwon blinked, stopping in place, his face feeling hot.
He wondered if his cheeks were still red from before.
"....Yeah." Jungwon replied slowly. "Why?"
"You just seem... off today." Jay spoke quietly, his eyes studying Jungwon. "You're acting strange."
Shit.
Was he being too obvious?
Jungwon swallowed awkwardly, staring down at his feet.
For some reason, he felt guilty.
Very guilty.
Jungwon opened his mouth to speak, but before he could find his words, a figure appeared from down the hallway, interrupting the strange tension.
"All done. Sorry I took so long." Sunoo exclaimed, his eyes moving from Jay to Jungwon. "I'm ready now."
"Okay." Jay replied curtly, standing up and moving past Jungwon to grab his keys.
Jungwon stood frozen in place, watching as Sunoo followed Jay to the door.
"Oh yeah!" Sunoo said suddenly, turning back to Jungwon with a mischievous grin. "How'd it go?"
Fuck.
Jungwon's eyes immediately darted to Jay, his face registering Sunoo's words with confusion.
It was true that he wanted Jay to find out before, but.....
Suddenly, he didn't want it anymore.
Not like this.
When Jungwon didn't respond, Sunoo seemed to think he was being shy, laughing happily. "Don't worry. Heeseung's a good guy."
Oh no.
Not like THIS.
Jay froze visibly, his eyes immediately meeting Jungwon's.
"What?" Jay spoke quickly, his voice strained. "What do you mean by that?"
Fuck.
Sunoo turned to Jay exaggeratedly, holding his hand up. "Oh my God. You didn't know? Your brother here was all over him earlier, sitting on top of him and—"
Jungwon rushed over and clamped his hand over Sunoo's mouth, unable to stop the incriminating words in time.
"YOU!" Jungwon groaned, feeling dizzy with panic.
The next sentence came without a filter.
"Why are you telling HIM?"
An inexplicable fear was gripping at Jungwon, causing tears to reach his eyes.
Sunoo stared down at him, carefully reaching a hand up to pull Jungwon's away.
"Ah... Was it a secret?" Sunoo said unapologetically.
And then, after tilting his head down for only Jungwon to see, Sunoo winked.
Jungwon's eyes widened in realization.
He did it on purpose.
But why???
"Sunoo." Jay's voice came from behind, eerily calm.
Sunoo straightened up in front of Jungwon, the smile disappearing from his face.
"Get an Uber."
Sunoo's eyes widened at the same time as Jungwon's.
"Ah?"
"I'll reimburse you later. Go."
Jungwon could hear the door opening behind him, but he couldn't bring himself to look back.
Sunoo took a final glance at Jungwon before brushing past him.
The sound of the door closing and locking was loud.
Too loud.
The air in the living room felt unusually heavy.
Jungwon never felt an atmosphere like this with Jay before.
He was frozen in place, heartbeat increasing the longer the silence dragged out.
After what felt like forever, Jay finally spoke.
"Look at me."
His voice was low.
It wasn't a request;
It was a demand.
Jungwon turned around rigidly, his eyes finally meeting Jay's.
Jay's gaze was scalding.
"Heeseung, huh?" Jay spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable like he was speaking out a curse. "Since when?'
Jungwon stared at him.
It was hard to explain the mixture of feelings inside.
Jay was clearly furious.
"Do you even like him?"
Jungwon felt nervous from Jay's words...
But he also felt inexplicably excited, a dark joy pressing through him.
He'd never seen Jay so upset before.
But Jay was upset because of HIM.
Was he allowed to feel happy about it?
Jungwon shook his head eventually, answering Jay honestly. "...No, not really."
"No?" Jay repeated, unease in his tone.
He took a step closer.
"If you don't, then what the hell is going on?" Jay swallowed, staring down at him intensely.
Seeing Jay's expression, Jungwon suddenly felt like crying, that familiar pain twisting and tangling in with the happiness.
Jay's voice softened as he moved closer. "Is what Sunoo said true? What happened?"
Jungwon could feel the tears in his eyes threatening to break the surface.
He wouldn't lie.
"It's true... But, I don't like him like that! We didn't... We didn't really do anything. I just, um....."
Jungwon struggled to find an excuse as he looked into Jay's patient gaze.
"I just wanted to try it out." Jungwon blurted, unsure of what else to say.
Jay raised an eyebrow, half-laughing in disbelief.
"You wanted to try it out?"
Jay took another step closer, their feet nearly touching on the ground.
"Try what out?"
Jungwon didn't move as Jay lifted a hand up, suddenly tracing his thumb along Jungwon's jaw.
"Kissing? Is that it?" Jay's tone was bitter, nearly sounding aggrieved.
His thumb traced all the way down to Jungwon's chin, stopping over his bottom lip.
Jungwon shuddered from the touch, unable to stop his body's reaction to the tingling sensation it brought him.
He couldn't help it.
Jungwon felt fluttery, a happiness from the intimate contact surging through him relentlessly.
"You're smiling?" Jay hissed, pressing his thumb forward harshly. "Is this funny to you?"
Jungwon hadn't even realized that he was.
He shook his head dumbly, too captivated by Jay's fiery look to speak.
"Were you just trying it out?" Jay repeated, and suddenly, there was another meaning to his words.
Jay seemed to be talking about Heeseung, but the longer Jungwon looked into Jay's eyes, feeling the way his thumb dragged over his lip, Jungwon realized that he wasn't at all.
Jay was talking about that morning, on the couch.
He knew.
Holy shit.
Jay KNEW.
"N-no!" Jungwon stuttered, afraid to move his lip too much, some deeper part of him unwilling to separate it from Jay's touch. "That's...."
Jungwon's face was red with shame, his naughty act being openly exposed.
He'd been caught.
Fuck.
Jungwon wasn't sure what to do.
What to say.
What to think.
"If it's 'just trying it out'," Jay spoke suddenly, his tone heavy. "I guess it doesn't matter who it is, right?"
Jay's thumb pressed down roughly.
Jungwon's breath caught, his lips parting unconsciously as Jay gazed down at him.
"It could be anyone, hm?"
What?
No.
Never.
Jungwon shook his head vigorously, no longer caring if he shook Jay off.
That wasn't true.
He didn't mean it like that.
Jay swallowed, moving his hand back behind Jungwon's neck to hold his head still.
"If anyone would do..."
They stared into eachother's eyes for a moment, something unspoken hanging between them.
Something that sent a rocket of pounding through Jungwon's chest.
Then Jay leaned forward, ever so slowly, both of their breaths increasing the closer he moved.
Ah.
He's....
Their lips connected.
Immediately, an uncontrollable low groan vibrated from Jungwon's throat, solidifying the realness of the feeling.
Jay was kissing him.
Their lips were pressed together.
And it felt SO much better than before.
A real kiss, firm and hot and blisteringly perfect.
Jay pulled away momentarily, looking down to search Jungwon's watery eyes.
Then he suddenly dove back in, pulling Jungwon forward by his neck to hold him in place.
Jungwon let him, an indescribable hum of elation drowning deep into Jay's mouth.
It was like some barrier had been snapped, like some kind of wall had been removed, allowing Jungwon to fully pour his emotions into the action.
He was kissing JAY.
His Jay.
It was real.
It wasn't a dream.
At first, Jay's actions were a bit rough, a kind of desperation flowing through their lips.
Jungwon responded sloppily, feeling too light-headed to attempt to match Jay's movements properly.
Then the kiss was soft and slow.
Jay moved his lips in a gentle motion, the feeling foreign but intoxicating.
He guided Jungwon with a tilt of his head.
Jungwon chased the kiss as Jay moved to pull back some.
Jay let him, obliging and placing his other hand firmly on Jungwon's waist.
Jungwon had never felt more alive.
They stood like this for what felt like hours, kissing as if they were memorizing the shape of eachother's lips.
At some point, Jay's tongue began to probe demandingly at Jungwon's lips.
Jungwon parted them willingly, feeling squeamish as the warm organ began to slide into his mouth.
He'd never felt a sensation like it, his breaths becoming rapid.
Woah.
Eventually, Jay pulled away, this time escaping Jungwon's chase.
He stared down at him for a while, and Jungwon stared back.
Their erratic breaths mingled in the small space of air between them.
"...You tried it now." Jay eventually spoke, a strain in his voice as he cleared his throat. "Is that enough?"
Fuck.
Jungwon wanted to say no.
It wasn't enough.
He wanted to beg Jay to kiss him longer.
To kiss him forever.
But something about Jay's uneven tone felt like a warning.
So Jungwon nodded his head obediently, feeling satisfied with his decision when he watched Jay's shoulders relax.
"Good." Jay spoke again, pulling Jungwon into a hug suddenly.
Then he leaned over, burying his face into the crook of Jungwon's neck.
"You...." Jay spoke into his neck, his breaths ticklish and voice muffled. "Don't try that with anyone else, okay?"
Jungwon felt dazed.
He wrapped his arms around Jay to squeeze tightly in response.
He didn't want to let go.
Not ever.
"I won't. I promise." Jungwon replied hazily, his mind still lingering on the kiss.
Jay hummed lightly, squeezing him tighter.
They didn't speak more, earlier's grievances being temporarily forgotten in the embrace.
Jungwon felt floatly, only realizing he'd been leaning all his weight on Jay when he began to pull away.
"They'll be home soon." Jay said softly, opening his eyes.
Jungwon suddenly felt shy at his words, his face flushing.
Did that really just happen?
What did it mean?
What was Jay thinking?
Jungwon wasn't sure, and he felt too nervous to ask anything more, their relationship suddenly balancing on a delicate thread.
Jay stared at him for a moment longer before brushing back his hair with a light smile.
"I'm... going to wash up." Jay paused, and then added: "Why don't you go pick out a movie for us to watch after?"
Jungwon nodded quickly, an uncontrollable smile covering his face.
This was normal.
This was good.
It was GREAT, actually.
And for the first time in weeks, Jungwon felt okay again.
Winning Isn't Everything
________________________
Jungwon was greedy.
He knew he was.
But... he couldn't help it.
There was this feeling he was drunk on.
The feeling he got whenever his eyes met Jay's.
Whenever he'd sit next to him on the couch, with Jay's hand running absentmindedly through his hair while Jungwon leaned into his side.
Jungwon was greedy.
He wanted to close every bit of that space as he tilted his head up, staring hopefully at Jay.
He wanted to kiss him again.
He wanted it BADLY.
So badly that it was all he could think about at times.
Like the thought was completely consuming his brain.
Jay knew it.
He had to.
Because each time he felt Jungwon's wanting eyes on him, he'd look down to meet them, a soft smile blooming on his face.
Jungwon's gaze would drop down to Jay's lips, lingering for a bit before flickering back up to his eyes again.
His intentions were obvious.
So, so obvious.
And each time, Jay would lift his hand up and through the back of Jungwon's dark hair, pressing his head forward.
Never to the place he wanted.
He'd pull him close to his chest, letting Jungwon's head slot perfectly into the crook of his neck.
Jungwon was greedy, and he was used to getting what he wanted.
But he knew he couldn't argue with Jay.
Not with the way he'd hold Jungwon there until his breathing calmed, until he was sure he wasn't thinking about trying something he shouldn't.
Because he shouldn't.
He shouldn't, but Jungwon would take what he could get, letting Jay's scent flood through his nostrils as he buried his nose into his collarbone.
Things changed slowly like this.
Jay didn't come to his room so often anymore.
Not like he would before.
But he didn't have to.
This drug of a feeling was something Jungwon couldn't resist, leading him to once again go to Jay's room to bother him whenever he couldn't stop the impulse.
Definitely more often than he should.
Kissing Jay had unlocked something in him.
Like all his years of teenage abstinence had bundled up into one big, insatiable craving.
A feeling he'd never experienced before.
It was a Monday night when Jungwon found himself gravitating to Jay's room again, flopping down familiarly on the edge of the bed.
Jay was sitting leaned up against the headboard, glasses on and laptop resting over his legs as he worked on his college coursework.
He eyed Jungwon suspiciously as he began to poke at his feet.
"Hungry?"
Jungwon bit the inside of his lip, poking at the sock in front of him absently.
He was.
But not for food.
"Nah. Just bored." Jungwon sighed after a while, blinking up at Jay innocently. "Are you almost done? Can we watch a movie?"
'Watching a movie' had pretty much become Jungwon's excuse to cuddle up to Jay excessively.
Just the feeling of having him close helped a bit in calming the restlessness he felt.
They hadn't talked about the kiss at all.
Or about the thing with Heeseung.
Jungwon was too nervous to bring it up, and Jay....
Well.
Jungwon couldn't really tell what he was thinking.
Ever since 'that' incident, he'd been basically treating Jungwon the same way he always had.
"Mmm. Not tonight. I still have a lot left to do on this essay. I've been putting it off too long." Jay said dejectedly, poking at Jungwon's fingers with his other foot.
Jungwon nodded, rolling up on the bed until he was laying his head on the pillow next to Jay, leaving some space between them.
He laid quietly for a while, just watching as Jay's fingers moved diligently across the keyboard, the frames of his glasses sliding down ever-so-slightly whenever he'd tilt his head.
This was a view that only he could see.
Jungwon blinked as his eyes roamed down to the bedsheets.
The deep, dark blue of the fabric.
His face began to flush as the memory from before resurfaced.
Jungwon didn't want to imagine anyone else on those sheets.
He wanted...
Jungwon swallowed, turning to bury his face in the pillow.
Shit.
What was he thinking?
"Jungwon?"
Jungwon looked up quickly at the sound of Jay's voice, meeting his eyes breathlessly.
Jay stared at him for a moment.
"Your face is all red."
Jungwon blinked, looking away quickly. "Ah. Sorry."
"Why're you apologizing?" Jay laughed. "Weirdo."
Jungwon felt the tips of his ears burning, but he chose to ignore it. "What's up?"
"Read this over for me?" Jay said casually, pulling his glasses off and rubbing his temples. "Just tell me if the topics flow together, or if it seems too choppy."
Jungwon sat up quickly, thankful for the distraction.
He scooted closer, studying the screen carefully, but it was too hard to focus properly.
Because he could feel Jay's eyes on him.
Jay would always look at him, whenever he thought Jungwon wouldn't notice.
What did it mean?
Jungwon didn't know.
All he knew was that the urge to turn his head and look back grew stronger and stronger with each passing minute, gnawing and eating away slowly at his willpower.
Eventually, Jungwon's eyes were drawn back, no longer able to resist the temptation.
Jay was staring right at him.
Their faces were close.
Too close.
Maybe he'd caught Jay at the wrong time.
Or the right time.
Because his eyes, just for a moment, dropped down to Jungwon’s lips.
Long enough to cause a ripple of dopamine to shoot through Jungwon's veins.
"How's it looking?" Jay said lightly.
"Good." Jungwon mumbled.
"Hyung?"
Jay swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing visibly.
"Yeah?"
"What if... I wanted to try that again?"
The room fell silent.
The slight hum of the laptop fan buzzed next to them.
Jungwon's own eyes widened as he realized what he'd said.
"I mean... um. You said before not to try it with anyone else, so...." Jungwon trailed off, unsure of how to salvage the situation.
His gaze dropped down to the bedsheets, his heart pounding restlessly.
"...That's right." Jay responded after a while, swallowing again.
"You shouldn't."
He stopped speaking, but there seemed to be another line of words left unsaid.
Jungwon's mind filled it in.
You shouldn't.
But you can't with me, either.
Was that it?
A kind of fear began to grip at Jungwon then, gripping into his heart and through his hand on the sheets beneath them.
"Why not?"
"Ah?" Jay sounded startled.
Jungwon finally looked back up, his chest feeling tight.
"You tried it with other people." Jungwon said quietly.
Jay's eyes widened. "You..."
"I saw it before. At the door." Jungwon said quickly.
He wouldn't reveal it all.
Just enough.
Jay stared at him.
For a moment, Jungwon thought Jay might panic.
That he'd be shocked, flustered by Jungwon calling him out.
Instead, he leaned forward, staring at Jungwon intently.
"Did that bother you?"
Jungwon froze.
Could he say that?
Was he allowed to say that?
Jay looked so serious.
"Yeah." Jungwon admitted nervously. "I... didn't like it."
"You didn't like it." Jay repeated, like he was trying to process the words.
"Why?"
Jungwon flushed, his face heating up again.
The things he really wanted to say...
He couldn't say them.
"Because..." Jungwon paused.
Jay was very protective of him.
Jungwon knew that better than anyone.
But... that didn't mean he thought of things the same way Jungwon did.
Jungwon couldn't say his feelings outright.
All he could do was this.
"Isn't it the same?"
Jay blinked. "The same?"
"If I did that with someone else." Jungwon spoke quietly.
Hesitantly.
He knew he was bringing up something he shouldn't.
"If it was the same..." Jay trailed off, his gaze heavy.
He didn't speak after that, his eyes no longer on Jungwon.
Instead, he leaned back, closing them as he let out a deep breath.
"You should go back to your room."
Shit.
Jungwon's chest felt so tight.
It was hard to describe the feeling.
He didn't want to leave like this.
What could he do?
What could he say?
It was frustrating.
"....Whatever. Maybe I'll bring someone to the door too. You can tell me then... if it's the same." Jungwon said solemnly, turning to move off the bed.
Before he could even lift his legs, Jay's hand was gripping his wrist, pulling him back down.
"Jungwon. Don't." Jay spoke between gritted teeth.
"Why not?" Jungwon turned back to stare at him again.
He was frustrated, but he could already feel his tension relaxing in Jay's grip.
Even if Jay wouldn't explain it...
Even if he couldn't, honestly....
Jungwon was pleased just to see him getting upset.
Upset for him.
Jungwon's heavy heart would grasp for whatever it could get.
Jay's jaw clenched tightly as he met Jungwon's obstinate gaze.
"You promised."
Jungwon's eyebrows furrowed.
He did.
But...
"I'll go to my room." Jungwon said quietly.
But he didn't move.
Not that he could, under Jay's tightening grip.
He wondered if it'd leave a mark.
Something dark inside of him wished it would.
That it'd stay there forever, reminding him that Jay was there.
That the feeling was real.
"Because." Jay said finally, his voice firm.
"I don't want you to."
Jay's eyes seemed to be pleading with him.
Was that enough?
It was a simple sentence, but it carried a weight that sunk far too deeply into Jungwon's chest.
Jungwon inhaled a breath, suddenly feeling light again.
Fluttery.
His heart was simple.
There was only one thing it wanted.
"Then..." Jungwon swallowed, gathering his courage.
"I don't want you to either."
He said it.
Jay studied his face for a moment.
Then he pulled him forward by his wrist, wrapping his other hand up over Jungwon's back to hold him gently.
Jungwon leaned over Jay's lap, sighing into the warm and familiar embrace.
His Jay.
When Jungwon finally managed to tilt his head back far enough to see his face, Jay was smiling warmly.
Like he just couldn't hold his expression in.
"Okay." Jay whispered.
"I won't either."
Jungwon was happy.
So, so happy.
It was amazing how his mood could be so easily affected by one person.
He was overflowing with the joyful feeling, like it might explode inside of his chest at any second.
Like he was overdosing on whatever drug that feeling was.
Yet...
Jungwon still wanted more.
Because he was greedy.
"Jay-hyung." Jungwon whispered softly.
"Mm?" Jay's hand was stroking down through his hair absently.
"Can I?"
Jungwon stared at his lips.
Blatantly.
He could feel the rise and fall of Jay's chest.
The way his breath hitched.
Jungwon looked back up, watching the hesitance melting from Jay's face.
Then Jay dipped his head down in one quick motion.
He captured Jungwon's lips, like he'd been waiting all this time to do just that.
Jungwon met the kiss with a gasp of elation, finally being granted reprieve.
Finally.
Finally, Jay was kissing him again.
Their lips were moving in tandem, and then Jay's tongue was sliding into his mouth, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and then...
And then Jay's grip became firm in his hair, and suddenly Jungwon was being lowered down, down across the pillows, Jay's mouth pressing forward hungrily with the movement.
Jungwon's body began to feel hot, a heat spreading all over him and fanning the flames through his mouth, burning so, so deliciously.
Burning for Jay.
But all too quickly, Jay pulled away.
He looked dazed, like he'd just been woken up from some trance, staring down at Jungwon breathlessly.
Jungwon loved the way Jay looked then.
Lips slightly red, bangs hanging over his face, a slightly wild glint in his eyes.
Jay didn't speak, quickly sitting up and regaining his composure.
Jungwon felt weak, staring up at the ceiling as his breaths slowed down.
He felt so much.
So, so much.
And yet, not enough.
"Dinner's ready." A voice came suddenly from the doorway.
Jungwon froze, his eyes widening as his body stilled.
Ah.
Shit.
"Okay. We'll be out in a minute." Jay spoke calmly from where he was sitting.
After a moment, Jungwon sat up, meeting Jay's eyes carefully.
Neither spoke.
Like this, Jungwon made a silent vow to himself.
Because he was greedy.
Next time....
He'd definitely close the door.
It's The Only Thing
__________________
Time seemed to be moving faster than before.
Maybe because Jungwon was counting the days more carefully.
Counting the days until summer would come.
Until graduation.
Counting out the days when he didn't have dance practice.
The days when his parents wouldn't be home.
When they'd be home late.
When he could be alone with Jay.
Finally, a weekend arrived when his parents were out of town visiting Jay's relatives.
They were leaving Saturday morning, but Jungwon had dance practice.
Jay stayed behind to drive him.
Jungwon could hardly hide his excitement as they headed home that day.
He wondered if his thoughts were too obvious.
Jay just smiled fondly at him like he always did, listening idly to Jungwon's chatter in the car.
It wasn't until they arrived back home that the disappointment hit Jungwon.
There were two problems, waiting on their porch.
"Yo." Jake waved casually, glancing at Jungwon for only a second before standing up.
Sunghoon followed from next to him, also giving Jungwon a brief glance.
After this, they didn't acknowledge him again.
Not even a joke slipped by as the four of them entered the house.
It gave Jungwon a strange feeling as he listened to their conversation with Jay.
"We're gonna go out to watch the race in a bit. Do you want me to bring you anything back?" Jay said softly, ruffling his hair like he usually did.
Jungwon blinked up at him.
Clearly, they could just watch it there.
Clearly, he wasn't inviting Jungwon along on purpose.
And here Jungwon was, all excited on his own about finally spending some time together.
Clearly...
Jay didn't have the same thoughts as him.
Jungwon couldn't help but sulk, dipping out from under Jay's hand and moving to the kitchen. "That's okay."
Jay just laughed, saying something to the other two before heading down the hall.
Jungwon watched him disappear before sneaking back out to the living room, eyeing the other two curiously.
They both fell silent at Jungwon's presence, looking around the room aimlessly.
There was something.... off.
"Hey." Jungwon probed, glancing between the two suspiciously. "What's going on?"
Jake looked at him first, and before he could look away, Jungwon addressed him directly. "Jake, right? Did I offend you guys or something?"
Jake eyed him warily. "Sorry. We just, uh... don't wanna end up like Heeseung."
Wait.
What?
Jungwon's eyes widened. "What happened to Heeseung-hyung?"
Sunghoon nudged Jake with his elbow at this, and Jake just shrugged, scratching his head awkwardly. "...Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it."
They didn't say anything else, so Jungwon moved back into the kitchen before Jay could return.
Once the older three left, Jungwon slouched down onto the couch, a thousand scenarios flying through his head.
In the end, no matter what he imagined, it all led back to what he did before.
He wanted to ask Jay about it.
He wondered what Heeseung had told him.
What Jay thought about it.
Was he mad at Heeseung?
Part of Jungwon felt guilty, knowing that the situation was entirely his own fault.
Heeseung hadn't done anything wrong.
But another part of him, the bad part, was inexplicably happy at the thought.
That Jay would get that upset over it.
With this thought in mind, Jungwon fell asleep.
_______________________________________
Jay always had a soft spot for Jungwon.
Unless it was for a serious topic, if Jungwon pushed at him enough, eventually, he'd cave in.
Jungwon was the same.
However, when it came to Jungwon's newly discovered... urges, Jay wasn't so lenient.
It made sense.
After all, it wasn't something they were supposed to do.
Ever since the incident in his room, Jay was extra vigilant towards Jungwon’s tempting approach.
But...
Although Jay seemed to be strict with him in this area.....
There were still times when Jungwon could get what he wanted.
Jungwon woke up to the sound of the front door unlocking.
He sat up drowsily, greeting Jay with a wave as he took off his shoes. "How was it?"
"Not bad." Jay sighed, making his way to the couch and flopping down beside him.
He glanced at Jungwon, smiling lightly. "I think I would've rather watched it with you."
"You could've." Jungwon grumbled, wiping his eyes hazily.
He crawled closer to Jay, leaning against his side naturally.
"You drank." Jungwon frowned, sniffing at his collar. "Did you drive home?"
"It was just one glass of beer. I'm fine." Jay laughed, his hand finding Jungwon's shoulder, pulling him closer.
"Next time, I'll watch with you."
"Mm." Jungwon agreed sleepily.
Jay reached around him for the remote.
Then they were sitting on the big couch like they usually would, an episode of Stranger Things playing loudly on the TV.
The longer the episode stretched on, the more antsy Jungwon began to feel laying next to him, his brain slowly waking up.
They were alone now.
Jungwon couldn't help but expect something.
WHAT, exactly, he wasn't quite sure.
All he knew was how he was feeling.
Wanting.
Needing.
After a while, he tugged on the sleeve of Jay's hoodie lightly. "Hey Hyung?"
"Hm?" Jay hummed, keeping his eyes centered on the TV.
"You know... they won't be home tonight." Jungwon spoke quietly, trying to keep the anticipation out of his tone.
"Mm." Jay agreed, not meeting his eyes.
He didn't get it at all.
Jungwon poked at his arm, but Jay still didn't look over, keeping his focus entirely on the screen.
Jungwon felt itchy.
An itch for the feeling that only Jay could give him.
Jungwon also stared at the TV for a while, fidgeting anxiously as he worked up his courage.
Jay's body was so warm against his shoulder.
But Jungwon wanted him closer.
Once the episode began rolling into the outro, Jungwon swallowed, straightening up and turning to Jay again.
"Jay."
"Mm." Jay hummed again.
He still wouldn't look at him.
Frustrated, Jungwon swung his leg over the couch, moving his whole body to block the screen.
Jay was forced to look up at him, his eyebrows raised.
It took Jungwon a second to realize he was straddling him, but he didn't care, ignoring the thundering in his chest.
It was different from when he'd done it to Heeseung.
Very different.
"Oh." Jay spoke, tilting his head slightly.
He was smiling.
"You want attention?"
Jungwon's eyes widened, a flush creeping up his neck. "Ah?"
It was true, but...
Jay leaned back on the couch, looking over Jungwon slowly.
Like he was committing the image to memory.
Then his smile became lighter, his eyes becoming hooded as he tilted his head back.
"Come here." Jay murmured.
Oh.
Jungwon lurched forward instantly.
He wasn't sure if it was what Jay meant, but...
He leaned down and tilted his head and pressed their lips together.
He moved desperately.
Like he'd been starving for it.
Jay didn't stop him.
No...
Instead, Jay returned the kiss with a heated enthusiasm, his hands moving up to wrap around Jungwon's waist.
Jungwon hummed contently as Jay squeezed his sides, wrapping his own arms over Jay's shoulders and into his hair.
Things felt so perfect like this.
Like this was exactly where he belonged.
Ahh.
Jungwon was getting better at kissing.
At least, he thought so.
He could meet Jay's warm tongue as it probed into his mouth, matching the swirling rhythm with his own pace.
Jay was much better than he was.
Like he knew just the right way to suck on Jungwon's bottom lip, pulling small sounds out of him that he didn't even know he could make.
Just the right way to lick into his mouth, making Jungwon's toes curl and fingers press down shakily.
To kiss him and kiss him and just keep kissing him, until he was lightheaded and dizzy and hot all over.
Jungwon could barely breathe, but he wouldn't pull away.
He couldn't.
This was all he wanted.
His entire body felt so hot.
The butterflies in his stomach were on a rampage, swarming like they were trying to escape, fluttering lower and lower.
Jungwon could feel himself sinking with them.
His knees felt so weak, slowly sliding downwards on the couch.
Jay's grip on his hips tightened, keeping him pulled close as Jungwon melted into his chest.
And then...
Oh.
Jungwon couldn't help but gasp into Jay's mouth at the contact.
Holy fuck.
Jay was....
Hard.
They both were.
And their crotches were pressing together.
It felt hot.
So, so hot.
A sort of mangled sound escaped him as Jay pulled his mouth away, bordering somewhere between a whine and a moan.
They were both gasping for air.
Jay's eyes were only half-open.
Saliva was stringing down the side of his lip.
On an impulse, Jungwon leaned forward and licked it up.
"Fuck." Jay hissed, his hands squeezing down tightly.
The force pressed their hips together.
There was a scalding friction where their bodies touched.
This feeling...
Jungwon was lost in it.
Jay's eyebrows began to furrow slightly.
He looked like he was about to speak.
Like he was about to move him off.
His eyes were searching Jungwon's carefully.
Jungwon was immediately filled with alarm.
He didn't want to stop.
He leaned back down, muffling Jay's words into a kiss.
Immediately, Jay was kissing him back.
Like he just couldn't help himself, his tongue stroking into Jungwon's mouth almost roughly.
The passion of it was urging Jungwon further and further down into the abyss.
Jungwon could feel his hips pressing downwards instinctively.
The friction felt so good.
It was addicting.
He just couldn't help but chase the feeling.
Jay's kiss was relentless, his hands steady on Jungwon's sides as he pressed his body down again.
And again.
And again.
And then Jungwon was grinding into him, his hips moving all on their own.
Jay let him.
He didn't push him away, but he didn't return the movement either, just letting Jungwon move around on him however he pleased.
It was becoming harder and harder for Jungwon to breathe, the stimulation causing his other senses to feel overwhelmed.
Jay must've felt his staggering breaths, because he pulled his head back again, tilting Jungwon's to rest on his shoulder.
Then he spoke, his voice low and raspy in Jungwon's ear.
"You okay?"
Jungwon nodded faintly, his eyes watery.
"It feels... good, hyung." Jungwon whispered.
Jay's breath hitched.
"Yeah?" Jay swallowed.
Jungwon was suddenly thankful to have his face pressed into Jay's shoulder.
He felt overwhelmed.
One of Jay's hands was running through his hair, slow and gentle.
Jay pulled on it lightly, tilting his own head down to press his lips against Jungwon's neck.
Shit.
The contact felt paralyzing as Jay began to kiss there, leaving Jungwon gasping and clutching his hands into his back.
His mouth slowly moved lower.
Kissing.
Licking.
Sucking.
Jay's other hand was guiding his hips forward, helping him rock back and forth.
Over and over.
Jungwon could feel the high building up inside of him.
He was throbbing and aching where the friction of movement pressed into his pants, but he didn't care.
Jay's lips were still on his collarbone, sucking down so feverishly that it almost hurt.
The feeling was intoxicating.
The rush hit Jungwon all at once, a cry of ecstasy leaving his mouth as his body shook.
He came.
Jay was holding him so tightly, slowly swapping his movements into languid kisses and gentle caresses as Jungwon became putty in his arms.
Even as the dopamine rush began to subside, the feeling of euphoria never left.
Jungwon was in heaven.
They stayed sitting like this for a while.
Jay was still hard beneath him, but he didn't move, his breaths slowly turning light against Jungwon's ear.
It was Jungwon's first time experiencing something like it.
Jay must've known it too.
Jungwon felt like Jay was his anchor, holding him down and keeping him from floating off into space.
He didn't want to move, but eventually, the stickiness in his pants began to feel uncomfortable.
Jungwon pulled away carefully, pausing as Jay's hold tightened around him.
"I'm... gonna go change... um, clothes." Jungwon mumbled, suddenly feeling shy.
"Oh." Jay's grip loosened, his hands dropping down slowly. "....Right."
Jungwon couldn't meet his eyes as he stood up.
What the hell did he just do?
Was it okay?
It was really...
"Jungwon?"
Jungwon paused at the hallway entrance, looking back quickly.
Jay's eyes were shining, roaming up his figure carefully.
"Ah... When you're done, go to my room. Let's watch a movie."
Their gazes met.
Jungwon's heart flipped in his chest.
He nodded quickly, his face burning as he hurried to his bedroom.
Sheesh.
His own reflection showed in the mirror on his dresser as he began to undress.
He wondered what Jay thought when he saw him like this.
Hair tousled, lips red, face pink.
Surely, he wasn't thinking of him as just a little brother.
But...
The most obvious thing of all was the dark bruise mark blooming across his collarbone.
Jungwon was mesmerized by the sight, hardly able to focus as he cleaned himself up.
Jay had left a mark on him.
It was low enough to be covered by a high collared shirt, but high enough to show if he wore anything else.
Whether it was on purpose or not....
Jungwon couldn't take his eyes off of it.
He slid on a tank top, a feeling of contentness welling up inside of him.
He loved it.
He wanted to have it inked into his skin forever, an eternal reminder of the lips that had put it there.
Jay's.
When he made his way to Jay's room, Jay was already laying in bed, the blanket left pulled down beside him.
Jungwon could feel Jay's eyes on him as he crawled up next to him, tucking himself naturally against his side.
Neither spoke.
It was hard to say anything.
There was a line they were slowly crossing.
One they both knew they shouldn't.
Still...
It was too late to stop the feeling that was growing within.
Not when Jay had his arm draped over his shoulder, his fingers tracing over the mark on Jungwon's collarbone absently.
Not when Jungwon had his face half buried into Jay's chest, inhaling his scent like he needed it to breathe.
Not when their legs were tangled together like they never wanted them to part.
Nothing else seemed to matter to Jungwon anymore.
Only this.