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It’s a bad day.
Dan knew it would be a bad day since last night. He’d had a wonderful day catching up with friends for lunch and playing board games until dinner, and then they’d all watched a movie together. Then his friends had gone home, and it was just him and Phil.
They’d watched another movie, just the two of them, and Dan could feel his emotions melting out of him, as if he were an air mattress with a small hole, slowly leaking air until he was flat.
Sometimes Dan felt as if his emotional state was directly tied to a battery. Social batteries were a common thing, but was there an emotional battery?
He often felt that if he’d had a really happy morning, if Phil had gotten him a surprise, for example, then he was often worse in the evening, whereas if he had an okay day all the way through, he would still be just okay in the evening.
Last night was no exception; having so much fun with his friends all afternoon left him feeling like utter shit by evening.
-
The credits rolled, and Dan realised he’d been zoned out for over half of the movie.
“Another?” Phil asked, adjusting his position– leaning on Dan in a foetal position.
“Actually, I’m feeling pretty out of it, I might go sleep,” Dan replied.
“Oh, alright. Need anything?” Phil asked, sensing Dan’s iffy mood.
“No, just tired,” Dan said. It was only half a lie, at least. He was tired as well.
“Okay, I might watch another and come join,” Phil said. He sat up to let Dan off the sofa and then wiggled to get back into a comfortable position when Dan was up.
Dan stretched and turned around, giving Phil a peck on his lips before walking to the bedroom.
He skipped brushing his teeth, instead just stripping his shirt and swapping his jeans for pyjama pants.
Dan crawled into bed and lay awake, staring at the ceiling in the dark. He lay for over an hour before he started to drift off.
He was woken by Phil opening the door. It was quiet, but the small squeak was enough to rouse Dan.
Phil snuck through the room to the ensuite, and Dan took the opportunity to roll onto his side, away from where Phil was about to lie down. He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.
Soon, Phil crawled into bed with Dan. He gave Dan a small kiss on the side of his head and went to sleep.
Dan didn’t know how long he’d been in bed at that point.
All he knew was that Phil had watched at least one movie and gone to bed. And now he was in bed with him, and Dan was just pretending to sleep?
What if something happened to Phil in his sleep, and Dan had been so ungrateful as to pretend to sleep and not properly say goodnight?
A tear rolled down his cheek as the thought came up, but still, he couldn’t bring himself to roll over and tell Phil.
It was going to be a rough day tomorrow.
-
Dan woke up before Phil. He’d rolled over in his sleep, and he opened his eyes to see Phil’s beautiful face, peacefully asleep.
Dan felt empty.
How was Phil so content, even in his sleep, when his partner of sixteen years was right in front of him, practically a ghost? How could he be asleep when Dan felt like a shell of himself?
Dan rolled over and closed his eyes again.
At some point, Phil got up. Dan didn’t know what time it was, or how long he had been lying alone before Phil woke up. He kept his eyes closed as the bed stopped moving when Phil stood up.
He kept his eyes closed as Phil moved around the bed to the bathroom. He rolled over when he heard the shower, and kept his eyes closed when Phil got out some time later.
Dan did eventually open his eyes when he heard the door open and close, signalling that Phil had left the room.
He sighed. It was a bad day.
Dan picked up his phone and opened Instagram. The usual notifications, posts from people he followed, it was all the same there. The same as every other day, the same as every other week.
Seconds or minutes or hours later, Dan wasn’t sure, he closed the app and opened his discord.
The exact same thing. Messages from his gaming friends, pings from his philosophy servers, and friend requests from fans that had somehow found his personal user.
He didn’t open any messages or pings, because if he did, then he’d have to face the responsibility of replying or remembering to reply later. It was easier to ghost.
More hours or days or weeks later, he closed the app, only to open Instagram again.
Reels he could handle.
Liking and commenting on posts of his friends was too much, responding to brands offering him deals and sponsorships was far too much effort. But the small, short bursts of dopamine that came from seeing a new, funny video every few seconds? He could manage that.
Even more minutes or days or weeks passed when he heard Phil coming back down the hallway to the bedroom.
Dan quickly shut off his phone and placed it on the side table.
He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.
Phil opened the door to the room and placed what sounded like a mug next to where Dan knew his phone was.
Dan kept his eyes closed, even as he felt Phil sit on the edge of the bed, right next to Dan, rather than on Phil’s own side of the bed.
Dan kept his eyes closed, even when he felt a kiss on his hair.
“Dan?” Phil asked softly.
Dan kept his eyes closed.
“I brought coffee,” Phil said quietly. When Dan didn’t respond, he tried again. “I know you’re awake, Dan. You don’t have to talk to me, just open your eyes?”
Dan felt tears pooling under his eyelids, threatening to spill out at any moment.
It took a few moments of debating and working up, but Dan did open his eyes eventually. He was met with the sight of Phil sitting next to his waist, looking sideways and down at Dan. His big blue eyes were behind his glasses, full of love and concern.
“There you are, prince,” Phil smiled softly.
Dan blinked, his face blank.
“I was worried you fully checked out,” Phil said, referring to the days Dan was catatonic and essentially unresponsive.
Dan shook his head, the movement so small that Phil could barely see.
Phil shifted on the bed, sitting so he was straddling Dan’s lap. Any other day, this might have excited Dan. Today, even if the intentions were less pure, Dan still would have done nothing.
Phil reached towards Dan’s shoulders.
“Sit up for me, bub?” He asked.
Dan gathered all of his energy and lifted his hands to greet Phil’s.
Phil pulled and leaned back, using his own body to lever Dan’s weight up so he was sitting, before reaching over to the bedside table and picking up the mug he’d put down.
He pressed it into Dan’s hands, who took it.
The warmth of the liquid through the ceramic seeped into Dan's bones, comforting him more than anything else had so far.
He lifted the mug up to his lips and took a tiny sip.
A splash of milk, no sugar.
Exactly how Dan liked his coffee.
Because of course it was. Of course Phil knew exactly what he needed at this moment, and of course he made it exactly how Dan liked it.
The tears came rushing back at the idea that somebody cared for him so deeply that they could read his mind before even he could.
“Good job, baby,” Phil praised. He took the cup back, knowing that the smallest sip was all Dan would take right now.
Dan felt a tickle on his cheek. He was crying. Did it even count as crying if he didn’t feel it? If the only reason he knew the tears had spilled over was the sensation of it running down his cheek?
Phil covered his fingers with his sweater and wiped Dan’s face, cupping Dan’s cheek when the tears were gone.
“I love you so much. You know that?” He said.
Dan blinked more tears in response, only to be caught by Phil’s sweater.
“Did you shower last night?” Phil asked.
Dan tried to remember the last time he had showered. Not since he’d been out of the house. Another very small shake of his head.
“Why don’t we go take a bath then?” Phil asked.
Dan was so, so tired. He just wanted to sleep. But he jerked his head up anyway.
Phil nodded encouragingly.
“Okay, I’ll be back in a sec,” he said. He gave Dan another small kiss on the top of his head and stood up.
Dan watched him leave the room. There was no bath in the ensuite, just a shower, so he watched as Phil walked down the hall to the main bathroom.
Dan took a deep breath, preparing himself for the enormous effort of leaving the room and cleaning himself. He still had a few minutes before the bath was full, so he reached over for the mug and took another small sip before just sitting and letting the heat from the mug warm his hands.
The sound of the pipes running through the walls started, and soon enough, Phil was back with a glass of water. He put it on the side table and went back into the ensuite.
Dan didn’t look up.
He watched the ripples in his coffee move with every minuscule movement his hands made. Every twitch of his finger caused a ripple to travel the entire width of the mug.
If Dan weren’t so tired, he’d probably find something profound about that.
Phil came back into the bedroom with Dan’s blister pack of medication. He popped one out of its foil casing and put the packet on the nightstand, swapping it for the glass.
“Mouth,” Phil directed.
Dan looked into Phil’s eyes, silently thanking him. Who knows where he’d be without him. Probably not here. He opened his mouth a tiny bit, and Phil put the pill inside.
Phil took Dan’s mug from his hands and replaced it with the glass of water. Dan had a sip slightly bigger than that of the coffee before he swallowed it and brought the glass back down to his lap.
“More, baby,” Phil encouraged, having put the mug back down.
Dan tried his best to glare at Phil, but he knew it probably just came out as sad and pathetic. He drank half the glass anyway.
“Well done,” smiled Phil. He took the glass and put it back on the side table.
Seeing the warm mug sitting next to the blister-pack of meds sitting next to the cold glass of water, might have told anyone the mental state of the person in the bed if they’d thought about it on any more than a surface level.
“Alright bub, let’s go take a bath, huh?” He phrased it as a question, but Dan knew Phil would have dragged him to the bathroom if Dan had any energy to fight. They both knew that even leaving the room would do wonders for Dan’s mental state on days like these.
Phil stood up first and then put his hands out to help Dan stand.
Dan moved his legs off the bed, letting the blood move down before he stood up.
He took Phil’s hands and pulled himself up.
Phil seized the opportunity– as soon as Dan was standing, he pulled him into a tight hug.
Dan stood with his arms by his side, letting Phil squeeze his waist. He rested his chin on Phil’s shoulder, and felt another few tears fall down his face.
It was only a few seconds before Phil let go, and although Dan hadn’t reciprocated the hug, he found that his chest felt incomplete without another body there.
“Thank you,” Phil said. He took one of Dan’s hands and led him slowly to the main bathroom.
Dan dragged his feet and barely watched where he was going the whole way there, but they got there.
Standing in the bathroom, Phil gently brought down Dan’s pyjama pants and boxers, just over his bottom.
“Sit,” Phil requested, gesturing to the toilet.
Dan did what he was told. The cold of the seat met his ass rudely.
Phil finished taking Dan’s pants off, lifting his legs for him.
“Need to pee?” Phil asked.
It suddenly hit Dan exactly how much he did need to. He nodded and stood up, lifting the toilet seat. He didn’t need help with this part.
When he was finished, Dan flushed and washed his hands.
“Bath bomb?” Phil asked.
Dan nodded and sat back down on the now-closed toilet lid.
Phil opened the cabinet on the wall and took down a small basket; Dan’s collection of bath bombs. He held it out to Dan to choose.
Dan picked a green one, the one that he knew smelled slightly minty and of watermelon. If he tried, he probably could have remembered exactly where he got it from, or who gave it to him.
Phil put the basket away and took the bath bomb from Dan, unwrapping the plastic. He put it in the tub as it was still running.
Dan watched as the bath bomb fizzled and bubbled, giving the water a green tint. He watched the globe of baking soda shrink down until it broke down into tiny chunks that Phil would break up with his hands because he couldn’t stand the feeling of it in the water.
Dan likened himself to the bath bomb; the way it grew smaller and smaller reminded him of yesterday, when he could feel himself falling flatter and sadder throughout the duration of the movie he and Phil had watched last night, before there was nothing left of Dan besides his physical body.
Eventually the bath was filled, and the bomb fizzled out.
Phil had poured some soaps into the bath and mixed them around while Dan had sat and watched.
“Alright baby, let’s get you clean, hey?” Phil asked. Once again, he held out his hands for Dan to pull himself up to standing.
Phil held Dan’s hands as he stepped into the bath, sitting down against the short side of the tub.
Phil knelt down and took the loofah off the hook on the wall next to the bath. He dipped it in the water and started gently rubbing Dan with it. He started on his belly, bringing some of the bubbles from the soap over his body.
Phil moved the sponge down his legs and to his feet, pressing hard to make sure the light pressure didn’t tickle Dan.
God did Dan love Phil for that.
Phil instructed Dan to roll over onto his belly and rubbed the loofah up the back of his legs and to his back, getting rid of any remnants of sweat from the day before. Phil rubbed up Dan’s neck and then told him to sit up again.
Dan complied.
Phil washed under Dan’s armpits and down the length of his arms before hanging the loofah back up on the hook. He pulled out a face cloth from under the sink and doused it in the slightly green water before bringing it up to Dan’s face. Dan naturally closed his eyes, trusting Phil to wash him.
He almost felt suffocated by the cloth, if it weren’t for the sound of Phil’s breath reassuring him that he was being taken care of by the man who loved him through everything, the man who loved him, even when Dan couldn't love himself.
Phil brought the washcloth down to Dan’s crotch and washed all around Dan’s most sensitive areas.
When he finished, Dan just sat in the bath with his eyes closed.
He felt the water moving all around him, the warmth on his skin. He remembered the coffee sitting on his side table, probably going cold.
His thoughts were interrupted when Phil spoke again.
“Shuffle over.”
Dan opened his eyes to a naked Phil standing in front of the bath.
He wiggled so he was more in the middle of the tub, and then Phil climbed in. He sat down where Dan was just moments ago, and pulled Dan’s shoulders from behind, so he was leaning back with his head on Phil’s chest.
“Close your eyes,” Phil directed.
Dan complied, trusting Phil completely.
Dan felt warm water running over his head. In a moment where there was no water running down his face, Dan opened his eyes again.
Phil was using his hands as a scoop to get Dan’s hair wet, and using his fingers to rub it down to his scalp.
“Alright, bub, sit up again?” Phil asked.
Again, Dan followed the directions. It was easier just to comply than to wonder why or argue.
He watched as Phil opened the bottle of shampoo he hadn’t noticed sitting next to the bath and poured some into his hands.
Dan closed his eyes again and felt the cold soap on his scalp. He felt Phil’s slender fingers rub the shampoo onto his scalp. Dan almost moaned from the feeling of the massage he was getting– he probably would have if it were any other day.
The two of them sat in the bathtub like that, Phil massaging Dan’s head, rubbing the shampoo in for a few minutes.
“I’m gonna get out now and dry off, and then I’ll help you rinse, yeah?” Phil asked.
Dan nodded and lifted what little weight he still had on Phil off.
Phil did exactly that, and Dan noticed the water level drop on his arms as the water displacement filled back in.
Dan kept his eyes shut, so the soap didn’t hurt him, but he heard Phil using the towels he’d brought in when he first turned the taps on to dry off. He heard more shuffling, which he assumed was Phil getting back into his top and joggers.
“Thank you for waiting, baby. Lie down now,” Phil told Dan. Dan loved that Phil knew that it was easier for him to follow instructions on days like these than for him to try and think of the next step himself.
Dan lay down so only his face was out of the water.
Phil put his hands back in the water and gave Dan another small head massage, rinsing all of the shampoo out. When he was done, he gave Dan a tap on the shoulder, telling him to sit up.
Dan did exactly that.
“Wait here a moment, I’ll go get you some fresh pyjamas,” Phil said.
He left Dan alone in the bathroom for a few seconds, just slightly too short for Dan’s mind to come up with dangerous thoughts.
When he came back, Phil put the pj’s on the floor and picked up Dan’s towel.
“Up?” He asked.
Dan stood slowly, using all of his effort to do so.
Phil wrapped the towel around Dan’s waist and led him to the toilet seat.
Dan sat down as Phil picked up his own towel and started rubbing it over Dan’s hair and head.
Dan wished he didn’t need someone to do this for him.
More than that though, he was glad that he did have someone to do it.
When Dan’s hair wasn’t dripping anymore, Phil rubbed the towel down Dan’s arms and chest, drying off the top half of him, before moving down to the lower half.
Phil put the towel down and picked up Dan’s fresh shirt from the floor, lifting it over Dan’s head so Dan could spend less energy trying to put it on.
Dan lifted his arms, helping Phil guide the shirt over his head and chest. When it was on, Dan closed his eyes and rested his head on his shoulder, an awkward angle, sure, but it required less strength than holding it up on his own.
Phil leaned down to the floor again and picked up Dan’s clean boxers.
He helped guide Dan’s feet into the leg holes and pulled them up over his knees.
“Stand?” Phil asked Dan.
Dan realised he’d zoned out for a few seconds, so he took a moment to blink himself back into the room. When he was ‘back’, he stood up and watched as Phil pulled his pants up for him.
“All done!” Phil said proudly. “You did so well, baby, good job. Back to bed?”
Dan nodded slowly.
Dan dragged his feet through the hallway and back to his bed, where the water and mug of coffee were waiting patiently for him. He crawled onto his side of the mattress and pulled the covers over himself, lying on his back.
Phil stood next to Dan’s bedside table.
“Alone or with?” He asked, having mastered the art of asking what Dan needed with as few words as possible.
Dan reached one hand out limply towards Phil, telling him that he wanted to stay.
“Alright, I’ll go clean up the bathroom and come back as soon as I’m done, okay?”
Dan nodded and rolled onto his side, facing towards where Phil would soon be sitting.
Dan zoned out again. Later, he would speak to his therapist, who would remind him it was called dissociation, a coping mechanism against the horrors of the world. But for now it was easier to call it zoning out.
He didn’t know how long it was before Phil was back, but he was. He was sitting up against the headboard, pyjamas on again and a book in hand.
“Come here,” he told Dan.
Dan shuffled over so his head was resting on Phil’s lap, and he closed his eyes.
“Thank you for letting me take care of you,” Phil said.
“I love you,” Dan responded. “So much,” he added in a whisper.
“I love you too, Dan. So much more than you know.”
Dan fell back asleep with the soft sounds of Phil’s breath and turning pages in his ears, and a soft hand giving a gentle massage to his freshly-washed curls.
Phil hated it when Dan had bad days– he knew how much they sucked for Dan. But he really did appreciate that Dan had let him in enough to know exactly what he needed without even asking.