Chapter Text
Lapping waves, thick and viscous, hitting my skin. The cloth of what’s left of my clothing sticks to me like a cage. Restrictive. Uncomfortable. Less room than what I had before. Less movement than I had before. Eyelids are stuck shut like a bad case of pinkeye; I can feel my eyelashes interweaving into one another with little thick globs welding them shut.
Everything is muffled. The hearing I once had replaced with a dull ring and a pressure radiating from inside my skull. My face contorts as I realize that there is light beyond my eyelids. Light tinged red. Consistent, bright light.
Was this heaven?
The thought swept through my mind so quickly I was barely sure it was mine.
Feelings. I could feel the blood on my skin, slapping me like a harsh reminder that the ocean was still around me. I could feel warmth, from the blood, from above. It was like a heat lamp. Wait, above? I feel my face scrunch up as I try to right myself, push myself up, yet I cannot move. Restraints? No, no nothing was holding me down, I could not feel anything else on me other than my clothes, the blood, and the light. The Light.
Panic rushes into my existence as the memories come flooding back. Red, like the tide, rushing and running to get to the surface. Was I on the surface? That was impossible, no, that cannot be what happened. I had to be dead. There was no pain, just warmth and numbness. It made sense. Nothing else did. The pressure in my head is rising, the ringing in my ear getting louder. With no strength to fight, I relax. It felt like I was moving or floating…
Breath fills my lungs as I jump to a start. The awareness of losing consciousness was lost until I regained it. The dream was full of panic, pain, sin, and last moments before going under. Yet, my eyes actually snap open this time- I immediately squint. It was bright. Too bright. A light was shining directly in my face. My eyes squeeze shut as I try to move again. I feel nothing still, though as I go to move, I hear a noise. Muffled, still, yet it sounds like a groaning, low pitched drone. A horn of some kind? A scream? A monster?
To try and find it, search for it, prepare myself for what was coming, I open my eyes. I pause. Something is blocking out the light above me. It hovers just out of reach, a darkened silhouette of something round yet slight protrusions from points around it’s circumference. The round blob connected to something else blob-esc, but I did not have time to focus on that aspect, it moved! It shifted!
It moved backwards, the light peaking around it more to shine directly in my eyes. I heard the noise again, this time a little closer. Was it this blob-thing? A different sound, slightly lighter in pitch, sounding much more like a horn than a growl. My eyes focus to the light, finally, and I can start to see features on this blob. Golden hair outlined in a halo of light, backlighting the strands to a point where they merge into nothingness. Human features, a light stubble, glasses askew, and wide eyes staring at me. I froze.
Question after question fly through my head, some of them answer themselves, others go ignored.
One stands out; “What if this is truly Heaven?”
All the other questions faded into the background. This one comes to the forefront. This one was my thought, I knew it. From the last bits that I can remember, I surely should be dead. I might not be a medical person, but even I know that what I went through should be impossible. Healer? Doctor? It does not matter right now. Right now, this is starting to make sense.
A kind face stares down at me, a halo above their head. It was not a cherubim, they had far less faces and less wings. It was not a seraphim either, I could see their eyes. It must be a guardian angel, sent to watch over me. He sends those out to watch over everyone, if I was face-to-face with my guardian angel, I must not be alive any longer.
It made sense. Everything was numb, no pain, just like they said. It had to be right. I felt my eyes grow heavy and caught a glimpse of my guardian angel growing taller. I could relax. My fight was done. I never had to even think about what was down there.
Coming to, again, I feel dizzy. Unsure of what was happening. I hear something again, monotone, it sounds like speech. Almost like it was from a speaker, though, not someone in front of me. I think I heard something about eyes? Everything was still a little muffled.
Eyes flutter open as I try to look around. I feel my throat rumble as I groan. Everything around me was bright, artificially so. It was almost blue in how white it was. It was foreign, the bedding, the walls, the window. Squinting to look out the window, my eyes found purchase to what made me confirm that this was Heaven. Trees. Not just a singular tree either, many. So many trees.
I could feel my body moving as I inched my way to get a better look. Placing my weight on my hands, I shift and lean forward. I can feel something tug on my skin, restraints of some kind, but not in places where I was used to them being. I could barely focus on that though, as the ground under me pulled me closer. I fell from the bed I was resting in. I could hear myself curse under my breath after I recovered from the impact. Instinctual, it must be, I still feel no pain. I feel light.
Looking up to the window that was now much taller than I, I could feel my lips form a frown. There were trees! I wanted to see them! Impatience. I close my eyes for a moment. “There will be time to see the trees, I have eternity,” I whisper to myself, chastising myself at my foolish impatience.
“You’re awake..!”
I stiffen at the unfamiliar voice, much clearer in my ears now than ever. Shoulders tense, there is initial panic, that slowly ebbs into something more calm. Not fully calm, but not enough to trigger a flight or flight. I try to turn myself, to get up, but I don’t feel my hand make contact with anything. Rather than looking at the voice, my attention is drawn to this first. Where there should be a hand there is nothing. I look at my other hand and can see that one just fine. I turn my neck to look at where my arm should be, I can feel my eyebrows furrowing together as I was piecing together what had transpired.
A flash to that damned box, the tug away from the wall, the pain that came from it.
That was right. It was gone. Why was I so calm about this? Shouldn’t I get this back once I enter the gates of Heaven? Though, as I thought, my entry was a bit odd from what the scripture foretold, I realized that perhaps because I had lost it, it was gone for good. A symbol of my sin that left me so that I could be here now. I can deal with one arm.
My gaze finally cast itself over my shoulder to look at the voice. Blond hair… kind eyes… askew glasses- it was my guardian angel. They were checking in on me because I fell. They were much closer now, their face wrought in concern as they looked at me. There was a flutter in my chest; they were not looking at me with disgust. A guardian angel looking at me, of all people, with such hope. Though, I suppose that an angel cannot hate in the first place.
“-come out. Let’s get you back in bed so you can rest.”
Lost within my own thoughts, I did not hear what the guardian angel had started saying, but they wanted me to rest more. Rest. I can rest more. I have time. Perhaps I still had a bit of pride within me, with the hand I knew I had, I pushed myself off the floor into a standing position. My head swam in a spiral- that was not my finest idea.
The guardian angel was much closer now, taller than me, with their hands steadying me. They help me back into the bed and start doing… something. Those restraints, they’re placing me in them again. I want to protest, but I actively feel myself growing weaker.