Chapter Text
Severus was sitting at his desk when Peeves came tumbling through the ceiling of his office, accompanied by a shower of soot. He was wearing Filch’s hat and a necklace made of chalk stubs.
Severus exhaled and closed his eyes, tenting his hands over both eyes, steeling himself for the task at hand.
“Oooooo,” Peeves crooned, spinning slowly towards Severus’s desk.
“Snapey summons, and Peevesy flies,
First time ever, a strange surprise!
Never wants old Peevesy near,
Peevesy smells a secret here.”
When Severus opened his eyes, he found Peeves hovering less than five inches from his face, his chin propped on one hand.
For a long moment, Severus and Peeves just stared at each other in silence.
Severus exhaled, then wearily bit out: “Peeves, I asked you here because I require your assistance.”
Peeves’s grin sharpened.
“Knewsed it! Knewsed it! Knewsed it true! Snapey’s got a job to dooooooooo!”
Severus didn’t say anything for a long time.
Finally: “First, I must ask a question that no sane administrator would ever ask any poltergeist, ever, least of all you.”
“Yessssssssssssss?” Peeves made a little gesture of vanity.
Severus exhaled, then leaned back in his chair. "I am wondering, Peeves, if you are capable, and willing, to follow instructions.”
“What." Peeves spoke in a flat, ordinary-human voice Severus had never, ever, ever heard from him before.
This was not encouraging. Or was it? No—probably not.
“What I am looking for,” Severus continued, “is a controlled inconvenience.”
A pause.
Then—
“Controlled!” Peeves shrieked, careening around in delighted circles. “Controllllllllllllllllled!”
He cackled.
“Snapey wants thunder on his leash?
Dungbombs, but served with tiny quiche?
Mayhem, but washed with soap and bleach?
No, Peevesy redemption’s beyond your reach!
Severus drummed his fingers on his desk, but forced himself to listen to the drivel for one full couplet more than it deserved. Finally he had had enough.
“Fine!” Severus cut in.
Peeves stopped his spinning at once.
Pinching his brow, Severus said: “A better question, then: are you capable of approximating obedience, for personal gain?”
Peeves was horizontal and his nose was almost level with Severus’s.
He smiled. “Oooooooooo...that is different question.”
Severus’s expression did not change.
“So who’s to shriek and who’s to bleed?
What nasty thing old Snapey need?”
“No one is to bleed.”
“Boring bat," Peeves complained, rolling onto his back in midair.
He sighed, staring at Severus from his upside-down position. “But Peevesy still listening.”